The Heart Never Lies

 

Is it really better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?  I ask myself that every night.  I loved and lost.  I wonder how life would be if I had never met you.  I wonder if I would be better off.  And no one understands.  So I hide the confusion, and my feelings.  No one else sees the demons dragging my soul away, kicking and screaming. Maybe I should let them have it.  Or is it really even there?  Because I already gave it to you.  And I know you took it.  You'll never give it back, will you, Princess?  So it's gone now.

 

How?  How is it so easy to steal life from someone like you do?  I looked into your eyes so many times…  Why didn't I see that there was nothing there?  How could I be so easily fooled?  And why can't I stop staring at your picture?  I guess the person that hurts me most is myself.  That’s why I hurt so much.  Because I can't get away from my greatest enemy.

 

How did this come to pass, that you gained enough power over me to hurt me so?  Why did I let you rule over me as you did your other subjects, the people who grovel at your feet?  The people who don't care if you have done right or wrong, so long as you wear your expensive dresses and smile prettily when you walk among them.  They all love you, I suppose, for what you are to them.  I loved you as the person.  Does that make me less important?

 

Sometimes you must go back in order to go forward.  I want to get on with my life, so how far back must I go?  I want to know what went wrong between you and I.  Was it something I did, or said, that made you push me away?  Did you find someone else, perhaps someone who would be accepted by the people as your lover?  Unlike myself, of course.  You were always so worried about what other people would think of you...

 

When did I first lay eyes on you, in person?  Sometime after the war, I think, and after the Eve Wars, with Miss Kushrenada herself.  The little red headed twerp.  I think I knew that there was something special about you the second I saw you.  At the salvage yard, wasn't it? 

 

I never did like that place, the graveyard of mobile suits.  But at least Duo cleaned up after himself, picking up the bits and pieces he had destroyed and selling them for a profit.

 

Duo was always so kind to let me stay at the yard and help him out, even though we both knew he wasn't at all interested in me.  No, he saved his enamorings for a certain Gundam pilot.  I suppose I was hoping, though, that one day he would turn to look at me and realize that he felt something for me that was more than friendship.  Then, one day, Heero showed up at the yard, and, as I watched the two of them talking and smiling and laughing, well, in Duo's case, anyway, I realized that Duo would never love me.  Heero and Duo were meant for each other, and I was in the way.

 

Heero stayed the night, and I remember him watching me closely the entire time, trying to see if I was going to be an interference of any kind.  You know how Heero is, eliminate all obstacles then get on with the mission.  Well, Duo was the mission, this time.  And there was a possibility that I was going to stand in his way.  The thought scared me.  The idea that Heero felt threatened by me scared me even more.  I didn't sleep much that night, you can be sure.  No, I stayed awake the entire time, glancing about me frantically, jumping at the sounds of crickets, searching the shadows with my eyes, just waiting for Heero Yuy to press the barrel of his gun to my head and blow me away.

 

The next day, you came.  You always did have knack when it came to sniffing out Heero.  I remember that I was working out in the front yard, my screwdriver and a block of metal and bolts in my hands, as your limo drove up to the salvage yard.  My first thought was that it had to be a mistake.  What was a limo doing at a salvage yard?  My second came to me as I caught my first glimpse of you stepping out of the car.  It was that I had never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life.

 

My third, I am sad to say, was that I looked like crap.  There I was, oil staining my hair, skin, and clothes, dark circles under my eyes, and in probably the worst outfit I owned; my loose coveralls and my plaid shirt, sleeves pushed up to my elbows so I could work.  I was a sad sight indeed, compared to the goddess that was you.

 

Just imagine my horror when you walked up to me and smiled.  I was almost positive that you were going to mistake me for some kind of beggar and drop some coins by my feet.  And, I am ashamed of this, I would have taken the coins if you had, without a second thought about the matter.  But then your smile widened and your lips parted a little, as if to speak.  So I waited.  I knew who you were, and I knew what your voice would sound like.  But I had found you to be even more beautiful in person, and perhaps the words you spoke would be under the same influence.

 

"Is this Duo Maxwell's residence?"

 

I suddenly understood why it was you smiled.  You were after Heero, and, if I was here, if I was with Duo, than surely Heero and Duo had no chance together.  Heero would come to you in the rebound.  Poor Princess, you never had a chance.  I wanted to let you down easily, not sure if I could bear seeing your face once it had fallen.

