Never Forget

Rating: NC-17 for the whole fic, PG-13-ish this part

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its related characters. If I did, the series would be chock-full of tasty shounen ai goodness. I do, however, own the situations which occur in this fic.

Pairings: 4+2+4, 4x2, 2+1+2, 4+1+4 (?), 1x4 ... uh, no not all at the same time.

Warnings: Shounen ai/yaoi... and a whole lot of it, lemon... and a whole lot of it, angst... and a whole lot of it, obsession... and a whole lot of it, dark... just a dash (depending how you look at things), seduction. And a lot of symbolism. 

 

Chapter Two: Ashes, Ashes

"This is a story about Love. Keep telling yourself that and you just might believe it."

-----------------------------------

His first objective was simple, yet vital. Quatre had to make sure Heero was attracted to members of the same sex. Quite easy to discern, really, Quatre thought as he padded down the stairs. Heero was in the living room reading the newspaper, absorbed in current events. Offering up a quick thanks that the day was warm and Heero was sitting at the table, Quatre steeled himself for what he was about to do.

 

"Good morning, Heero!" he greeted the other boy. He deliberately walked up to Heero's elbow and seemed to be scanning the open page of the paper.

 

Heero made the little "hn" sound that served as his greeting and turned one Prussian blue eye in Quatre's direction. The blonde suppressed a smirk as Heero made a subtle double-take at Quatre's appearance. With that slight glance, Heero's eyes would land on the expanse of Quatre's bare chest; and as the eyes traveled down, Heero would realize Quatre was clad only in a ragged pair of denim cutoffs and sneakers. The Arabian continued to read an article on the expanding market base of Winner Enterprises, Incorporated, reaching out one pale arm to trace the line and mumbling the words in sotto voice. He pretended not to notice Heero's sudden intake of breath as his hip brushed the Japanese boy's shoulder.

 

Done with the article, Quatre stretched his arms above his head as he crossed the room at a leisurely pace. He was well aware of Prussian blue eyes following his progress, shaded by the newspaper. With sure movements, Quatre drew open the blinds fully and pushed open the French doors that led to the sunny garden outside.

 

"What are you going to do today, Heero?" Quatre asked in a polite tone.

 

Heero blinked and his Prussian blue eyes dropped guiltily down to the paper. "Day off. I hadn't planned on doing anything today."

 

Of course, Quatre said in his head. I knew that already. "Me, too," he chirped up instead. "I was planning on working in the garden today. I'm worried about the roses in this heat."

 

"Hn."

 

Quatre stretched once more for good measure before stepping out into the yard. As he dragged out the coils of garden hose and turned on the faucet, he watched Heero's actions from the corner of his eye. From his position at the table, Heero had an unobstructed view of the whole yard. As the clear, clean water sprayed out of the hose, Quatre put his thumb over the end to create the proper spray. He watered the plants dutifully, and then when he was sure Heero's eyes were on him, applied more pressure to the hose, causing the water to spray all over the place -- and all over him.

 

"Aah!" he exclaimed with the proper amount of surprise as he was rapidly drenched from head to toe. Heero's eyes were definitely on him now. Quatre let the hose slide sensuously through his left hand while his right hand rose to flip the water from blonde hair. He tossed his head back, marine blue eyes half-shaded by heavy lids, glittering drops of waters flying back in an arch.

 

Quatre stood for a long minute, luxuriating in the feel of the cool, clean water on sun-warmed skin. His senses seemed heightened somehow by his task and he felt a delicious shiver dance down his spine, following the trail of liquid drops. Finally blinking through his sodden bangs, the blonde lifted his eyes to catch Prussian ones staring at him. Smiling brightly, Quatre jogged lightly to the open veranda doors, leaving splashes of water in his wake. He raised an arm and beckoned.

 

"Heero!"

 

The Japanese boy jumped, but you had to have the eyes of an eagle to catch it.

 

Standing on the patio, a small puddle forming at his feet, Quatre smiled and brushed his hands through his hair again. "I can’t believe I was so clumsy. Can you get me a towel, please? I don’t want to drip all over the floor."

