I brought his hand to my lips; brushing my lips over the skin before resting my cheek on it. I was so tired I could barely think. But even my tiredness permitted me no rest.

A faint trace of my red lipstick was left on his hand, marking it as if laughing at me. The hospital was terribly silent; the trays clattered noisily on the floor when a nurse accidentally dropped it. I looked at her as if she was intruding my privacy, our privacy. She checked the tubes and the monitor, mistaking me for Die's girlfriend. I turned my attention back to his face.

The bruise that I wore like a bracelet on the flesh of my wrists was starting fade. The door clicked shut as the nurse, clad in white uniform, quietly stepped out. 

The tears accumulated at the bottoms of my eyes; a single drop wet a path down my face. I squeezed his hand, praying silently to the Gods. The pain in my heart was so tearing that it became almost physical. Footsteps echoed through the hallway as a someone passed the room. I didn't look up; I knew perfectly well that nobody would come. That's why I came here, to accompany Die in all his loneliness, or maybe just to make myself feel less guilt... maybe both.

My hands grew sweaty in the summer heat so I let go of Die's hand. I poured a glass of water. The liquid trickled into the glass in a pool of clear substance; I could almost hear it hit the base as it filled up. The water soothed my dry throat as I drank it down; all the time fixing my eyes on Die. The legs of the chair made a scraping sound as I sat down; again, reaching for his hand but I stopped halfway. Bending over the bed, I covered Die's lips with a gentle kiss. I felt his light breathing against my own skin and delighted in the salty taste and soft texture of his lips. I wondered how come I never felt this before. And I never realized until this moment how much I missed it.

Please wake up, Die...please...please...

I prayed fervently as I clutched both his hands to my chest, tears rolling over them.
***************
Die felt amazingly hot. He heard himself groan. A swarm of light blinded him when he peeled open his eyes. The scent of hospitals wafted over his senses, making him feel more sick than he was. His eyes were glazed over and everything looked blurry and distorted at the edges. Or maybe it was because he didn�t have his lenses or glasses on.

His whole body ached. How long has he been lying there? He licked his cracked lips, feeling the dryness and uneven surface.

Wait, his chest felt heavy. He blinked and saw the blur outline of Shinya�s face sleeping peacefully on his chest, pillowed with an arm. The drummer�s pink lips parted slightly with his breathing. In that instance, Die had temptation to kiss those inviting lips.

But then he frowned. Memories of certain events came back to him and he was flooded with both sadness and anger. He didn�t want to see Shinya here. In fact, he told himself in his head, he�d never want to see Shinya ever again. He didn�t want to see those seemingly innocent eyes. They looked at him as if it was all his fault. No, he really didn�t want to see Shinya here...or anywhere for that matter, he thought sadly.

As if in spite of him, Shinya�s eyelids fluttered. Feeling the dreaded moment come, Die held his breath as the drummer woke up. Naturally, Shinya�s eyes widened at the sight of a conscious Die.

� Die�! You�re�� The young man stumbled over his words, unable to get them out. Suddenly, as if his common sense woke up too, he ran out of the ward, calling the nurses and doctor. His voice rang down the corridor and it felt less than a minute when a doctor in white robe came to check up on Die.

The guitarist let the medical team of doctor and nurse fuss over him, answering their every question with simple �yes�s and �no�s. He didn�t even bother to ask about his condition. Later, he reasoned to himself that it was only because of his tiredness and lethargic effects from sleeping too long.

Despite his disinterest, the doctor told him he was going to be fine and he should stay in hospital for a few more days to ensure he was in good condition. The guitarist merely nodded and thanked the man.

When the nurse pulled open the curtain, Die again had to face Shinya. He could not help but see the happiness radiating from the man. Quickly, he turned away and pretended to be very tired and closed his eyes.

� Die, are you feeling better now?� Shinya sat down on the foldable chair.

Die said nothing, breathing a bit heavily as he half opened his eyes. He looked at the transparent tube running from his wrist to the drip. The drops fell silently and continuously.

� Die.� He reached out a hand to bring Die�s face towards him. But he was shocked when the older man roughly pushed his hand away.

� Go away,� Die said harshly, refusing to look at him.

This, of course, added to the pile of guilt in Shinya�s heart. He didn�t expect Die to be this�cold. Angry, maybe, but not outwardly cold to him. Shinya rested back into the chair, his shoulders slumped down in disappointment, casting his pleading eyes towards Die. But Die didn�t see the sadness in his eyes.

� I�I�m sorry, Die. I know you�re angry at me,� the drummer said, tucking his short hair behind his ears. He pursed his lips and went through his mind before continuing, � You�d forgive me, won�t you?�

Trying to sound as cheerful as possible, he smiled. He looked down shyly when Die turned to face him. With a hand, Die held Shinya�s chin and brought their faces to level. For a moment, Shinya thought he saw love in those eyes. A blush crept over his cheeks. Of course Die loved him, he thought to himself, and he loved the guitarist back too.