 

"It is.  He's inside, though.  He has some company, so he's taking the day off.  But I'm just an employee, and I don't have that luxury."  I remember watching closely as you pressed your lips together, thinking, then watched your eyes dull a little as my words hit home.  So I wasn't with Duo after all, and your little plan had gone to ashes.

 

Of course, Duo chose that exact moment to come outside.  "Hey, Babe!  Let's get moving on those power--"  His voice trailed away as he caught sight of you.  He made a little strangled sound in his throat and backed up a few steps.  "Hello, Ojousan!  What brings you here?" he asked as he slammed the door, hand clenched tightly around the doorknob.  You couldn't see that, from where you were standing, or hear the little growl that came from inside as Duo slammed the door in Heero's face, but I was trying my hardest not to laugh and give them away.

 

"Hello, Duo."  Your voice was cold to him, and I immediately understood that you and Duo were never going to get along very well.  But Duo seemed to be trying his best to keep you happy, calling you Ojousan and the like, treating you with all the respect you deserved.  I snorted when he offered to give you a tour of the yard, trying to figure out exactly what there was there that was worth looking at.  So we kept a big mound of scrap metal and garbage in the back yard, so what?  And I could just imagine you, Princess, walking through the heap of junk in your high heels and spotless blouse.  But you refused the offer, surprise surprise.  You just wanted to find Heero.

 

And it was about that time that I left you and Duo to verbally fence with one another.  I exited to the back of the house, where Heero had slipped a window open and had one leg over the sill, knowing exactly why Duo had slammed the door on him.  He glared at me as I approached, then quickly lost the look as the window, slammed down onto the middle of his back.  He grimaced.

 

"Duo's house," I informed him, "is a piece of shit.  It could fall down at any second, be lucky that you only got hit by a loose window."  Then I paused.  "Why didn't you go out the back door?"

 

Heero snorted and turned his head away, but I could still see the smile.  He was glad, I could tell, that I wasn't going to be any competition for him.  Like I could ever be any competition.  Little did he know that he was the obstacle standing in MY way.  I wanted you, Princess.  Could anyone blame me?  But, at that very moment, you were arguing with Duo as to whether or not Heero had come by.  It was an argument Duo would win, I knew; the braided fool was stubborn when he wanted to be.

 

And it somehow came to pass that, after a few more weeks of such encounters, your persistence  was truly stunning, and you and I became friends.  And, once I decided to leave Duo's humble abode, not because I was afraid Heero was going to kill me as I slept, but because I was being kept awake with all the racket the two of them were making every night, you were the one who offered me a place to stay.  I guess it just went uphill all the way from there.

 

I can still remember clearly the day I first admitted to myself that I loved you.  But, even more clearly, I can remember watching outside my window every day, waiting for you to return, if only so that I could catch a glimpse of your face.  Of watching the TV news, to see you speak before crowds of thousands and wish that you were talking to me.  Of scouring the sky for falling stars to wish on.  Yes, I loved you, more than I had ever loved Duo.

 

I had been staying at your estate for almost two years before that fateful day came.  The day you discovered that Heero truly didn't care for you.  I remember it well; I had watched from the window as you entered the house, trying your hardest to keep from crying, the moon shining radiantly upon you.  Your beautiful face was contorted with effort, and I made haste to come to your aide.

 

When I knocked on your door, you quickly told me to go away.  But I could hear you crying through the door, and it nearly broke my heart.  So I opened the door into the forbidden territory and hesitantly entered your room.

 

The sight of you sprawled atop your bed, arms clutching a pillow to your breast, aroused feelings in me that, until then, I wasn't aware I possessed.  I felt very jealous of that pillow right then.  I wished, at in those first seconds that I saw you lying there, that I was the one you clutched to you in your sorrow.  But it was a wish I did not expect to have granted.

 

When you saw me standing in the doorway, you made every attempt you could at hiding your tears from me.  I think I laughed softly, and you looked away, ashamed.  Then, when I held you in my arms, trying to ease your pain, you finally understood why I had laughed.  After all, what need could you possibly have that would have you hide your tears from me?  I was your friend; I was your companion.

 

I don't know how long I held you before I finally spoke, and before you finally told me that Heero had confronted you, tired of running, and bluntly told you the truth.  His heart had led him to Duo, and, as you had so often told him, the heart never lies.  But it had taken his confession, face to face, to finally convince you that your chase was pointless.  He had given his self to Duo, heart, soul, and body.  You would never have any of those things, not from him.

