BLACK SCREEN
WE can hear two people in the throes of passion.  Not reserved or restrained.  Both are being loud and vocal.  
DIRK (O.S.)
Oh Nancy, I've waited for this moment a lifetime.
Nancy (o.S.)
Oh Dirk!  I'm yours.  YOURS!
DISSOLVE TO:
Int. Hospital room - dAY
A clean, polished patient room.  A white shade surrounds one of the beds.  Behind the shade are two shadows, intertwined as they make love. 
DIRK
Nancy, I love you so much.  
NANCY
I love you too Dirk!  
As they reach their climax, both let out primal YELLS that reverberate off the walls.   The shadows collapse and the shade is drawn back. 
Leaning back, arms crossed behind his head is DR. DIRK BANNER (Bruce Campbell), suave, manly and good looking.  Cradled on his chest is NANCY, a hot, blond nurse. (The kind you NEVER see in a hospital.)
NANCY (cont'd)
Oh my God, Dirk.  You were fantastic!
DIRK
I know.  Some talents you're just born with. 
NANCY
I can't believe I've only been here a couple of weeks.  I feel like I've known you all my life. 
DIRK
I've had my eye on you ever since you walked in the door.  Well, I guess our 'break' is over.  We'd better get back to work.
OLD PATIENT (o.S.)
Then can I go back to sleep?
They both look over and see an elderly man hooked up to machines in the bed next to them. 
DIRK
Sorry about that.  I thought you were dead.
Int. Patient floor - hospital - dAY
Dirk and Nancy, both fully dressed, step out of the room into the flurry of activity on the hospital floor. 
NANCY
So...Dr. Banner...would you like to go to dinner tonight?
DIRK
Sorry Nina.
NANCY
Nancy.
DIRK
Nancy, right. I just don't think it's gonna work out. 
NANCY
You're...dumping me? 
DIRK
Sort of.  You're fired. 
He walks to the Nurse's station, leaving her dumbfounded.  Sitting at the station is BRENDA, the head nurse.   
DIRK (cont'd)
Hey Brenda.  Would you make sure Nancy's locker is cleaned out in fifteen minutes?  Oh, and put a notice up for another nurse.
Brenda
Only took you two weeks this time, huh Dr. Banner?
DIRK
My average is getting better by the day. 
Nancy lets out a ear-shattering angry SCREAM.  Dirk puts his finger to his lips. 
DIRK (cont'd)
Shhhh...patients are sleeping.
He walks triumphantly down the hall.  Brenda heads over to Nancy, who shakes in anger.
BRENDA
I'm sorry honey.  I warned ya. 
NANCY
I don't care how long it takes.  I'm gonna get him.
Ext. MAIN HOSPITAL ENTRANCE - DAY
DR. JAJUAN EATES (Samuel L. Jackson) paces outside, glancing at his watch.  Dirk steps outside and lights a cigarette.  He walks over to Jajuan and they shake hands warmly.
DIRK
Dr. Eates.  Thought you clocked out an hour ago?
Jajuan
My wife's late.  If she doesn't hurry, we're gonna miss the meeting. 
DIRK
Meeting? 
JAJUAN
That same old crap.  Kenneth Crapsworth has been trying to take over the ice cream stores for years.
DIRK
But Eates Ice Cream is a staple in this town.  
There's a WHISTLING and suddenly there's a bloody SPLAT right in front of them.  They both look down.  It's a heart, still trying to beat. 
Surgeon (o.S.)
Yo!  Little help?
Dirk picks up the heart and tosses it up to the second story window where a surgeon catches it and salutes his thanks. 
JAJUAN
The shop's struggling for money these days.  It may not be too long before I have to consider his offer. 
A sleek convertible BMW roars up the circular drive right towards them.  It SQUEALS as the brakes are slammed on, but it still taps both doctors on the knees.  They YELP in pain.
A long pair of legs steps out of the car. They belong to RACHEL LEECH (Nicole Kidman).  She presses a button on her keychain and her car door shuts, catching her coat and ripping it.  
Paying no mind, she struts up to Dirk. 
Rachel
I was hoping to catch you here.  I wanted to serve you this myself.
She shoves a manila envelope in his hands. 
DIRK
What is this?
RACHEL
Why don't you figure it out?
DIRK
(reading)
You're suing me for sexual harassment?  But you seduced me!
RACHEL
Prove it. 
She turns to go back to her car.  She presses the button to open the door, but it doesn't work.  She keeps walking, pounding on the button.  Suddenly --
The door flies open, hitting her square across the stomach.  She flips over the door, landing on her back.  Without a word, she stands, gets in the car and drives away. 
Another car comes speeding up.  The curvy figure of MAYA EATE (Vivica A. Fox) steps out and hugs Jajuan.  
Maya 
Hi baby.  Sorry I'm late.
(spots Dirk, seductive)
Hello, Dr. Banner.
JAJUAN
You two have met?
DIRK
We've...bumped into each other. 
MAYA
(changing the subject)
C'mon honey.  We're late.
She and Jajuan get in the car and drive away.  Dirk takes a last drag on his cigarette and is about to walk in when --
Another loud, juicy SPLAT.  A liver has fallen on the ground in front of him.  He looks up to the Surgeon leaning out the window.
SURGEON
Sorry.  Do you mind?
Dirk sighs and tosses the liver back up.  As he walks back in, he mutters --
DIRK
Amateurs. 
Ext. Crapsworth estate - daY
An enormous sprawling mansion that seems to go on for miles.  The landscaping is ridiculously lavish with imported palm trees that look completely out of place.
Int. landing - crapsworth Estate - dAY
KENNETH CRAPSWORTH (Michael Douglas) walks confidently down the curved staircase.  He stumbles on the last couple of steps, but recovers quickly.
Int. Living room - crapsworth estate - day
Sitting on the couch is SISSY CRAPSWORTH (Tara Reid) wearing a satin robe.  She paints her toenails while she watches TV, where an 'Entertainment Weekly' type show is on. 
ON TV
The host appears with a picture of Sissy over his shoulder. 
HOST
Once again Sissy Crapsworth, daughter of billionaire Kenneth Crapsworth, has made headlines when yet ANOTHER sex videotape has begun circulating on the internet. 
Video plays showing Sissy naked with black bars strategically covering her privates.  She frolics on the bed with a man whose identity WE can't yet see.
BACK TO SCENE
Kenneth walks past and sighs when he sees the TV.
Sissy
I don't know how these things keep happening.
HOST
(from TV)
This is the fifth time in the last two years that Sissy Crapsworth's sexual escapades have been publicly circulated, but this time it's available on DVD with commentary by Sissy and multi-angle perspective. 
KenNETH
Do you have to keep doing that sweetie?
SISSY
But Daddy, it's like my life can't be private anymore.
Now WE can see that a camera crew is in the corner, taping everything.  Sissy smiles at them in a pose.  She maneuvers her arm and her robe slips down, exposing her breast.
SiSSY (cont'd)
Oops!
The cameramen all reel back in disgust at the sight of her breast.
Cameraman
Oh gross!  You'd think she could afford good plastic surgery!  Let's go.
They turn the cameras off and walk out.  Kenneth just sighs and follows.
Int. Foyer - CRAPSWORTH MANSION - dAY
Kenneth picks up the paper from an end table and reads as he walks.  He passes by MARLA CRAPSWORTH (Teri Hatcher), who smiles warmly.
Kenneth
Good morning honey. 
Marla
Good morning Kenneth.
As he turns away, her smile changes to a sneer.  He heads for the front door. 
KENNETH
I'm late for my meeting.  Gotta go.
MARLA
Be careful.
He opens the front door, but as it swings back -- his son, JONATHAN CRAPSWORTH (Ethan Embry) calls out.
Jonathan
Hey Dad!  
Kenneth turns back, just in time to avoid an axe that swings down from above the door frame and buries itself in the oak door. 
He looks back, surprised.
KENNETH
Now who would leave an axe above the doorframe like that? 
(to Marla)
Marla honey, would you mind to tell the gardeners to be more careful?
Marla looks positively enraged, but then smiles.  Kenneth looks at the elaborate trap, then turns back.
KENNETH (cont'd)
You know what?  I don't think this was an accident. 
(to Jonathan)
What did you need son?
JoNATHAN
Can I get a ride to the doctor? 
KENNETH
Sure thing. 
Jonathan heads out.  Kenneth turns back to Marla. 
KENNETH
Make sure the gardeners don't leave anymore of their homemade burglar traps around, okay?
He pecks her on the cheek and walks out.  As the door closes behind him --
Marla screams in anger and pulls out a butcher knife from the nearby kitchen counter.  She throws it as hard as she can.
Ext. CRAPSWORTH ESTATE - dAY
The door shuts and Kenneth stops as he hears a THUMP.  He shrugs it off and continues.  Behind him, a knife blade protrudes from the door.
INT. HOSPITAL EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY
Dr. Dirk Banner walks into an examination room. We see that a man, MITCHELL FARTNELL (Jason Ritter) is waiting for him. Mitchell is good looking and appears to be in his early to mid twenties. Banner approaches him.
DIRK
So what seems to be the problem?
Dirk looks over and sees a sheep sitting on the examination table. 
DIRK
What the hell is that?
MITCHELL
This is my wife.
DIRK
It's a sheep.
Mitchell
You have to look deeper than that.
DIRK
(long pause)
It's a sheep.