 

Heero nodded once, dropping his paper on the table and moving an light steps through the house. He returned after a few moments, holding the fluffy blue towel in front of him like weapon. Quatre reached out, still not taking a step into the house. Heero sighed and stepped forward, only the threshold of the door between them.

 

"Thank you," Quatre said as he pulled the towel from Heero’s hands. He allowed his fingers to brush against Heero’s tanned hands, hiding his amusement as he felt the quiet tremble that went through Heero’s body at the touch. He ran the towel up one arm, across his chest, and down the other, keeping his eyes cast down. He pretended to not notice how Heero watched for some seconds before shaking his head and returning to the table and his paper.

 

Quatre smiled.

 

And returned to the garden.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They lay together, breaths catching in their throats, struggling to regain balance after a good hour or more of sex. Quatre could clearly remember pulling Duo into his arms and burying his face against thick chestnut hair. Duo went willingly, of course, not minding the sweat and stickiness of the situation. It was nothing they hadn't shared after all. And Quatre remembered the feelings swelling up in his chest as he gazed down at Duo's sleepy and sated expression. His mouth worked soundlessly for a few moments as he tried to summon the courage to say the words that had been pounding in his heart and soul for weeks now. "Duo..." he had murmured.”Duo... I--"

 

"Anyone can say ‘I love you,' Quatre," Duo had said, interrupting Quatre's confession, his voice rolling the vowels in his name. "But not anyone can mean it."

 

Quatre blinked. This was definitely not going according to his plan. "What do you mean, Duo?"

 

It was here that Duo had pulled himself up (Quatre could still recall the sharp pang of loss he felt when Duo pulled out of his embrace) and fixed the Arabian with a steady violet gaze. "What I mean, is that you shouldn't say things if you're not prepared for the consequences."

 

Even then, Duo had been trying to protect him. Quatre had just been too naive at the time to realize it; well, he knew better now. "But, Duo!" he had exclaimed. "I know what I mean! I lo-"

 

"Quatre!" Duo snapped out, his words harsh and stopping Quatre with his mouth still forming the words. "Don't say it, Quatre! Please. I've lost too many people in my life. Too many people who said they loved me and then suffered and died for it. Don't say it, Quatre. Don't." The harsh words had faded to a pleading whisper by the end.

 

And Duo had dropped his head, long chestnut bangs obscuring and hiding his heart-shaped face. Quatre quailed, unable to deny Duo anything at this point. Instead, he gingerly gathered Duo up in his arms, rocking the other boy and murmuring soothing things into his ear. And hot tears had bathed his chest soon after, rinsing away all traces of impurity and base desires from his body. Quatre had been baptized in Duo's tears and he knew he was lost forever.

 

Quatre loved Duo.

 

But he would never say it.

 

Because that was the way Duo wanted things.

 

And what Duo wanted, Duo got.

 

Because Quatre loved him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Quatre had barely been toiling in the garden for an hour before he heard Heero bark out his name in an irritated way. Wiping off his dripping brow with the back of his hand, Quatre turned to where the Japanese boy was standing in the patio doorway.

 

"Yes, Heero?" he called back, running a hand across the back of his neck and down one bare shoulder and wincing.

 

"Baka," Heero's voice returned. "You're turning red."

 

Surprised marine eyes looked down at his chest and arms. Heero was right. Quatre's fair skin was flushed from the sun -- any longer and he would soon start to burn. The Arabian placed a sheepish expression on his face while his mind wandered. So... Heero had been watching him closely enough to notice that he was about to get a sunburn. His mission was going well.

 

"Get in here, you fool!" Heero snapped.

 

Snatching up his towel, Quatre walked back into the house, carefully drying himself off without irritating his skin even more.

 

"I guess I lost track of time," Quatre said as he went into the bathroom and dug out a small bottle of sunscreen. He returned to the living room and sat down at the table, wincing as he did so. "Ouch."

