new york, new york

chapter 47

Next morning I felt little awkward around Oliver. He was getting better and going to work. He didn�t refer to previous night in any way. Just said that there was some leftovers I could eat for a lunch if I wanted. So I soon forgot it. I had a lot in my mind, of course.

Week passed by and as Charlene got back to town, I moved to AJ�s. Oliver was stunned when he saw the place. I was getting used to it. I got to think if it would spoil me, but I�ve always had my feet on the ground. Even in the morning I saw my picture in The New York Times. The article was longer than it had usual been, my picture bigger, but I didn�t care. I had to focus on total success of the festival. And luckily that�s what it was.

At the final party I took Oliver with me. We had great time. I�d learned to know most of the teachers and they appreciated my efforts, since most of the classes I had been the weakest link. But they knew why I had to do it. For the first time even Gregory showed some sign of recognizing me. All that together made me feel little sad. It was once again goodbyes. All promised to be back at next year, I didn�t. And I knew that even if I�d be back, it would be totally different story. Year goes fast but lot can still happen.

Two weeks after the festival I basicly slept. And wrote. And ate. And slept. AJ had ordered a computer for himself but I had a privilegde to use it. I had felt bad about not keeping touch with my friends in Finland but now I could take it all back with writing a long e-mails to them. For a second I thought about going back, but I couldn�t let go of my life in New York.

But when the final changes to the texts had been made, I found myself bored. Avi and Ben had flied to India to perform and others had went back to their homes. Oliver did his best to amuse me but he worked long hours to gain money for studies next semester.

One night Oliver came by bringing the mail. For the obvious reason I couldn�t tell my address in public. Even my mom thought I was still living with Sands.
-Mom send you this, Oliver said and gave me a piece of cake.
-Oh, she�s wonderful! She takes care of me so well.
-I guess she�s missing you a little. I�m not a daughter. She also send you this book.
-Put it there on the table, I said turning around and going trough my mail. -I will stop by at your house some evening.
-Mom will appreciate it.
-What�s this letter? I showed envelope to Oliver. -When did this one come?
-I don�t know. Few days ago.
-And you didn�t tell me anything?!?
-Why? Is it something important?
I ripped it and took the piece of paper.
-Oh my God! I can�t believe this!!! Wait, I have to call.

I rushed to the former guestroom which I had turned into small office and dialled the number.
-Guess what?
I turned to see Oliver who was standing in the door opening and smiled.
-No not that, I said to the phone. -It�s about the story... Yes! How did you knew? Well, I told you but I couldn�t ever believe that... I know you think so. But I didn�t. Isn�t it great? I can�t believe this. Mm... How are you? Where are you now? It�s a beautiful town isn�t it? Well, try to snoop around. That�s too bad. What about...? Well, good for her. Yeah. I have to go too. Yes, I�ll call you later. Bye.
I was glancing of happiness.
-I got my book published! I joyed to Oliver.
-I guessed that too.
He turned around.
-What? What are you doing now? We have to celebrate this!
I went after his and he turned to see me.
-Maybe I�m selfish but I wish you�d told me first.
-What? Oh that. It�s nothing. He�s just... It�s nothing, trust me.
-I�d better go.
-Oliver. Believe me, it�s nothing. Please stay, I begged.
His eyes were sad. I went closer to him.
-Don�t go.
He shook his head. I put my hand to his shoulder and let it slip down until I reached the hem of his shirt. Oliver sighed. I almost couldn�t believe what I was doing. As my hand reached the bare skin under his shirt, the letter fell down. I groped his abnominal muscles as he pulled me closer and kissed me. I just didn�t let it happen, I wanted it to happen.

As I watched him sleeping next to me I was scared. I had seen it coming. Since the first time I saw Oliver in the kitchen, I knew I wanted him. And earlier... Time before AJ I would have been so happy to find a connection with a man like Oliver. But now I was terrified because I didn�t know if I could ever love him enough.

I had been talking with AJ every other day on the phone. Their tour was going fine, it was rough though. Helen was there with him. I was frightened of my reaction him being the first one to tell.

Oliver growled. It was raining outside. I got up and opened the window to smell almost clean early morning city. Sun was reaching over the buildings but didn�t quite reach me yet. Oliver was sleeping, peaceful, looking like a young boy in a large bed. I went to him and cuddled next to him. I had to try.

Charlene looked at me suspiciously as I went there to return books I had read and to loan some more. We had agreed with Oliver we wouldn�t tell to his mother or his brother anything yet.
-I just feel it�s too early, I stated reasons for keeping it as a secret. Oliver agreed though I think he knew that real reason was the fact I wasn�t too sure about my feelings and it would be easier for all that if we�d fail, I wouldn�t need to break up with them too. Was I being careful? Or just selfish?

-So how did you like that book? Charlene asked.
-I liked it. You always know the books I like. How is that?
-I have good instincts. Want some tea?
-I could take one cup. I don�t want to be late.
-Where are you going to? she asked after pourring me tea and sitting across to me.
-Job interview, I grinned. -That Jacob Olsson, who made that profile of me had called to Avi and Ben who then mailed me that one small newspaper is looking for assistant writers.
-That sounds good.
-I really need something to do. Even if my financial situation is now OK, I have to think about future too.
-What about that publishing in Finland?
-There you really don�t get rich being a writer. Anyway they returned the text to me. I have to make some changes. It�s great that it�s finally happening.
-What about promoting? Don�t you have to do that?
-We haven�t discussed of that yet. They�re trying to get it out for christmas and I�ll go home for that anyway. I don�t want to spend another christmas apart from my family.
-Isn�t it funny you still call that your home? Charlene asked and stirred her tea.
-It will always be one of my homes.
Charlene took a long look at me and I had to turn my eyes to my cup.
-Here�s one. Don�t ever forget that.
And I thought I could keep secrets from her?

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