new york, new york

chapter 25

House was full of crowd. Howie escorted me in from the backdoor but even there were some photographers, but he didn�t seem to mind them. Well, I could be anyone. I looked around trying to find AJ. I wanted to see how he�s face would be when he�d see me for the first time like that. I didn�t ever think I could have look that good. I had lost some weight after coming to US, mainly because I didn�t always have enough money to eat. Also being around dancers makes you see your body differently. And of course I had been training with them a lot. I felt so beautiful.
Then I saw him. And the lady. And no matter how good I would ever look, she would always beat me. They were standing upstairs, not too close, but enough close to show that they were more than friends. I felt like all my hopes were gone. I turned around and rushed out to the same way we had used earlier. Howie saw me leaving, I heard him calling my name but I couldn�t stop.

I ran. And I ran. My dress was tacking on my shoes and I almost fell. I just couldn�t slow down. I didn�t know what I was running away from. Just that... What a fool I had been!

Half an hour later I had calmed down a little. I was walking on the beach. It was kind of late so it was empty. I didn�t care if it wasn�t safe, I just needed to be there. I took my shoes off and walked in the sand. Waves were touching my toes, the dress was ruined. I didn�t care even about that.

I found a small dock and went to sit on that. It was getting colder, and I didn�t have much on me. The moon was shimmering above the water, giving me at least some light. Me, not my life.

So that was it. I was �unfortunate slight�. I meant nothing. AJ had been planning that since the beginning. It might have taken little longer he thought but when he had it, it didn�t matter. Nothing mattered to me.
I didn�t know why I was so upset. Anyway, it would have been days or mostly weeks until I would have moved on. What did I wish for? What did I think could have happened in that party? That AJ would have confessed loving me and asking me to follow him to the other side of this Earth? And I would have done that? I didn�t know.
We were two adults playing with fire and I had to put it out with my tears.

Time went by. Moon got higher and then lower again. I was cold, there was nothing to keep me warm. I just couldn�t move. I had one clear moment and I wanted to stay on that forever. It was nothing. It never was, it wasn�t going to be. And that�s the way it should be. Understanding it then would make living so much easier.

I heard barking. Two little creatures were on my feet. Vegas came and licked my cheek. I turned to look back. AJ was standing on the beach, his car was further back behind him. I looked back at moon. Then I stood up and started walking towards him. Dogs followed me, at least they loved me, I hadn�t ever been mean to them. But I was never mean at AJ either. When I was almost where he stood, he turned around and headed the car. I got there too and he started the engine. I didn�t ask how he knew where to look for me.

He had changed his clothes, and because the dogs were with him I supposed he had stopped at his house on the way. And probably that girl (I called her Maddy number 2 in my head, and then switched it into 2 Mad, my own private, desperate word game) was waiting him at home.

Radio was on, playing some impersonate number 1 hit. I didn�t know what to think when I realized he was driving back at Brian�s. Well, how could he have taken me home if that tramp was there?

I looked his hand on the wheel. And then I fell. I wanted him to touch me, love me, take me home, never let me go. I turned to see waking city from the window for not showing my tears to him. But he didn�t look at me. He drove to the yard. I waited for few seconds but when it was obvious he wouldn�t say anything I got out of the car. Then I stood there looking him driving away.

I went in. Lucky enough, Leighanne and Brian weren�t home yet. They must have be having a great time. I saw my reflection from the mirror and it was despairing. The dress was completely wrecked. My mascara was all over my face and the wind had blown my hair into a mess. I started crying again.

Finally I got up into my room. Then I got mad. There was a CD lying on my bed. I threw it to a wall and the case broke. It made me happy enough so I went to bed. I stared the roof and knew what had to be done. Tomorrow. When it would be another day. But I didn�t feel at all like Scarlett O'Hara at the time.

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