 

The Japanese man grunted, and then snatched the small bottle out of Quatre's hands without a word. Heero's hands were brusque -- much like his bedside manner was -- though Quatre did not blame him. He simply sat in his chair, watching as Heero snapped off the cap to the bottle of sunscreen and squeezed a fair amount into his tanned hands.

 

“I'm sorry to make you to do this, Heero."

 

"Hn."

 

The Japanese boy nearly slapped his hands down across Quatre's back and he did not bother to hide the wince as he felt the sting of his sunburn. Any longer and he would have been burnt to a crisp. Then Heero started to rub the slippery lotion across his shoulders and arms in rough motions. This wouldn't do at all.

 

"Ow!" Quatre yelped. "Heero, that hurts!"

 

"You should have remembered to do this before you spent an hour in the sun."

 

But his hands became more gentle. To encourage him, Quatre leaned into Heero's hands, quietly manipulating both of their bodies to send out positive signals. Quatre rolled his neck and shoulders, as if warding off any soreness or stiffness.

 

"I suppose you're right."

 

"Hn."

 

And then Heero's hands were there, rubbing at the knots that had gathered in Quatre's shoulders. It was an expert massage; one delivered by a person who knew just what it felt like to be sore and wanted to get rid of the feeling immediately. Quatre leaned further back into Heero's touch, eyelids dropping in a hazy sense of pleasure.

 

There. There it was. That change. That shift. That almost-impossible-to-notice change of Heero's hands. No longer were they detached and clinical; they had become alive, running smoothly across Quatre's shoulders and upper arms. He was reacting. He was enjoying. Heero Yuy was feeling. Quatre made a soft, appreciative noise in his throat as Heero's hands traveled down the length of his back. And, as if burnt, Heero's hands jerked and he stopped his movements. Looking with a slanted glance over his shoulder, the blonde quirked and eyebrow at his companion.

 

"Is there something wrong, Heero?" he asked with a slight drawl.

 

"Hn." Strong hands fumbled with the bottle of sunscreen again and Quatre hissed as he felt the cool salve being worked into his heated skin again. Judging from Heero's reaction and the fact that his hands were once again moving in precise, almost mechanical motions, Quatre knew that he had managed to put another chip into the Japanese boy's armor.

 

But it was enough.

 

He had felt how Heero's hands had softened against his skin, becoming more caressing than perfunctory. The dark-haired youth had enjoyed placing his hands across Quatre's willing and open body. Even now the memories of wantonly running his hands across the smooth alabaster of Quatre's back were probably running through Heero's mind over and over again; like a forced looping playback of a battle or skirmish. But the Arabian knew that this was one war that the Perfect Soldier would not be able to win. If he judged correctly, any moment now, Heero would...

 

The warm hands were abruptly removed from his back and the top was snapped onto the bottle.

 

... Heero would stop because he was confused.

 

Quatre looked past the shade of golden-blonde obscuring his vision and smiled at Heero. His wide marine eyes marked how Heero continued to wipe his hands against the towel hanging across the back of the chair, how the other boy would rub at his hands as if to remove some invisible stain on his soul. Too easy. It was far too easy.

 

"Are you all done, Heero?"

 

"Hn."

 

"Well, thank you for doing this for me."

 

"Hn."

 

And in a bold maneuver, Quatre's marine eyes held Prussian blue in a heavy look. And, fully knowing that Heero was watching, Quatre allowed his eyes to rake down the other boy's body, sampling the sight of toned muscle encased in blue jeans and the slight bulge beginning to form. Dark brows raised in response. The Arabian caught sight of flushed cheeks and open pink lips before the mask froze over Heero's features again.

 

"I better get back to the plants now."

 

Quatre breezed through the room, making sure not to brush up against the other boy any more, and out into the sunny garden yet again.

 

He left Heero Yuy in the living room.

 

Frustrated.

 

Confused.

 

And alone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

First mission objective accomplished.

