Ramblings

April 23: Happy Easter!
I always used to wonder how people could live holed up in their homes, using the various internet and telephone delivery services to obtain whatever they needed or wanted. I mean, it just seemed like such a poor substitute for going out and doing things for yourself and actually interacting with other people. But, for the past few days, I've been stricken with a cold; so, I've been forcibly holed up in my apartment by that horrible crappy feeling you get when you're sick with a virus. And, you know what? I've been using my computer to do everything. It's kind of frightening how simple it all is...

April 28
I was in the room when a friend of mine was talking to her parents the other day. You know, it's funny how you can tell when people are talking to their parents. There is a subtle change in their body posture signalling an increase in tension. An undertone of exasperation and perhaps sarcasm creeps into their voice. And, the dead giveaway, they slip into the "Uhuh" voice.

May 17-21
At the behest of my friend HaLe, here is a description of my recent trip to the resort La Gran Ventana in Puerto Plata in the Dominican Republic:
Okay...DR. It was fun. The first day we got there, it was raining/overcast. That, and my allergies were in overdrive. It was an ominous beginning. But, after that, the days were beautiful. It rained a little each day, but they were quick powerful showers and were often at night. Otherwise, it was clear, warm, but not too hot, unless you sat in direct sunlight for a long time, and just all around peaceful. I wish I was back there. Unfortunately, I couldn't relax completely; I kept thinking about everything I had to do back here. I got a fair amount of color, but not too much. Thankfully, I didn't sunburn. The water was the temperature where it's cold initially, but not so cold that you don't want to go in. After you dunked yourself, it was really nice. The water was clear and greenish. Very shallow. Not more than a foot and a half maybe. There a lot of coral beds/rock beds and eel grass. Annoying at first, but fun to look at fish dart in and out of them, especially when you threw food in the water. In the afternoons, we sat by the pools. Very nice pools, but again, not very deep. The food was okay. I ended up eating a lot, not because I was hungry but because it was there. Had really good coffee with each meal. The nightly entertainment was...cheezy. I can't think of any other word. They kept playing that annoying song that I didn't like even before I went there where there's this line "We like to party, we like to party party, we like to party, we like to party party." And there's this horn going in the back ground that sounds like a car horn of some sort. The "fun team" performed each night. The first night they did this show "Back to the Movies." Except the announcer kept calling it "let's go back to the movies." And all the movies were broadway shows, except for dirty dancing and maybe grease. they did a close facsimile of the last dance in dirty dancing between jennifer grey and patrick swayze. the only problem was when the girl did the flying leap into the guy's arms, she kept her legs open so that you could see her black underwear. I involuntarily started laughing. Not a good thing. And then there was this one dancer that had THE flattest expression i've ever seen during all the dances. it was like she was saying "what the hell am i doing here performing for you putzes." the only time she sort of perked up was when she got to move her hips excessively. and this one time, the costumes were made of this red spandex suits that had a slit from one side across the front, i guess to show some skin. that, and spandex fringes. the funny part, however, was the fact that these costumes seemed to be made for the skinny, flat affect girl. the other two women were a little more full figured. i started laughing midway through THAT show when Tracie yelped when she suddenly realized that the black spandex that she saw on one of the dancers was actually that dancer's bra. this only dawned on her when she saw that the one dancer didn't have one and the other dancer had a white one. oh, and the staff was SO flirtatious with tracie and june! it was kinda funny. most of the other guests there were from either australia, canada, or denmark or sweden. the denmark group often carried around their flag and sang their song or whatever. the canadian group wore bright yellow hats (like Gilligan's hat), were sunburned, the women's hair was braided with beads, and the guys kept calling for "cerveza" loudly at each meal. the australians were the nicest. one of them was kinda cute. he was SO, SO tanned and had like NO fat on him whatsoever. Then there was this really cute english family. i swear. i've never seen any teenager have that much fun with her mom! the last thing I can tell you is the vendors that walked around the beach. they would walk around with these huge bags selling stuff to anyone willing to listen to them. this one vendor kept yelling "look at me" and then when you looked at him, he's come over. and, this is my favorite, this other vendor kept singing "cheapie, cheapie, cheapie, cheapie, cheapie, cheapie, cheap today" to the tune of Beethoven's Ode to Joy.

