If one had never known exactly what time I do go to sleep, one would think that nine o'clock, PM, would be late for me. But it isn't. You know what I do then? I simply sit, and think. Sometimes about good things, and sometimes - most of the time - about bad things. Why bad things?

You know I have nothing. And neither do you. The only difference is, you are blind. You worry about the things that everyone says don't matter. You worry about the impression you put on people, and you infact are worried about what you look like.. what with your little "problem." You think we don't know? We do. But maybe you do know, and you're just in denial. How amusing. Ha ha ha.

..but you are so beautiful, regardless of what you think.

But anyway, I am completely off tangent when I speak of you. Now, back to why I have absolutely no reason to go on..

Yes, we have a band. We make money, and lots of it. I have my dog, who is one of the most precious things in the world to me.. but still, even she cannot mean enough to keep me from coming back to thoughts of things.. negative things, things I should never think. Thinks everyone, including myself, let me assure you, know are bad.

That's right, I am suicidal.

Shocking? To you, maybe.. but to me, no. Never. It has been in my mind since a child, since I've even known what the word 'suicide' meant. And I've always considered it, because I simply can't handle life. Pathetic, yes, but sometimes I just cannot bare to carry all this weight.

And what weight, exactly, do I carry? I have to take care of the dog, her newborn puppies now. I have to get food for myself. I have to make sure my living area is clean. I have to do good things for the band. Sometimes, it is so repetitive I think I shall lose it right then and there, and sometimes these sorts of things bring me so much happiness I start to shake and shudder, and it makes me feel as if I am going to pass out.

Do you know why I am so blank? Do you know why my face is always in a pout? No, you really don't understand my logic. But I shall be as blunt as possible with you - I am, otherwise, aren't I? At least when I speak what few words I do - the thing is, extreme emotions (and I feel those too often if I let myself go) make me want to die. Yes, I 'ain't afraid to die.'

Sadness. Yes, even when I am happy.. I think about ending it all, because it gives me so much strange feeling and I can't handle that, "I'm cornered and there's no way to escape" feeling, nor the "I am so happy now I think I shall burst" one. I just can't, and that's the way it is. Why am I telling you now?

I'm not. You're not inside my head - these are my thoughts alone, and that is all. But still, I sit here on my bed, stroking my precious puppy Miyu as she dozes off in my lap, and I think about all this as if I were directing it towards you, as if we could actually speak through our minds. But of course, that is not possible.

We could never connect, could we? No, it just.. won't work. You, you are the one people love. You are smart, and you do the talking. You manage things for us, and you can keep us all together when the going gets tough, and even you, the partier and the fun loving one, you still can control us when times are good, making sure we don't do anything stupid in our blind bliss.

And through all of these words, I can still safely say.. I have nothing.

Why? I don't have you. Do you know what I think about you? Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you:

A world without you is a world not worth living in.

Maybe that's why I'm still here.. because you are.

~

And now I'm walking down the hall. Heh. I don't usually wander around this late, and actually, I don't really wander much at all. When people know I'm serious, they leave me alone because they also know I don't want to be bothered. At all. Unless they want scary results. Although, most of the time I am not serious.. Why? Because I don't like thinking of the bad things.

You know, I do it though. I can have time to think, like this, sort of, I guess, and my mind wanders to the bad things.

I am so ugly.

You know it, and I know it.. we both probably agree, but you would shake your head and deny it, because you're trying to be nice or something like that. But please, don't lie to me. I don't like liars, and neither do you. So.. please stop. Why do you comment me, anyway? Sometimes, you will say, "you look pretty so get out there." And even though it's mumbled, and even though it may sound tough sometimes, I think of it as a compliment. White lie.

But tonight I can't let that get in the way. Tonight I have to contradict all my beliefs because I really need to tell you.. something, at least.. Tonight I want to be beautiful - no, handsome.. beautiful would fit you, although - for you. Just for you, even though you probably don't care. That's why I'm in this hall, walking up and down it like some uneasy animal.. I am, infact.

I need to gather up strength to knock on your door.

But then again, what would I tell you?

