I always thought you were so happy, your voice, your smile, the way you laughed…the
way you just looked at me with those eyes. You made me happy. Happier then I had
ever been with anyone I had ever been with before.
Why didn’t you tell me, Toshiya? Didn’t you trust me?
I remember our first kiss. Your lips were so warm and tender. Delicate. I ran my
fingers through your hair and you stroked my face, my body lovingly. I felt like
I had stumbled into a different dimension. A place where only me and you
mattered. No one else, just you and me. That kiss has never gone, I never forgot
it.
Why didn’t you tell me, Toshiya? Didn’t you trust you me? Why did you have
to go?
Did you know I watched you sleep at night? God, you were so beautiful. I mean
you always were beautiful but when you were asleep…you were so striking. An
earth bound angel. Your face was so pale with the moonlight and you look like
you would break if I touched you. Your hair was down…how long it was then,
falling in long blue locks. Your eyelashes were amazing and rested upon your
cheeks. And your mouth…how it smiled ever so slightly while you slept. I
wanted to kiss you right then but I didn’t…because I wanted to watch you
sleep forever.
Why didn’t you tell me, Toshiya? Didn’t you trust me? Why did you have to
go? Were you just too weak to go on?
I remember when I found you crying that morning way back then. I asked what was
the matter and you said that it was nothing, hugging me and saying that you
loved me more then ever. I didn’t understand back then. I didn’t know.
Why didn’t you tell me, Toshiya? Didn’t you trust me? Why did you have to
go? Were you just too weak to go one? Did you think I wasn’t there for you?
I remember when I found blood on the floor of the bathroom. The blade in the
sink. Why? Why, Damnmit? I found you in the bedroom your wrists like ripped red
silk. You had cut deep. I helped you wash your wounds and held you as you wept.
I asked what was wrong but you shook your captivating face in sorrow and I didn’t
ask again.
Why didn’t you tell me, Toshiya? Didn’t you trust me? Why did you have to
go? Were you just too weak to go on? Did you think I wasn’t there for you? I
never knew you were so hurt.
You cut yourself again and again and I couldn’t stop you. Your arms…so
scarred. I kissed them gently to soften your pain and you collapsed on to the
bed sobbing. I never understood what was going on in your head and you were
always told me “I wont go, Kaoru, I won’t leave you when I’m gone”. I
know now what you meant.
Why didn’t you tell me, Toshiya? Didn’t you trust me? Why did you have to
go? Were you just too weak to go on? Did you think I wasn’t there for you? I
never knew you were so hurt. Why didn’t I understand?
It was November when I came home and found you gone. I thought you had done ‘that’
again, my face crumpling in dread and I went to the bathroom. You had. Blood
everywhere. I checked the bedroom but you where nowhere to be seen. I was so
scared. Where were you? I cried so hard.
Why didn’t you tell me, Toshiya? Didn’t you trust me? Why did you have to
go? Were you just too weak to go on? Did you think I wasn’t there for you? I
never knew you were so hurt. Why didn’t you understand that I loved you? How
did it come to this?
I found you, dying outside in the cold in the park a couple of blocks away. You
were only wearing some thin jeans and a t-shirt. You arms were so badly slashed
you could move them without screaming in agony and you held a empty bottle of
pills in your hand.
Why didn’t you tell me, Toshiya? Didn’t you trust me? Why did you have to
go? Were you just too weak to go on? Did you think I wasn’t there for you? I
never knew you were so hurt. Why didn’t you understand that I loved you? How
did it come to this? I can’t go on without you, Toshiya.
Your last words haunt my dreams. The way you whispered in my ear the words ‘rape’
and ‘stranger’. You said that you wanted to die. You wanted to go now and
that you would still be here but not in this world. “I will never leave you
Kaoru”
Why didn’t you tell me, Toshiya? Didn’t you trust me? Why did you have to
go? Were you just too weak to go on? Did you think I wasn’t there for you? I
never knew you were so hurt. Why didn’t you understand I loved you? How did it
come to this? I can’t go on without you, Toshiya. I want you back.
You died. Right there and then. In my arms. You, my world, was gone. You took my
world with you. So what is left for me? I have nothing now. You were my all.
Your blood stained my clothes, your vomit covered my hands and your tears wet my
cheeks. You died and left me! Toshiya…