 

Quatre smiled secretly to himself, golden bangs obscuring his vision as he bent over the plants lying innocently in their beds. As his now tanned fingers plucked ripe red fruits from their stems, gently teasing them from their comfort and into the stillness of possession in the basket in his hands, Quatre smiled.

 

Heero Yuy was definitely attracted to members of the same sex.

 

Whether he was homosexual or bisexual or curious or confused did not concern Quatre in the least. From his reactions to Quatre's coy and subtle flirtations and teasing, Heero could not ignore the Arabian. Very very good. Things were falling into place now.

 

Second mission objective: find out if Heero Yuy is interested in Duo Maxwell.

 

A dampness in his hand startled Quatre out of his thoughts and he looked down. His hand now held a crushed strawberry in its tanned depths. The sticky pale red juice bled over his hand, leaving a delicious trail down his wrist and forearm.

 

"How careless of me," Quatre murmured. Noticing Heero's Prussian blue eyes on him yet again (but pretending not to) Quatre raised the offended limb, licking his forearm straight up to the wrist. He was quite sure that if he had been any closer, he would have been able to hear the choked noise Heero made while his Prussian eyes widened in response to the stimulus. The blonde tossed the remains of the abused fruit in his mouth, savoring the sun-kissed sweet taste. Licking his lips, he took his time sucking on every finger and joint, fully removing all traces of the berry juice. As he did this, he recalled a time when he and Duo had decided to "experiment."

 

Strawberries were now his favorite fruit because of that night.

 

When marine blue eyes cast a shaded glance toward the open veranda doors and the table by the window, Heero Yuy was gone.

 

Quatre licked his lips once more to catch any stray juice and did not allow the smile to leave his countenance.

 

"He'll be back," he pronounced to the innocent strawberries.

 

Then he knelt down again to pluck them from their stems.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Isn't it strange," Quatre began, running the cool water over the basket of fruit, "That we all ended up together like this?"

 

Heero looked up from his casual perusal of the newspaper. He watched Quatre continue to wash his fresh-picked strawberries for a brief moment before his deep blue eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

 

Blunt as ever, Quatre thought with a faint smile. Shutting off the taps and straining the strawberries, he made a vague gesture with his free hand. "This. All of this. Who would have thought that after the Wars were over, we'd all end up together like this?"

 

"Do you want us to move out?"

 

Quatre blinked and started to place the red berries one by one into the softly-patterned china bowl. "No. Of course not. I enjoy your company."

 

"Then why question it?"

 

Hefting the bowl in his hands, Quatre moved from the kitchen to the living room and placed the offering on the table. He snagged one strawberry and motioned for Heero to take some as well. "I'm not questioning it. Not really. I just think that... well. There's not a lot of normal guys our age who end up living together."

 

The Japanese youth set his newspaper to the side and crossed his arms on the table. His Prussian eyes focused on the bowl of strawberries and Quatre was amazed by how open Heero became once you got him into a conversation. Then his thoughts were gathered and Heero looked up.

 

"We're not exactly... normal boys, Quatre. Even if we weren't Gundam pilots, we're still the youngest active agents in the Preventers. We're a group made up of an assassin, a thief, a mercenary, a rebel, and a warrior. That's hardly 'normal' under any circumstances. What we've been through has bound us together. Could you ever really talk to anyone else about what it was like to pilot a Gundam? Would there be anyone else how understood what it meant to be used by ZERO System? When would your exploits in destroying an OZ base come into polite conversation? So, I don't find it surprising at all that we've stayed together. Misery loves company. Or that's what normal people say."

 

Heero reached out, plucked off a few fruits from the bowl and bit into one. Quatre just sat, absorbing everything Heero had just said. He hadn't expected that. He hadn't expected that at all. The Japanese ex-pilot was such a wonderful mix of contrasts and unconventionality. So this was what it was. This was what Duo had seen in him. Plotting his words carefully, Quatre plucked another strawberry from the bowl. He had to do this carefully. He had to manipulate the conversation without Heero realizing it.

