On the Theory of Evilution

by Kenneth Riven

(Division Two, 1999)

What never ceases to amaze me is that in this day and age, 1999, our human race stands on the eve of a new millennium, yet so many of us are still clinging to an out-dated, out-moded, ill-conceived, and downright racist "theory" that flies in the face of 2000 years of hard Christian Science - the Theory of Evolution.

The "Theory of Evolution"—or, more accurately, evilution—was first proposed by the well-known Racist Communist Nazi Satanist Babykiller Charles Darwin in the mid-1800s as a method of explaining via logic what Christians had long ago explained via faith and parable. The Theory of Evilution, as I understand it, is the theory that modern man evolved from Monkees, and modern woman evolved from elephants. The theory states that life changes through a constant process called "survival of the fittest", and thus makes an implied argument for the methodical, government-sanctioned extermination of fat people. It goes on to state that all life arose out of nothing but a puddle of goo, and hence there is no reason not to covet your neighbor's wife, because she's really just a distant cousin. That's gross.

First of all, even the most obtuse five-year-old, my son Christopher, laughs at this ridiculous "theory." He cannot believe that life could come out of a puddle of goo; he calls me "atheest doodoo head" whenever I say it. And keep in mind, this kid eats rubber cement when my wife and I are at work. I think this should tell you something about this ludicrous "theory"—if a really stupid five-year-old can't even accept it, why, then, do so many scientists even bother giving it the time of day?

It defies all logic. The Theory of Evilution and all its supporting scientific evidence has never been able to stand up to the mounds of Biblical evidence it opposes. First of all, evilution in no way explains morals. Nor does it explain churches, marriage, Noah, or the existence of fat people. It also doesn't explain how man could have evolved from Monkees in plain, simple english I can understand. Instead, it relies on conjecture, archeology, fossils, and layers of thick scientific jargon I can't find in my Christian House Dictionary.

Moreover, when you consider the hidden subtext in the theory, "Survival of the Fittest" is really just a call to whore mongering. It should actually be called "Survival of the Horniest", because the horniest people are the ones who have the most kids. Look at Irish Catholics and Mexicans; peoples legendary for indiscriminate breeding. They can't keep their pants on for more than two hours without going into an epileptic shock that is symptomatic of sex-withdrawal. I've seen it, and it is downright frightening. More Irish Catholics and Mexicans die each year from sex withdrawal than from car bombs and bad salsa combined.

But Evilution is more than just stupid, it's dangerous. It makes it seem okay for physically fit highschoolers if they want to get pregnant or get their girlfriends pregnant; after all, they're fit, so it's best for them to produce as many offspring as possible regardless of wedlock. Evilution is then, arguably, the reason our nation's teen pregnancy rate went from 90% in 1800, to a low of 12% in 1960, and is back up to 19% today. These statistics are alarming, and only serve to show how decadent our society has become since 1960 as a result of this theory.

Let us not forget history; it was Darwin's "Survival of the Fittest" mantra that led Hitler to decimate Poland during WWII. It was Darwin's "Survival of the Fittest" mantra that brought about modern anti-family sitcoms like Soap and Blossom. And it was Darwin's "Survival of the Fittest" mantra that resulted in gangs of homosexuals killing blind children in the 1970s.

The Kansas Board of Education got it right when they decided to keep the Theory of Evilution, and hence violence, out of their school systems. In its place, Creation Science will be taught, which teaches positive, family-centric values such as contempt for the godless and damnation of the different.

In my own home, I do my best to keep this mind-poisoning theory from getting to my son, Christopher. Since moving to anti-Christian Minnesota to write for division two, my wife and I have kept him out of the state's school system entirely; instead we let him learn via paper correspondence with a retired Kansas teacher and her housekeeper Enid. We don't own a television, and we have blocked division two from our home computers. Have you ever looked at the content of this site? Don't. It's sick filth.

As for what you can do in your own homes, I recommend reading all of your children's school textbooks closely and censoring out any content that you don't understand or that looks complicated enough to upset your children. Don't let your children mingle unsupervised with the opposite sex until marriage, and make a strong point of teaching them tolerance for black people and fat people; at least for the ones that don't smell.

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