MITCHELL
It's Daisy.  My wife! 
DIRK
I would have remembered sleeping with that.
MITCHELL
What?
DIRK
Nothing.  Look, do I need to call a psychologist or would you like me to refer you to a discreet vet?
MITCHELL
Daisy died two years ago.  This is her. Reincarnated.  Just look in her eyes.  Can't you see it?
Dirk stares the sheep in the eye and both look blankly at each other. 
DIRK
It's a sheep.
MITCHELL
Look, I didn't come here to be disrespected!
DIRK
Okay, okay.  When did you make this discovery?
MITCHELL
I was driving down a country road and I passed this farm.  I looked out across the open field and saw her.  We locked eyes...and I just knew it was her.  Look, I realize that this is 'outside the box' thinking, but I know in my heart that this is my Daisy.  All I ask is that you treat her just like any other female patient.
DIRK
So I should have sex with it and never call it again?
Mitchell shakes his head at this and places Daisy on the table.
DIRK (cont'd)
Ok, so what seems to be the problem?  What's wrong with Daisy?
MITCHELL
Well she hasn't really been acting like herself lately. She's been really slow and sluggish lately.
DIRK
Well let's get this examination underway.
Dirk begins to examine Daisy. He feels around Daisy's lower belly and she groans in pain.   
DiRK (cont'd)
Hmm...I'm going to have to check back end.  Help her up.
Mitchell lifts Daisy to a standing position and Dirk stands back behind her.  He takes his pen light and shines it straight on, grimacing at the smell and sight.  
But then he grows curious.  He reaches in -- there's a loud SLURPING as he digs deeper.  Daisy's eyes go wide. 
Dirk emerges with a slime covered dildo.  Once he sees what it is, he freaks out drops it on the table.  He looks to Mitchell, eyes wild.
MITCHELL
(shrugs)
So she's a little kinky.
INT. BEDROOM - dAY
We see a couple making out on a nice bed. The first is AUGGIE MEYER (James Marsters) who speaks in a heavy Australian accent and is very good looking. He appears to be the bad boy type. 
The other is TAWNY EATE (Gabrielle Union) who looks to be in her late twenties and is one of the sexiest women ever. They continue to heavily make out. The TV blares in the background.
AUGGIE
(Heavy Australian accent)
Oh baby!
TAWNY
Yeah, you like that?
AUGGIE
Oh yeah.
They continue to make out as we focus in on what's going on the TV. We see a NEWSCASTER talking about a sex tape.
NEWSCASTER
Sissy Crapsworth, daughter of Kenneth Crapsworth has made yet another risque sex tape. This tape is by far her raciest ever. I don't mind saying that I'd love to hit that. 
(hears someone off screen)
How many men?
(turns back to the camera)
I retract my last statement.
We see pictures of Auggie and Sissy in compromising positions on the TV. Tawny turns to Auggie.
TAWNY
Oh hell no!
AUGGIE
No, that's not me, I swear.  You know you're the only girl for me. 
TAWNY
That is you!
AUGGIE
That could be a lot of guys.
We keep watching the TV as they play a piece of the tape. We hear the same "Oh baby" remark from Auggie on the tape in his thick Australian accent. Auggie looks at Tawny with guilt.
AUGGIE
It could be a lot of Australian guys. 
Ext. Eate house - dAY
Tawny shoves Auggie out, buck naked and slams the door.  Auggie backs up, screaming up at the window. 
Auggie
TAWNY!! BABY!  PLEASE FORGIVE ME!  C'MON BABY!  MY BUTT'S GETTING GOOSEBUMPS!
But he doesn't get an answer.
A mailman with his short sleeves rolled up and wearing a pink bandana walks by -- Obviously flaming gay.   He sees the bare bottomed Auggie.
Mailman
Boy, this job sure has it's perks. 
Auggie sees him and reluctantly turns.
AUGGIE
Can I get a lift?
MAILMAN
It'll cost you.
Auggie weighs his options, then hangs his head.
AUGGIE
Okay.
He trudges off with the mailman, who joyfully gives him a little pat on the butt.
Ext. Crapsworth plaza - daY
The mighty skyscraper overlooks the empire of the Crapsworth family.  A lavish mall is nearby with a restaurant attached.  As WE get CLOSER, the sign comes into focus.   
The restaurant sign reads: SHITE'.  However, the neon on part of the sign flickers, taking off the "E'". Now the sign just reads: SHIT.  
WE CLIMB higher and higher up the skyscraper, all the way to the top floor where a CONFERENCE ROOM is encased in windows.  WE GLIDE through the glass to --
Int. Conference room - crapsworth building - dAY
Jajaun and Maya sit at one end of the table while Kenneth and Rachel sit at the other.  She shuffles through a pile of contracts and legal briefs while he stares down blankly, hands in his lap. 
RACHEL
As you can see, the offer that Mr. Crapsworth has made for the Eate Ice Cream chain is quite generous. 
She slides the contracts down to Jajuan, who skeptically looks it over. 
JAJUAN
On the surface it looks nice.  But I don't read the fine print too well and I know there's gonna be something in there to screw me over.
KENNETH
(still looking down)
I'm gonna OWN your ass.
Jajuan and Maya both go wide-eyed in surprise.  Kenneth doesn't seem to even notice.  Rachel looks over and now can see --
Kenneth has a GAMEBOY in his lap and was talking to it, and not the Eates.  
MAYA
Excuse me? 
KENNeTH
Bend over and take it like a man.
He's still talking to the GAMEBOY.  Rachel snatches it away and he looks at her angrily.
RACHEL
Mr. Crapsworth.  Playtime's over.  You're in a meeting.
Kenneth takes in his surroundings.  He stands, straightens his suit and smiles warmly at the Eates, who look furious. 
KENNETH
Good morning.
(turns to Rachel, hushed tone)
You better give that back to me after this stupid meeting.  I'll throw a tantrum, I swear to God I will. 
(turns back to the Eates)
Now where were we? 
Maya
The merger. 
KENNETH
Ah yes.  
He lowers a projection screen and picks up a remote. 
KENNETH (cont'd)
I've prepared a little presentation.
He clicks on the projector.  A picture of him in full bondage gear fills the screen.  Without flinching, he clicks off the projector.
KENNETH (cont'd)
My apologies.  Wrong presentation.
Rachel, Maya and Jajuan, just sit, mouths agape.  He makes some adjustments and clicks the projector back on.  Now a picture of a Shite' restaurant appears.
KENNETH (cont'd)
As you know, my chain of Shite' restaurants are the biggest in the world.
RACHEL
Country.
KENNETH
Country -- right.  
(clicks to a picture of an Eate ice cream store)
And your chain of Eate's Ice Cream Stores is the biggest in the world.
RACHEL
Country.
KENNETH
Whatever.  I have a vision.  A vision of unity, a vision of strength, a vision of a thousand Thailand hookers at my every beck and call, a vision we can all share.  
He walks to a table covered by a cloth.  He whips the cover off, revealing a model of a massive restaurant.
KENNETH (cont'd)
The biggest chain of eateries the world has ever seen.
RACHEL
COUNTRY!
KENNETH
The entire COUNTRY will want to dine at EATE SHITE'!
He clicks a switch and flashing sign appears over the restaurant that reads: EATE SHITE'.  
JAJUAN
That truly is a generous offer Mr. Crapsworth.  But my wife and I will need time to think it over. 
They stand and are about to leave when --
RACHEL
Please do.  But we've looked at your financial records and there may be a time that we don't give....we'll take. 
Jajuan and Maya glare as they leave.  Rachel walks up to Kenneth.
KENNETH
Can I have my GAMEBOY back now? 
RACHEL
In a minute.  I've received some information that TIE DYE INC has been snooping around some of our businesses.  We need to be careful of a takeover. 
KENNETH
You leave that in my hands. 
RACHEL
I guess so.  But what will you do about them? 
KENNETH
What?  The GAMEBOY, I meant the GAMEBOY.  Leave it my hands.
Rachel sighs and hands it over.
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - dAY
Jonathan sits down in the hospital waiting room. POLLY GOODIN (Parker Posey) sits across from him. Polly is in her early thirties and is one of the sweetest women in the world. It appears that she is pregnant. She turns to Jonathan.
POLLY
So why are you here?
JONATHAN
(teary eyed)
My hangnail hurts. It hurts!
She takes his hand and looks at it.
Polly
It's not so bad. 
JONATHAN
My Mommy wouldn't help me. 
POLLY
Sorry to hear that. 
JONATHAN
(looking at Polly's belly)
So when are you due?
POLLY
I'm just fat. Really fat.
JONATHAN
Dammit!  I always fall for that!  
POLLY
(laughs)
I'm kidding. I really am pregnant.
JONATHAN
You are very naughty. 
(looks around)
Didn't your husband come? 
Polly doesn't answer.
JONATHAN (cont'd)
Oh I'm sorry. It's really none of my business.
POLLY
It's okay. I'm not married. 
JONATHAN
I'm sorry about that.  I tend to sometimes blurt out things before I think them through. 
POLLY
I understand.
JONATHAN
So who knocked you up?
(sees her reaction)
Dammit!  I did it again!
POLLY
It's all right.  The father couldn't be here.  He's...really far away. 
JONATHAN
What, like in another state?
POLLY
Not quite.  From another planet. 
JONATHAN
Wow, you're really a headcase.
(realizes what he's said)
DAMMIT!  I'm sorry.