 

"I never really thought of it that way, Heero. I mean, during the war we all seemed to be so different. It was like we were all fighting for something different even though we were all on the same side. No, rather, it was like we all had our own methods of coming to the same conclusion."

 

"Protecting the colonies."

 

"Yes. And we never really did spend that much time with each other. You and I we together at Cinq Kingdom for less than a month. I hadn't even met Wufei until we were all on Peacemillion. And Trowa and I ran into each other a few times on Earth during missions."

 

"You forgot Duo," Heero replied as he toyed with his strawberry, cutting it in half with a knife he had pulled out of somewhere on his person. "From what I saw of you two on Peacemillion, you seemed to be very close. Or at least friends."

 

Quatre covered his knowing smile by placing a strawberry in his mouth. "Hmmmmm..." he muttered as he chewed, watching as Heero's eyes followed his tongue licking stray juice from his lips. The other boy had very neatly fallen into his verbal trap. And now he could push the conversation to see where Heero's heart -- and hormones -- led. "Yes. I think I spent the most time with Duo. We were together for a month on Earth, and then we met briefly in L4 before grouping together on Peacemillion."

 

"So you two were friends by then."

 

The blonde gave a shy smile. "We were... a bit more than friends, Heero."

 

Heero blinked at that statement and Quatre held his breath as he waited for the Japanese boy's reaction. He reached out with his uchuu no kokoro and could feel the flash fire response of Heero's deeply buried emotions. Surprise, yes. Understanding, yes. What was it... what was that quavering thing that was lurking behind all the other emotions? Jealousy? Yes! Yes! Anger and denial! Hurt and longing! Quatre had to avert his gaze to hide the emotions rolling in his own heart. Heero took the action as one of embarrassment and spoke up quickly.

 

"I didn't mean to offend you, Quatre."

 

Quatre turned bright marine eyes on him. "I wasn't offended by your silence, Heero. It's just... well... I thought it was so terribly obvious what was going on between Duo and I. Neither of us is very good at concealing our emotions."

 

"Not really. You could have been mistaken as no more than good friends."

 

"So... you're not going to treat us any differently? So many people do."

 

Heero snorted. "They're stupid. Besides, it would be hypocritical for me to judge you. You're doing nothing more than living by what your emotions tell you. It's human."

 

Quatre laughed disarmingly. "Well, I suppose that's true! I mean, think of it... we've known each other for years and I still haven't seen Duo with his hair down!"

 

Heero's startling Prussian eyes pierced Quatre in question, dark brows arching. "You haven't?"

 

The two words -- four syllables -- were enough to startle the Arabian to the core. His facade almost slipped, but he pulled it back into place. "No. Have you?"

 

Heero gave a sharp nod and Quatre had to fight down the urge to do something drastic. He blinked wide marine eyes at the stoic boy, prompting him without words to continue. The other boy sighed. "It was during the war. You know that we were partnered together for a while -- a month, I think. We transferred to different schools where OZ bases were located. We often ended up dorming together. That's why I've seen him with his hair down. He had to brush it after his showers, or sleep, or just because."

 

There was a grimace trying to work its way across his face. He wouldn't allow it to manifest. One month. So, Heero had been given one month with the braided boy as well. One precariously timed month before his own sojourn with Duo. That one month had destroyed his chances at being with Duo totally...

 

One damn month...

 

"Is Duo's hair really as long and thick as it looks like when it's in the braid?"

 

"Hai." Then Heero looked at Quatre in confusion. "I'm surprised you haven't seen Duo with his hair down before. Considering that you two were... together."

 

The blonde’s mind snapped to attention once more. Was that a note of jealousy in the Japanese boy's voice? Desperation perhaps? Or was Heero subtly trying to weed information out of him? Ah no, Quatre thought. I won't let you turn this game against me. You're the pawn. Not I. But what to say? What to say? If Heero thought that Duo was unavailable -- or worse, still with him -- Heero would surely balk and Quatre would never be able to find out if Heero considered Duo as more than a friend.

