The Origins of One Rocker, Robert F. “Bernie S. ‘Steam Shovel’ Tudor” McDevitt
One day, as I was frolicking in a vast, dew-covered meadow, skipping and twirling about, I saw a rainbow. Thinking to myself that at the end of said rainbow might be located one (1) pot of gold, I decided that I would find this end of this rainbow. As I traversed the meadow, the sky darkened and brightened, the temperature fell and rose again, and the fairies and marmots retreated to their respective holes and returned to prance about, and all the while I marched toward the unseen end of the seen rainbow. On the third day of my travel, I noticed a warm glow coming from the bottom of a hill. I cautiously made my way toward this beacon of light to investigate. When I neared its source, I found, to my delight, that said source was none other than a distinguished-yet-playful-looking miniature cactus. Here is the ensuing dialogue, in a convenient dramatic format:
Bob: Pardon me, Mr. Cactus (miniature), but I couldn’t help, upon inspecting you and realizing that you are indeed a cactus, thinking that a cool, dewy meadow is not the first place I would have expected to find a distinguished-yet-playful-looking miniature cactus such as yourself. Explain.
Mr. Cactus: What is it about this cool, dewy meadow that suggests that a distinguished-yet-playful-looking cactus such as myself would not desire to take up residence in said meadow?
Bob: That is not at all what I had in mind, sir, as this is quite a lovely meadow, perhaps the loveliest in the land, and you are indeed quite a lovely cactus, undoubtedly, in fact, the loveliest, most glorious cactus I have ever encountered. This is however, my first experience with the meadow-cactus phenomenon and I am quite startled, yet pleased nonetheless, by its implications.
Mr. Cactus [in a jolly, cactus-like voice that could only be produced by a cactus]: Well imagine my surprise at seeing you cross my wondrous path! It is not incredibly often that we get hardcore American rockers in these parts! Ho ho ho ho ho!
Bob: That explains why I am not wearing any pants!
[Bob
and Mr. Cactus both enjoy a hearty chuckle]
Mr. Cactus: No, my dear boy. You still have much to learn. But for now, put these on.
[Mr. Cactus produces, out of thin air, quite the elegant pair of trousers, rather evidently the finest Bob has ever seen.]
Bob:
Wow, Mr. Cactus! This
is quite the marvelous pair of britches!
In fact, I don’t recall ever having seen such a fine, wondrous,
unbelievably fantastic pair of pantaloons in all my years!
Mr.
Cactus: And this is only the
beginning. Mark my words,
fellow rocker, if you befriend the trousers, the world is yours for the
taking. Now get a load of
this!
[Mr. Cactus somehow turns the hill behind him into a crystal-clear pond, teeming with the most wondrous fish this side of the mighty Mississip’]
Mr.
Cactus: Behold the beauty and
might of my ‘Fabulous Fish Garden!’
And be on your way; for many adventures and much merriment shall
await you!
[Bob does indeed behold the beauty and might of Mr. Cactus’s ‘Fabulous Fish Garden!’ And after exchanging pleasant farewells with Mr. Cactus, he is once again on his merry way.]
So
after exchanging pleasant farewells with Mr. Cactus, I was once again on
my merry way. A few more days
passed, and with them a few more chats with the natives and a few more
cartons of egg nog. As I
finished my last carton of egg nog, I stopped in my tracks and cursed my
lack of egg nog. Suddenly, a large cardboard beast appeared before me,
bellowing like the famed iron horse of the prairie.
Here is the ensuing dialogue, once again in a convenient dramatic
format:
MAGICAL
EGG NOG WIZARD: Thou hast
summoned me from the depths of Delicious Foodstuffs Paradise! Let it be known to all that for which I am here!
BOB:
If I didn’t know better, I would swear that you bear a striking
resemblance to a carton of the world’s most delicious beverage, except
that you are of enormous proportions and you are wearing a cape.
MAGICAL
EGG NOG WIZARD: Indeed, where
the cape is found, there shall I be, championing delicious taste for the
world ‘round! For when thou
thirsteth for the most radiantly delicious taste in all the land, there
are none to whom you can turn but I!
The Magical Egg Nog Wizard, which I am, shall be known forthwith as
the provider of the most splendidly tasty of all treats to thy palate!
BOB:
¡exelente!
[At this point, BOB is presented with the NEVERENDING GLASS OF EGG NOG]
MAGICAL
EGG NOG WIZARD: This, my son,
is the Neverending Glass of Egg Nog!
Rejoice in its glory!
[With that, the MAGICAL EGG NOG WIZARD disappears, leaving BOB to stare in wonderment at his newly acquired glass.]
So
at that point, the Magical Egg Nog Wizard disappeared, and I was once
again on my merry way. Shortly thereafter, I approached the end of the rainbow.
I could see that its end lay on the other side of a hill, and I
quickly dashed up the hill and tumbled down the other side.
At the end of the rainbow, however, was no pot of gold.
Instead, there was another rocker, who was not unlike me, and who
was, in fact, me. Here is the
ensuing dialogue:
BOB:
I have been expecting you, my son.
BOB:
And I have been expecting you, as well.
BOB:
The time is upon us. We
must combine our forces, that the world may be a better place.
BOB:
Indeed we must. With
the two of us joined together as one, along with this Neverending Glass of
Egg Nog, the streets will henceforth be safe to walk at night, and the
rock will flow freely as the bubbling crude.
BOB:
And it is like the famed black gold of yore that we will prosper,
and lead a nation into the year 2099!