I rolled out of bed rather unceremoniously, recounting last night's events. Oh man... I opened my closet to grab a yellow terrycloth robe.
"Morning," Nigel said, opening his eyes, and shielding his eyes from the sunlight I had just let into the room by opening the curtains.
I sighed deeply, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Then I buried my head in my hands.
He was up in a start. "What's wrong, Angel?"
"Nigel," I said between sobs, "how can I look Nick in the eye ever again?" Now it was his turn to get defensive. "Wait a minute...Angel, I thought you wanted this. I thought you wanted...me..."
Upset, he turned away from me. "Nigel..." I said regretfully. "I do. I mean, I did. I never wanted to come between you and Nick. You guys are like brothers...I always wished I had someone like that in my life. You two - you look out for each other. You have a bond that can't be broken."
Nigel sighed, smiling at me. "You're right. I don't want to admit it but you're right. And although I've had these feelings for you - I know I would never cross Nick. And I realize...you're right. All these years, I've thought of you as a sister. I shouldn't have acted on lust..."
He reached out for me. "It's for the best," I sniffled. "Right?"
"Right." On that note we promised each other never to reveal to Nick what had happened.
When Nick returned, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Oh god if Nick ever found out...
"Did you miss me?" Nick said over the phone.
"Of course I did, love," I replied, crossing my fingers. "I think the boys missed you too. They were all ready to get back to the Rum Runner and practice with you."
"Yeah, I know. Hope you kept yourself busy while I was gone. Nigel too."
I gulped. You have no idea... Immediately my palms started sweating as I worried that we would be found out. A couple days after getting back from Blackpool, we all headed to the Rum Runner as Duran Duran had to go back to practicing with its synthesist. I didn't talk much, and me and Nigel (with everyone calling him John to get used to it) avoided all eye contact. When our eyes did, they didn't lie.
I was the cowardly lion. I couldn't deal with it anymore. Feeling that it was better to break it off before he found out and I'd broken his heart - I thought I was doing the bigger thing by breaking it off with him. I phoned him one night, right before he would come by and pick me up so we could go down to the Rum Runner, a Saturday night. Then I did the worst possible thing. I lied through my teeth. "Nick, I have to tell you something, and I don't think you're gonna like it," I said to him.
"Angel, what is it?"
The night before I had practicing the conversation in my head. There had to be a way, a reason why I had to "stop" going to the Rum Runner. There had to be a reason. I couldn't be in a place where Nigel *and* Nick were. My facial expressions would give me away. And I kept replaying in my mind the way Nick would have reacted if he'd find out about the betrayal. "My parents told me that I'm not to go to the Rum Runner anymore."
"What? Why? Why would they do something like that? Did I say something amiss to them?"
It wasn't him at all. If anything, my mum was in particular grateful that I had made such a good friend, with them being gone a lot of the time. "No no, it's not you," I replied hastily, "it's me. My grades have been dropping..."
That was a blatant lie. I was a good writer and got nothing but As on all my papers at university. But he didn't know that, because as soon as he was done passing his A levels he hadn't gone on to university. "But Angel honey, is there anything I can do? To talk to them or something?"
"No Nick, it's just my problem. I can handle it. You guys don't need me around." I started to cry a little. I had wished so much for the two of us. But in my own cowardice I couldn't even confide in him. For his sake, and for mine - I didn't want to say anything.
"But..."
"Nick, please don't make this any harder than it has to be." And with that, I stopped seeing him, I stopped going to the Rum Runner, the place that had brought me so much joy. Duran Duran had so much potential. And I knew I was going to lose them to the rest of the world someday, when they'd conquered it. The last thing they needed was their synth player to have a nervous breakdown because his girlfriend had played around with his best friend the bass player.
Regretfully I thought about Nick all the time. I would play my music box before going to sleep every night, trying to remember the Nicholas Bates that I met on that sunny day back when I was 10, when I thought my life was over.
My life had just begun.
I lost contact with him and the band after that. I think Nick thought he was the reason my parents "forbid" me to go to the Rum Runner, when in all actuality it was me having no courage to tell him what had happened with me and Nigel. Though it killed me not to be with him, I knew I couldn't go through with telling Nick all that had happened. Because it would have broken his heart. I think I probably did the right thing in the long-run. A couple months later I met a boy named Paul Akers at university, who became my husband.