June10
I just finished moving to Baltimore. It's been interesting here, much slower than New York City, but nice. It's weird, I never really felt like a minority until I came to Baltimore. Now, it's like I stick out like a sore thumb. I think there were more Asians in my med school class at NYU than there are in the city!

June 11
You know, it's strange how developing a crush on someone makes you acutely aware of every single contact with that person. I met this guy, R, yesterday during Baltimore pride festival. I, like the total doofus I am, talked to him, but could not bring myself to have any sort of meaningful conversation with him. Fortunately, I bumped into him later that night at one of the clubs here in the area. Normally, I don't really think about casual contact with someone else--bumping into someone, accidently touching someone, etc. But for some reason, my skin became hypersensitive. I was noticing things like how his arm felt against mine, how we were bumping into each other while we watching people on the dance floor, how we kept bumping noses as we had to basically shout in each other's ears to hear each other, and how beautiful his eyes are...God, how sappy do I sound right now? I guess I'm just struck by how attentive I became despite the fact that I was tipsy, that's all.

June 12
Okay, I've never really felt like I was part of a minority until I came to Baltimore. The other night I was sitting in one of the local bars when this guy starts talking to me. In the course of the conversation, he lets it drop that he likes Asians and that there's not too many here. He ends his little discourse about the Baltimore dating scene by telling me that I'll do well. I didn't know whether I should take that as some sort of of cryptic passing of judgement or as a compliment. I decided to take it as a compliment because the alternative would be too oogy to contemplate.
J'ai peur que je ne trouvrai pas un petit ami. Ah me!

June 13
Isn't it weird how we can be educated, sophisticated, mature adults until we happen to develop a crush on or fall in love with someone? Then we change drastically. In my case, I become regressed to adolescence, complete with awkwardness and shyness. I used to think this was a result of my not really having the usual adolescence of raging hormones and things; but, it's happened WAY too many times now.
It's sort of funny. If I'm waiting for a phone call that could affect my professional life, I don't really obsess over the phone that much. I have voice mail. If something important comes through and I can't answer the phone, the caller will get the voice mail. But if I'm waiting for a phone call that could affect my love life, well, I'll a mess, constantly waiting by the phone. Checking my voice mail frequently. And, yes, even checking to see 1)if my phone is working and 2)if my voice mail is working. I used to always see that happen in sit coms and movies and laugh. Now who's laughing?

June 14
You know, when you move, there is SO much stuff do deal with! The things that come to mind are the big things: changing all your address information with the various billing and magazine/newspaper companies, the actual moving of your possessions, the hassle of rebuilding your life in a new domicile. But, it's the small things that kill you. Where do you do your laundry? Where do you get your groceries? Where do you rent movies? Where do you eat? Where do you see movies? Where do you mail things? And EVERYONE and their mother has a different answer for you!

June 15
I was talking to one of my friends in NYC the other day about my current social situation. I was, as usual, all neurotic about how to go about the initial stages of courting someone. After a certain point, she said, "John, that's what we call baggage. You have baggage." That stopped me dead in my tracks. Baggage! I'd heard of it. I knew vaguely what it meant. But I never thought of myself as having any! It's weird being a grown up.

June 16
I went to have a drink at a local bar tonight. As I was sitting there, just enjoying myself and the presence of other people around me and watching the videos, the guy next to me turns to me, after staring for a while, and asks me if I was Chinese. "Yes," I said. "What ethnicity?" This through me for a loop. I had always learned that Chinese WAS an ethnicity. "What?" I said in utter confusion; "CHINESE," I continued with more emphasis. "I've been working for Chinese for the past 10 years in a Thai restaurant. Thai, as in Thailand. You know?" Ooookay. This guy must be assuming that I don't understand English very well, either that, or that I have the IQ of a peanut. "Are you from mainland China, then?" "Um, no. I'm from Texas." "Oh, you're an ABC." To explain, ABC is short for American Born Chinese. "Yes, I am," I said truthfully. "You're not big." Once again, the man managed to confuse the hell out of me. I looked at him quizzically, a rather frequent occurrence in this conversation, believe you me! "ABC's tend to be overweight from all the American food." Ah. I see. Now, I know this was supposed to be a complement, but I found it insulting somehow. Which is strange given that I don't really get insulted that easily...

