new york, new york

chapter 85

I was sitting on my bed, my hands in my lap, staring to distance. Whiteness spread all around, smell of flowers intruding into my nose without asking permission.
There was a silent knock on the door.
-We're ready, voice said without coming in. I rose slowly, gathered my hems, looked at the mirror for the one last time though I already knew that my image wouldn't change no matter how much would be different after next fifteen minutes.
I opened the door and looked at the living room. Air was nicely cool but still I found myself sweating, just little drops on my upper lip. Charlene stood next to the window holding a big bucket of flowers. Jacob was next to her, looking at the little screen on his fancy handy-cam, then glanced me over it and flashed a smile I knew was supposed to encourage me. I smiled even if my feet felt like stone and all I wanted to do was sob out loud and curse my destiny.
My heart bounced when I saw Oliver. He was wearing his best suit, one of the last things we shopped when we were still together. I knew that these days he couldn't afford it but living in Upper West Side made us too snobby sometimes. Oliver seemed extremely handsome and I almost wished that it would be true, that we would be doing everything for the right reasons.
I sighed and nodded at the man next to Oliver. He was completely unaware of the facts. Well, not totally. Of course he could see what was undeniable. He could see my stomach but congratulated Oliver for becoming father. He even bought our explanation about our sleeping arrangements and probably wanted to think that it had something to do with true love waits �beliefs even if proofs of pre-marital affair was so clearly visible. Great denial, that's what we all needed at the time.
Michelle wasn't there. It was no surprise for me. Oliver said that she wanted to come but couldn't. I knew exactly what she meant. It would have been different if we would have been just filling out some papers and signing deals. But we had to act. That's why all the dressing up, flowers, soft music on the background, Jacob with his camera� We needed assures that we really wanted it. When I stood next to Oliver, looked into his eyes, when he reached to take my hand, kissed my cheek, I wanted to close my eyes and let those burning tears to drop. Instead I squeezed Oliver's hand and smiled back at him, took a quick look at the camera and grinned, looking little bit naughty but oh so happy. I don't remember it. I have watch the video to know I really did that.
All the words that priest said went over my head. He spoke about love but knew nothing what kind of sacrifices we were doing. He reminded us to respect each other and always keep in mind that our acts would not affect only to ourselves but also to our partner � and soon to child. I couldn't even count how many people's life we were about to save and wreck at the same time. He told us to be together until death would us apart. I thought about born of my baby and my return to cold and distant Finland, where he would never see his father � or Oliver. But all the time I kept smiling and looking oh so happy.
Jacob had insisted we would write own our wows. I didn't want to. I didn't know what to say. But then Charlene said that it would seem better in the eyes of immigration agency. And I thought I let too many people rule my life. But when Oliver didn't have anything against it, I let it go.
But when he turned to me, looked me straight into eyes I wanted to run away, jump out of the window, do anything to stop him saying anything because he would make my cry. Maybe it would look good on the video but it didn't feel right in my heart.

Anna, you're special. I've said those words for you quite many times. Usually when you've been mad at the world when something's not going like you wanted.
It's not that long ago when we first met. But I don't know how I lived before you. When you came into my life, I started to smell the rain, feel the dust, hear the sax played in the corner of subway station. I fell in love for the first time in my life. And I know nothing will ever feel the same. Nothing would ever be the same as it is with you.
No one can be so annoying and charming at the same time. No one can ever carry herself with such a confidence when being dragged out of bed five minutes before and being totally aware that her hair is a mess but not caring. No one will ever cuddle into my arms like you do when you're sad and tired. No one will ever let me so close as you do.
You're not sunshine early in the morning but I can live with that because I know that eventually those clouds will fade away and you will smile like there's warm spot in your tummy.
You are like a fire and I don't know how to always handle you. You give heat around you and sometimes you burn. And I know I can't ever hold you too long in my hands because you have to flame away. But you've always come back.
This ring isn't circle around you to stop you. It's here to remind you that I love you and that I will always be here. Always. No matter what happens. I love you.

Later Michelle said that she used to rewind the tape back and forth and listen to Oliver's words thinking that she could never compare to me. But then she learned to know as I already did that even if Oliver spoke in present it was all in past. Sure, she couldn't ever be same as me. But that's one of the reasons why Oliver loves her.
I hadn't really prepared anything that special. I had many times said to Oliver what I wanted, sweet things and thoughts that really hurt him. I knew I couldn't read script from papers, it had to come out of my heart. And after his words it wasn�t hard.

I never thought I'd come to America and fall in love. It was supposed to be temporary solution, little bit of adventure and then I'd go back home. Now I don't know where home is anymore. Don't know in a material way. I've learned that home is where your heart is. And this city has stolen it. For many different reasons.
I've hurt people along the way. I didn't take anything seriously. I didn't take you seriously. There were times when I was so unthoughtful that when you left out for a walk after a fight I didn't expect to see you ever again. But you came back and slowly I learned to give in for the love that we made.
I never wanted to rely on anyone. I wanted to do it on my own. And for a while it worked out fine. But there were nights when I was so lonely all I could do was cry hoping it would exhaust me so that I could sleep and forget my life. Yet I kept pushing you away. I said things I now regret. I regret those because they make me ashamed. You're still here.
I love you on so many levels. You were� You are my first thought when I wake up and when I fall asleep I wish I would dream about you so that we wouldn't have to spend one moment apart. And this baby�I'm sure you'll be the best father for him as long as you can. And I know how much that takes. That's why I love you. It's only one of the reasons but right now it's the most important one.
Love as a word is often misused. It may sound cruel but I would manage without you. But I don't want to. I'm not sure I can ever pay back all the things you've done for me. I just hope my love will be enough.
I want to thank you for being here, still, even if I tried to drive you away. You stayed. I don't have to be afraid anymore. Because even if there comes a lonely night I know we did the best together.

It felt more than natural that he leaned to kiss me. Priest coughed and quickly pronounced us as husband and wife. I put my head on Oliver's shoulder and smiled at the camera tears running down my face. Charlene looked down and I knew she was crying as well. She understood why we got married but had questioned, as well as I, about going to immigration agency and telling that I was pregnant and unable to travel. We couldn't find waterproof answer for that but Charlene realised there were still things she didn't know and kept quiet.
Standing there in Oliver's arms all I could think was how much easier those people's life would be if I'd never got into it.
And just for a second I saw picture of AJ like he was in the early days, sitting in front of the piano and playing all the three chords he could, looking at me and smiling, making me feel uncomfortable, in those days when nothing had yet happened but was already written in stars and would have been predicted if we would have known how to read signs.
I wished for that gift once more. Because from that moment I didn't know where to go. Then I felt kick in my stomach. My baby. My boy. It would be few months until I'd get to meet him, look at him, hold him, cherish him. It was worth waiting and something to look forward to.

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