POLLY
It's a hard thing to accept.  It was a hard thing for me to deal with.  But I can't deny it happened.
JONATHAN
Sounds a little X-Files-ish to me. 
POLLY
It was like a wonderful dream.  I was at a friend's party when I suddenly felt very sleepy, so I went to find a place to lay down.  I went to back bedroom and tried to sleep, but then all of a sudden, a bright light suddenly shined down on me.  I --couldn't move.  I was paralyzed.  Then I felt the alien's hands all over me.  There was -- warm and slimy liquid -- then I passed out.  I don't remember much after that, but then I found out I was pregnant.  
JONATHAN
What an interesting story.
He moves down one seat and rolls his eyes.  The nurse enters.
Nurse
Jonathan Crapsworth. 
JONATHAN
Why don't you see her first? 
As Polly heads back, Jonathan makes the 'crazy' sign to the Nurse.
Ext. Eate ice cream shop - dAY
A large, loud ice cream store.  Business is brisk and people mill in and out.  One of them is Dirk.
Int. dining area - eate ice cream shop - dAY
Maya works behind the counter wearing a sexy tube top.  It's obvious the cold temperatures of the ice cream are affecting her chest. 
Dirk walks up to the counter and gives a trademark smirk.
DIRK
Funny seeing you here. 
MaYA
Can I take your order, sir? 
DIRK
I'd like a double dip of chocolate. 
MAYA
Would you like to eat in or take it to go?
DIRK
Oh, I'll eat in. 
MAYA
Follow me.
Maya ushers Dirk to the back room.  Before she follows, she turns to the pimply-faced ALEX, another worker in the store.
MaYA (cont'd)
I'll be back in a minute Alex.  I have to go in back and get a tub of vanilla. 
Alex
Uh -- okay. 
Int. back room - eate ice cream shop - dAY
Maya leads Dirk through the room to a large walk-in freezer in the back.  She opens the door.
DIRK
Looks a little cold in there.
MaYA
Don't worry.  We'll warm it up.
DIRK
Well okay.  I'll try anything once. 
CuT TO:
Int. walk-in freezer - eate ice cream store - dAY
Dirk slams Maya up against the wall, kissing passionately.  They rip each other's clothes off, their breath showing in the chilly air. 
As they writhe and turn, Maya's hand accidentally hits the emergency intercom button. 
Int. Dining area - eate ice cream store - dAY
The customers look puzzled when the sounds of sex come full volume over the intercom.  Both Maya and Dirk's voices can clearly be heard getting into it. 
An OLD LADY CUSTOMER hurries up to ALEX and motions him over.
OLD LADY CUSTOMER
Young man, I need to ask you something.  What flavor are they having? 
Alex just looks confused. 
Int. WALK-IN FREEZER - EATE ICE CREAM STORE - dAY
Dirk and Maya are out of control.  Tubs of ice cream fly everywhere as they move around the freezer. 
The lids come off and they both feed each other ice creams and smear it all over themselves as they continue their lustful romp. 
MaYA
You want some chocolate, baby?
DIRK
Oh, I want it!  I want it!
Int. DINING AREA - EATE ICE CREAM STORE - dAY
The customers continue to listen to Dirk and Maya's tryst. 
MayA
(over intercom)
Oh dip that cone!  Dip that cone!
DIRK
(over intercom)
I'm dippin'!  I'm dippin'!
Int. WALK-IN FREEZER - EATE ICE CREAM STORE - dAY
Ice cream flies all over the place.  Dirk and Maya are in a frenzy.  They finish with a loud ROAR that echoes all around them. 
CUT TO:
Int. DINING AREA - EATE ICE CREAM STORE - dAY
Dirk walks out with some smears of ice cream still on his face.  He looks extremely satisfied.  He nods and smirks at the stunned customers and walks out.
Maya follows soon after carrying a tub of ice cream.  She wipes a small smudge of Vanilla ice cream from her mouth.  Or is it Vanilla? 
She sets the tub down in the serving freezer and walks away.  The Old Lady Customer walks up to Alex.
Old LADY CUSTOMER
I'd like a scoop of that please.
Alex walks to the freezer and pulls the lid off the tub.  They are both surprised to see the perfect imprint of a butt in the ice cream. 
Ext. Leech law office - dAY
Sissy SCREECHES up to the office in her Pink SUV.  As she gets out, she stumbles and her boob slips out of her dress.  Immediately a photographer steps out of the bushes and snaps a picture. 
SISSY
(angrily)
Take a picture, it'll last longer!
She realizes what she's just said, shoves her boob back into her dress and heads inside. 
Int. rachel's office - leech law office - dAY
Rachel welcomes Sissy inside and motions her to a chair. A PHOTOGRAPHER waits outside the window, camera ready.  Rachel walks up and pulls the curtains shut.
Photographer
(disappointed)
Aww....
Rachel sits at her desk and twirls two metal balls in her hand. 
SISSY
So do you think I can get money for this latest tape? 
RACHEL
Probably.  But that's not why I called you in here. 
(notices something on Sissy)
Would you mind -- closing your legs?
SISSY
Why?
RACHEL
You're not wearing underwear. 
Sissy closes her legs and giggles.
SISSY
Sorry.  Thought it felt a little breezy in here. 
RACHEL
Which brings me to my point.  I have a favor to ask.  One that I will pay you a lot of money for.  Do you know Dr. Dirk Banner? 
SISSY
Yeah.  He's a dreamboat.
RACHEL
Have you slept with him yet? 
SISSY
No, not yet. 
RACHEL
I need you to seduce him. 
SISSY
Seduce him?  Why? 
RACHEL
You have a certain...gift for having your discretions videotaped and made public.  I need for this to happen with Dirk. 
She points to the wall behind her that is filled with bound files. 
RACHEL (cont'd)
Do you see these?  These are all cases of mine where I successfully sued for sexual harassment and got a lot of money for it. 
SISSY
So why this extra step with Dirk? 
RACHEL
He's cunning, slick and incredibly good looking.  He could easily sway a jury.  He's probably slept with most of them anyway. 
SISSY
But that should work in your favor.
RACHEL
You'd think that.  But there's something about him...
(dreamily)
His touch, his smile..
She crinkles her face when she hears a faint, high pitched WHISTLE. 
RACHEL (cont'd)
What is that whistle? 
SISSY
Huh? 
She looks down, notices her legs open again and closes them.  The whistling stops.
SISSY (cont'd)
Sorry.  My legs were open again. 
RACHEL
I can see I picked the right girl for the job. 
Sissy stands and they shake hands.
SISSY
Consider him seduced.
Her boob suddenly falls out of her dress again.
RACHEL
Oh, for the love of God...
INT. CASINO - nIGHT
Auggie sits down at a blackjack table in a local casino.  It's a filthy place with stains of all colors on the walls and cigarette burns on the tables. 
Most of the casino is full of older women smoking cigarettes and looking like they are about to die. Auggie moves his hands through his hair and he looks like crap. He's losing badly.
AUGGIE
Hit me!
The DEALER hands Auggie a card.
DEALER
Thirty.
AUGGIE
Crap!
DEALER
May I suggest you don't take a hit when you're at 20, sir. 
AUGGIE
SHUT UP!
Marla walks by and notices Auggie. She walks back over to him and sits down next to him.
MARLA
Hello handsome.
AUGGIE
Can I help you?
MARLA
I saw you on television.
AUGGIE
I think you have the wrong guy.
MARLA
I don't think so.  You were having that fling with Sissy Crapsworth.  They've been playing it round the clock on all the news shows.  I heard they even preempted Sesame Street for a special report. 
AUGGIE
Listen lady, I don't know who you are...
Marla sticks out her hand.
MARLA
Marla Crapsworth.
AUGGIE
Oh Crap...
MARLA
Exactly.
AUGGIE
I'm sorry Mrs. Crapsworth --
MARLA
(sarcastic)
Please call me Marla.  You're like one of the family now.
AUGGIE
Look Marla, I'm sorry, but she came on to me.
MARLA 
Don't worry about it. I'll forget about it if you just do something for me.
AUGGIE
What do you want me to do?
MARLA
I want you to kill my husband.
AUGGIE
(laughs)
You must be joking.  Kenneth Crapsworth is one of the most well known men in the city.  
MARLA
I'll pay you.
AUGGIE
How much?
MARLA
Five million.
AUGGIE
Deal!
(Turns to dealer)
I'll bid five million.
The dealer gives Auggie a 10.
AUGGIE (cont'd)
Hit me!
The dealer gives him a King. 
AUGGIE (cont'd)
Hit me!
The Dealer lays The dealer lashes out and hits Auggie square across the jaw.  
AUGGIE (cont'd)
Damn it!
(turns to Marla)
Can you make it ten million?
MARLA
(Rolls her eyes)
Idiot.
INT. HOSPITAL HALL - DAY.
Dirk steps out into the hall with a new nurse, CINDY. Dirk zips up his pants. It appears that they have just had sex. Cindy has a big grin on her face.
CINDY
That was amazing Dirk.
DIRK
It sure was baby.
(beat)
You're fired.  Now take it down to the unemployment office.
CINDY
What? Why?
DIRK
I can't see you anymore. I mean, it was fun while it lasted.
CINDY
But I've only been working here six hours. 
DIRK
And it was a fun six hours.  Look --
CINDY
CINDY.
DIRK
Cindy, right.  I'll never forget you, but I'm just not ready to be tied down.