June18
I was sitting in City Cafe today, reading Dune. Interesting book, but sort of heavy. So much angst and intrigue. Anyway, to get back to my story, I looked up from reading to find pigeons eating some bread that one of the people eating outside had thrown them. It was mesmerizing watching them pick at the bread and then jerk their heads back. In doing so, the piece of bread would fly up and then fall. Wouldn't it be funny if humans ate that way? I mean, think of the mess we would create every time we had a meal!

June 20
I was watching the series Fire Island on Bravo last night. Can I just say that I'm SO tired of the stereotype of the gay man as horny, prissy, bitchy, and fickle? It's not like we all go around wanting sex 24/7! Me, I want love. True love. I know I sound corny when I say that, especially in this day and age, but I guess that's what comes of watching too many Disney movies. I think the character Mouse in Tales of the City sums it up best when he's talking about marriage. He says, "It would be like...friends. Someone to buy a Christmas tree with."

June 25
My dad once told me that humans are social animals, like wolves. At the time, the only thing I could think was, "Great. You're comparing humans to wolves. How nice," and, "Yeah, whatever. I can be by myself. I don't need constant company." Of course, at the time, I was trying to convince myself that I don't need to find a significant other, that I could just live with a group of really good friends. That, and I hate it when my dad's right, which he usually is by the way. While I still don't think I need constant company, I've started to think that I can't live alone for the rest of my life. It would be so great to find someone who knows me and loves me, taking the good with the bad. And vice versa, of course. And, well, it would be nice not to feel that pang in your heart whenever you see a couple in love.

June 26
A really disturbing thing happened to me today. Tell me if you've ever had this happen to you. I was sitting, reading a book of short stories by Peter Cameron, when I hear the beginning of this song over the cafe's speakers. It was a beginning of an 80's tune. I knew the song, but I couldn't remember what the song was or who sang it. Despite part of my brain struggling in its own private game of "Name That Tune," the other part of my brain, the part that has taken up so much of what little memory space I have and filled it with inane song lyrics and tunes began to hum along with the song intro. So here I am, singing along, surprised that I remember so many of the lyrics, until I get to the chorus. Belatedly, that part of my brain working on identifying the song succeeded and tried to stop me. But, no. And there I was singing along to Debbie Gibson's, "Out of the Blue." Egads! My past as a teeny bopper has been revealed!

June 26
Here is scary bar stories, part two. So, I decided to go to a bar called Central Station tonight for Karaoke night. Not to sing, but to listen. Interesting, as karaoke usually is. I'm sitting there, drinking my Rolling Rock when the bartender comes over and tells me that someone just bought me another one. "Who?" I ask. It was the guy down the bar from me. I lifted the bottle and nod my head and say, "Thank you." To be honest, that's where I wanted to leave it. He sort of scared me. But, he came over. It didn't feel right to say that I didn't want company since he had just bought me a drink. So, we started talking. Now, I don't know what it is about me, but people tend to tell me the weirdest things when we talk. In the course of our conversation, it comes out that he's actually bisexual and that he gets the urge to act on his attraction to men every now and then. He tells me that he likes women who are "into that sort of thing." I decided not to go there. After a long pause, he states that I'm in the medical field. "How did you know?" I ask. "I'm psychic that way." Greeeeeaaaaat. Next, he begins to tell me about what he thinks is a torn rotator cuff. I think that most doctors hate this. One the last things they want to talk about in a social situation are medical problems. I told him that he should probably go see his doctor about that. "I saw him. He gave me some anti-inflammatories for it." I'm not sure what he wanted me to say about that; so I said, "Yeah, that's usually what's given." The whole conversation was just SO painful and forced, especially given that I knew that all he wanted was to hook up. Yeah. All I want is a one night stand with some guy who gets horny for guys once in a blue moon. Yeah. Right.

June 28
I'm reading the book The Half You Don't Know by Peter Cameron. It's a book of short stories. They're really good. I came across this one passage in the story, "The Meeting and Greeting Area," that I really liked. Here it is: "...How pathetic the unloved are, I thought. How assiduously they suffer, how they cultivate their rejection, picking again and again at their scabs."