I broke *my* heart when Nigel phoned me one day and said that Nick had a new girlfriend, this girl at our school, Annabel. I cried knowing that the two of them had been spending a lot of time together at school, and I was left with nothing. But I knew I had made everything complicated by being crazy and cowardly.
"Nick still misses you," Nigel said over the phone. "Although he's with Annabel, he wants to be with you. He still doesn't get what made your parents all ballistic 'bout the Rum Runner. He thinks it's something he did."
"No, it was something *we* did," I said sadly. "You never did tell him, did you?"
"No," Nigel responded resolutely. "I told you that I'd swear to never tell. Besides, I thought it was something you should tell him." "What? Oh no..."
"Yeah, and I thought right now would be the right time to tell him. We're leaving for the States next week."
"The States? For a tour? What? When?"
"Yes, for a club tour. To get some much needed exposure," he explained. "And I think you should really talk to him before we leave."
So the day before they were set to leave for the U.S., I bundled up all my courage and went over to his house. His mom answered the door, surprised to see me. "Oh, hello Angel. You haven't been to the house in ages. How are you, dear?"
"Fine thanks. Is Nick home? I really need to talk to him."
"Yes dear, he's up in his room, packing. For that infernal trip to the States," she said, gesturing upstairs.
I had to square things off with him. It might be the last time I would talk to him.
"Nick?"
"Yeah?" he answered, muffled behind a suitcase. "Angel? Is that you?"
I was shocked to see my former boyfriend's head of hair now a bright shade of orange!
"Nick, what did you do to your hair?" I said, laughing. "It's..."
"Mango, thank you very much," he said, half-smiling. "What are you doing here?"
"I think we need to talk," I said, sitting down on his bed.
He sighed as he folded up a plaid shirt. "Nigel told you that we were leaving tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah. But I wanted to see you before you went."
"So...what's up?" he said, piling some more shirts into his case.
"I've missed you. I'm glad you found a new girl."
"Oh, Annabel? She's not really my girlfriend, she just agreed to take pictures of the band. Mike and Paul wanted a photographer, so she got the job."
"Oh..." That made me feel even worse. Now it made me telling Nick what deceitful things I'd done to him even worse in my mind. "Nick, I need to tell you something, and I don't think you're gonna like it. I think you're going to hate me..."
"Why would I hate you, Angel? When I said I loved you...I meant it. My world crashed when your parents said you couldn't see me...see us...anymore. I never recovered fully from it. I am so thankful for this band, if it hadn't been for them, I would have completely fallen apart." I started to cry. He had meant so much to me, and I had been his world. "Nick..." He stepped to my side, and held me in his arms like he used to. "I don't want you to leave. But I've been awful to you..."
"Shhhhh," he said softly in my ear. "How have you been awful to me? You've always been my perfect, sweet Angel. I must have done something that got your parents on my case..."
"No," I said, sobbing. "You don't understand...something happened when you were in Blackpool with your parents. Something terrible."
"I think I have an idea of what happened..." he said slowly.
"You do?" I started to cry, when I came to the realization that *he* had come to the same realization. "Remember when we had that talk on your 16th birthday? When I said I loved you - I meant it. And whatever happened, I don't want to hear about it. I don't want it to ruin this moment. I'm going to miss you so much."
I lost it, my body wracked with sobs. I had done the unthinkable and he was showering me with unconditional love. I was so sorry for breaking his trust. Yet he had found to forgive me for *anything.* "I'm going to miss you too," I sighed deeply. "I love you Nick."
He kissed me for a final time. "I always knew that my first girlfriend was bound to be special."
"Come look me up when you guys become famous, promise me that." I knew I'd probably never see him again. Shortly after Duran Duran took off, and knowing he was the hard worker I knew him to be, I knew he had deserved it. I wished only the best for him and the other guys. They'd earned it.
It was his turn now, as tears ran from his eyes. "You'll always be my Angel, my belle from Brum. Never change."