CINDY 
But you said that you loved me.
DIRK
Yeah, I lied about that.  Sorry. I just don't love anyone. Well, except me.
(beat)
Do me a favor. Tell Brenda up front that she needs to hire a new nurse. 
CINDY
Daddy warned me about guys like you!
DIRK
And Daddy was right.
CINDY
You'll get yours, Dirk Banner. You'll get yours.
She runs off crying. Jajuan approaches Dirk.
JAJUAN
Man, I wish I had your hiring budget. 
DIRK
It's simple.  They never make it off probationary pay. 
JAJUAN
Gonna have to remember that one.  C'mon, I need your help.
Dirk follows him down the hall.
Int. recovery room - hospital - dAY
Dirk assists Jajuan with a patient that is almost completely bandaged up.  They begin unwrapping the bandaging. 
DIRK
Something wrong?  You look kinda down.
JAJUAN 
I've got a real problem.
DIRK
Well, what is it?
JAJUAN
I think that my wife may be having an affair.
DIRK
(uncomfortable)
What gave you that idea?
JAJUAN
It's the little things.  Like when she comes home without panties when I know she put some on in the morning.  And I keep finding used condoms all over the house and the condoms are too small to fit me.
Dirk glances down at his crotch and then mouths to himself, "too small?"
JAJUAN (cont'd)
And she smells different. 
DIRK
Like what?
JAJUAN
Call me crazy, but she smells like white people. 
DIRK
Could just be a coincidence.  
JAJUAN
I'm not taking the chance.  This merger with Crapsworth could fall apart if something happens to our marriage.  I've hired a private investigator to follow my wife. I'm going to nail this bastard.
They finish unwrapping the patient.  We can see now that it's a HOT WOMAN.  Dirk is immediately smitten.
DIRK
You do great work doctor. 
Jajuan hands the Hot Woman a mirror.  She looks over herself, stunned.  She squeezes her large breasts, unbelieving.
JAJUAN
Do you feel like a changed woman?
HOT WOMAN
(thick, male Brooklyn accent)
Well, yeah considering my name's Frank.  What the hell did you do to me? 
JAJUAN
(checks his chart)
You're not Lenny Patsy from Queens?
HOT WOMAN
I'm Frank Scully from Brooklyn.  I came in here to have a growth removed. 
JAJUAN
Oh boy...
DIRK
You know ma'am --er, sir.  There are some advantages.  Your breasts are quite attractive. 
HOt WOMAN
Somehow I don't think my wife is gonna want to play with 'em. 
JaJUAN
Yeah, speaking of that.  There may be a problem with the other play toy.
HOT WOMAN
You didn't.
He looks under the sheet.
Ext. Hospital - dAY
A loud SCREAM echoes all around the hospital.  It practically shakes the walls. 
Int. paTIENT FLOOR - HOSPITAL - dAY
Jajuan and Dirk step out of the room, enraged SCREAMING still coming from within.
JaJUAN
That could have gone better.
DIRK
Just give him a few minutes with his new toys and he'll be all right. 
JAJUAN
I'm gonna call that private eye and see if he's turned anything up.
He walks off briskly down the hall.  Dirk puts his hand over his face.
DIRK 
Ah, crap.
INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY
We find Polly grocery shopping in a large supermarket. She picks up some peas and looks them over, a little confused.
POLLY
How do I know what to feed it?  The least the father could have done was leave me a manual for nourishing an alien baby. 
(puts the peas in her cart)
I guess these are healthy enough.
She spots the candy aisle and sees a big pack of REESE'S PIECES.  A light goes off in her mind she empties the shelf of them into her cart.  While she does this a few strings of the E.T. Theme plays. 
She turns the corner and stops at a DVD portion of the grocery store.   She sees a big display of "Battlefield Earth" DVD's and a sign on top reads: FREE. TAKE THREE OR MORE AND WE'LL PAY YOU.
Polly takes a few and tosses them into her cart.  She doesn't notice Mitchell as he sticks his head out from behind an aisle.  As she moves on, he follows her. 
As Polly passes the cereal aisle, she spots an ad for SPACE-O's and heads down.   Mitchell walks down the next aisle.
He makes his way down the canned food aisle and stops.  He carefully moves aside some of the cans where he can see Polly looking at SPACE-O's cereal box.   Then --
The entire top shelf of cans drops down on top of Mitchell, knocking him to the floor.  Polly turns from the cereal box and peers through the aisle gap as Mitchell shakily stands up.
He circles around and joins her on the aisle. 
POLLY (cont'd)
Are you all right? 
MiTCHELL
I - I think so.  It was just --
(he looks into her eyes)
My God, you have your mother's eyes. 
POLLY
(weirded out)
Excuse me?
MITCHELL
Don't you recognize me?  It's Daddy. 
Polly whips her cart around and starts walking other direction. 
POLLY
Okay...like I don't have enough strange things going on in my life right now. 
MITCHELL
Benny, wait!
POLLY
You definitely have me confused with someone else. My name's not Benny. 
He begins hurrying after her. 
MITCHELL
Yes it is, but you just don't remember.
POLLY
I think I would remember my own name. 
MITCHELL
You're reincarnated.  Benny, please listen to me!
Polly turns back, irritated.
POLLY
I AM NOT BENNY!
MITCHELL
You have to remember!  Please try.  Your mother needs you.  You two need to set things right. 
POLLY
LEAVE ME ALONE! 
She grabs her can of peas and threatens to belt them at him. 
MITCHELL
Your mother, she died of a broken heart.  But we have a chance now.  A chance for you two to forgive each other.  PLEASE. 
POLLY
I warned you.
She fastballs the can of peas and hits Mitchell square upside the head.  He falls back, bringing the entire section of cereal down on top of him.  She hurries off while he's still covered with boxes. 
The VOICE of the SUPERMARKET CLERK echoes over the intercom.
Supermarket cleRK
(over intercom)
Clean up on aisle 4.  Weirdo on aisle 5. 
Ext. galleria mall - dAY
A plush mall in the heart of the city.  Clearly a shopping spot for the very wealthy. 
An old pinto is being towed, next to a sign that reads: NO CRAPPY CARS PLEASE.  CARS WILL BE TOWED AND WILL BE MERCIFULLY DESTROYED. 
Int. Main floor - galleria mall - dAY
Maya browses through the various shops, bored and uninterested.   She passes by a POTTERY SHACK and notices Rachel shopping as well.  They lock eyes and put on false smiles.
MAYA
Funny seeing you here. 
RACHEL
Just...looking for some overpriced junk. 
MAYA
Well, you must have a lot of choices, what with the money Crapsworth's paying you to take over my company. 
RACHEL
It's just business.  It happens every day. 
MAYA
This is my family legacy and I won't let you destroy it.  Understand? 
RACHEL
There will come a day when it won't matter what you do.  Understand?
She pushes past Maya, who looks shocked.
MAYA
No she didn't!
Maya grabs a handful of Rachel's long red locks and pulls her back, coming face to face, furious.
MayA (cont'd)
Listen up, you washed up ambulance chaser, you cross me and I'll pull out every single red hair on your pretty little head.
Her hand relaxes on Rachel's head and takes a sniff of her coat.
MAYA (cont'd)
Nice perfume.
She stomps off, thinking it's over.  Rachel grabs a nearby vase and comes up behind.  
WHAM!  The vase shatters across Maya's head, making her stumble.  She recovers and spins around, enraged.
MAYA (cont'd)
It's on bitch!
The two begin a spectacular cat fight, slamming each other into the various displays in the mall.  
Showing no mercy, they claw and punch each other viciously.  Rachel performs a kick to the face that Maya narrowly dodges, but Rachel's high heel flies off and buries itself in the wall next to her head. 
Maya spies a nearby spectator with a large 'Orange Julius' and grabs it.
MAYA (cont'd)
You look thirsty.  Have a drink.
She douses Rachel in the gloppy drink.  Rachel lets out a primal YELL and tackles Maya.  They fly over the counter of "FAT BURGER" and continue fighting. 
Rachel takes Maya's head slams it down on the grill.  Maya screams as her head sizzles.  She finally manages to grab a skillet and WHACKS Rachel in the forehead. 
Rachel's grip relaxes and Maya hops the counter and readies the skillet again.  Rachel grabs a butcher knife and hops over as well. 
They square off in the middle of the mall walkway, shoppers taking a small glance, but otherwise paying no attention.  
Rachel strikes with the knife, but Maya deftly blocks with the skillet.  They trade a few more swipes, neither one making progress. 
They near the huge fountain that is the centerpiece of the mall.  As Maya lunges forward, she knocks Rachel off balance, but she manages to grab on to Maya's dress.
With a loud SPLASH, they tumble into the fountain.  Now both drenched and beaten, they give up, breathing hard.
A MALL SECURITY GUARD walks up, eyeing both of them.  Rachel looks up at him rudely.
RACHEL
What?
Ext. CraPSWORTH ESTATE - dAY
Kenneth's jet black Hummer sits sparkling clean in the driveway.  Nearby, Auggie leaps from the behind the wall on top, trips and falls flat on his face in the driveway.
He shakes off the sting and slides underneath the Hummer. He pulls a slim knife from his pocket and slices the brake line. 
But his miscalculates and the fluid streams all over his face, temporarily blinding him.
Kenneth walks out the door with his briefcase, whistling a tune.  He waves at a NEIGHBOR across the street.