I could not come flat out, and say, "I am in absolute love with you and I wish I could take you and be with you and make you see stars," and all of that sort of thing. One, you probably could never love me.. much less even like me back. You're blank, we all know that. I know you have emotions, somewhere deep down, though.. and maybe, even if it seems as if there's no light in the tunnel in this situation, I would like to make you feel things again.

At least for me.

Am I making sense anymore? I am half asleep, and probably babbling nothing but gibberish, but that's all right, I suppose.. you don't hear it, so you can't look at me in that funny way that you do when you're annoyed or just plain weirded out. I like that about you, I guess, because it's the only time when I can actually see your face to something besides look pouty - thought I must agree, that is absolutely lovely as well - or blank.

I want to be handsome for you, and I want to make you feel.

Finally, I stop my pacing and stop infront of your door. I adjust my shirt, even if it isn't buttoned up and my chest is showing, I want to look.. appealing, perhaps. I don't think I really do, but it has to do for now, I guess. ..And then I just sort of stare blankly, like you always seem to do, and stare at that door..

After a long while, my hand hesitantly, shaking, rises to meet the wood, and I rest my knuckles against it gently, making no sound yet. Then my hand rises, and I hit it hard a few times on the door. Knock, knock.

~

Who's there?

My head lifts up, after staring blankly towards my opposite wall for a good two hours, and I glance over at the door. My eyebrow arches, as I am confused now.. no one ever knocks on my door, because no one cares to bother with me. What is this going on here?

Miyu's head lifts too, and she looks at the door then up at me, and our eyes meet as she whimpers a bit. After that, she peers back at the door and yelps shrilly as Chihuahuas do, and bares her tiny little teeth as my hand rises to stroke her head to calm her. Then she quiets. I lift her up from my lap and set her down in her little bed, beside my own bigger one, and slide off of it slowly, going over to answer the door.

I open it, and then I see his face. He is standing here, at my door.. and I do not know why. I can't think of any reason why he would be, so my heart begins to pound. What did I do? Something wrong? I eye him over, keeping my faintly annoyed as well as confused look on my face and finally ask..

"..nani?"

~

I could feel my heart jump up to my throat when I heard Miyu bark. Now I stand here, probably panting, heart beating rapidly, as he opens the door and looks at me strangely. Why, why, why.. I ask myself over and over again. Why does he look like that, why did his dog do that, why am I even here, god damnit all.

..control..

Yes, that's it. Look cool, contained.. no worries. If he doesn't like me, he doesn't like me.. but I still can't be straight forward. I have not enough self-esteem to do such, for one, and.. what if it scares him? I'll start.. talking normally, yes. That's it.

Oh god, I look so ugly.

My face twitches, I can feel it, and I force myself to smile weakly at the other. He maybe knows, he maybe knows how I feel about him, and he probably knows how nervous I am. Oh god, I am so ugly right now.. it's unbelievable.

But look at him.. he's so beautiful..

"..konban'wa, Shinya'kun."

~

"Nani desu ka, Die'kun?" he asks, in a stronger tone, a more suspicious rather than confused look coming over his face. He is nervous as Die, but he is certainly better at hiding such - he has had practice. But still, his heart pounds, and even he is surprised it isn't so noticeable.

"N-nothing.. I.. just, um.." And now he fumbles on his words, glancing down momentarily, obviously embarrassed. Shinya would be extremely amused, if he wasn't caught up in his own problems at the moment, and simply stares blankly, asking a third time.

"...nani?"

"..I just wanted to speak with you." Ah, finally Die manages to say a decent sentence, and not fumble. There is a sigh of relief, but his mind is not completely clear of worry..

"I see." And Shinya's heart beat speeds up. But mentally his eyes narrow, and begins to plot. Die's visit was quite out of the blue, and for no apparent reason. Perhaps he..? No. But - what was this? Shinya thinking positively? Hell must have froze over.

Whatever the case, Shinya planned...

"..ne.."

"What is making you act so nervous, Die'kun?" Hesitantly, Shinya's hand rises.. but with rising confidence as well, his grasped the other's and stepped backwards, leading the redheaded one into his room. Glancing over his shoulder, he peers over in the direction of Miyu.. whom, thankfully, is asleep by now.

