Here's the next installment in our growing saga. This is Harry's story (hence
K) I realize Yesterday should have had a J for Janeway but it got a K for
Kathryn. Sorry for any confusion. 

All the characters except Sandrine's daughter in 'My Thomas' belong to
Paramount etc. We're just borrowing them for fun and angst. 

After this bit, I'm handing the universe to whitecrow for a while. It's in
good hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wishes
by BratKatze

I'd forgotten today was my birthday.

We've been patrolling on full alert in the fire zone for over two months now.
And quite frankly we're all wiped. The crew really needs down time but it
doesn't look like we're going to get any. 

The Dominion is pulling back from this sector to counter Romulan incursions
near the Neutral Zone. The isolated outposts in this area which remained in
Federation control after the initial Dominion sweep are in desperate need of
relief. We're here to make sure they get it.

Starfleet Medical has ordered us to provide any runners we come across with
serum for the Magellan Plague. The disease is rampant now and the runners may
be only hope of reaching the more isolated outposts. Hell, some of these
places aren't even on the charts.

The runners are a blessing and curse. Sometimes I think Chakotay wishes he
were one. They can be our eyes, ears, and hands where we can't be but the cost
is high. We're constantly coming across debris from one of their ships that
wasn't lucky enough to out run a Jem Hadar patrol. A month ago the Valiant
went to aid of two runners pinned down by Dominion forces near Rugala Prime.
It was trap. The Valiant was destroyed with all hands lost, including several
of Voyager's former crew. Bayhart and Vorik among them. 

The sixteen months since we've been back often seem twice as long as the eight
years in the Delta Quadrant. I'm tired. I need a break. I need to talk to
B'Elanna face to face. I need to hold my daughter.

Just before shift today Chakotay patched a message from Starfleet HQ to my
cabin. He must have know what was up. He had that look on his face he gets
when he's up to something. We make a good team he and I. Who would have
thought?


The transmission was B'Elanna. I'm not going to ask how she managed to get
authorization to send  a personal message out here. Probably bullied some poor
ensign. Just like she use to me.

"Happy Birthday Starfleet. You're looking well." Typical B'Elanna;
straightforward, direct.

"We're doing ok" I said.

She paused a moment, nodded. "Good." Then she bent out of view to return
holding our daughter to the screen. "Say hi to daddy sweetheart."

She's beautiful, our daughter. A mixture of our genetic patterns, improving on
both. She has her mother's eyes and the cutest little ridges. I love that. I
just wish I could hold her. She's just over a year now and I haven't been
there in eight months. Daddy to her is just a face on the screen.

I watched intently as she fidgeted and reached for the screen. 

"Well it looks like Kathryn is as good a conversationalist as her mother. Take
care . . "

"B'Elanna wait. I need to  . . ."

"I know Starfleet. But not now." B'Elanna shook her head at me.

"When B'Elanna?" 

Every time there was always something. A presentation, diagnostics, daycare. I
just wanted to shake the screen in frustration. I know that if I were there in
person, I could make her listen to me. I could make things right. Instead I
was powerless as she shook her head.

"Don't Harry. Not now. Not yet."

"I miss you." It's all I can say.

"So do I. But right now there are things I need to see to. Take care of
yourself and Chakotay. Katy send you both a kiss.  Torres out."

I rested my head against the darkened screen and tried not scream in
frustration. I don't blame her though. It's my fault.

We started to drift apart after Kathryn's birth but the problems began the day
we docked in San Francisco. On what should have been the happiest day in my
life.

We were home! After eight long year we'd made home. Through a fluke, we were
home. And looked like things were going to be all right. We'd just gotten word
that all the commissions, Maquis included would be honored. B'Elanna was then
seven months pregnant. It would have been a problem if we'd have had to make a
run for it. I was relieved. I would have gone with the Maquis despite needing
to see my parents. Everything was perfect until Tom just disappeared.

We all thought Tom had disappeared to avoid the press, the crush, and his
father. Our return was the proverbial second coming. Quite the show. The Fleet
came out to meet us and all the Admiralty brass was there to salute us when we
docked on Earth. I honestly expected Tom to turn up once we docked. I knew how
much Chakotay meant to him. Both Tom and I planned to go with the Maquis if
need be.

I didn't know about Tom's commission. Only the captain did. She kept it from
Chakotay until after we arrived on Earth. I think she was hoping it was an
oversight or that she could fix things and have it settled quickly. We'd been
so long on our own I don't think she understood she was no longer in charge.
She was just plain old Captain Janeway again. Granted she was famous but she
now had people to answer to. People who made the final decisions. People who
took her word as suggestion and not the law of the Delta Quadrant.

So we all kept waiting for Tom to turn up. Chakotay joked that Tom was afraid
of meeting the in-laws but he was scared. Scared that the return meant all
bets were off. We just never expected not to see Tom again.

