AJ leaned to window with one hand. He imagined how camera would fade in to the crowd of Manhattan, flying over it, then moving to the hotel, approaching window with familiar figure. He saw how camera would first focus on drops on the glass, then to his face, showing tears in his eyes, one tear escaping slowly, camera sliding in next to him, moving behind him revealing same picture he saw, until he�d turn back to the room.

But this was real and still he couldn�t cry. Cold November night in New York. Could be glamour but right then it was just misery.

He went to bar but took only glass of mineral water. Temptation of open box of cigarettes he couldn�t resist but took one, lighted it and inhaled deeply. Actually he felt nothing. He had expected pain, emptiness, anger, even depression but it was almost too easy. Almost.

Could he ever forget his last moments as Backstreet Boy? When he�d gone to the press conference, heard the crowd. How Kevin came to him didn�t even hug him while rest of the guys just nodded. They were still mad at him. They knew same he did but he had been first one opening his mouth.

-I want to quit, he�d said.
-AJ!
He�d heard warning in Howie�s voice but didn�t care.
-This isn�t worth losing it all.
-What all? Nick had asked. �Isn�t this all we have?
-I might use to be, he�d replied. �Not anymore. I want to be with my fianc�e, I want to build a real home and a real family.
-Like we all, Brian had said. �But why to quit? It�s possible to have both.
-You�re kidding yourself. Or how would you feel if you weren�t there when your baby giggles for the first time? Gets his first tooth. Walks? Says his first word? Which, I�m sure, won�t be daddy.
Brian had fallen silent. AJ hadn�t even raised his voice. He didn�t have to. He knew he was right. And they did too.
-You want to quit because you think you�d do better on your own, Nick had stated.
-You�re best person telling me that.
No one had said more. But he had known they would think about it. Because he had been serious.

And if they didn�t believe him at first, after few more conversation, fights and weeks they had to face the truth.

AJ got caught on one moment on his way to tell that truth to the world. When he had stepped out of the car, about 20 years old girl came to him.
-Hey AJ, remember me? she asked with a smile.
-Hey AJ, he replied. �How are you here?
-Never miss a chance to see you.
AJ hugged that girl. She was one of their most loyal fans, always acting very nicely around boys. You didn�t have to worry she starting to scream your name if you happened to bump into her in a hotel lobby or something. She lived in Jersey and was in NY every time boys did too.
-How are you? he asked. �How�s your family?
Girl sighed. �Doing better. It�s still hard.
Her father had died few months earlier.
-But seeing you makes me always happy!
Her smile was genuinely happy and grin she performed made AJ laugh.
-Getting better on that too, he said. Girl smiled wider, if possible.
-Listen, gotta go, guys are already waiting for me, AJ said as his guard stood next to him. Girl�s face got serious.
-You�re not gonna break up, are you?
AJ let out a loud breathe. He didn�t know what to say. But silence spoke clearer than any words.
-See you around, OK? he asked little later.
-If you break up, I�ll break down, girl said.
-Don�t say so.
AJ looked at her, lowering his glasses so he could see her straight from eye to eye.
-I can�t live without you, girl said.
He hugged girl, gave her a kiss on her forehead, found out that she was crying.
-See you around, OK? You take care.
He had to walk away, pressure of crowd was getting too hard and he was late anyway. Not that it�d matter.

He sat on his bed. Room was getting darker but streetlights created shadows on walls. He watched them to dance. Touching, he taught and went to bed. Next morning his body double would attend a flight to Orlando, as he would stay in NY for one more week. He needed to have some time just for himself. And his fianc�e was out of town and country anyway, so no one really missed him. Anymore.

Few days later AJ woke up to a headache. It didn�t have anything to do with alcohol, just smoky, loud clubs, dancing, staying up till sunrise, that�s what made him so sick that light hurt his eyes. He sat up, scratched his stomach, looked around and went to a door. He opened it and picked the paper up. He used to check those just in case they would tell something new of his former band mates.

