Click here to go back to Joe Bill's page.
Joe Bill �February 4, 2001
The other day, I completed an activity that had surprisingly shocking experience. I flushed the commode. Indeed, this doesn�t sound like a shocking experience, it sounds rather mundane. However, let me say that it was perhaps the most exhilarating, terrifying experience I have ever had.
Remember back when you were much younger, and you discovered the toilet flushed and water went down a small hole? Remember the novelty of that? We used to run in the bathroom and actually try to go so that we could somehow earn the right to flush the toilet. Flushing the toilet on its own wasn�t simply good enough. Well, I had forgotten about the utter fulfillment this activity provided, until a recent fateful day�
It all started innocently enough. I went into the restroom and observed that the Tidy Bowl cleaner that typically was a blue color, had turned the bowl black. I used my advanced reasoning skills to deduce that this toilet might be remedied if I were to flush it, so as to return the nice normal blue tint that usually accompanied it. This was the beginning of the end. I went over to the handle daringly, and pushed on it. The toilet began to flush. There was a catch though. The toilet was a new �low capacity� toilet. One would think that the toilet would still flush the same, but nothing could be further from the truth. As it began to flush, it made demonic sounds accompanied by that familiar wooshing sound. It was at the beginning of the woosh that I suddenly felt something�something that I never like to feel while flushing a toilet. It was water. The toilet was literally vomiting up water at me as it flushed. I wasn�t really sure how to address this problem, so I just stood there and took it like a man. Although somewhat wet, I indeed had weathered the storm that flushing had provided. I thought that perhaps this watering was a fluke, so I flushed it again. Again, it spewed forth water all over me, much to my dismay. Just to be scientific, I made a third replication of flushing this infernal toilet. I hit the handle a bit more hesitantly and waited. Again it spewed water forth, but luckily I dodged the majority of the tidal wave. It was like Hawaii-five-O in my bathroom. Everything was wet, with toilet water, including me.
Obviously, my toilet had a problem. There aren�t any AA clubs for toilets, so I began to formulate a strategy in my mind. The next time I was about to flush this demented toilet, I would spring in the opposite direction as to avoid any sort of unwanted bath.
So, armed with my new strategy, I decided to brave the bathroom again. I went in, and stared at the handle. I had a can of Lysol, and I let it know I wasn�t going to be playing any more games. The least I could do was disinfect this bad boy. It stared at me, and I stared at it. Its ceramic base glinted light into my eyes, probably some sort of diversionary tactic. I approached the handle, and the toilet didn�t yield any ground. I pressed the handle, and ran out of the bathroom. The evidence was on the walls when I came back in, it had missed me but gotten the bathroom. I had one the battle, but not the war. I could see that this toilet was going to be a problem in my life from there on out.
I finally resolved that if this toilet was going to be in my life, I needed to make amends with it. I offered it the best in toilet bowl cleaners, and used soft brushes to clean under its rim. We had a mutual respect for one another, I flushed and ran, and it kept the bathroom a little less wet. I thought my problems were at an end.
I took a trip to the local department store restroom the other day. I always feel somewhat apprehensive touching anything in these restrooms, but I decided that the toilet should be flushed. Apparently, this toilet had talked to my toilet. When I flushed it, it gave the restroom stall a bath along with me. There must be some sort of toilet coalition against us good natured folk. Where does it stem from? Well, I chased these low capacity toilets down to their beginnings and found that the environmentalists were to blame. The decided to use less water and use more force to flush these decadent toilets.
Please! Oh please, write your Congressman or local authority so that we can stop the debauchery of these offending toilets. They are strong, but remember, we are stronger. Be cautious when you go into the restroom, look them in the eye, stare them down, but always be prepared to jump out of the way. Be thankful for each and every day you have, for you never know when one of these foes may end your existence as a sanitary human being. United, we can bring an end to this tyranny!
Joe Bill
Go to the message board!
Click here to go back to Joe Bill's page.
