Edgar responds to threats it seems. Today was supposed to be a standalone. . . guess not. But then, one never says no to Kathryn Janeway. Here is Yesterday another anniversay present but no boxes this time. I hope. Hankies optional. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yesterday (for the CPSG) by BratKatze Yesterday was a year. A year since my dream came true and the dream turned a nightmare. Perhaps nightmare is too strong a word but I learned again the lesson how easily bitterness can sour joy. For eight long years my single goal had been to get Voyager and her crew home. It was a challenge and I was never one to back away from challenges. Something about them spurs me forward. My sister used to say it's because I was small, always needing to prove myself. Perhaps. It just never occurred to me what cost would be. Naove? Possibly. I just never thought to consider what would happen to our family when we got back. For years now we have been a family. Fleet and Maquis blending together so that our differences became our strengths. And now that strength has been scattered. I expected us to stay together. But then I didn't expect to come home to war. I still maintain contact with most of the crew. These days it's uncertain at best, but I try. It's one of the few bright spots in my otherwise bureaucratic life. Eight years in the Delta Quadrant has changed us. It's harder to relate to those who were left behind. It's almost as if we slept for those eight years and awoke to a world that passed us by. There is some resentment towards Starfleet for breaking up the crew. But I know how desperate we are. How precarious Federation is. Each must go to where their talents are most needed. I don't blame Starfleet but I mourn the necessity. If we had never left the Alpha Quadrant I would not have such doubts . It's the Starfleet way after all. But those eight years made me forget who and what I was. Our return brought the memory back. I still can't get used to these Admiral stripes. It feels wrong somehow. When I look in the mirror I see a little girl playing dress up. When we left eight years ago making Admiral was a distant but desired goal. Now I am and it leaves me cold. Perhaps the price was too high. Tom and Neelix. Tom left us within a week of our return. Just before we got confirmation that the Maquis commissions I granted would be honored. I don't know how he knew his would not be. It's probably better if I don't. But rather than stay and fight he fled taking a large part of us with him. Odd, Chakotay and I fought tooth and nail over how Starfleet would treat his former crew but we never once mentioned Tom. Maybe Tom sensed he'd fall through the cracks. I was hurt and angry at first. After all we'd been through, you'd think he'd know I would do anything for him. That he would trust me to see he wasn't left out. That any of us would sacrifice anything . . . but that was the point wasn't it. He didn't feel worthy of such sacrifice. There is no one in this quadrant I want to beat and protect more than Tom Paris. I went to the Admiralty anyway, on the chance that Chakotay, Harry, B'Elanna would find him. Chakotay was devastated of course. He was so brittle for a while you'd think he'd have broken if you touched him. Tom had gotten under his skin and into his heart in a way I never could. The Admiralty wanted none of Tom. The board said his record spoke for itself: careless piloting resulting in the deaths of three officers, deceit, and of all things they held his acceptance of my offer in Auckland against him. If he turned so easily against his friends once, how could he be trusted not to do so again. Case closed. Nothing I said, no record I presented had any effect. The decision had been made long ago. I could see it in their eyes. Individually they might agree with me, but the board's decision was absolute. Final. Even if to their own ears it sounded like excuses. So I went to the source. I went to see Owen. I was greeted by his new wife, Tom's mother having died a year into our journey. Younger than me, blond, beautiful, well-bred, cool. Owen always had excellent taste. Remind me never to introduce Seven to him. The new Mrs.Paris was quite honored to see me. The famous Captain Janeway. I wasn't yet an Admiral then. She took me to see Owen. He was on leave she said. I found him in the back with two young boys about six. I took them to be his grandsons till they addressed the woman next to me as mother. I wonder if Tom's hair was that curly when he was small. Owen smiled when he saw me, but the smile never reached his eyes. It never does. "Kathryn" he greeted me. I called him Admiral. He congratulated me on my return and introduced the boys, Eugene and Owen, jr. Told them I was a famous explorer who'd served with their father and been to the far ends of the universe. I told the boys I served with another Paris by the name of Tom but Owen cut me off and sent the boys away. Away, before I could tell them about their brother. He was angry. The boys know nothing of Tom. Owen asked what I wanted. I told him I wanted to talk about Tom. His son. "I have no son named Tom", he replied" Only Eugene and Owen jr." Sometimes, just before Voyager got into something I knew we shouldnt Id feel the headache coming on. A sharp pain in my left temple. It causes me to stare fixedly straight ahead, resulting in what Voyagers crew called The Look. I felt The Look forming in spades. "Toms not the man he was Owen. Hes changed." I said Owen has his Look. Its the stuff of Toms nightmares. He looked at me but Id faced the Borg, Viidians, Species 8472, and the families of those who didnt make it home. His look did nothing to me. It was his words. "A stranger came to our door last week claiming to be my son. I told him I had two sons and they were both six years old. Then I introduced him to my wife." I could see hed enjoyed the encounter, reveled in it and the pain it must have caused Tom. I had to leave before I did something I would not regret. He called after me, "I have no idea where he went Kathryn. I didnt ask." I swear he smiled. I never told Chakotay, BElanna, or Harry the details of that conversation. I was afraid theyd do what Id wanted to. I left that bastard in his garden. It would be a cold day in hell before I ever spoke to him again. We never did find Tom. Harry and BElanna went to Marseilles but Sandrines was long closed. I cried after they told me. I like to think Tom found a refuge somewhere, but the fates seem destined to conspire against him. In my dreams I see him and Neelix as they were; before, I fear, the Alpha Quadrant broke them both. Starfleet had no use for Neelix really. For a while he was media celebrity but eventually the Delta Quadrant curiosity ceased to attract attention. As more and more of Voyagers crew was posted away from Earth, he became frailer and frailer. He was staying with Harrys parents when one morning he missed breakfast. They found him in bed, a picture of Kes in his hands and wearing one of Toms truly awful Big Daddy Hawaiian shirts. Our last link was gone. Strangely Seven took the loss worse than any of us. The strangeness of the Alpha Quadrant formed a bond between them. She buried herself in her work with BElanna. What a pair. Pulling 48 hour shifts to get past the pain. I dont know how their team keeps up with them. BElannas here in San Francisco but Harrys off with Chakotay. The marriage is in trouble. BElanna is not the most secure individual in the world and Harry really botched things with Libby. BElanna knows h he loves her but his guilt about Libby is pulling them apart. Im almost glad Mark didnt wait. Yesterday was day it all began to unravel. For some, Wildman, Tuvok, Carey it was a happy anniversary. For the rest of us . . . I spent the evening in a French bar fending off the lecherous attentions of a certain bar rat and shooting some good pool. Just me, some holograms, and a thousand memories. Sent by: BratKatze@aol.com List page at http://lonestar.texas.net/~raonaid/cpsg.html