Die brought their faces closer to each other. It was as if his eyes were searching for something else in Shinya�s. Then he took in a deep breath.

Shinya yelped in pain when Die�s hold tightened on his jaw.

� Slut, you really are cheap, aren�t you?� he hissed, jerking Shinya�s face painfully.

� Die?!� Shinya pulled back from him, automatically removing himself from the seat. He didn�t expect this!

� You don�t need me. Go find somebody else, okay? I�m sure they�ll be glad to fuck you any time!� Those words were cruel but Die really didn�t care how he hurt Shinya. It gave him a sort of joy in seeing the drummer�s lips tremble as he held back the tears.

� Die, don�t say that!� he protested.

� Why? Because it�s true?�

This time, Shinya let a gasp escape his throat as he felt the moisture clouding his view. � Die, please�I love you!� His fingers clenched around the strap of his black-leather bag.

Die let out a whoosh of air from his lungs, turning his face to look at the white sanitary blanket.

� Do you say it to them all?� He felt tears burning his eyes. Angry, jealous tears. � Did you say it to him?�

Shinya shook his head violently. � No, I didn�t!�

� Did you tell Kaoru you loved him too?� Die�s voice was still and calm as if they were discussing some mundane matter. � And that you wanted him to make love to you?�

� No, no, no!� Shinya was in despair. Why don�t Die just believe him? � I love only you, Die!�

� Really?� Die looked up at Shinya. A wave of revulsion washed over him as an image formed in his mind. Not really an image but a fragment of his memory. Shinya sitting on Kaoru�s lap, kissing him�his hands were entangled in Kaoru�s pink hair as he arched and moaned in pleasure�their outlines drawn by the street lamps filtering from outside as Kaoru took his Shinya right there in the bedroom of his own home�

_His_ Shinya!

Die closed his eyes, willing the awful scene to erase itself.

� You want me to forgive you?�

The guitarist gritted his teeth.

� Go away, Shinya. I don�t want to see your face ever again. You disgust me!� Die�s jealousy took control of his tongue. He wanted to hurt the younger man, wanted him to feel the pain he caused him.

Shinya bit on his lips so hard that it would surely bleed as the tears broke the dam and rolled down his face.

He hates me�

Shinya let out a short frustrated scream as he dashed for the exit. He ignored the curious stares of the nurses and patients as he ran along the corridor to the elevator. He wiped off his tears with the back of his hand.

The cool night air did nothing to help him feel less sad. He didn�t know what to do but cry so he sat in his car with his forehead against the steering wheel, crying, hoping Die would somehow see this. And maybe Die would reconsider his words, maybe Die would take him back and hold him at night when he couldn�t sleep, maybe Die would forgive him�

But now he also felt that maybe Die was right not to accept his apology�maybe he deserved it. It was all his fault that Die did not love him anymore. Pangs of regret slapped him across his face. He had lost Die�s affection and love just because he wanted to have one night of enjoyment. He was so stupid!

It�s not his fault.

The bitter taste of the blood from his lips and his salty tears mixed at the corner of his lips.
*********
The drummer stared hesitantly at the door, afraid to ring the bell. Taking a deep breath, he pressed the red button, hearing the soft buzz and then the approaching footsteps. He turned his face down to look at the carpet. A welcome greeting stood out in the middle of the rubber pattern. He struggled to stop the tears from reaching his eyes. He had cried enough for that night.

The door opened and then only silence followed. Kaoru stood still, neither did he slam the door shut nor welcome Shinya in. Feeling unwanted, Shinya could not help but let the tears fall from his eyes.

" Kaoru-chan, who�s that?" Toshiya�s voice flew from inside. It sounded soft and muffled.

" No-nobody!" he shouted back in reply, eyes never leaving Shinya�s sad face. The guitarist stepped outside and closed the door slightly behind him.

" Shinya, what are you doing here?" he asked softly, not wanting his lover to hear.

" Kaoru!" Shinya flung his arms around his neck and cried. "Die�he doesn�t want me anymore!"

" He�s awake? How is he?"

" He�s�fine but he�s angry at me�" his voice cracked.

" Shh�" The older man stroked his back in a comforting manner, feeling terribly guilty. Guilty because of that night and because of his own selfishness. Shinya was heartbroken here all and he was worrying about Toshiya coming out and seeing him with the drummer? This was his mainly his fault, how could he leave Shinya to suffer alone? He tried to think about Shinya�s problem and not his own.

" What am I going to do?" He stared questioningly at Kaoru.

" Kaoru! Can you get the phone?! I got curry powder in my eye!" Again, Shinya heard Toshiya�s voice.

" Okay, let me talk to him on Monday. Go home and take a rest. You need one." Kaoru gave him a brief kiss on the cheek and wiped the tears off. " I really need to go now. Don�t worry too much."