Die blinks, and with his own act of caution, proceeds in, tugged by Shinya. As he was, he says, "..nothing, I'm fine."

And without word Shinya takes him over to his bed and sits down, motioning for the other to do as well. Die is curious as to why Shinya suddenly seemed to eager to talk to someone, especially him. Sitting, he falls into an awkward silence, peering at the other.

..and he glances right back, an eye brow lifting as he is still generally confused as to why Die was here in the first place. And why the hell had he just done what he did.

"Nani kore..?" the usually silent one asks.

"I don't kn--"

"..why.. did you come here? Tell me now, and don't waste time." Suddenly he becomes frustrated, but refrains from flashing Die a glare.

"...I want.. to.. tell you something, Shinya'kun." Die felt intimidated. It was easy to sense when Shinya was getting annoyed with someone, as his voice and choice of words obviously showed this, and because the feeling always seemed to resonate off of him when such happened, even if he had no words to be said. But he did his best not to show his "fear," and kept peering in the other's direction.

This sparked his interest, but Shinya, as he did with most of his emotions, refrained to show it. "And what is that..?"

"..suki da yo."

"God, I look so ugly."

Shinya freezes. He feels every muscle in his body tense, and he feels his eyes go wide. His plans are forgotten. He feels as if his heart is going to jump from his throat, and all of this sudden anxiety is too visible to Die, who is now looking down in shame. He cannot bare to see Shinya act so.. well, what it seemed to him, horrified.

"Sou ka..." is all he can say.

And now Die glances up momentarily, after hearing the "couldn't care less" words, only to glance down once more, utterly crushed on the inside. And though it is visible to both Die and Shinya, he says nothing, and neither does Shinya.

Instead, Shinya's hand rises again, and touches the other's spine, the index finger slowly running down the cord, feeling the bumps of bones that poke through Die's anorexic-thin body.

His head jolts up and once again he looks at Shinya, eyes wide. "Nani kor--"

"Shh," Shinya hushes him with his other hand, which is free. It had risen quickly, and he had placed the index and middle finger over Die's lips. This causes him to freeze a moment, but eventually, Die's response to these touches his him kissing the other's finger tips gently, eyes becoming half lidded and he is staring off in no where particular as he takes in the touches against his back, which are causing him to shiver repeatedly.

His fingers scale up, and they scale down. Suddenly both of their fears melt away, and either of their bodies are untense.. for the moment.

Die's eyes shift in Shinya's direction another time, and he takes his middle finger into his mouth, slipping his tongue beneath it, pushing it up, and down, around his mouth. His eyes close.

Shinya watches intently.

Then his own eyes shift, towards the door. He takes his hand once on Die's back away, and slowly slips his finger from his mouth, running it down his chin, and slowly standing. Silently, he nods to the door that is left open, and turns, walking over to it.. and closes it.

..only to turn around to see Die as close as possible. He peers up at him, still wordless, and instinctively puts his arms around the other man's waist, as he is pressed back against the door. Die's hand reaches towards it, and locks it, and then reaches up, sliding both his hands through Shinya's smooth and currently golden hair.

His hands stop on either side of Shinya's angelic face, and he leans downward, to press his own lips against his, and once again, eyes close. Shinya presses his own effort into the kiss as well, arms tightening their grip about Die.

"Mmph," Shinya mutters a sweet nothing, his shoulders relaxing, as he notices he had unconsciously kept them stiffened. Leaning back now and breaking the kiss, Die stares into the other's eyes..

"They are beautiful," Shinya whispers something that is an actual sentence now, and Die understands. Dipping his head forward, his lips press against the other's neck, against the pulsing jugular vein. His tongue slowly slips out, and scales along the pale flesh as Shinya's fingers had once done to his back.

Shinya tenses, and lets out an involuntary moan, head tilting to the side slightly, and his head is resting itself upon Die's shoulder.

Die's hand reaches, and tugs at the collar of Shinya's shirt, pulling it away from his shoulder so he may have this skin bare as well to kiss, and he does. Sucking on the skin softly, he feels Shinya's hair brush against his own neck as he is nuzzled, and again, the other lets out a quite moan.

