You know, ever since I came out to myself senior year in college, I've moved steadily from falling into crushes to looking for true love. A steady boyfriend. That holy grail of relationships.
Coming out has bee a long, strange process for me. At least, it seemd that way while I was going through it. Talking with other gay men andrading books has pointed out that whawt I went through is not that unusual. The book that sort of laid it out for me in no uncertain terms was Lesbian & Gay Youth: Care & Counseling by Caitlin Ryan and Donna Futterman. Granted it is written to acquaint doctors with the needs of homosexual youth, but it goes through a lot of commonly asked questions and activities.
Anyway, I finally came out to myself senior year in college. I kind of had to when I developed crushes on guys, specifically a guy in my French class, another in my house, and another who was a friend of a friend. And the only person I told back then was my best friend, who is a woman. That's about as far as my devlopment as a gay man went at the time, besides a couple of kisses from an extremely understanding gay friend and a rather frightening night at a gay club in Boston. (It bothered me that there was this ring of men on the edge of the dancefloor just staring at the people dancing, including my best friend and me. I've since gotten used to that sort of set-up, but it was very sidconcerting at first!)
I guess I could have befriended more gay men during college and made it a little easier on myself. But, you know, back then, even though there was a gay and lesbian club and everything, it was still sort of hush-hush. I mean, you were either out and braodcasting it loud and clear or closeted. I never knew there were any other types of out gay men besides the very flamboyant types at the time. It was kind of frightening. I think the climate is definitely more liberal now. I went back to Harvard for the 20th anniversary of the Opportunes and was stunned by how open everyone was. Part of it may be the climate, part of it may be the people whom I saw, and part of it is definitely the appearance of other gay role models in the popular culture.
It's freaky when you're shy and you think you're gay and the only other gay men you see in the media are very flamboyant and when you're being verbally pelted by people saying that homosexuality is wrong, evil, depraved, learned, etc., etc., etc. I wonder if those people who say those things realize what sort of conflict and turmoil they are creaing from the confused kids, teenagers, and adults out there who aregood people but are being told that some part of them that they have absolutely NO control over is making them evil or some sort of abomination. It's that sort of thinking that is evil and petty.
Okay, I'll get off my soap box now.
Thankfully, I was lucky to have a supportive friend to get me through the initial parts of this process. Later, once I came to New York, I made more friends, gay and straight, who helped me develop myself and answer the horrible doubts and questions still running around in my mind.
Not that it was all smooth sailing when I came to New York. I have to admit, being here gave me access to pretty much all of gay culture for better or worse. It's hard when you're starting to explore to find out where you fit in. I tried going to clubs and bars and quickly found that they're not really for me. At least, they werne't a good way for me to meet people. I'm more of a caf� person, people watcher, and sit and read type. Every now and then, clubs and bars are great to go with your friends, but not all the time.
I ended up meeting people in cafes and through friends. But I made the msot friends through the group called Twentysomething at the Gay and Lesbian Community Center. They also just showed me around New York in general.
Since first coming to New York, I've been through an innumerable number of crushes, made dozens of friends, and 1 one night stand, and been through 3 relationships. My first boyfriend was caring, open, and supportive--everything I knew that I should be looking for in a boyfriend. I ended up breaking up with him because we were becoming more serious than I was comfortable with. This wonderful act on my part, as I probably should have realized, ended up biting me in my karmic ass. The same thing happened to me with my second boyfriend; only this time, I was on the dumpee rather than the dumper. For the same reasons too! Anyway, my third boyfriend was nice, smart, sweet, and caring. This time, the timing sucked. We both knew that I would most likely be leaving New York in a few months and thought that we could just play it by ear. Well, that SO did not work. Once again, I was moving at a different, slower, pace than my boyfriend. I decided to end it before I got more attached; and he, even more so. That would have just made for a painful, yicky parting. So, here I am, single again, and most likely going to stay that way since it's the general concensus that you don't get a whole helluva lot of free time during residency... Ay me!
Dating is hard. (Why does that sound like something that should be said by the talking Barbie doll?) And of course, it doesn't help that I'm never quite as horny as whomever I'm seeing at the time. (The weird thing is that after living with women for three years, I think I've started my own version of the cycle...) But, it's really easy to find friends I think. It's that extra something that's needed for a boyfriend that's hard to find. I used to think that each guy I went out with would be "the one," "Mr. Right," "Prince Charming." But I've come to realize that that's ludicrous. Not impossibly, but exceedingly unlikely--meeting the love of your life on the first try, I mean. I know it'll eventually happen. I just figure it'll happen when it happens. I don't know. The whole it one big confusing mess to me. But, until then, there's a lot of friends to be made out there.
--Phil Zipkin
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