Helplessness washed over Shinya as he saw Kaoru retreat back into the apartment.

***

Die winced at the bright surroundings as he stepped out of the hospital. His body ached from lying down. Who had thought he�d get tired of resting? It�s not that bad staying in the ward all day long but he was not allowed to smoke and could only suffer silently. Finally now, he can have a cigarette!

But then he realised he didn�t have his cigarettes with him. He fumed mentally. His worries about his blood nicotine level drooped as he saw his lover coming out from his car. No, not his lover�not anymore. He looked straight ahead as if not seeing him.

Shinya waited by the vehicle for Die to pass by before he called him.

" Want a ride home?"

" No thanks," the guitarist said, walking pass him. Shinya was not about to give up. Following the taller man, he debated with himself about what he intended to do. All he knew was to have Die forgive him.

" Die, please, don�t be like this." He found it difficult keeping up with Die�s long brisk steps. Finally the older man stopped at the taxi stand. There was a queue for the taxi, fortunately for Shinya. Die turned his eyes upwards, leaning against the railing.

" What do you want, Shinya?" He sighed, running away from him wasn�t going to help anything, after all. Anyway, why should he be avoiding him when he was in no wrong?

" Die, I just want you to understand�"

" Tell me what you want me to understand," Die stared at Shinya�s face, his eyes weary. His bandaged head began to throb. Shinya opened his mouth and then closed it, lost for words.

" Well, I thought you wanted to explain something to me?"

" Die�" A few girls who just joined the queue were staring curiously at them. It made Shinya felt uncomfortable. " Why not we speak somewhere else?"

Die looked down at the tips of his shoe, as if thinking about the drummer�s suggestion, then he nodded and walked out of the line. Shinya trailed after him.

The summer sun shone upon them, making the weather hot and humid to their skin.

" Can you tell me what I mean to you, Shinya?" This time, his voice was soft as he spoke, almost startling Shinya with both the tone and the question.

"�"

" What do you feel for me?" the older man rephrased his question.

Shinya wrapped his arms around Die�s arm. "I love you�because I feel safe when I�m with you." The young man didn�t know if his cheeks were hot from the sun or he was blushing. Die kept quiet. They strolled down the streets like normal couples do; nobody took any notice of them. A feeling of contentment filled Shinya as he clutched closer to Die.

" Shinya?" Suddenly Die stopped walking and turned to face Shinya. He took a deep breath, fighting with himself for a decision he would not regret. Shinya held on Die�s hand as he waited with hope and anticipation. He tried to stop the tears from reaching his eyes but he didn�t know why his eyes began to sting with the unwanted moisture. He ducked his head so that the other man would not see this.

Die tilted his head upwards, his fingers held on his chin even as a lonely tear fell down. "Shinya, it�s time for me to say this�"

Maybe there were people staring at them, wondering what�s happening or maybe they were ignored. Die didn�t know as he felt the words leave his numb lips.

" I think our relationship should end here. You say you love me but I don�t see it that way�I know you like Kaoru but he is with Toshiya and you�re lonely�but I don�t want to be a substitute for something you can�t have�" he paused before continuing, now in a softer voice. "It hurts me to think about this. Maybe I was too blind to see that you had never let go off Kaoru�or maybe�"

I love you too much to want to see the truth�why? Why did you have to open my eyes, Shinya? All I wanted was to hold you in my arms and dream off in oblivion�All I wanted was to believe you loved me back�

By now, Shinya�s tears were flowing free like waterfalls. "No, you don�t understand, Die! I�I really love you�I�!"

Die brushed his hands off his sleeve and smiled at him. He pressed his lips against the crying man�s forehead. "Shin-chan, you�re such a kid. You must learn to hold the responsibilities of your words. Don�t just say it because of a spur of emotions."

Then Die walked off into the sea of people. Shinya didn�t bother to chase after him, he just stared at the receding figure with his watery eyes until it disappeared in distance.
******
Shinya applied more concealer around his eyes but the puffiness were still visible. He reached out with a hand and touched his own reflection in the mirror. He seemed to admire it for a moment before frowning and turning away, tears looming in his eyes again.

I thought he would be angry at me�is it better to end like this? I wanted him to scold me or even hit me but�he seemed so calm�he spoke to me as if he had thought over it for a long time before deciding. And he had decided to break up. Why? I thought he loved me�I didn�t think that he would really�just because I had sex with Kaoru�Is this how he feels about me now? Has he given up on us totally? Die�

Taking up the razor knife from the edge of the soap box, Shinya stared at it with fascination. Would he kill himself for Die as Die tried to do for him? But he didn�t want to die without knowing whether Die still loved him or not. Would he kill himself for Kaoru? He shook his head. He didn�t have Kaoru to begin with, how could he lose him? Was losing a lover always this painful? If he could choose, which one would he love? Kaoru or Die?