"..Die, the bed.."

And there is no nod, no approval. Die's arms simply come down and scoop up Shinya's legs, and he wraps them around his waist as Die takes him over to the bed. Releasing once he is over it, he falls backwards, only to be pinned against the mattress by Die's body over his.

And he does not even prepare, yet receives another kiss from Die. But he complains not. Either of his hands grasp his shoulders, and his eyes close as he returns this sloppy kiss, even daring to slide his tongue into Daisuke's mouth, and allow it to explore around, twisting and entwining with the other's.

This time, it is Die's turn to let out a quiet whine. Gently, his hips buck against Shinya's, and both feel each other's slowly hardening erections, even through the cloth that conceals them. And both of them let out whimpers.

Shinya gently bites at the side of Die's mouth, now, and pants quietly as does the other, a hand coming up to caress the side of the redheaded one's face. He mutters quietly into Die's ear, "..I want you.."

..but this makes Die pause a moment. Glancing into Shinya's eyes, he asks, almost weakly. "Do you..?"

"..y I want you now.." Shinya lets out a whine in anticipation, rocking his hips forward as Die had done previously, and his eyes go wide momentarily.

"..fuck, Shinya," Die pants against his face, and the heat and sweat is only arousing both of them further. Quickly, Shinya's hands reach down and tug at Die's shirt, pulling it up; without word, it is removed.

e bites at it. Die writhes slightly, tugging at the other's shirt now. Like the other, it is moved quickly, maybe even faster.

Hugging each other's bodies closer together, Die reaches down immediately after the removal of the shirt, and begins pulling Shinya's pants and boxers down. Once that is done, he peers down at Shinya's almost completely aroused length, and grabs at it, pulling, and running his fingers along it's sensitive flesh.

Shinya cries out, louder then before, and fire shoots through his loins. "..damnit.. engh.."

Die only grins, leaning in to silence Shinya's cry with another kiss, and then pulling back and whispering into his ear as he shifts Shinya to lay on his stomach.

He shifts into a comfortable position on the bed, resting his head down on the mattress. He feels Die shift behind him, and he proceeds to remove his own pants, quite hastefully, and then tossing them virtually carelessly to the side.

Positioning himself behind Shinya, Die prepares to enter the smaller body.. reaching forward and taking a hold of his hips, Die slides his fully aroused member into the other. Shinya winces, and lets out a loud cry, as Die begins to slowly rock back and forth, in and out of him.

His fists grasp the bed sheets infront of him as he feels the pace pick up, and pain increases. But Shinya is so lost in the good sensations, it is easy for him to ignore, and Die's hand slides down between Shinya's legs, grabbing his shaft once again, hand stimulating it with up and down motions in time with his own rocking.

He slides a finger into the now completely aroused length and shifts it around inside, and quickly a second finger enters as well. Moving either around inside Shinya, they flex and stretch him, and gradually he feels him growing slicker, with his own juices.

Allowing his hand to leave Shinya, then.. he leans on top of him so his chest is touching his upper back, and reaches forward, slipping his fingers into Shinya's mouth.

Shinya moans softly, suckling, tasting himself, and nipping gently down on Die's fingers lovingly. His eyes shut tightly, as he feels Die's pace picking up once more, faster then the last time.. and quickly, he feels the "numbing" sensation come between his legs.

His eyes tear, and the two both let out final cries as they release - Die inside Shinya, and Shinya on the bed's sheets.. panting, they both collapse as well, Die over Shinya, and he slides out of him, gently wrapping his arms around his waist from behind, and shifting so they are both on their sides now.

Both drained of energy, Die manages to lean his head forward, and kiss Shinya's throat, whispering, "I love you."

"Nn.. I love you, too, Die.." Shinya replies, in a more breathy, obviously exhausted tone. His eyes close, and he reaches up to wipe the small amount of tears from his eyes, and then finally, his body falls limp, and he shifts backwards, closer, against his new lover.

..Die allows a small smile to creep over his face, and he reaches down, pulling the bed's blankets over them, covering them both for warmth; although this was not very necessary, both their bodies kept each other warm just fine.