He doesn't see Marla behind him, armed with a crossbow, aimed at his back. 
Kenneth looks down -- sees something.
KENNETH
Hey, a penny.
He bends over, just as Marla fires the crossbow.  The arrow sails over him and hits the Neighbor dead on.  The Neighbor collapses just as Kenneth stands back up.
KENNETH (cont'd)
Must be my lucky day.
Marla SLAMS the door and from behind it, we can hear her SCREAM. 
Kenneth gets into the Hummer and fires up the engine.  Auggie, still underneath, wipes the fluid from his face and starts to slide back out.
He's horrified to discover that he's caught underneath. He tries to free himself, but can't.  He opens his mouth in a silent scream as Kenneth drives away, Auggie attached.
Ext. City street - dAY
The Hummer bounces along, hitting every pothole in the street.  Auggie's head gets smacked every time. 
Kenneth whistles a tune as he drives.  He spots a big pile of broken glass in the street.  He starts to turn but --
KENNETH
Aw, this baby can take it.
He drives straight over the glass.  We hear Auggie SCREAM underneath.  Kenneth cocks his head like he hears, but then shrugs it off. 
Up ahead, a road crew is spreading tar all over the road.  Kenneth just blasts on through, not even hearing them shout. 
Underneath, Auggie is completely covered in tar.  He keeps trying to free himself, but can't.  
Further ahead, there's a massive car crash involving a truck delivering pillows. Feathers blanket the road and Kenneth drives right through. 
Auggie is completely tarred and feathered.  He looks like a big chicken.  
Kenneth presses down on the brakes.  His brow curls when it has no effect.
KENNETH (cont'd)
What the --
He keeps jamming down on the brake with no effect.  Kenneth presses his "ONSTAR" button.  The ONSTAR OPERATOR comes on.
Onstar operator
This is OnStar.  How can I help you?
KENNETH
Yeah, hi.  My brakes don't seem to be working.
ONSTAR OPERATOR
I see that the vehicle is still in motion.  Are you sure your brakes aren't working.
KENNETH
Yeah, pretty sure.
ONSTAR OPERATOR
Okay then, here's what I want you to do.  GET OUT OF THE DAMN CAR!!
Kenneth immediately opens the door and leaps out, luckily landing on old mattress on the side of the road.  
The Hummer careens down the road and SLAMS into another truck parked near a warehouse. 
Auggie sails out from under the Hummer and slides into the warehouse where he lands on a conveyor belt ramp.  He rides the ramp up into another truck.
Int. Delivery truck - dAY
Auggie shakes off the crash and looks around at his surroundings.  It's dead silent.  Auggie tries to see through the feathers.
The truck is full of roosters.   They all stare at him. 
Ext. Street - dAY
As the truck rolls out the loud sound of ROOSTERS crowing mix with Auggie's screams.
INT. DRESS SHOP - DAY.
We see Marla looking around shopping for a dress. She looks at some dresses and continues to walk on. She picks up some dresses and puts them back. Tawny approaches her.
TAWNY
Mrs. Crapsworth!
MARLA
Don't worry, I know what my husband is doing to your family, but I assure you, I'm not a part of it.
I'm looking for a good funeral dress.
TAWNY
Well I'll help you out with that.
MARLA
Will you, oh that will be so great.
They continue to look at dresses together.  Tawny picks out an all black ensemble. 
TAWNY 
This one looks good.
MARLA
Not festive enough.  So how are you and Auggie doing?
TAWNY
I'm a little pissed at him right now for sleeping with that whore, Sissy.
(Beat)
Oh that's right, she's your daughter. Sorry.
MARLA
Don't be. She is a whore.
TAWNY
So who's this funeral for anyways?
MARLA
My husband.
TAWNY
But I didn't know he was dead?
MARLA
He's not.  But I've been feeling lucky these days.
We see a good looking SALESMAN walk over to Marla.
SALESMAN
Wow, Mrs. Crapsworth, you are beautiful.  
Marla blushes a little.
SALESMAN (cont'd)
Could I...help you try that dress on? 
MARLA
Well thank you.
As they start to head back, Marla turns to Tawny.  
MARLA (cont'd)
(seductive)
Would you like to help too?
TAWNY
I'll take a raincheck. 
MARLA
I'll hold you to it.
She disappears in back with the Salesman.
Ext. HosPITAL - dAY
Sissy zooms up to the loading zone and parks her SUV. She gets out wearing a tank top with velcro straps with a sign that reads: PULL TAB FOR EMERGENCY SEX.
Int. HosPITAL HALL - dAY
Dirk walks out of a patient room whistling a tune. He stops by Brenda's desk and drops off the chart.
DiRK
Send that patient up to surgery.
BRENDA
What kind of operation?
DIRK
I dunno. Make something up.  
BRENDA
Are you sure --
DIRK
Look, she smells like rotten milk.  Now get her off my floor.  And put somebody pretty in there.  
He heads down the hall leaving Brenda stunned.  As he rounds a corner, he notices a high heel laying on the floor. 
DIRK (cont'd)
What's this?
He then sees the other shoe laying a few feet ahead.  Curious, he goes to the next high heel and now sees a pair of panty-hose further ahead.   A trail of clothes. 
Like a hound dog, he follows the clothes -- skirt, vest, blouse and finally -- panties. There are right outside a door with a sign that reads: REHAB ROOM. 
Int. Rehab room - hospital - dAY
Dirk enters and is immediately overcome by steam.  He looks to the rehab jacuzzi and sees Sissy sitting in it, a seductive smile on her face.
SISSY
Hello, Dr. Banner.
DIRK
Do I know you?
SISSY
You're about to.  
With one big tug, Dirk RIPS his clothes off and jumps in the hot tub.  He and Sissy kiss passionately.
DIRK
I don't even know your name.
SISSY
Since when has that ever stopped you? 
DIRK
Good point.
They continue kissing and when a puff of steam dissipates, WE can see the room is full of photographers, some with video cameras. 
Dirk turns back and they all duck out of the way.
DIRK (cont'd)
Did you hear something? 
SISSY
It was nothing.  Now give me some sugar, baby.
DIRK
That's my line.
They kiss again, completely lost in the moment.  The photographers step back out.  Flash bulbs go off like strobes.
An assistant even steps next to the hot tub with a light meter, stepping back away after he takes his reading.   Dirk is completely oblivious,
As the sounds get more heated between the two, all the photographers tilt their heads, like getting a different angle. 
One INSECURE PHOTOGRAPHER, looks both amazed and worried. 
Insecure photographer
Oh my God.  The rumors are true.  I FEEL SO INADEQUATE!
He hurtles across the room and throws himself through the window with a shower of glass.  His screams fade as he falls.  
Dirk lifts his head again like he's heard something, but Sissy pulls him back to her. 
Ext. CRAPSWORTH PLAZA - dAY
Normal busy activity around the plaza. In the distance, a window washing scaffolding rises up the massive skyscraper. 
Int. kenneth's office - crapsworth building - dAY
Rachel hangs up the phone as Kenneth paces back and forth through his enormous office. 
RACHEL
Well, it doesn't look like the takeover will work.  At least not for now.
KENNETH
What a bad call. 
RACHEL
Not to worry.  I may have found a strategy to deal with it.
KENNETH
You're wasting time...
RACHEL
Well then I'll get to the point.  If Eate's Ice Cream was to be shut down by the Health Department, their stock would plunge. 
KENNETH
It's risky...risky.  Don't go for the easy payoff. 
Rachel doesn't quite know how to answer.  Unseen in the window behind them, the window washing scaffolding rises up.  
Perched on it is Auggie, looking beat up and still sporting a few feathers.  He readies a rifle. 
RACHEL
Look all you have to do is make sure that Eate's gets shut down.  I'll take care of the rest.  Now about Sissy's problem...
KENNETH
WIDE OPEN!! WIDE OPEN!  TAKE IT INSIDE!
RACHEL
But she's your daughter!
KENNETH
Son of a bitch!
Rachel begins to suspect.  She walks over to Kenneth and looks a little closer.  Now she can see a tiny set of earphones he's wearing. 
She yanks them out making him yelp.  From the headphones WE can hear a football game going on.  He's been listening the entire time. 
Outside, Auggie takes aim. 
RACHEL
Do I have to do everything for you?
KENNETH
Well what do I pay you for?  
Rachel rolls her eyes and throws the headphones to the floor. 
Just as Kenneth bends over to get them, Auggie fires.  The bullet goes through the window and ricochets off a metal file cabinet.
The PING of the bullet flies back out the window and slices through one of the support ropes on the window washing scaffolding.  
It hangs precariously.  Auggie looks very nervous.  Then with a final SNAP, the scaffolding swings away from the window, Auggie's scream fading away. 
As the scaffolding sails out of view, Kenneth stands back up and sees the bullet holes. 
KENNETH (cont'd)
Whoa.
There's a loud CRASH below. 
Ext. CrAPSWORTH PLAZA - dAY
Auggie lies on top of several mattresses in an open flatbed truck.  He sighs.
AUGGIE
Well that was a spot of luck.
On cue, the rest of the window scaffolding CRASHES down on top of him. 
Ext. Strip mall - dAY
Polly walks along the sidewalk, looking at outside racks of baby clothes.  As she looks over a set of pajamas, a CLOTHES SALESMAN approaches.
Clothes salesman
Can I help you find anything? 