Bitter tears found their way from his eyes down his face. No�what choice did he have? Kaoru has Toshiya and wouldn�t trade their relationship for Shim and Die didn�t want him anymore.

Die, Kaoru, Die, Kaoru, Die, Kaoru, Die�

He had neither.

A drop of tear fell onto the blade.

***

Die tilted his head upwards to look at the clear blue skies. No, he looked upwards to stop the tears from rolling down his face.

Shinya�why, why, why?!!

He felt as if his heart had been cut, stabbed, pierced, with countless knives.

***

Shinya chewed on his lip as his fingers dialled Kaoru�s house number. It beeped a few times before somebody picked it up.

" Hello?" The voice said. Shinya�s teeth stop gnawing on his lip just as he felt his heart pause for a brief second.

" Who�s that?" Toshiya asked when he heard nobody speaking.

Shinya hung up the phone and backed against the wall. But he felt so lonely�

Picking up the receiver again, he dialled a different number.

***

The setting sun coloured the dusk sky just like a painter would paints the canvas with hues of red and orange. Little silhouette birds dotted the sky as they flew home. The sky met with the lake at the horizon; the waters reflecting the landscape on its ripples.

Shinya sat with his back facing him. Kyo merely stared at the drummer; standing with his hands in his pocket and a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. Sounds of kids laughter as they played became their background music.

" Do you think I�m selfish, Kyo?" Shinya suddenly asked.

" Why�d you ask?"

" Answer me." Shinya rested a cheek on his knees.

The vocalist shrugged. " I don�t know; it depends on what you�re talking about ne?"

" I suppose."

Silence fell upon them again as the skies began to darken and the young moon appeared vaguely in the backdrop. Kyo threw the cigarette onto the ground and stepped on it. Shinya didn�t move away as the older man enclosed him in an embrace from behind.

" Is it about Die?" he asked but the drummer didn�t answer. " I thought so. You people are so messed up!"

" How did you know?" Shinya leaned against Kyo�s small frame, huddling himself into a small ball so that he could fit.

" What do you think, I�m blind?!" Kyo laughed. " That �accident� wasn�t really an accident, was it?"

Shinya�s heart almost froze as Kyo brought up that. " No."

" Shinya?" Kyo held him by the shoulders and turned him to see the young man�s face. Stray strands of hair fell over Shinya forehead, his face made up but the eyes were sad and doleful. " Tell me what happened."

Shinya didn�t want to repeat it all but he desperately needed somebody to listen to him even if it meant bringing back the unpleasant memories. The day had faded into night as they talked in an almost too quiet park.

" Two weeks ago Die went back to his hometown, or was supposed to, so I was alone. While I was feeling bored, suddenly I got a call from Kaoru. He asked me if I was free and if I could come to the pub for a drink." Shinya paused and wet his dry lips.

" I agreed. When I arrive, Kaoru was already half-drunk and was crying. He and Toshiya had a fight. He told me how unreasonable Toshiya was and how much that angered him�" He didn�t continue.

" What? What happened?" Kyo asked curiously but his voice was tinged with concern.

" Promise you won�t tell anyone this?"

Kyo nodded. Shinya hesitated but said softly, "Then I had hoped that maybe he broke up with Toshiya. I know how selfish it was of me to think like that. But at that time, I thought�I still loved Kaoru... I brought him home; I really didn�t think of having sex with him. I was thinking it would be better if he stayed her for the night to let Toshiya calm down. But then he began kissing and undressing me."

" I didn�t know what to do or what to think as I let him do what he wanted. I didn�t know whether should I stop him or not. Yet all my uncertainties disappeared when I saw Die standing by the door," Shinya choked down a sob.

" He stared accusingly at us, at me. His lips pursed over in anger but his eyes had fresh tears rimming them. Kaoru, in his drunken state, ignored him and held to my body as I screamed for Die to stop him from running away. But by the time I got dressed, I couldn�t find him," Shinya voice cracked and tears rolled down his face.

" I wanted to explain him; I didn�t know what to say but something told me I had to find him. I am so stupid!" Kyo wrapped the drummer in the comfort of his arms as he wailed and wept.

" So�Die tried to kill himself because of this. He jumped off nine floors because he saw you making out with Kaoru?" Kyo asked. " If he did that, you should know what he feels for you. Why are you so sad?"

Shinya clutched to Kyo�s shirt. " He doesn�t want me anymore. When he woke up, he called me a slut! I thought he acted that way because he was jealous�but today�he told me that he wanted to break up. Why, Kyo?" The drummer looked at the shorter man with his teary eyes, demanding for an answer but got none.

" I told him over and over that I loved him. But he would not listen! I love him so much it�s killing me now!" The tears mixed with his words.

" Give him time, Shinya. Maybe he�ll change his mind," Kyo said as he dried his tears with a tissue.

