new york, new york

chapter 87

I looked at the door. Be-Bob was standing in front of it so that no one could come in, even if they wanted to. I really hoped that Oliver wouldn't show up just then. He was so overprotective that I was afraid he would throw Nick down from the roof.
I would have done that by myself if I was capable of that. Even if my heart was bouncing really hard I just kept sitting.
Nick took a chair and sat opposite to me. He looked away for a long time and I couldn't help but notice how young he seemed. I had been surrounded with grownups, reliable adults so long I had already forgot how hard it had sometimes been with the Boys. Howie was last to see me, back when I didn't know anything about pregnancy. He had done as promised and hadn't contacted me ever since I sent that e-mail telling I wouldn't want to hear from him anymore. That was true consideration. Nick on the other hand� I didn't knew if he realized what he had walked into.
-I need to believe in love, Nick finally said.
-You what? I asked.
-I need to believe in love. It's not around much these days. And I just need to believe.
-Where is she?
-Who? Nick looked at me surprised. �What are you talking about?
I kept a dramatic pause before saying: -I know you fell in love with her. But where is she now? Why isn't she with you? You may be thinking that true feelings don�t develop in such a short time. But at the same time you know it's something you just can't walk by. You have to see how it would work out. And you're so scared, you're scared that it would actually be something great.
-How do you know all this?
-You're scared, I continue. �That it would be something great and then you would loose it. And you don't know if it's worth while.
-Anna�
I took him by his hands.
-I know all this because I went trough that same with AJ. I tried to run away from him but I couldn't. And you know, it was worth while. But in the end he hurt me so much. He hurt me so much that I can't ever give him chance to do that again. Because people you love the most, who love you the most, they know how to wound you deepest.
Nick's eyes were dry but he bit his lip and his hands were sweating.
-I don't say that the same would happen to you. It's the risk you have to take. You never know if you'll spend the rest of your life with her or if there will be someone else. But right then, right now, she is the one for you. You just have to trust that.
I rubbed Nick's hand trying to encourage him. He had always been bad at timing and I wanted to make sure that this time he would do the right thing. But someone had determined to ruin all my plans.

-Sir, you're not allowed here, I heard Be-Bob saying gently but strongly.
-What? I live in this building. Of course I'm allowed.
Oliver. Great. Nick had pulled away and seemed little bit concerned.
-It's OK, I said. �He's a friend. Oliver, come in and don't make a scene.
While saying those words I knew how worthless it was.

It must have something do with manly pride. I mean Oliver I were far from couple, even if we we're officially married, but still he had great need to protect me. I tried to explain him many times that I've got used to surviving by myself but most of the times he simply refused to listen. He said that one can't have too many friends in this cold world. I had to admit that what Oliver had done to me exceeded all that expectations what you'd have from an ordinary friend. So I guess it meant I had to also give him more power over me. Or at least let him think he had that. I was so dependent on him those days that it was easy.
But when he walked in and saw us, I regretted ever doing so. Oliver instantly rushed to me asking if I was OK.
-I'm fine, I replied. �Oliver, there's Nick. Nick this is Oliver Sand. I'm sure you're aware that he's been hosting me most of the time.
-Me and my mother, Oliver corrected. �So Nick Carter?
Oliver stretched his name in a horrible way.
-Nick Carter, nice to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you.
-Can't say the same, I'm sorry, Nick said with cold politeness I had never heard coming out of his mouth.
-Oh, he's lying, I said. �He knows more about you than he wants to.
-More than I want to, Oliver shortly said.
-Please don't be like that, I pleaded.
-Like what? Nick asked, his voice softening only a little.
-Like you would have to battle over me. Oliver be kind and sit down. I think Nick needs to explain what he's doing here.
-But�
-Now! I ordered and looked at Oliver. He knew me well enough to know when I was serious and quietly went to get a chair. It was old and rickety and he had trouble sitting on it. But it had to do.

-So, I said, turning back to Nick. �If we forget the basic reason why you're here, then, why are you here?
Nick looked at Oliver with suspicious eyes and I gave him time to do that.
-I wanted to find you for AJ.
-I already pointed out that if AJ would want to find me, he'd be here himself. You've proving I'm not that hard to find.
-I know. But I didn't want to get his hopes up. You know, after all that happened in Stockholm, he took a private plane and flew to see you. And you weren't there.
-I was in still in NYC.
-I figured that much out later on. You know, AJ wasn't happy at all when he found out about your book.
-He found out?
-Do you think we live in a bubble, or what? Of course he found out.
-I'm astonished to find out AJ finds survival books for foreign people interesting.
-It was brought to his intention.
-That I'm sure of. Please, continue, I advised.
-He misses you. But he's really down. It seems like he's lost his faith in people. You should hear what he says to Kevin. AJ's like little devil on his shoulder whispering all the dirty thoughts to him. I guess AJ somehow enjoys that he's not the only miserable one.
-I'm sure he does, Oliver added but I hushed him quiet.
-Is that it? So what do you want me to do? You just want me to forgive him?
-I don't know, Nick confessed. �I never really thought that far.
-So you thought that I would be thrilled to know that AJ's alone and seeking for company? I've known that Nick, I've known it for quite a while. But it seems impossible to forget what he did to me. Even if I know he did with his nature when going back with Helen, at the same time he turned his back on me, and as I said, it would be for good. It is for good. He can't have me. He can't have me anymore. And you know why he hasn't looked me up? Because he knows it too.
-I don't believe that.
-Go back and ask him. I know he'll be living trough hell but he will survive. Don't underestimate his power. He is a strong man. Hanging around with Kevin can't be that bad. And he still has Howie and Brian to look up to. Maybe even you. He can't fail you. He knows you have too much on line this time around. You're on your way up but we all know that top of the world is windy place.
Disbelief in Nick's eyes was clear. I wasn't saying what he had expected. He wanted to love conquer everything. I craved to tell him that it could, just not in our case. It was closed and I didn't want to open it again. Because at the same time I was peacefully speaking to Nick I felt how wounds inside of me started to bleed again and metallic taste came into my mouth like I would panic any minute. I knew I couldn't hold it down for too long.
-I need to ask you to leave, I said to Nick.
-I don't want to go like this, he said. �I don't want to go.
-There's nothing for you in here, I assured. �You've got to find her. That's how you'll find out. You can't understand until you've gone it trough yourself.
-Why would I want to? If it hurts that much.
-It doesn't, not all the times. Maybe your story will be different. Actually I know that your story will be different. You just have to believe in love.
-Like you do?
-Like I do, I said and nodded. I turned to Oliver, whose face was like rock, holding out my hand hoping he would help me up.

At the same time a sun beam thumped into goldenness around my left ring finger, blanket dropped from my lap and Nick started to cry. I looked down and I felt panic creeping in.
-Take me in, I said to Oliver. �Please, let's just go.
Be-Bob avoided us when we went to door.
-Be good to him.
Be-Bob nodded slowly, hiding every emotion he might have been feeling. I was surrounded with stoned faces and a cry that told me more about grief than I ever wanted to remember.

I knew that even if Nick would tell about his visit to anyone, it wouldn't make difference. To them I would be deceiving one, moving on too quickly. And I had no intention to correct their opinions.

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