POLLY
I have a -- hypothetical question.  Is it possible to order these pajamas with more than two arm holes?
CLOTHES SALESMAN
I'm sorry?
POLLY
You know...just in case. 
Before the Salesman has a chance to answer, Polly spots Mitchell walking his sheep, Daisy, down the sidewalk.  She immediately ducks behind a rack of clothes. 
Mitchell stops nearby and kneels down next to Daisy.
MiTCHELL
I could have sworn I saw Benny, Daisy.  
All of a sudden there's a loud SNEEZE from behind the clothes.  It's powerful enough to send Polly out of her hiding space.
MITCHELL (cont'd)
BENNY!
POLLY
I think I'm allergic to the sheep.
MITCHELL
Now don't talk that way about your mother. 
POLLY
That -- THING is not my mother you quack!  My name is Polly Goodin!
MITCHELL
You are Benny, but you just don't remember yet!  
POLLY
NO!  Listen to me!  I am not going to play a part in your delusional psychotic sheep loving fantasy!  I am a normal person!
The Clothes Salesman comes back from inside the store and turns to her.
ClOTHES SALESMAN
I just talked with the manager and he says that if you want you can order those pajamas for however many 'appendages' your baby might have. 
Polly shuts her eyes realizing what a contradiction she has just been.  She sees Mitchell looking at her strangely. 
POLLY 
I'm having an alien baby, okay?
MITCHELL
Wow, you're nuts.  Look son, I really need to you reconcile with your mother. You have to do it.
POLLY
I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING OF THE SORT!
MITCHELL
NOW YOU LISTEN HERE, YOU --
His eyes suddenly go wide -- he makes a small choking noise, then collapses.  Polly and the Clothes Salesman lean over him.
ClOTHES SALESMAN
Do you want me to call an ambulance or the morgue? 
POLLY
What's the difference?
CLOTHES SALESMAN
About twenty minutes. 
Smash cut to:
INT. emergency room - hospital - dAY
Mitchell lies on a cart being pushed at top speed down the hall.  Jajuan joins in as they head for the back examination rooms.
Polly tries to keep up while hanging on to Daisy's leash. 
JAJUAN
What happened to him?
POLLY
I don't know!  He just sort of -- collapsed!
They go through another set of doors.  Polly tries to follow, but is stopped.
POLLY (cont'd)
I'm going with you!
JAJUAN
You can't.
POLLY
Then what do I do?
JAJUAN
(sees Daisy)
Look after the sheep.
Polly looks dumbfounded as the doors shut in her face. 
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.
We see Jonathan walk into a restaurant. He sees Tawny sitting down at a table. He approaches her and sits down.
JONATHAN
You're the last person I expected to call me. 
TAWNY
You and both know that we're the only members in our family that have IQ's over a two year old.  But with their faults, I see opportunity. 
JONATHAN
I know my Dad's pretty much set on taking over your parent's ice cream stores, no matter what the cost.  If there's a way around the laws, believe me, he'll find it. 
TAWNY
Then we need to beat him to it. 
JONATHAN
To try to stop him?
TAWNY
No.  To take over both.  Ourselves. 
JONATHAN
Do you have a plan?
TAWNY
(of course)
I'm a woman.
Waiters come and set down six steaming plates of food.
JONATHAN
No thanks.  I've already eaten. 
TAWNY
They're not for you.
Jonathan looks at in surprise.
TAWNY (cont'd)
Don't worry.  I'm a raging bulimic. 
Int. Courtroom - dAY
Dirk sits on the defense side with RAGWEED, his attorney while Rachel sits at the Plaintiff's.  Rachel turns to her assistant STACY and whispers with a smile.
RACHEL
I've got the scumbag on video fornicating with another woman.  There's no way I can lose!
The BAILIFF stands --
Bailiff
All rise!
The JUDGE walks in aided by a SEEING BYE DOG.  Rachel looks down at her tape. 
RACHEL
CRAP.
Int. coNFERENCE ROOM - CRAPSWORTH BUILDING - dAY
A group of THUGS stand, lined up on either side of Kenneth like a human tunnel.  Kenneth walks down the line, smoking a cigarette.  The lighting is dark and mysterious. 
KENNETH
We're about to cross the line gentleman.  Go out to those ice cream stores.  Do what it takes.  Be creative.  Surprise me.  Go now!
The Thugs depart and Kenneth stands in front of the window -- puts his cigarette down to his side.
KENNETH (cont'd)
I must be the smartest guy in the world.  
As he takes a drag of his cigarette, he doesn't notice that he's set himself on fire. 
Int. EmerGENCY ROOM - HOSPITAL - dAY
Jajuan rushes in where a NURSE looks over a set of X-Rays. 
JAJUAN
What do we got?
NURSE
We've ruled out a cardiac problem, but he's still having trouble breathing.  Look. 
Jajuan looks at the X-Rays where a definite black spot appears in the upper body areas.  
JAJUAN
It almost -- it almost looks like there's blockage in his throat.  C'mon. 
Int. Patient area - hospital - dAY
Jajuan hurries over to Mitchell, whose breathing is labored and short. 
JAJUAN
Tweezers. 
The Nurse hands him the tweezers.  He tilts Mitchell's head back and dips the tweezers down deep in his throat.
JAJUAN (cont'd)
I've got something...
He pulls the tweezers out and both are surprised to see a big tuft of wool.  Sheep's wool.  Mitchell immediately gasps, able to breathe again. 
NuRSE
But I don't understand.  How could he get wool in his throat? 
Int. Waiting room - hospital - dAY
Polly sits in one of the uncomfortable chairs, still holding on to Daisy's leash, who is perched in the seat beside her.  She looks over to Daisy.
POLLY
Do you have any idea how disturbing your relationship is?  
Daisy just stares.
POLLY (cont'd)
So he thinks you're my long lost mother.  Okay, I'm gonna look you in the eyes and we'll see what happens. 
She locks eyes with Daisy and the two stare each other down.
POLLY (cont'd)
Give me a sign.
Daisy lets out a loud, juicy FART.  A moment of silence.
POLLY (cont'd)
That could have been a coincidence. 
Ext. Eate ICE CREAM SHOP - dAY
Kenneth's group of thugs stand outside, gazing at the shop like a battleground. 
THUG 1
Boys, let the games begin. 
Begin montage
1. Thug 1 gathers rabbit droppings from inside a cage.
2. Thug 2 dumps a bucket of fish heads into the big ice cream mixers.
3. Thug 1 sneaks up to the freezer and starts putting the rabbit pellets inside the ice cream marked "Chunky Chocolate Chip'> 
4. Thug 3 opens a big box, letting dozens of mice loose in the store.
5. A woman takes a bite of ice cream when a mouse suddenly pops out of the cup.  She lets out a big SCREAM. 
6. Thug 2 shaves his head over big batches of ice cream. 
7. A HEALTH INSPECTOR looks disapprovingly at a really fat mouse wobbling along the floor.  Suddenly a gust of wind knocks the inspector's hairpiece off his head.  It lands on the floor and before he can pick it up, it begins moving, whipping across the floor before disappearing into the kitchen.
8. A Health Inspection notice is plastered on the front door of Eate Ice Cream with an F GRADE. 
END MONTAGE
Int. CouRTROOM - dAY
Rachel slowly paces in front of the packed court room, less confident than she normally is. 
RACHEL
I will prove today, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the defendant, Dr. Dirk Banner has a long history of seducing and harassing women.  The damage he has caused, not only to me, but to scores of other women over a long period of time.
She realizes that almost every female in the room is gazing at Dirk dreamily, not listening to a word she's said.
A feminine MAN in the jury hand signals and mouths the words "Call Me".
Rachel snaps her fingers, bringing everyone back to reality.  She turns to the Judge.
RACHEL (cont'd)
I'd like to file a motion to have a bag placed over Dr. Banner's head for the duration of the trial. 
Judge
Denied.  Call your first witness. 
RACHEL
I call Nancy Thomas to the stand.
Nancy (the nurse from the opening scene) walks briskly to the witness box.  The Bailiff holds a Bible and she places her hand on it.
BaILIFF
Do you swear to tell the truth and all that other crap?
NANCY
I do.
BAILIFF
Then knock yourself out.
He walks away as she sits.  Rachel approaches the stand.
RACHEL
Nancy, can you tell me about your first encounter with Dr. Banner? 
RAGWEED
(stands)
Objection!  She's a bimbo your Honor.
JuDGE
(thinking)
I'll allow it as long as she doesn't say something stupid. 
RACHEL
Thank you, your Honor.
(to Nancy)
Please answer the question. 
NANCY
(tearfully)
When I first started, Dr. Banner kept flirting with me.  I caught him staring at me -- mentally undressing me with his eyes. 
RACHEL
And then what happened?
NANCY
It was a whirlwind.  Before I knew it we had sex in one of the patient rooms.
RACHEL
Isn't it true that just after your sexual escapade, he fired you.
Nancy bursts into tears.
NANCY
Yes!
RACHEL
Nothing further. 
JuDGE
(to Ragweed)
Your witness.
Ragweed stands and ambles over to Nancy. 
Ragweed
Ms. Thomas, was the sex good?
NANCY
Well...yes.
RAGWEED
I'm done.
He returns to his chair smugly.  Furious Nancy stands and rushes for Dirk.