" You think so?" Shinya held on to the collar of the vocalist�s shirt. " I really love him. I don�t want him to leave me." He cried softly in Kyo�s arms.

" Shinya, Shinya, Shinya�" Kyo stroked his hair as he chanted the young man�s name over and over again, hoping that it would somehow lessen his bandmate's sufferings.
****
The bed squeaked under his weight. He sighed. This was getting boring. The doctor had ordered him to stay at home for at least a week before resuming his normal routine. Die thought it would be great to have a holiday but now, alone with nothing to do, he really longed for work.

" Maybe I�ll go visit them�" he spoke the ceiling above him. Shinya�s sad face suddenly materialise before him. The soft brown hair�the clear eyes�the red and sensual pout of lips�the smooth skin�Ahhh� Then the uninvited image of Kaoru having them instead of him made him feel sicker than he was. " Bad idea�"

But then, he really was bored�

***

" Okay, everybody! Let�s practise!!!" Kyo shouted into the microphone.

" Kyo, don�t scream!!!" Toshiya covered his ears.

Shinya sat alone in behind the drums, his eyes fixed into space as he held the drumsticks idly in his hands. He cried out when somebody hit him on the head.

" Ah, Shin-chan misses Die, doesn�t he?" Toshiya poked Shinya with a finger as he teased the younger man.

Shinya brushed the bassist off but said nothing. A thin layer of moisture built up in his eyes as they started practising and he caught himself looking at Kaoru�s back but wishing Die was here instead.

***

" Shall we go visit Die this evening?"

Kaoru turned to see his lover standing behind him with his hands in his pockets. The bassist�s sunglasses stood at the tip of his nose. " He�s probably very tired now ne?"

" But we were so busy we didn�t even visit him while he was being hospitalised! He would think none of us care about him," Toshiya said.

Kaoru frowned and felt an undeniable dread gripping at his heart and tearing his mind. It wasn�t because he was scared that Die was angry at him�well, he would think that Die was very angry with him�but Kaoru was most worried about Die�s reaction and words when he saw him. He had no explanation to serve him. He wouldn�t want to use being drunk as an excuse.

The guitarist glanced at Toshiya. The young man was clad in a loose black shirt and blue jeans. He was whistling a happy tune as he went through Kaoru�s collection of CDs. A small smile reached Kaoru�s lips despite the feeling of regret and fear of losing his beloved plaguing him at the moment.

" Sure, we�ll go visit him this evening."

***

" I feel better than ever!" Die said as he placed two cans of beer in front of his bandmates. "But staying at home is sure boring�I even cleaned my closets!" He shook his head as he opened one can for himself.

" Ah, but it�s nice to have time, isn�t it? I mean, we�re always complaining about how tired we are�" Toshiya reached for the ashtray and gave it to Kaoru before his cigarette ashes fall all over his jeans.

" Hey, have you guys had dinner? I have some frozen pizza in the fridge if you don�t mind?" Die offered.

" That wou.." Kaoru began to decline.

But Toshiya�s voice was louder. " That�d be great!!! I�m starved!"

" Want some salad? I can make that too."

" Sure," Toshiya smiled.

" Okay, you�ll have to wait a while though. Being bedridden for a week sure slowed down my movements," Die stuck his tongue out before hurrying to the kitchen.

Toshiya, unaware of how tensed Kaoru was, switched on the TV and began flipping channels. Kaoru, on the other hand, was all the more anxious to get out of Die�s apartment. He couldn�t rub off the persistent picture of that night he came here with Shinya and did something he really shouldn�t have done.

The younger man abruptly stood up.

" Where are you going?"

" Toilet."

Then he padded away as if it was his own home.

***

Die was busy slicing up the hard boiled eggs when he heard somebody cough behind him to catch his attention. He didn�t have to turn around to know who that was. He had to tell himself that there was no reason for him to get angry. Shinya was not his now�Shinya was never his�

" Yes?"

" I wanted to have a talk with you�" Kaoru said calmly but, in truth, he felt as if his insides were trembling. He hated this feeling of guilt.

" Oh."

"�about that night."

Die gloomily replied, "What about it? I�ve already sorted it out with Shinya. It�s okay."

" What do you mean okay?"

At times like this, Die found Kaoru�s I-must-make-this-clear attitude damn irritating. Why couldn�t he just let things be?

Always must be the mature one, always must be the leader! I know perfectly well that Shinya likes you more than me. I know that even though I had tried my best to please Shinya, he still thinks you�re better! What more do you want?! Why want to rub salt into my wounds?!!

" I mean you can take Shinya for all I care. It�s none of my business anymore," Die said, his words doused with acid.

" You broke up with him?!"

" Yeah, aren�t you happy?" The red-haired guitarist looked back at Kaoru, the knife gleaming in his hand.

" I didn�t come here to fight with you." Kaoru shook his head. I�m really sorry for what I caused."