 

It was only then that I confessed my love for you.  I remember touching your golden hair softly, rubbing it between my fingers softly, relishing the silky feel, and hoping to whatever gods watched over me that you wouldn't push me away.  And, in an event that I truly believed to be a miracle, you did not.  Instead you gripped me closer.

 

I don't think I'll ever forget what you said to me right then.  You told me, in a voice that was softer than the beating wings of a butterfly, that you, too, had felt this thing growing between us.  You had tried to ignore it, insisting that it was wrong, and your pursuit of a long time love, a love which was, in your mind, more righteous, had been the best way to push the feeling away.  I remember staring into your crystal eyes right then, wondering if it could possibly be anything other than a dream, if fate wished to play with me as a puppet, twisting my emotions around the fragile strings.  I was so afraid that it was a dream, and that, in truth, I could never hear you say those words but in my reveries.

 

But no, it could be no dream.  You held me close, and I could feel that you were shaking, and a happiness so intense that it was pain flooded through me.

 

I had never known what it was to be happy, not since I was a small and heedless child; happiness was something I dimly remembered from before I had been too young to care about the war.  In war, my life had soared into free spaces of the spirit and I had known exaltation and the delight of power, as well as the suffering and struggle of the pain and ordeals; but never the pure happiness I knew now.  The moon seemed to shine more brightly through the window, the stars seemed to move through the sky like great wings against the dazzling, sparkling air, every thread in the comforter on which we sat seemed to shimmer with it's own interior light, a light that seemed to shine out from us as well.  I saw myself mirrored in your eyes and knew that I was beautiful, and that you desired me, even as I desired you, and that our love and respect for each other was so great that we would hold our desires within bounds.  I felt I would burst with my joy.

 

Time stopped.  I swam in delight.  I did no more than stroke your cheek with the gentlest of feather-light caresses; you played softly with my fingers, feeling the calluses on my palms, and neither of us wanted more.

 

It was a long while before we spoke again.  I believe it was I who first shut my eyes and leaned back against the wall, opening my mouth to speak.  My voice was a stranger to my ears.

 

"Love makes life so confusing," I said, "but, without love, why would you want to live?"

 

You smiled then, and lay your head on my shoulder.  "You wouldn't," was your only answer.  Then you looked at me and promised that you would love me forever, and that you would never do to me what Heero had done to you, and I laughed, kissing your cheek.

 

I should have known better.  Promises are lies placed in beautiful boxed tied with pretty ribbon.  And, like lies, they are not things that can be trusted.  Once you cut the ribbon and lift the lid, the promise disposes of it's happy mask and reveals itself to be what you feared it was all along.  But I did not find that out until it was much to late.

 

Months passed.  We were so happy together; life was like a dream that neither of us wanted to wake up from.  You and I would spend days together, and nights, sleeping side by side.  However, many of our nights consisted of little sleeping.  You and I were never bored, we were always finding new ways to toy with each other so that one of us- or both- would come close to falling beyond the cliff of exultation.  Other nights we would just stay up talking, discussing what was waiting ahead of us, what we had left behind us.  Always we would make our love known to one another.

 

I never thought that you would desert our future for your past, but you did.  I just woke up one moment to see that Pagan had all my bags packed.  My heart broke when he told me that you had gone to find Heero again, that he and Duo had separated and that I was to leave.  So I did, but I went proudly, with my head held high and my heart cast with stone.  The wall of stone fell the second I arrived at my hotel, where I fell to the bed, sobbing.

 

I've been staying here for almost a week now.  I'm low on money, hungry, and the hotel staff is about ready to kick me out.  So I'm going to write all of this down and go on with life, keeping this paper in my pocket so I remember that my life wasn't always this bad.  I don't know where I'm going to go.  Back to Duo's, maybe, to see if my position has been filled yet.  I'm not sure.

 

The pain of a broken heart doesn't ever go away, you just have to get used to the feeling, as I've found out.  I'll find someway to survive without you, trying not to remember that what we had was great.  And I'll remember that there are only three things that are certain in life.  We all die.  What we don't know is greater than what we do.  And we all make mistakes.  I'll go by, day after day, hoping in my heart that this was all a mistake and that you'll come running back to me.  But isn't that what you hoped Heero would do?

 

I'm sorry, Princess, but it's about time you gave up on him.  His heart led him to Duo, just as mine led me to you, and, after awhile, yours led you to me.  The heart never lies, Princess.  If you listen to it, you will find happiness.