NANCY
I'll get you Dr. Banner!  I will hunt you down and I will --
The Bailiff catches her in a rough tackle, making the entire courtroom flinch.  She's dragged out kicking and screaming, leaving deep fingernail scratches on the floor. 
Rachel glares at Dirk, who winks at her.   She shivers in ecstacy, then shakes it off.
RaCHEL
Dammit, how does he do that? 
Int. PaTIENT AREA - HOSPITAL - dAY
Polly leads Daisy back to Mitchell's bed.  Mitchell's eyes light up when he sees them. 
MiTCHELL
You guys made up!
POLLY
I was just watching her for you. 
Jajuan walks in, nervous to talk to Mitchell. 
JAJUAN
Mr. Fartnell, you almost died today.  Had it not been for Ms. Goodin here, you certainly wouldn't have made it. 
MiTCHELL
What happened to me?  It felt like I couldn't breathe. 
JAJUAN
Well, uh -- you had wool in your throat.  And since Daisy doesn't have any around her face, I can only imagine where you were kissing her. 
It takes a moment for Polly to register that, then she reels in disgust. 
POLLY
Were you born without a chromosome or something? 
MiTCHELL
It's hard for people to accept. Heck, it's hard for me to accept.  But I can't deny my wife.  After she went off that cliff in her car, I went crazy for weeks when they couldn't find the body.  It wasn't until I saw her in her new form that I knew.  I can't lose Daisy again. 
Polly immediately turns to Jajaun.
POLLY
Can you commit him? 
JAJUAN
Officially no.  As far as I can tell, the sex was consensual. 
POLLY
(in disbelief)
It's a sheep. 
JAJUAN
Hey, I'd love to help you, but my shift is up and I really don't care. 
He tosses the chart on the bed and walks out.  
DISSOLVE TO:
Ext. HOSPITAL - dAY
Polly walks Mitchell and Daisy out.  
MiTCHELL
I won't push you, but please just think about it.  Search yourself and I think you'll find that you are my son.  
POLLY
I am not Benny.  What would make you even think that?
MITCHELL
Well, you kinda look like a boy. 
Polly storms off in fit of rage.  Mitchell shrugs and walks along with Daisy.
MiTCHELL (cont'd)
C'mon baby.  Let's go home. 
Int. CouRTROOM - dAY
A television has been set up and Rachel plugs in a videotape.  Sissy is on the witness stand.  
RACHEL
Ms. Crapsworth, isn't is true that you and Dr. Banner had sexual relations just mere days ago?
SISSY
(flighty)
Well, I don't know, there are so many...
RACHEL
Sissy, focus. 
SISSY
Oh yes, at the hospital.  Yeah, he was hot. 
RACHEL
Anything else? 
SISSY
Nope, that's pretty much it.  He was hot. 
Rachel groans and pushes PLAY on the VCR.  Everyone turns their attention to the television where it shows Dirk and Sissy in the hot tub. 
The CAMERA pans around the room as the sounds of their tryst fills the room.  The audience is glued to the screen.  One Juror even eats popcorn. 
The blind Judge uses braille to watch the tape.  The pins on his board form the shape of a butt and thrust up and down. 
A moment comes on the tape where Sissy does a major SCREAM and everyone's eyes go wide.  
Ragweed leans in close to Dirk.
RagWEED
How did you do that? 
DIRK
It takes a bit of stretching.  Little yoga wouldn't hurt either. 
Rachel hangs her head in frustration as the tape ends and the lights come back on. 
The courtroom erupts in applause and Dirk gets a standing ovation.  Enraged, Rachel throws a pencil across the room, not even noticing when there's a loud YELP as it connects with an unlucky person. 
JuDGE
Ten minute recess. 
Int. Courthouse hallway - dAY
People are milling around the courtroom.  Dirk passes by a vendor selling copies of the Dirk/Sissy DVD.   He heads for the bathroom. 
Int. Bathroom - courthouse - dAY
Dirk stands at the urinal doing his business.  The remaining people finish what they are doing and exit, leaving him alone.  
He zips up, turns around and sees Rachel standing there, leaning against the wall.   She looks sexy as hell. 
RACHEL
How do you do it, Dirk?  
DIRK
I don't know.  Some things you're just born with. 
RACHEL
Well I can't hide my feelings for you anymore.  Ask me anything, and I'll do it.
DIRK
You could drop your suit.
RACHEL
Okay.
She unzips her suit and it falls around her ankles.  All we can see is her back.  Dirk gets a cocky grin. 
DIRK
I meant the LAWsuit.  But this'll work too. 
He moves in and they kiss like animals, heated and intense. 
Int. CouRTHOUSE HALLWAY - dAY
A PATRON walks up to the bathroom door and is about to go in, when he hears deep male grunting.  He turns and walks away.
Patron 
That must be some crap. 
EXT. Park - nIGHT
Polly walks around a park, looking up at the stars.  No one else is around. Polly looks like she's crying and she's screaming up to the clouds. 
POLLY 
Please! I can't do this on my own! I don't care if you're an alien!
She continues to walk through the park.
POLLY (cont'd)
You know, aliens have to pay child support too, you know?
She sits on a bench, cradling her belly. 
POLLY (cont'd)
I just wish I understood why this happened to me. 
We hear some noises come from the bushes. Jonathan approaches her.
JONATHAN
I'm glad you came.
POLLY
Why did you call me?  I don't even know you. 
JONATHAN
You know me better than you think. 
POLLY
What's that supposed to mean? 
JONATHAN
Look, I don't know how to tell you this -- but you are not having an alien baby. 
POLLY
Oh really?  Then I suppose I dreamed the whole thing up?
JONATHAN
I'm not saying that.  I'm saying you're nuts. 
POLLY
That's comforting.  So if I'm not having an alien's baby, whose baby am I having? 
JONATHAN
Mine. 
Polly stands up, starts to back away.
POLLY
No -- no, it can't be. 
JONATHAN
You were at Mike Harvey's party, almost nine months ago.  
POLLY
I remember -- that's where it happened...
JONATHAN
You went through two bottles of vodka before the guests even got there. 
POLLY
That's not right.  There's no way --
JONATHAN
You're not as squeaky clean as you'd like to think.
Polly puts her head in her hands.
POLLY
I don't remember...
JONATHAN
You went to the back bedroom.  I came back to check on you and you started kissing me.  I knew you were blitzed, so I just let it happen.
POLLY
That's not true -- it can't be true -- WAIT!  There were lights!  I remember bright lights!
JONATHAN
Yeah, sorry about that.  My friends started taking pictures for the internet. 
Stunned Polly backs away. 
JoNATHAN (cont'd)
Look, don't go.  I can help you take care of the baby.   Just let me --
POLLY
No!  NO!!
She hurries away.  Jonathan tries to follow, but loses her. 
Ext. Cliffside - nIGHT
Kenneth stands, overcoat blowing the sea wind, as the moon reflects over the ocean.  The waves crash into the jagged rocks below the cliff.  
Nearby, Auggie crouches behind a big set of rocks.  He holds a grenade.  He pulls  the pin, arming the grenade, but still holds down the safety lever.  He's about to throw it when --
Another car pulls up and Marla gets out.  She stands next to him. 
KENNETH
I'm glad you could come.  I wanted to talk to you, away from the house, away from our problems. 
MaRLA
What is it that you want?
KENNETH
To set things right.
Auggie is left holding the grenade lever, unsure of what to do.  He looks down and sees ants crawling up his legs.  He tries to shake them off.  He looks back over to Kenneth and Marla.
MARLA
I don't understand...
KENNETH
Things between us haven't been okay for a long time.  I know that. 
MARLA
Our life just isn't what I imagined it would be. 
KENNETH
It breaks my heart when you look at me with that murderous glint in your eye.  
MARLA
You noticed that?
KENNETH
Yeah.  I thought it was sort of cute at first.  
Auggie has shaken off most of the ants, but has started to sweat nervously from still holding on to a live grenade. 
He doesn't see a large crab scuttle over near his feet, which are left wide open by sandals.  It pinches his big toe and lets out a small YELL, still trying to be quiet. 
MARLA
All this time...I just thought you were too stupid to know what I was feeling. 
KENNETH
Well, actually I was.  I found your diary. 
MARLA
You read my diary?
KENNETH
Well, I had Jonathan read it to me. 
MARLA
So you know?
KENNETH
It explained why this funny looking Australian guy was following me around.   I just thought he was gay.
Auggie mouths the word,"GAY?",while still trying to shake off the crab.  He falls to his knees in pain.  Unseen, another crab latches straight on his crotch. 
The grenade is getting harder and harder to hold.  He grits his teeth at the pain and the pressure. 
Marla's eyes fill with tears.
MARLA
I've wanted you dead for so long.  It will be tough to learn to love you again, but those old feelings are starting to oome back. 
KENNETH
(surprised)
Whoa.  What?  I never said I wanted to get back together. 
MARLA
(confused)
What?  I don't understand.  
KENNETH
I thought we were on the same page.  I mean, why do you think I brought you out here? 
MARLA
What do you mean? 
KENNETH
Goodbye Marla.
He lunges forward and pushes her off the cliff.  He watches as she hurtles towards the sea.  He flinches at the big SPLASH.
KENNETH (cont'd)
Ooh, little rough on that landing. 
Auggie manages to pull the crabs off and is stunned at what he's just seen. 
AUGGIE
I don't believe he just did that!  I gotta get my camera.
He drops the grenade, fishing through his pockets.  Then he realizes what he's just done.