 

"Duo and I were involved, yes. It didn't work out. We're just friends. Of course, he hasn't been dating recently, so I don't think he's found anyone new."

 

There was a bitter stab through Quatre's chest as he forced the hateful words past his lips. Ah, perhaps time didn't heal all wounds. Sometimes time only made them hurt more. A dull sort of ache that consumed your whole being until all you think about was the pain. And when it wasn't there, you mourned its loss because only by hurting could you convince yourself that you were alive. To be separated from Duo... it was so bitter, this exile.

 

But on the outside, the blonde smiled warmly and plucked a ripe strawberry from the bowl.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

His mind flashed back of its own accord, something which had been happening to him with alarming frequency lately. Still, the Arabian did not mind reliving his own memories and did not put up a fuss. His cherished memories brought him back to the summer after the First Eve Wars. The whole world was struggling towards peace now, the limping and hobbled steps of the newly christened Earth Sphere Unified Nation doing its best to comfort and reassure the survivors. If he were inclined to be cynical, Quatre Raberba Winner would have said that even if true peace was not achieved by the war, there were certainly fewer soldiers left to fight!Instead, Quatre propped his head against his hand and stared into Duo's wide violet eyes as the other boy spoke. They were sitting in comfortable wicker chairs set on the patio of one of the blonde’s estates on Earth. There was the notable absence of servants and the Maganacs, as Quatre had been dragged from his work by his overzealous boyfriend. A wonderful vacation.

 

Quatre didn't mind spending his time staring at Duo.

 

"-- But it's gotta be great, Quatre, being surrounded by family all the time. Twenty-nine sisters, ne? Man! I remember that there were about a dozen kids at the Church. ‘Course, they all got adopted but me, but Sister Helen and Father Maxwell were always there. They were the only family I ever had."

 

The Arabian smiled at his American lover. "Well, yes. I suppose having a large family is nice. However, I've hardly met any of my sisters and they're all so much older than me. The ones I have met all treat me like a child because I'm the youngest, or treat me like I'm special because I'm a boy. I feel like a morning star."

 

Duo stared at him for a long moment, violet eyes blinking once, twice. "What did you just call yourself?"

 

Quatre tilted his head to the side and looked up from his lemonade. "Hmm? Oh. A morning star? Well, yes... it's a silly comparison, but I feel like that. You know, the stars you see at dawn, just before the sun comes up. They shine so bright then. My sisters are like the sun, blocking and fussing and outshining me. It's rather annoying. I've piloted a Gundam and they don't trust me behind the wheel of a car!"

 

At Quatre's indignance, Duo smiled. "Oh. That's what you mean. Well, I wouldn't recommend calling yourself a morning star in public, Q."

 

"Eh? Why?"

 

"Don't you know? The Morning Star is what Lucifer's name was before he fell from Grace."

 

Quatre shivered a little at the comparison but then Duo was there, kissing him softly and Quatre soon forgot himself, falling into the braided boy's embrace.

 

One year later, Duo ended their relationship.

 

One year after that, Quatre leaned his elbows on the table and took a bite out of the strawberry in his hand.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Quatre watched with well-concealed interest as he used his uchuu no kokoro to probe Heero's emotions. The dark-haired boy was a veritable storm of conflicting emotions. Confusion, denial, attraction, embarrassment, anger... all this and more rolled off of Heero in a nearly palpable wave, and Quatre didn't even need to use his empathy to tell. While his face and posture were rigidly set into an attitude of ease and disinterest, the Japanese boy's eyes burned and flickered with his thoughts. The blonde licked his lips to catch the faintest traces of the sweet juice that filled his mouth.

 

Tsk. Heero. You should be able to hide all of your feelings by now.

 

And Quatre felt himself being drawn into those tumultuous Prussian blue depths. Felt himself leaning forward, eager and anxious to touch those shining orbs that pulsed with inner light and life and love and need and sex. Deepest blue that in the cover of night could be mistaken for violet...

