Here are a couple of Myths and Conspiracies that only I find to be completely retarded, and I explain why.
Yakub the Scientist: According to Minister Luis Farrakhan, a black Islam minister, a black man named Yakub who was a genetic engineer created the white race 6,600 years ago. Farrakhan claims that blacks created whites, so whites are actually the inferior race. I'm so glad races are still considered inferior in his train of thought. So, in 4,600 B.C. the technology existed to bio-engineer human beings, and that technology existed in Africa of all fucking places. They live in huts but somehow had the technology in the stoneage to alter race. Another great claim by Farrakhan was that he was abducted by aliens, beamed up into the mothership, and the aliens told him about a high cabinet meeting in the White House about the U.S. invading Syria or some bullshit like that. Because of course, aliens care a lot about U.S. politics. Completely Retarded.
Ghosts: Ghost sightings are the longest running bullshit myths still running. There is a man out there for the last 6 years has offered a $1 million prize to someone who can produce evidence of spiritual paranormal. So far, no one has won it. Nobody ever will. Experts say that if you don't believe in ghosts, they will never reveal themselves to you. Wow, that's great. So spirits of the dead all have telepathic abilities and have collectively decided not to reveal themselves to those who don't believe. Likely story. We've pretty rapidly crossed over from ghost tales to fish tales. Another thing experts say is to take a tape recorder to a grave yard. One of the funniest stories I have heard about a ghost recording was about a man who took a tape recorder to a grave yard. It was completely silent and he heard no voices, but after reviewing the tape, he heard voices on the tape that he did not hear in the grave yard. On the recording were 2 ghosts discussing a Notre Dame football game. It turns out he was just picking up AM Radio waves. It's rediculous. It's like trying to prove Santa's existence by measuring chimneys. Completely Retarded.
Social Security: Another great myth is that social security is going to run out, and that in 40 years when I retire there will be no social security left for my retirement. I find it funny that actually, social security is in surplus, and is doing nothing but gaining surplus. Now why are politicians trying to scare you by saying that social security will run out? I find it funny how global warming is denied year after year and nobody is willing to look a few mere months down the road for consequences, but with social security we are looking 40 years down the road? I think not. The political agenda in scaring you is aimed at privatizing social security. If it is privatized, corporations such as Merrill Lynch and Bank of America will be in charge of the social security, with billions upon billions of dollars at their fingertips, to invest in any way they wish. The only funny thing about privatizing social security is that if the stock market crashes again, all of the social security money will be lost. If the Government stays in control of social security, that money is Federally protected, and will not be lost in the event of economic crisis. Completely Retarded.
Human and Dinosaur Coexistence: Believe it or not, a national poll was conducted and 32% of Americans believe that humans and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time. If this is you, you're in pretty bad shape. I hate to break it to you, but Jurassic Park was a movie based on a fictional novel. I can't believe how bad some people suck. Really, if you believe that humans and dinosaurs coexisted, even though the most recent dinosaur bones carbondate millions of years before the oldest human remains found, I'd say you're pretty far off. Why don't you hop on the clue train and join the other 68% of us to an education.
Tobacco Companies: Guess what? You support Tobacco Companies! Yes You! Maybe you don't smoke, but every time you cook up a Kraft Mac and cheese, eat Kraft Caramel squares, or wake up in the morning and eat any Post branded cereal, like Post Raisin Bran or Post Honey Bunches of Oats, you are giving money to the Tobacco Companies. Cigarettes are just one product inside of the never-ending revenue chain that make their way to support Tobacco Products. It's like Miramax and Dimension film studios. They mostly make Rated-R cinema. They are owned by Disney, because Disney wants to make their bucks in the Horror/Smut market as well, without getting Disney's name tied to the film. Take a look at the back of a copy of the film "Scream." You will see a tiny holographic disney logo on the back. Completely Retarded.
2007 Apocolypse: The world is not going to end in 2007. There was some lunatic dressed up like Captain America who came into my store and was running a bunch of stupid conspiracy theories at my boss. He had heard about these on the internet. You read it on the internet so it Has To Be True right? Here are some of the things he said. In the year 2007 the planet X is going to pass us and the world is going to end because that planet is going to dramatically change our weather. Well if that was true, I'm sure we'd be seeing the starts of an ice age about now. He also claimed that the moon is actually a hollowed out spy satellite, and little men are sitting inside spying. I guess they operate the tides by remote control. We landed on the moon about 40 years ago, so I'm sure a lot of work has been done in that time on the moon, and a lot of low profile shuttle launches out of Florida that nobody noticed. He also claimed that the Government wants to ban television remotes because we might accidentally set off hidden dynamite or something crazy like that. Since television remotes operate off of infrared, and remote triggers that are used for explosives are operated on a radio frequency, I find that hard to believe. It's impossible for Radio Frequency and Infrared to interact. Even if TV remotes were frequency operated, out of quad-jillions of different frequencies I'm sure a TV remote would hit the trigger. I'm surprised that cel phones or television antennas haven't set off explosions world wide, or gargage door openers for that matter. Fucking Ludacris. Completely Retarded.
Iraq did not have WMD's: Bullshit. Rumsfeld himself sold them to Saddam between the years of the mid 80's to early 90's. Completely Retarded.
I suck: Total myth. I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. If I wasn't me, I'd wish I was. Completely Retarded.
Damn I'm Good.