And so, oblivious to the fact my world was about the come crashing down around
me, B'Elanna and I went hand in hand to find my parents in the sea of ecstatic
family gathered. I saw them first through the crowd. They looked older, more
frail.
I just wanted to run and gather them up but I didn't. We made our way slowly,
I wasnt going to let go of B'Elanna's hand.

My mother saw me first and burst into tears. She turned to smile at my father,
then to the woman who'd been standing next to them. The woman who been facing
the other direction, scanning the crowd. Libby.

I'd been so sure she'd give up hope. My parent's message said nothing about
her. There'd been no message from her. I'd let Libby go. I wasn't the same
Harry Kim who'd left those long eight years ago. 

But there she was, next to my parents her face glowing with happiness and joy.

I think the first words out of my mouth were "Shit. Libby." Followed by "I
didn't think you waited. . .  When I didn't get a message I assumed . . .I'm
married . . . If I'd have known. . ."

I really don't know what I said. I just had this desperate need to keep the
growing shadows from her face. The more I babbled the worse it got. B'Elanna
stood next to me the whole time hearing every word.

It ended with Libby curled into my mother sobbing and B'Elanna stalking away
from me. Tom might have helped. But he wasn't there. 

*Were you buddy?*

Now those words will always hang between B'Elanna and I "If I'd have known . .
."

I can't help but think that if Tom had been there things would have gone
differently. It's stupid and unfair, I know. But it's like he took our luck
with him. And I'm angry at him, angry and hurt.

Angry he decided to unilaterally cut himself out of our lives. That he didn't
trust us to be there for him. I don't want to imagine what it must have been
like for him. To know that alone of all us he was to be left out. "Cut loose".
We would have been there for him, but he didn't want us. No not Tom. He could
tough it out on his own. That damn Paris pride. He is father's son more that
he would admit.

*Are you better off now buddy? Is where you are so much better? Are you still
with us in the hell you chose?* 

I don't know when Chakotay was angrier. When he found out what Starfleet had
done or when we got news of Tom six months ago.

They say silent waters run deep. Tom had told me how passionate Chakotay could
be. That there was a cold fire that burned within him and that he was, direct
quote Hell between the sheets. I never saw it, at least not until then. When
the captain finally told us I saw the flame come to life. He raged, raged at
Janeway, at Starfleet, at Tom. 

The captain stood her ground but for a moment I was afraid for her. She'd
tried to talk to Starfleet. Been talking to them since she got word with no
use. She'd given herself two days to set things right. But she'd also given
Tom two days to go to ground and hide his tracks.

We left within the hour, Chakotay, B'Elanna, and I. There were debriefings to
be held and assessments to be made. But we didn't care. I may have said 'Fuck
Starfleet' to the captain but I'm not sure.  B'Elanna still wasn't talking to
me but it didn't matter. Tom was in trouble. We agreed to help Tom and then
deal with our problems. I think the captain would have gone with us but she
needed to be there for Neelix and Seven. There was no one waiting to greet
them with open arms. In their own way they were as lost as Tom.

We went to Marseilles first. But Sandrine's was gone. Replaced by an open air
market. We stayed there a week hoping Tom would show and showing his picture
around with no success. The more time passed the more desperate Chakotay
became. Then captain sent word Tom had been to see his father but was gone.

We didn't know where he'd go or what he'd do. Chakotay was terrified for him.
I had nightmares of Tom wandering the streets alone, friendless, hungry, prey
to all sorts of dangers. I should have known Tom would run to embrace danger
with open arms. 

We searched for a month any place we could think of before the stress became
too much and B'Elanna went into premature labor. She almost died giving birth
to Kathryn. It was after my daughter was born that we called off the search.
We would not find Tom. If he wished, he would find us.

None of us was the same after that.

The light that had been in Chakotays eyes dimmed. I watched as he became
again the Maquis commander we first met. He went to visit his family and
stayed with them while Starfleet debated his fate. He acted like didnt care
what decision was reached. Which was true. Hed been looking forward to
presenting Tom to his family and now every moment spent with them was a
reminder of what could have been.

Me? I moved back in my old room and mom made me practice my clarinet. BElanna
and the baby stayed with the captain. Mom and Libby were good friends, so it
was hard for her to accept BElanna into her life. Libby still came around
when she knew I wasnt there.

When Chakotay offered me the posting of XO on his ship I jumped at the chance.
My parents were devastated.  I could have had any ship or posting yet chose
one that would take me the furthest away. Away from them, away from Libby,
away from BElanna, and from questions I dont want to answer.

There are days I wish we never found that worm hole. That we were still in the
Delta Quadrant. Together as a family. Shooting holographic pool and eating
Leola root. Its true, be careful what you wish for cause you dont know what
you got till its gone.


 Sent by:  BratKatze@aol.com
 List page at http://lonestar.texas.net/~raonaid/cpsg.html