 

The Arabian snapped out of his trance, pulling back and standing up so quickly that he shocked Heero out of the stupor of desire that had been momentarily woven. With those unerring Prussian blue eyes on him -- don't think about them! -- Quatre stuuttered out a convincing:

 

"Oh! I forgot to turn the water off!"

 

He hurried from the cool depths of the veranda, where Prussian blue burned and twinkled at him, and into the still sunlight-flooded yard. Making sure he was out of Heero's sharp sight, Quatre raised his face to the sky, where he had vague hopes of the harsh sun blinding his own traitorous marine eyes.

 

How could he even have begun to compare the beauty of Duo's amethyst eyes to Heero's shuttered sapphire? What kind of blasphemy was he committing to even think that anyone could come close to Duo?! It was wrong... unnatural... totally against all of his ideals. Duo was unique, genuine, true... completely untouchable by anyone else. The blonde considered himself blessed that he had been able to love the braided boy.

 

And to think such things about Heero! Heero, who was to be his gift to the stunning American!

 

Quatre realized his weakness for what it was. He was trying to find a substitute, a replacement for his ex-lover. Idolatry. But after touching Heaven, how could you settle for the mundane Earth? Never! Never! Quatre chastised himself. I will never betray Duo!

 

"Disgusting," he muttered to the yellow roses in his path. "You're disgusting, Quatre. The only hope for forgiveness and salvation you have now is to ensure Duo's happiness."

 

The blonde looked down and sharply twisted off the water, relishing the sting of the knob biting into his hand. Not enough. Not enough. That wasn't enough pain to stave off the hurt of his soul. He needed punishment for defying Duo...

 

Marine blue eyes focused on the innocent yellow roses and brightened.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The slight squeak of hinges turning was all Quatre needed to know that someone had entered his office. Without bothering to look up from the mounds of papers stacked on his desk, Quatre waved a dismissive hand at the intruder.

 

"I am not entertaining any meetings or interviews at the moment," the Arabian muttered automatically, his mind going over the figures in the reports he was reading. "If you must speak with me, please schedule an appointment with my secretary."

 

"And here I thought you'd be happy to see me!"

 

Quatre blinked and looked up from his desk, his pen falling forgotten from his fingers. There, with a vase of yellow roses in his arms stood his lover. Duo was smiling softly, striding forward to place the gift on an unoccupied corner of Quatre's desk. The Arabian rose from his leather chair, moving around the desk to capture the American in his arms and press a kiss against the braided boy's soft lips. But even as he leaned forward to steal a kiss, Quatre could feel Duo stiffening in his arms. The blonde broke off the kiss quickly, looking curiously into his lover's violet eyes.

 

"Duo? Is something wrong?"

 

Duo fidgeted, pulling carefully out of Quatre's now lax embrace and taking a few steps back. The chestnut-haired boy was nervous, uncomfortable about something. But what? What had happened to upset his Duo so? Quatre would not allow anything to hurt his love. He resolved to get to the bottom of the situation and then extract the necessary revenge on any who would harm Duo. His mind focused, Quatre leaned casually against the edge of his desk, trying to appear supportive.

 

"Duo? I know you don't normally visit me here. I know something is wrong. Please tell me."

 

Quatre locked his marine eyes on Duo's violet for a brief moment before the other boy broke the gaze, clenching his braid in his right hand and tugging on it. Recognizing the nervous gesture, Quatre reached out to placate Duo, but was surprised when his lover actually flinched away from his touch. Quatre stared at his offending hand. Why was Duo acting like this?

 

"Duo..." he started again, but then Duo started to pace and cut off his words.

 

"Quatre... I..." Tortured violet eyes searched his own and then closed. "I'm gonna make this short and sweet, Quatre. Well, not so sweet, but I don't wanna hurt you or anything, and I guess the best way for me to do this without wussing out is to just spit it all out."

 

The blonde nodded. "You won't hurt me, Duo. I just want to know why you're upset."

 

The braided boy stopped his pacing, standing directly in front of Quatre. "I... Quatre..." Duo struggled with his words, then started up again. "Quatre, I care about you... a lot."