July 2
It's interesting how the slightest thing can set you off on a trip down memory lane. Today I was sitting, staring out the window of City Cafe, as I usually do, taking a break from reading the hilarious book by Frank DeCaro A Boy Named Phyllis. Crossing in front of me was an elderly Afro-American woman, dressed in a long, maroon overcoat made out of what looked to be the material they make chinos out of, stockings, and leather sandals, the type that were prevalent in the late 70's and early 80's. She was walking slowly to the grocery down the street. Suddenly, I had a flashback of my childhood. You see, I used to have an Afro-American babysitter. I loved her. She made life as a lonely kid, fun. I would help her clean up the house, watch her cook. I distinctly remember her teaching me how to make deviled eggs. God, I haven't had deviled eggs in ages! But then I grew up and didn't need a babysitter anymore. I saw her every now and then before I left Houston, and talked to her every now and then after I left. I wonder how she's doing these days...

July 1
It's funny. Why is it that the person who is not looking for someone finds someone? I went out with another intern tonight to check out the bar scene in Fell's Point. He was VERY set on finding a woman to go out with. I don't want to say hook up with because I think he was genuinely interested in finding a girlfriend, not a one night stand. So we go hopping from bar to bar. It was sort of fun, but I felt bad for the guy, especially since I was the one who ended up talking/dancing/getting a drink from a woman. And I was not even looking. But that's obvious, I suppose. I've never understood why it works like that, though.

July 4Happy Independence Day
I'm so beat from during ER shifts. They're not extremely difficult or anything, but for some reason, I'm completely drained. What makes it worse is that I've started to think about a guy that I really like, but am too chicken to tell him exactly how much I like him. Fear of rejection, I suppose. Have you ever just wanted to be held. No sex. No foreplay. No messing around. No talking. Just being held. Knowing that someone loves you and that you love them. A moment of frozen in its clarity and purity. That's what I want. With this guy, of course.

July 11
Have you ever had one of those days when you just feel like a complete idiot and an incompetent fool? I ahd one of those days today. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is endemic to the field of medicine. There's always something to forget and to learn. Ah well.
In case you haven't noticed, I'm the type that tends to overanalyze everything. And nowhere does this become more apparent when I develop a crush on someone. Every little word, every little gesture becomes FULL of meaning for me whereas they don't really mean anything to the object of my affection. How easily love, or one's imaginings of love, can make one feel like a fool!

July 24
What is it about being held that is so intoxicating? I'm normally not a touchy feely sort of person, but the one thing I miss about having a boyfriend is just the simple act of being held. I usually squirm when most people hug me or something like that, but not in the context of a significant other. How strange is that?

July 25
I've been listening to David Benoit's renditions of various songs from the Peanuts. I find it amazing that a simple thing like a song can completely transport me back to my childhood. For example, one of the songs, "Charlie Brown Theme," manages to send me back to when I was probably about 7 or 8 years old. Suddenly, in my mind's eye, I'm sitting in the living of my family's old house, the house I grew up in, around the time of my birthday watching some Charlie Brown special. I'd know it's around my birthday time because I'll remember thinking of costumes, Halloween candy, trick or treating, wearing a sweater to school, drinking hot chocolate at night, and wondering what was hot apple cider and why everyone seemed to be drinking around that time. It's a great feeling.
There's also this other song which is actually from the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown I think called "Happiness." The whole song is about what happiness is to a child. I love the first line, "Happiness is two kinds of ice cream..." Something about it just hits me. Somewhere along the way, we all seem to change what makes us happy. Most of the people I know forget what simple things used to make them happy. I've been thinking about what used to make me happy. When I remember them, it brings back this warm, fuzzy feeling that's hard to describe. It's akin to the feeling I get when I think about New York City in the fall, walking around in the afternoon in the Farmers' Market at Union Square, with just a slight nip in the air. Everyone is getting ready for Halloween, apple cider abounds, the stands are ablaze in a riot of reds, oranges, and golds. It's one of those days when the thought of how great it is to be alive actually crosses your mind.

July 31
Have you ever had a crush on a friend? And you'd love to be his boyfriend, love for your relationship to develop further than just friends? But you're scared to bring it up because it might change the friendship? And, to top it all off, you're friends, but not bosom buddies, so you're not sure if he's looking for a boyfriend right now or whether he's more in the let's hang out and have fun state of mind? I'm in that going through that right now. I hate it. Thank god I have my work to distract me!

