Who ever returned Edgar - thank you. The dark muse is back. Or maybe it's just that I'm having a BAD week . Anyway in the honor of the Anniversary theme, a little gift for the list. Over 500 words though (1010 to be exact). I was planning on catching up on feedback - I'm backlogged on all the wonderful stories since April but . . . the voice in my head would not be silenced. ****************************************************************************** ****************** Today by BratKatze Today is a year. A year since we returned. A year since Kathryn kept her promise and got Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant. A year since my life had meaning. Our return was all some of us had hoped for, wished for, dreamed. For most it was better than expected. For some worse. For me, it was exactly what I expected. The Federation we returned to is at war. A bitter, cruel war, that its losing badly. Everyone is needed for the effort. All is forgiven. Well almost. Kathryn was prepared to argue for clemency for the Maquis. Ready to use every weapon in her considerable personal arsenal against Starfleet. She didnt think shes need to. She thought Starfleet would see reason. Chakotay on the other hand, was equally convinced Starfleet had not changed its polices. As Kathryn was preparing for debriefing, he was preparing the Maquis to flee Voyager. As was so often the case in our travels, she was right. The Voyager crew, Fleet and Maquis alike, were greeted with open arms, like conquering heroes. She didnt say I told you so. She never did. She just flashed that Janeway grin. We had survived the worst the Delta Quadrant had to offer. Wed bested the Borg. Surely we could turn some miracle here. Voyagers return was seen as a sign of hope. Hope against the Dominion. Hope for the future. Within 72 hours the high command had made its decision. All the field commissions and promotions given by Kathryn Janeway were to be recognized. And, after a suitable debriefing and layover Voyagers crew would report to their new assignments. Fights among senior captains broke out over who would be assigned some of Voyagers crew. We had tactical experience no one in the Alpha Quadrant could match. Everyone was wanted. Almost. There was one commission not honored. Mine. When I signed on to hunt down my fellow Maquis in the badlands my reward, as Kathryn elegantly put it, was to be "cut loose". Starfleet was true to its word. In return for my service to Voyager I was freed from any obligation to Starfleet and Starfleet freed from me. Thank you Mr. Paris, but youre not the sort of person we want serving in our illustrious organization, even if we are on the brink of annihilation. Even if the Dominion is using our ships as target practice. Even if the flight crew of half our ships should be flying training sims rather than seeing active combat. Even if you have no place else to go. What did Kathryn and Chakotay say to this? I dont know. It took the Admiralty 72 hours to decide our fate but the final decision was not communicated for another 12. In the interim Chakotay had the Maquis packing their bags while Kathryn drafted petitions. He didnt trust Starfleet to decide in the crews best interest and she felt Starfleet had everyones best interest in mind. I knew Starfleet had only its own interest at heart. I told Chakotay not to worry, that I would check things out. I still had some old Paris tricks up my sleeve. Hacking into the Admiraltys database was a cinch. Id been able to do it since I was eight. You would think theyd have changed the protocols. Thats where I found the files. I read all the transcripts and the decisions. I hope they corrected the file titled Lt. Nine. So I went to Chakotay. I put my hands on his shoulder and caressed the tense knots. Then I kissed him and told him his people would be all right. No one was going to prison. The Maquis field commissions would be honored. A sin of omission? I sent him to calm the Maquis, then packed my things and left. It was the last time I saw him. Why? I dont know. I knew it was a lost battle. They all had such bright futures ahead of them. I didnt want them to ruin it for my sake. They all had their problems too. Harry newly married to BElanna with a baby on the way and a Libby who waited, ready to greet him. Neelix more lost than he ever dreamed. The Doctor facing having his program destructured and analyzed. Chakotay to be offered his own command. No, I couldnt let them fight for me. Maybe I was afraid they wouldnt. Perhaps deep down inside I was afraid theyd cut me loose too. That no one would stand for me. So I ran. I ran from a truth Ill never know because I never gave them the chance. You would think after all wed been through and to each other Id be stronger. But Im not. Murderer, Liar, Traitor, Coward. Maybe Starfleet was right not to want me. So here I am a year later, gazing up at the stars wondering. No regrets. Not really. I know I did the right thing or so I tell myself, but I miss them. I follow their exploits on the news. Kathryn made Admiral. BElanna and Seven are developing new engine modifications for our long range fighters. Harry is Chakotays second on the most decorated ship in the fleet. And I am leaving tomorrow. Its been a year since Ive flown a ship, any ship. At first it was because no one would hire me as a pilot, later it was the drink. But Im clean now and have been for two months. I can still be the Tom Paris who piloted Voyager and won her captains respect and XOs love. Im leaving for the border where the worst of the fighting is. I still remember how to pilot a shuttle and how to use a medical tricorder. If need be I can make stew. Theres work to be done in the refugee camps. But most have too much to lose to face the disease, privation, and danger. I have nothing. And if it happens that Chakotays ship is stationed in the sector, I tell myself its only coincidence. Sent by: BratKatze@aol.com List page at http://lonestar.texas.net/~raonaid/cpsg.html