 

Quatre gave a soft smile. "I know that, Duo."

 

Duo shook his head. "No. I mean, I care about you. Hell, we've been lovers ever since the war. But... it's because I care about you so much that I'm gonna say this now."

 

"What, Duo?" Quatre prompted gently, even though he was sure he wouldn't like the answer. A chilling hand was squeezing around his heart. What Duo was going to say next would probably destroy him.

 

"I want to break up."

 

Oh... Allah... he so hated to be right. In the space of a few seconds, Quatre's tenuous control over the situation had collapsed and now Quatre was reeling from shock. The desk he had been leaning against now held him up, the only stable thing in his universe at the moment. No. No. It couldn't be true! Not after so long! Not after all these years they had spent together! Not when he had finally begun to believe that this was forever! Duo couldn't be ending it now! It was all Quatre could do to keep up his strong facade as Duo's words ripped into him.

 

"I mean, it's not that I hate you or anything," Duo continued heedlessly, not noticing the inner pain Quatre was going through, his dark eyes never quite meeting Quatre’s blue. "And it's not like I didn't enjoy being together. I had a good time. I liked being with you. I think me and you are pretty tight, you know? But... I... I can't stay with you if I don't... love... you the same way you ... love... me. It wouldn't be fair. It would be a lie."

 

"Is there someone else?" Quatre asked. He wasn't even sure why he was asking this question. With every word that spilled from Duo's beautiful lips, Quatre's world was shattered into innumerable pieces. But... hadn't he known all along that Duo would never truly be his? Hadn't he known all this time that Duo didn't truly love him, that his heart was not totally his?

 

Duo blinked and bit his lip, averting his violet gaze. "Sort of," he admitted. Then his held up his hands with a panicked look on his face. "But I wasn't cheating on you or anything!"

 

No, Duo... don't say it.

 

"I mean, there's someone I... like... more."

 

Please, please... stop talking...

 

"I think... if things had been different..."

 

No! Don't say it! Don't say it!

 

"... if I didn't... love... him..."

 

Oh, Allah! Kill me now! Don't say it, Duo! No! Don't say it!

 

"I could've loved you instead."

 

In his mind, Quatre started to scream.

 

"Is it Heero?"

 

Quatre didn't know how he managed to ask this question without his voice quavering; how he managed to ask without giving into his fury and resorting to violence. It was if his mind and body had been separated, operating totally on their own.

 

Duo just dropped his eyes and gave a small nod. "Did you know?" he asked in a whisper.

 

"I've known ever since the war."

 

Duo's head snapped up, violet eyes wide in surprise. "Then... why did you...?"

 

"Because I love you. You never let me say it before."

 

"Quatre... Quatre... I really don't deserve you."

 

"Don't say that, Duo. I just want you to be happy. Will this make you happy?"

 

"Yes... I think it will."

 

Quatre stepped forward and placed a soft kiss against Duo's lips. It was short and bittersweet and it would be their last kiss. With all the strength left in his soul, Quatre pulled away without giving in to the need to grasp Duo in his arms and beg the braided boy to never leave him.

 

"Then I'm happy for you."

 

Duo smiled, brilliant, beautiful. The shining in his violet eyes seared through Quatre's soul, making him feel calm and at peace even though he knew he would never feel this way again. Then Duo left without another word, to face his new life, separate from Quatre's.

 

With the office door firmly closed, Quatre fell against his desk, all of his strength leaving him in a great rush. It was gone now. Everything was gone. He had tried for so long to make Duo happy, but in the end, it was worthless. He loved Duo. He did. Why couldn't Duo see this? How could Heero Yuy magically make Duo forget all of the love and attention Quatre had lavished on his lover? Looking up at the floral arrangement sitting on his desk, Quatre's marine eyes narrowed.

 

With one sharp movement, the heavy vase and roses were flying across the room, shattering in a spray of crystal and water and yellow petals against the wall.

 

It was worthless, too.

-- To Be Continued --