AJ himself had got various asks for interviews and TV-shows. His mother was handling those, just telling what had been offered and he turned them all down. He wasn�t ready to talk about it. Just in case they had agreed to keep at least two weeks silence before saying anything more about their break up. Then they all would have calmed down, seen the situation. As Brian had put it: �It�s not impossible that we�d get back together. But right now, from now on, there is and wont be anymore Backstreet Boys�. Though first sentence was said just to give fans some comfort, AJ found himself leaning on it. That if living alone and out of the business wouldn�t work, they would get back together.

He opened the paper. He just glanced it, until something made him to stop. Death notices. AJ. He? Was someone kidding? But the he realized. AJ. As Ally Jameson. Girl he had spoken with at the very same day their decision had been announced. Dead? Couldn�t be. He jumped up, made few calls and rushed to the shower. He needed to know.

It had started to snow when they crossed bridge to Jersey Island. They weren�t really even snowflakes, they looked more like big white napkins falling from the sky. It made view look very idyllic which was total opposite to AJ�s mood.
-Pull over here, he said to driver. He looked back on him but didn�t ask anything. AJ saw crowd standing there. All were wearing black, it fit better to his feeling.
-I�m gonna go out, he said.
-Are you sure you want to do that? driver asked.
-It�s least I can do.
Carefully he stepped out from the car and looked around. Luckily place was almost empty, apart from people in black. Silently he went closer in order to hear the speech but didn�t join the crowd.
-I remember once speaking with Ally, man in his twenties said. �She must�ve been five years old. I said to something that you could do it when you�re older and wiser. She replied: �I may grow big and wiser but I never grow old�. Could it be that already then she knew that her life wouldn�t be as long as other�s?
Older woman sobbed loudly. AJ looked at her. She was obviously her mother. He felt bad for her. Just in summer she�d lost her husband and now she was burying her daughter. AJ concentrated on the speech again and didn�t notice girl coming closer until she was right next to him.
-So you came? girl asked.
-AJ? Is it really you?
-No, she lowered her glasses, showing red eyes. �I�m Elaine, her younger sister.
-I�m sorry, he said.
-I know you are. How did you know how to get here? I thought you�ve gone back South.
-No. I stayed in New York for a while. I read it from the paper. Did she� why did she die?
Elaine looked at him closely. �I think you know.
-How� Why?
-I think you know that too.
Young man had stopped talking. Music filled the air. AJ recognized the song. It was their �Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely�.
-She chose this one? he asked.
-She lived for you.
They stood there for a while without words.
-Do you think she�s somewhere here, looking down on us, telling us not to feel bad? he asked softly.
-I don�t know, she answered. �I really don�t know. I can�t understand why she did this. And seeing you here� She could feel like she�d won. But she didn�t.
-I wish� he said but couldn�t finish his sentence.
-Do you regret?
-I can�t take blame for this! he said.
-I didn�t ask you to. I just asked if you regret?
He shook his head. �I never expected this. But I couldn�t live like that.
-She couldn�t live like this.
Elaine fell silent as she realized everything she�d say would sound accusing. Last notes floated between snowflakes. He moved slightly.
-I have to go.
-Then maybe you should.
He started to walk back to the car. Driver was standing next to it, exploring the situation, being ready to step in if needed. Right then he hated it. He felt like being watched all the time. And that was one of the reasons he had wanted out.
-I guess I can give this to you, Elaine said and came after him, holding an envelope in her hand. �To my greatest love� it read.
-Are you sure this is for me?
-Who else could it be for?
AJ couldn�t reply to that and he just took the letter.
-Don�t feel bad, Elaine said, trying to comfort him. �She was like that. Impulsive, living each moment with her whole heart. Maybe she grew old too fast. Maybe it was her time.
-It may make you feel better thinking that but I think we both know that this shouldn�t have happen.
Elaine started to cry and AJ wanted desperately hug her but he couldn�t. He couldn�t do anything. Everything he did made others suffer. So he just walked away.

-Drive, he said when sitting back in his car. He took an envelope and opened it. It held piece of light blue paper. Tears gathered in his eyes when he saw familiar handwriting. There were only two lines.
�It�s not that I can�t live without you
it�s just that I don�t even want to try�
Nothing more. But it was all needed. One incomplete song. Without a perfect harmony in the end.

Carefully he folded the paper and placed it next to his heart. That�s where she was. That�s where she belongs. And that�s where she would always be.

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