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Joe Bill (c)2/17/2001
God must have a pretty busy schedule with creating universes and all, so it would only be reasonable to assume that God can�t answer EVERY prayer all the time. After all, there is work to be done. The only logical conclusion would be for God to have an answering machine.
Picture this: God has been out fighting the forces of evil, and had one heck of time in Andromeda trying to get those silicon-based life forms to acknowledge him. God is going to be pretty wasted. All of his energy was devoted to taking care of those obstinate silicon-based mules. After he comes in from a hard day, I would think God�s inner monologue and messages would sound something like this:
God: Well, I guess I should go check my messages. Let�s see what we have got.
Message: God, hey God, are you there? Come on pick up. I really need to talk to you. Crap. Beep!
God: Doesn�t everyone?
Message: God, my son is dying of cancer, would you please save him? Beep!
God: What do I look like? Like I am made of miracles? I put cancer on the earth, why would I want to get rid of it?
Message: Allah, I�oh, wrong number. (dial tone) Beep!
God: That Allah is getting a lot of attention lately�
Message: God, this is Zeus, you never return my calls anymore. I wouldn�t mind having people worshipping me..(static) Beep!
God: Sorry Zeus, you went out of style, people just don�t really need you anymore. Besides, I am the one God.
Message: Is Mike there? Mike Crotch?(laughter)
God: Damn kids.
Message: God, I just pray that Ben Cartwright will be delivered from hell. (random prayer from Yahoo Chat) Beep!
God: Sorry, there is absolutely no chance of that.
Message: I just wanted to say that I don�t believe in you anymore. So there. (beep)
God: The crap you have to put up with. Where is my hell list?
Message: God, I just pray that my cake will turn out okay, not flat like last time, and juicy and moist. Beep!
God: Do I look like Sarah Lee? I don�t do cakes. I don�t do brownies.
Message: God, I need help determining my sexuality. Beep!
God: Whoops, yeah, I forgot about that genetic weirdness. Oh well, you win some you lose some.
Message: Remember me? Prince of darkness? You SUCK! Beep!
God: I knew he was going to say that.
Message: God, I was just hoping you would reveal yourself to me. Beep!
God: Why do you have to be so perverted? Go get a copy of Playboy or something. They do revealing.
Message: Uh, Dad, can I borrow the car keys? Beep!
God: I always give and give with that boy, but I did take his life. I guess I owe him this one.
Message: God, I really praise your name. Beep!
God: That is more like it, where is my heaven list?
Message: God, I feel like my son is possessed (high pitch fast forward.)
God: I am not even going there.
Message: God, thank you for this food, amen. Beep!
God: Same ole same ole.
Message: God, you have to punish sin. Beep!
God: I am God, I don�t have to do jack squat.
Message: No more new messages.
God: Thank heavens, and I mean that, because I made them.
(God dials out to Satan)
Satan�s Machine: (tormented screaming in background) Hey, you have reached hell, sorry, I am probably out spreading evil. Please leave a message after the tone. Beep!
God: You SUUUUUUUUCK!
And that is how it happens.
Joe Bill
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