This has started to take on a life of it's own. 

Following is the third in what is evolving into a series which started with
Today and Yesterday. For all those looking for happy endings and rainbows
Warning. Things are getting worse. And I've corrupted Whitecrow as well, who
has written a wonderful narrative continuation set in this universe. (Which
will be posted when the time is right - soon don't worry) Part of what follows
is a direct result of her ideas.

Without further adieu:

My Thomas
by BratKatze

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Thomas is leaving today. I will miss him. Perhaps more than I should. But
it is good he leaves.

I remember the night he first came to us. About ten months ago. I received a
call from Jacques, the Prefect, that a drunken stranger was wandering the
street near the market. He did not know the man but suspected it was an old
bar fly of maman's. It's been over three years and still they turn up.  Should
he lock him away or would I tend to it?

I woke Henri, who is a dear to put up with me, and went to see. It was not
difficult to find him. He was huddled in a corner where the door used to be,
shivering with cold and looking so lost even Henri was moved.

The light from the lamps fell across the stranger's features and I nodded to
Henri. I knew this man. I could never forget my Thomas. Maman's favorite and
the first man/boy I fell in love with.

I went to him and laid my hand on his cold cheek. It was damp. Tears?

His eyes flew open, even in the dimness I could see they were as beautiful as
I remembered. He smiled and said my maman's name like a prayer "Sandrine".

I think I do not look much like my mother. Henri says it is the eyes.

I let Henri gather Tommy up. He is strong my husband and we took Tommy home.

I do not know what brought him to us and later took him away. Henri says
Thomas was chasing. But chasing what or whom I do not know. I never ask. If
they wish to tell me so be it. If not, we are all allowed our secrets.

When Thomas left I was not sure he'd be back. It was maman who drew him here,
not me. Some come back, some do not. Some like Guy, whom Thomas persists in
calling Gary, never leave. Henri is good to indulge me with this.

Of course Henri and Guy will stay up all night sampling wine and telling lies
about their conquests or play boule when the grapes need harvesting.

Some ask why I do this.  These men were my fathers, uncles, brothers, and
protectors when I was a child. They are my family. And Tommy?  Tommy was my
first love and my first adult kiss.

He was back six months later.

I do not know where he went. But when he returned he was changed. He was hurt.
A deep hurt in the body and spirit, one could feel pain just looking at him.
There were new vicious scars on his body and on his soul.

He'd shy away from loud noises and sudden touches. A night, sometimes he would
scream.

He haunted my house like a beaten thing for a month before that day in the
garden. I'd been looking for him to help in pressing the wine but he'd
disappeared. It was a habit with him. Often I would not see him all day after
breakfast.

I found him the garden with an apple he been planning to core at the floor by
his feet. The knife he would have used, he was studying intently. The anguish
on his face was terrifying. I thought for a moment he would pull it across his
wrists.

I watched silently as he battled with himself. In the end the knife slipped
from his fingers to fall near the apple and slowly he sank to the ground.

It was as if a damn had burst loose. I went to him and held him as he rocked
the tight ball his body had become. Tears fell on my shirt like rain while he
mumbled words I did not understand and called me my maman's name.

When the storm abated and he lay weak in my arms he apologized.

"Pas de quoi, cheri." I smiled. "Tell me what is wrong Thomas. What has
brought you to this."

He tried not to answer me. Tried to pull himself together. But I am my
mother's daughter and in the end he showed me his soul.

He spoke of a love, strong and true. Of the man to whom he'd given his heart.
A brave, wonderful, caring man who I think Thomas never quite felt he
deserved.

He loved this Chakotay so completely that he felt the loss of that love would
destroy him. And that loss was inevitable. So when the test came, as it always
does, Tommy ran to preserve an illusion rather than know the truth. Taking the
choice away from his lover and possibly destroying them both.

At the time he felt he was doing the right thing, the only thing. But now he
knows how insufficient illusions can be. He can never go back nor can he move
forward. He damns himself as a coward. And as I held him I damned those who
taught him that he needed to be perfect to be loved. That any weakness or
failing meant he was unworthy and needed to be punished.

Then he spoke quietly of the other things. Of things done by him and to him
after he left us.  Of dark, horrible, and painful things that left him
screaming in the middle of the night and fearful of shadows.

He'd tried to lose himself in misery, as if to punish himself. And when he
failed at that, he sought out others to mete out the punishment to him. But in
the end he ran and in saving himself only damned himself more in his eyes.

It was worse this time he said. Worse than ten years ago when he first came to
my mother. He'd come so far and had so much more to lose now. He understood
completely what he'd thrown away. What he would never have again. The only one
to blame was himself.

I could have argued that but he would not have listened. So we talked about
another punishment. An atonement that would mean something. And, I hope, lead
to a redemption from this abyss he's fallen into. 

More than most, my Thomas needs meaning to his life. I think his Chakotay give
him that with his love, honor, and convictions. Now Tommy is lost and must
find it for himself. 

And so I send him into a place of danger, but certainly no less dangerous than
where he has been.  I wish him only well and I hope that someday he will
return to us, Henri, Guy, and me. No matter what happens there will always be
a place here and in my heart for my maman's little bird.


 Sent by:  BratKatze@aol.com
 List page at http://lonestar.texas.net/~raonaid/cpsg.html