" Don�t say sorry to me. Say that to Toshiya. You owe him that."

Kaoru grimaced internally, feeling as if heavy chains were pulling him down. "That night�was a mistake."

" You should have thought about that before you made your move, shouldn�t you?" Die commented through his clenched teeth.

"I suppose at that time, I didn�t think things would go as bad as this. It was not Shinya�s fault. Don�t get angry at him." Kaoru paused for a brief second. " You know, Die�he really loves you."

***

Toshiya hummed as he washed his hand. The water ran down the basin in soapy suds. He was really hungry now since he had missed lunch. Well, frozen pizza was better than waiting for another half an hour in the restaurant after all. He wiped his hands on his shirt and went out.

When he came back to the living room, Kaoru was not there. But he could hear shouting voices from the kitchen. Were Die and Kaoru having a disagreement?

Quickly he rushed to the source of the voices. He could vaguely hear somebody mentioning his name, then Shinya�s. He had no idea what the argument was about. It was a bit hard to hear through the wall but he didn�t dare go nearer, afraid that Kaoru or Die would catch him eavesdropping.

He heard Kaoru say something but it was too soft. But Die�s following response couldn�t have been clearer.

" I don�t need you to tell me what I should or should not do! I know how Shinya is! I know that if he really didn�t want to do it, he wouldn�t even if you threatened to kill him and his dog! You think I�m so stupid?! I know what I saw! And I saw you!�fucking Shinya in my room!!!"

***

" I don�t need you to tell me what I should or should not do! I know how Shinya is! I know that if he really didn�t want to do it, he wouldn�t even if you threatened to kill him and his dog! You think I�m so stupid?! I know what I saw! And I saw you�" Die grasped Kaoru collar and hissed into his face. "�fucking Shinya in my room." Kaoru stumbled backwards as the other guitarist let him go.

" Die! You�re just so fucking thick! You love Shinya, don�t you?! Why do you care about everything else? You should try to make him happy! You know how he feels now?!!!" Kaoru scowled at his bandmate.

Their fight stopped when a loud bang thundered from outside. It sounded a lot like the door of the main entrance.

Kaoru�s eyes widened in horror. "Shit! Toshiya!" He hastily got out of the kitchen and found Toshiya had vanished. " Fuck!" He grabbed his wallet and cell phone and bolted out of Die�s apartment.

Die stayed in the kitchen, unwilling to heed Kaoru�s words. He felt bad for fighting with Kaoru; possibly ruining the guitarist�s and Toshiya�s relationship. But the pain inside him was stronger.

The microwave alarm went off as the smell of warm leftover pizza filled the kitchen. But Die went away to lock himself in the toilet, leaving the half-done salad and the warmed up pizza in their own loneliness.
**********
" Toshiya, please! Listen to me!"

Turning a deaf ear, the bassist continued stuffing his clothes inside the bag.

" You cannot leave!" Kaoru pleaded, taking the bag and emptying the clothes back onto the bed.

" What? You want me to stay around so that I can see you fuck around with Shinya?!"

" No, Toshiya! I�m not fucking around with Shinya! That night was an accident!" Kaoru was exasperated. Picking up his lover�s clothes, he placed them back into the closet so that he could not pack and leave.

" How would I know if this �accident� happens on regular basis, huh?" Toshiya asked, nearly in tears.

" No, I swear it won�t happen ever again!"

" I trusted you! But you cheated on me! I hate you!" Finally, the dam of tears broke loose as Toshiya wailed on top of his lungs at Kaoru. " I hate both you and Shinya! Hate, hate, hate!!!"

" I�" His words got cut off as the younger man rudely shoved him out of their bedroom. He stood outside the room, blinking as the door slammed in his face. "Toshiya?" Gingerly, he knocked on the door.

" Go away!" Toshiya shouted amidst his sobs. After he was sure Kaoru could not hear him, he began to cry, burying his face in the pillow.

He felt terribly helpless. He clutched at the blanket, twisting it viciously. It hurt so much�to know that the person he loved the most was not faithful to him. He wanted to run, to leave, never to face this pain�but he had no where to go.

***

The days passed quickly. Soon, it was time for Die to go back to work. Sighing he swung his guitar strap over his shoulders and pushed open the studio door. The first person he saw was Kaoru.

" You�re just in time. Look through this," he said, pushing up his black-rimmed spectacles as he handed a pile of documents to Die.

Die scanned the papers, frowning as he felt an instant headache overcome him. " Later ne�" he grinned sheepishly.

Kaoru rolled his eyes, taking back the documents before Die lost them.

" Kaoru?"

" What?" the other guitarist kept his eyes away from Die.

" I� about that day, I�m so sorry. Is Toshiya still mad at you?" Die took a seat next to the man.

