And so..yet another door closes on another chapter of his life..but no..it cannot be..the light shines through. This chapter only lies dormant, the door cracked..yes, yes it is..maybe only enough for him to glimpse the light from the inside, yet enough for someone on the outside to look in and see. He will move on, proceed to another chapter, but always with a watchful eye on the one remaining unclosed door..never losing hope..never letting go..
Umm..yeah..it went something like that. Maybe it was a little more tense..but that's the basic gist of the outcome. Anyway..enough about that..
I'm just tired now..the lack of sleep in the past few weeks has been catching up to me..just like the lack of food has..except that I can make myself eat. It's a little harder to make myself sleep. I hurt too..my arms and chest are killing me..I got the bright idea to go lifting the other day..ouch. I haven't touched weights since high school..ouch..heating pad..pain killers..help me!!
2 decisions I made tonight..1- no more guns..2-no more dam. I think we all know what I mean..
5/27/2005 - It's amazing the things that I'm learning about myself. Taking all that's been going on as a chance to simply evaluate who I am..whew..definitely not where I want to be as a person. Am I headed where I want to go as far as my future is concerned? O yeah..good school, good plan to make it..but not with the attitude or character that I'd like to carry with me. I met with my dad and pastors today as part of a book study that we have been doing and by actually applying what we discussed to my life..and some other simple lessons that I've noticed through the past week..it just amazes me. Simple things like how to cherish a gift that is given to you. The fact that novelty over something isn't just associated with new things..novelty doesn't disappear of fade away in time..the ability to notice it is what we lose. I'm realizing these at a most inopportune time..but they are important nonetheless..
5/23/2005 - I hit an armadillo tonight..and almost hit an opossum a few minutes before that. The armadillo just made a big thump as it passed under my tires..I didn't mean to hit it. It was kinda cool, though. I just thought that was fairly noteworthy..
5/22/2005 - It's over. Everyone has let me know how much they want to be there for me through this..and after my trip to the dam last night, it's time to just let go and give it up. What will be will be..what happens happens. Do I still hurt? Yes. Do I still wonder why? Yes. But, I'm realizing that this is completely out of my hands and nothing I say or do to myself is going to change that..I will only hurt more and hurt other people in the process. Once again..I wish her the absolute best of luck in all that is to come for her. I hope that everything turns out well for her. "This too shall pass"..it is well with my soul..
5/21/05 - (2) The concert was pretty bad..and of course I'm thinking again. I went down to the dam after I dropped Ron off at my parents' house, trying to get some thoughts out..but still, here I sit to vent. As I think about starting college and getting ready for the next 10 years of my life (most completely devoted to the navy), the accomplishment doesn't seem to mean as much anymore. The 1 person who I knew was pushing and cheering for me the entire time isn't there anymore..I can't feel her watching for me to make it like she used to be..I can't hear her encouragement to cheer me on..it's empty..
(1) Finally got a good night's sleep..at least I feel somewhat rested now. I've been listening to Simple Plan's new album..specifically Everytime. It reminds me of, a little under a year ago while I was still in Mass., when we took a trip to Groton and Mystic, CT. Definitely my favorite memory..I just felt so complete..so free..everything that was going on inside me was gone for an entire day..and all I had was her to take care of. Just walking around..being together..it was perfect.
Tonight..troubles are gone for a little while..All American Rejects in Oklahoma City..
5/20/05 - Well then..why not make this into a journal of sorts? Since I'm lazy and don't feel like signing up for an actual journal site. Either that or I'm just crazy enough to put some work into this and try to have at least a little fun.
The more this whole thing goes on, the more I realize how much it sucks and how hard it really is. I'm pushing myself to let go, but I can't. The more I try to talk about it and end up thinking about it, the more I want to just..end it, I guess. I feel hopeless..nothing I say or do can make the pain go away. I know that talking to her isn't going to do a whole lot of good because she's made her mind up, but I can't help but send her message saying I need to talk..it just seems so wierd and empty not having her here like we were to talk to. I can't just say it's over..I'm not ready..she was taken away..it's not fair..we had so much more to be..I'd do anything just to get her back..yes, I'd take her back..
5/18/05 - I just lost someone very dear to me...in the most unexpected fashion..no one could see this one coming. She was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I don't know what happened or why it turned out this way. All I can wish is that I had one more chance to do it all over again...and make it right. She was everything to me...and now she's gone..I had to fight and then let go..but I'd do anything to get her back again. Good luck to you in all you do..you know how much I care..
The past year has been hard on me..not that I'm one for wanting the sympathy. Many things have happened that have made me upset..angry..made it hard to deal anymore. I'm sick of hurting..and I'm sick of waking up every morning to find more pain waiting. When things finally start going well and I make some progress..there's another bombshell dropped on me. I just don't get it..maybe by putting this page together, someone might understand better about what's going on than if they had me blubbering all over them about it..like I'm doing right here..