August 1
I start in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit tomorrow. I was reading the little handbook they give to us to help us do things there. I was suddenly struck by how tiny these babies are going to be and how many problems they're going to have. From there I started wondering if they're ever going to realize when they're adults just how rocky their start in life was. I mean, do you ever look at people and watch them and wonder just what they've been through? I have. It's kind of creepy in a way. Sometimes I watch elderly people walk on by and just wonder. What was their childhood like? What was going on in the world when they were kids? Were they as oblivious to current events as I was? How were their teenage years? Did they grow to be what they wanted to be? Are they happy with the way their life went? What are they doing now? Were they ever in love? Still in love? Are they happy now? All these questions come piling into my head and I just sit and stare. It makes you stop and think about your own life too. Just a little random thinking...

August 9
So, I've started working in the neonatal ICU this month. I've never been so tired! It's okay now that I've sort of gotten used to how things are run, but I still feel like an idiot. What's scary is that I'm responsible for these kids! Thank god there's a lot of backup! But what's really taxing me are people who work there that seem to have it in for the residents. Today, I could have easily gone off on one of the nurses who kept giving me a hard time for things I wasn't really responsible for. She acted very pleasant when doing something for me in front of someone else, but then she'd start yelling at me for it later. First she yells at me for a simple misunderstanding that I could have explained quite easily if she'd have only been quiet and listened for a few seconds. Then later, she snaps at me, accusing me of doing something that I didn't do! I so wanted to confront her about all this, but all instincts told me to hold my tongue or else it would only get worse. Sometimes the best way to deal with petty people are to ignore them.

October 29
Wow. It's been quite a while since I've written here. IN my defense, life's been a bit busy for the past few months. This is my first vacation. Two weeks. They've been SO nice so far. Well, sort of. Nice in that I don't have to think about work. Not so nice because I've come face to face with that ugly thing called my social life. Right now I'm kind of in a black mood. It's always hard to accept the fact that you'll always be put in the role of the "friend." I've been in this role since as long as I can remember. God forbid someone actually likes me instead of my friends. By like, I mean like on a physical level. Don't get me wrong. At least I can say that I have a lot of friends. It's just that I've never been able to shake the image of myself as the perennial "friend." Case in point. Last night, I went out with one of my friends to a gay club. First of all, I've had a crush on my friend, but I've been trying to figure out whether it would be better to just be friends, or try to move to a different level. I've decided to leave it as friends. However, we met this guy whom was like my ideal man--tall-ish (taller than me anyway), thin, lithe, not too muscular, actually not muscular at all, small, black glasses, a little bit of a goatee, funny, cute, a little self-abashed, but extremely warm with his friends. I started talking to him after much balking and much encouragement by my friend. So finally start talking and I'm thinking, "Cool. He likes me." Then it happens. He starts grilling me about my friend. Don't get me wrong. He was very nice, and I enjoyed talking to him very much. It just hurt like all hell when he started asking me about my friend more than about me. The one weird thing is that he was all touchy-feely, friendly with me. So I was left wondering who he liked. Me? My friend? Who?! Then again, it may just be my warped sensibilities from NYC given that if someone looks at you in the eyes, a complete stranger mind you, then he or she is coming on to you. If he/she touches you, then they're REALLY interested in you. Whatever. I want to just go crawl back into my celibate hole and try and accept my fate of the "friend."

December 17
Okay, this is going to make me seems like a complete ditz who can't really make up his mind, but I've fallen for my friend all over again. It's funny. I never would have met him if I hadn't stared so hard at him at the Gay Pride Festival when I first moved here. Then we started hanging out and being friends. You know when it hits that point where you think, "Hmm...I like him, but I like being his friend. I don't want to mess up our friendship though." Except that, while I was okay with just being friends, things will happen that make me want to be his boyfriend. We both recognize that we have a lot in common. It's sort of weird. We do have a lot in common and we think in similar ways. But, is that a better foundation for a friendship or a serious relationship? I don't know. Last night, I met up with him at a club. One of the first things he said to me was, "I'm SO glad you're here." Apparently, he'd had a strange evening with one of his other friends. We hung out with some of our other friends (actually the guy that was totally my type and his friend). Then after I had danced, (Mel C's song "I Turn To You" had come on), I came back to people watch with him. Inadvertently our hands touched. Now I know it's just a casual thing, but I could have sworn that we both looked at each other. Then he sort of playfully took a swipe at my stomach and smiled at me. Of course, this is all probably the result of a delusional, love-struck fantasy, but still it's done its work on me. Now I feel like I have to ask him out; if for no other reason to put this issue to rest in my mind once and for all...

If you have any comments, please feel free to email me!

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