AUGGIE (cont'd)
Oh no...
He leaps away just as the grenade EXPLODES.  Kenneth turns to the smoke, then quickly gets in his car and drives away. 
Int. operating room - hospital - dAY
Dirk and Jajaun are washing up as nurses prepare a patient for surgery. 
JAJUAN
So I heard Rachel dropped the case against you.
DIRK
That's not all she dropped. 
JAJUAN
You sly dog.  
The Nurse hurries over to them.
NUrSE
Doctors, we've got a serious problem.  The patient is --
DIRK
Dying? 
NURSE
No, worse.  His insurance was denied.
JAJUAN
Oh my God.
DIRK
Get his ass out of here.  Use the back door. 
Both Dirk and Jajuan head for the door, taking off their gloves. 
JAJUAN
Man, what a relief!
DIRK
I know.  I had no clue how do that operations.
Int. PaTIENT FLOOR - HOSPITAL - dAY
Dirk and Jajuan step out onto the floor and both are surprised to see Maya. 
JAJUAN
Hey baby!  What are you doing here?
MayA
Just came by to get some sugar. 
Jajuan gives her a light kiss. 
MAYA (cont'd)
Hi Dr. Banner.
DIRK
Hello.  Sorry to hear about the ice cream stores closing. 
MAYA
We'll get back on our feet. 
DIRK
I'm sure you will.  After getting an F, you've got nowhere to go but up.  Excuse me.
He heads off down the hall, Maya checking out his butt the whole way.
Ext. CrAPSWORTH PLAZA - dAY
Tawny waits in the main plaza wearing a classy business suit and carrying a satchel.   A limousine pulls up and Jonathan gets out dressed sharply in a suit. 
They both put on sunglasses and walk towards the Crapsworth Building.
JoNATHAN
Are you ready for this?
TAWNY
I was born ready.
Int. Break room - hospital - dAY
Dirk relaxes, watching TV.  Maya enters and nudges up to him seductively.  
MayA
Hey baby.  There you are.
Int. bathroom - hospital - dAY
Jajuan is using the restroom, when he hears Maya.  At first, he's surprised, but then thinks she's talking to him.
INTERCUT BETWEEN BATHROOM AND BREAK ROOM
Maya rubs Dirk's shoulders. 
MayA
I've been looking all over for you. 
Inside the bathroom, Jajuan grins.
JAJUAN
Well damn baby, I ain't that hard to find. 
MAYA
Why don't you meet me that back supply closet in five minutes?
Dirk grins and nods.  
So does Jajuan.   
Maya heads out the door with Dirk following soon after.  Jajuan comes out of the bathroom with a big smile on his face.  
JAJUAN
I'm about to get lucky. 
Int. CoNFERENCE ROOM - CRAPSWORTH BUILDING - dAY
Kenneth sits next to Rachel in a roomful of board members.  He stands to address them.
KENNETH
First I want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for my wife, Marla.  God willing she'll be found to be given a proper burial -- I mean, alive and well.  Now to our next order of business, the merger of Shite' restaurants and Eate Ice Cream stores.  As it seems, a hostile takeover attempt is possible and we should -- 
The board room doors burst open.  Jonathan and Tawny march in, cool and calm.  Rachel walks over to try and stop them.
RACHEL
You two aren't allowed in here --
KENNETH
Jonathan?  What are you doing here?  And why are you with Tawny?  
JoNATHAN
Well dad, as we watched you fumble around with the merger, we decided to launch a hostile takeover of our own. 
He sets a stack of papers down on the conference table.  
TAWNY
Shite' and Eate will merge, but not like you think. 
Rachel glances through the paperwork, then raises her head, angry.
RACHEL
You didn't. 
JoNATHAN
Oh yes we did.
TaWNY
We are now board members of Tie Dye Industries and with our respective stocks now combined, we own controlling shares in both Shite' and Eate.  
Kenneth looks through the papers, then turns to Rachel.
KENNETH
Does this mean he can fire me? 
JoNATHAN
Oh yeah. 
TAWNY
But we're not heartless.  Most of you will remain on the board -- as long as you're willing to play ball.  This is a big move, but one we hope will pay off.  Jonathan?
JONATHAN
The business will have the restaurant, the ice cream stores and a clothing outlet.  Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the next generation!
Jonathan unveils a large sign.  It's a logo billboard that reads : EATE SHITE' AND DYE. 
The board room is stunned.  Kenneth rushes for Jonathan, but is stopped by the other board members. 
KENNETH
I'll squash you like a bug you little piece of Crap!
JONATHAN
Little piece of Crapsworth. 
Jonathan and Tawny hug triumphantly, then their eyes meet.  Could there be romance there? 
Int. PATIENT FLOOR - HOSPITAL - dAY
Maya walks down the hall towards the supply closet.  She begins unbuttoning her blouse as she reaches the door.  She opens it --
A moment of stunned silence as she sees Jajuan and Dirk inside, wrapped in each other's arms.  
They look just as surprised to see each other. 
JaJUAN
YOU!!
DIRK
YOU!!
Maya just shuts the door, shocked beyond belief.  
In the closet in PITCH BLACK we can only hear Dirk and Jajuan's voices. 
DIRK (cont'd)
I thought it was a little hairy.
JAJUAN
Hey!  Get that out of there!
DIRK
Sorry.
Ext. eate HOUSE - eVENING
Jajuan gets out of his car.  He's walking a little funny.  A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR waits by his door. 
JAJUAN
Did you get them?
Private investigator
(holds up envelope)
Got 'em. 
INT. office - eate house - evENING
The Private Investigator sets the envelope on Jajuan's desk. He gets out a set of pictures.
JAJUAN
What the hell is this?
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
It's pictures.
JAJUAN
Show them to me.
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
Are you sure you want to see these?
JAJUAN
(long beat)
Yes. I'm sure.
The Private Investigator shows Jajuan the pictures. He shows Jajuan pictures of Dirk having sex with Maya. Jajuan looks furious.
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR 
You know that Dirk guy sure is hot.
JAJUAN
Shut up!
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
I'm afraid that I have more to show you.
He shows Jajuan pictures of Marla and Tawny having sex.
JAJUAN
Oh, sweet Jesus, No!
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
Yeah, that's hot.
Jajuan punches the private investigator in the jaw.
Int. HOSPITAL HALL - nighT
The swinging doors BURST OPEN as Polly is wheeled down on a gurney screaming, obviously in labor.  Dirk is at the back pushing it down the hall. 
DIRK
Don't worry Penny --
PoLLY
POLLY!
DIRK
Polly, right.  You're going to be just fine.
POLLY
I don't want to have this baby without the father here!
DIRK
How do we contact him? 
POLLY
How the hell should I know?  How did E.T. do it? 
DIRK
Sorry, but I'm fresh out of Speak'n Spells.  Look it'll be okay. 
Int. Delivery room - hospital - nIGHT
Polly is wheeled next to the delivery table.  Dirk and a Nurse get on opposite ends, preparing to move her. 
DIRK
On three. 1 - 2 - 3!
They pick her up and start to move her, but the gurney slides out and they drop her on the floor.  They quickly pick her up and place her on the table. 
NuRSE
Do you need some pain medication? 
POLLY
Just give me something to write with.  Paper and pencil.
NURSE
Huh?
POLLY
IT HELPS.  Just get it!
The Nurse quickly obeys.  
INT. MITCHELL'S HOUSE - NIGHT
It's pouring rain outside.  Mitchell and Daisy are curled up, snuggling on the couch.  There's a loud KNOCK on the door.
MiTCHELL
Who could that be at this hour? 
He opens the door and is shocked to see a pretty WOMAN standing there, dripping wet from the rain.  Mitchell recognizes her!
MiTCHELL (cont'd)
Daisy?  You're alive? 
Daisy the Sheep raises up her head.
Int. HOSPITAL HALL - nIGHT
Jonathan rushes down the hallway until he gets to labor and delivery.  He's stopped by Brenda.
BreNDA
Where do you think you're going?
JoNATHAN
Polly Goodin.  I'm looking for Polly Goodin.
BRENDA
She's already in delivery. 
JONATHAN
I'm the father.
BRENDA
Well you don't look much like a martian, but okay. 
Int. DeLIVERY ROOM - HOSPITAL - nIGHT
Polly sweats and grunts during labor. She marks furiously on the paper while she does. 
DIRK
I need you to push honey. 
Polly strains and pushes as Jonathan enters dressed in scrub gear.
JoNATHAN
I'm here Polly.
POLLY
Who the hell are you? 
DIRK
It's coming!  I can see -- the head? 
He looks a little confused.
DIRK (cont'd)
They didn't look like that in the book. 
The entire room gasps at what they see. 
POLLY
What is it?  WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BABY? 
A long green hand wraps around the inside of Polly's leg.  She screams.
The CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the piece of paper that Polly was writing on.  It's full of scribbles, but in the middle it's very clear what's written.
I AM BENNY. 
GO TO BLACK SCREEN
TITLES FADE IN:
Who is the father of Polly's baby? 
Is Marla really dead?
CAN DIRK AND JAJUAN STILL BE FRIENDS AFTER HAVING GAY SEX?
Will the elder family members get their respective restaurants back? 
Will Dirk and Rachel be a couple?
Is Polly the reincarnation of Mitchell's son? 
Is Mitchell really just a sick bastard that likes to screw sheep?
CUT TO CREDITS