" Don�t worry about it. Sooner or later, he�ll know anyway," Kaoru looked up and smiled as cheerfully as he could. "About this live�I was thinking of cancelling it since you�re not really in the shape to perform ne�" Kaoru quickly changed the subject.

***

" I�m so fed up!" Toshiya yelled suddenly, dumping his bass on the floor.

" Huh? What is it?" Kyo asked, stopping in the middle of the song. The sound of the guitars and bass awkwardly echoed even in the insulated room.

" I can�t follow that beat! It�s totally screwed up!" he exclaimed, glaring at Shinya before abruptly stomping away.

Shinya gaped. He was totally in-beat. There was nothing wrong with his drumming. But he knew what triggered Toshiya�s outburst at him. It wasn�t the first time anyway. It was either Shinya �screwing up the music� or Shinya �ruining Toshiya�s rhythm�. Everything became his fault in Toshiya�s eyes. He knew why.

Kaoru stared helplessly into space as a few recording staff walked pass and pointed at them curiously. While Die and Kyo look at each other and shrugged.

" I�ll go see if he�s alright�" Shinya suddenly said, getting up from his stool.

Everyone looked at him as he traced the bassist�s footsteps. Everyone except for Die who busied himself tuning his guitar.

The drummer found Toshiya in the rest area, taking a glass of ocha. The black-haired man ignored him when he entered. Trying not to tremble to much, Shinya poured himself a clear glass of plain water. The liquid helped to quench his thirst but soon he found himself with a dry throat as he tried to speak to Toshiya.

" Toshiya-kun?" He placed the glass down on the table. " I�m sorry if you didn�t like my playing."

Toshiya gripped the cup of tea tighter despite that it was burning his palms. So this is what Kaoru likes? This sweet innocent facade�

" No, your drums were fine," Toshiya stated simply, narrowing his eyes. " It�s you that was disturbing my concentration."

Shinya ducked his head down, looking at the floor. " Toshiya, I�m sorry," he apologise, looking up at the bassist.

" Sorry? What are you sorry for?" Toshiya smirked sarcastically at him.

" I�m-�"

Toshiya turned around to face him, cutting off his words. " Sorry for seducing Kaoru? Sorry for stealing the only person that I love? Sorry for what?!" Toshiya snapped at him.

Shinya was forced to step backwards as Toshiya advanced upon him. " I�I didn�t seduce Kaoru!" he defended himself.

" Oh, no? So Kaoru seduced you? Is that it?" Toshiya asked.

When Shinya did not answer, he splashed the steaming tea at Shinya�s face.

Shinya cried out as the hot ocha burned his face. He held both hands to his face, feeling the water drip off him. " Toshiya�! No! It�it�s not like that!" His back hit the wall; he could not retreat anymore from Toshiya who stood menacingly in front of him, smiling sweetly.

" Oh, Shin-chan! Was that painful?" Toshiya mocked.

" Toshiya, please!" he whimpered, suddenly feeling scared at the crazy look in the other man�s eyes

" Are you begging me now?" he asked. " Are you afraid I�ll spoil your pretty face?" He ran a finger over Shinya�s cheekbone. "Then maybe Kaoru wouldn�t like you anymore�Oh, that would be terrible, wouldn�t it?"

Shinya bit his lips; tears wobbled in his eyes, threatening to spill any second now. " Toshiya, stop!"

His protest made Toshiya send a slap across his face, cursing, "Bitch!"

Just after that, Kaoru, Kyo, Die and a few other staffs crowded at the entrance. Seeing what was taking place, Die wanted to rush to Shinya�s side to see whether he was hurt or anything. But before he could act, Kaoru was already tearing Toshiya off Shinya.

" What the hell are you doing?!" he exclaimed at Toshiya who pretended as if nothing happened.

Turning his attention to the now-sobbing-quietly Shinya, Kaoru squatted down and comforted him. The younger man�s cheeks were wet and red. "Shinya, don�t cry. It�s okay now�" Kaoru said, wiping his face dry with a tissue. Shinya nodded weakly and let Kaoru dry his tears.

Die saw this and felt his torn heart shatter into a thousand pieces. Shinya did not need him; he already has Kaoru. There was nothing he could do to help.

Kaoru asked Shinya whether he wanted to go to the washroom or not. Shinya didn�t hear a single word as he saw Die turning around and walking away without even asking how he was.
******
Kyo stood leaning dangerously against the rusted railing of the stairs outside the studio. The cigarette at the corner of his mouth hung limply from his lips. He removed it, flicking the ashes down onto the street below, while sighing mentally to himself.

The situation didn�t seem to be improving, in fact, it looks like it had gone from bad to worse. Toshiya�s outburst early that evening had send their practice to a halt. They were already held back from Die�s �accident��now this had to happen. It was not long before they had another concert to perform. If they blew it this time, Kyo was worried they would end up performing in livehouses again. That is, if they don�t disband.

Suddenly the door swung open and Shinya stepped out. His face was rather washed-out and his mood was gloomy.

" Hi, Shin-chan," Kyo flicked the cigarette over his shoulders.

" Hi."

" Hey, man, are you okay?" Kyo asked in concern. "You know, about that incident, Toshiya�s just�"

" I know. It has nothing to do with him," Shinya replied as he began to descend the flight of steps; Kyo following behind.

" No? Then what?" Kyo mouthed.

Shinya kept quiet for a while. "Nothing. I�m okay. Positive." Shinya managed a tight smile.

" You sure? I mean, you can confide in me any time. I�ll be here for you," the vocalist said.

The smile brightened a bit. "Sure. Thanks, Kyo." Shinya bid the shorter man farewell and walked off to disappear in the crowd of people.

***

" What do you think you were doing?!" Kaoru snapped at Toshiya the moment the door locked behind them.

" What?! Are you getting angry at me now?" the bassist yelled back at him shrilly.

" I�m not _getting_ angry at you; I _am_ angry at you!" His eyes burned into Toshiya�s.

" Why are you so heated up?! Is it because it�s Shinya?"

" No, I�"

" Of course! What else, huh?"

Kaoru rolled his eyes and reached out for Toshiya�s shoulders. "Don�t be stupid." He turned the bassist to face him.

Toshiya�s eyes were watery and his cheeks were aflame. "Yes, stupid childish immature Toshiya�" he muttered softly, looking down at the maroon carpet. "It doesn�t matter if stupid Toshiya gets hurt as long as pure innocent Shinya is protected from harm ne�It�s all Toshiya�s fault."

" No, that�s not what I wanted to say!" Kaoru was beyond exasperated. "This doesn�t have anything to do with Shinya!!!"

" No? Then what? I didn�t do anything but why do I get all the blame?! Isn�t he the source of all this? He�s the one whoring around!"

" Toshiya!" Kaoru stared wide-eyed at him. "How can you say such things?! Shinya is our friend! Your friend!!!"

" He�s not! My friends don�t screw my boyfriend! Shinya is just a slut of a whore!"

Kaoru lost his temper and sent a slap across Toshiya�s face. The younger man cried out and fell to the floor. Toshiya cradled one cheek in his hand as the other hand supported him from hitting the ground.

-Kaoru hit me�Kaoru hit me for Shinya�- Toshiya stifled his sobs, swallowed his tears.

Their eyes met as he looked up at the guitarist who looked back fearlessly. Toshiya saw only anger, no mercy, no compassion and no love.

" Don�t you say that ever again!" Kaoru told him.

Toshiya lifted his chin and glared at Kaoru. "Fine! If you care so much about him, what are you doing here? Go! Go to your dear Shinya�s side and console him!" Toshiya dared him.

The older man sensed this and his instinct told him to apologise to Toshiya but his pride wouldn�t let him. "You think I don�t dare to do that? You think I won�t??" He looked back at Toshiya with a steely gaze.

Toshiya averted his eyes. "Fine�if that�s how you really feel, then go. I won�t stop you. Our relationship is over!"

Kaoru felt a shock at Toshiya�s declaration. No, he didn�t want to split with Toshiya. He continued looking at his side profile, hoping he would change his mind. But Toshiya didn�t.

" Alright. Remember you were the one who said it," Kaoru hissed and headed for the door.

The door was shook violently as it was slammed shut. The impact made the windows in the apartment vibrate. Then all turned deadly silent. Toshiya stayed on the floor, hiding his face against the wall and began to cry.

***

His car breezed along the road steadily. There was not much vehicles on the road; the traffic was as clear as the sky. Shinya checked his rear-view mirror as he swerved into the other lane. He saw his slightly swollen cheek and puffy eyes.

He was tired of crying. Let Toshiya think what he wants to. It wasn�t his right to say that the bassist was wrong. He couldn�t say whether it was Kaoru�s or his own fault. Personally, he thought both of them were guilty. But what was done was done. The fact now was that both Toshiya and Die hated him, Kaoru was trying to ignore him as much as possible,, leaving the independent Kyo his sole friend in this matter.

He stopped at the red-light. His fingers tapped patiently on the steering wheel as he waited for it to turn green.

Just at the moment the light switched green and he drove out, he heard his cell phone beeping. It was lying on the passenger seat.

" Aw�great," he muttered as he saw the police car behind him.

He made a stop at the side of the road, earning himself a few horns and angry stares from other drivers. Well, at least, the police drove by.

He took a look at the display screen and he felt his heart stop momentarily when he saw Die�s number blinking on the little box.
***************
Die stretched, dropping the cordless phone onto the couch. The loose top he wore was faded and the shorts underneath it barely peeked out. He wandered back to the bedroom. He sank down by the bed next to a cardboard box.

" So quiet�" he muttered, checking his watch.

He sighed, looking at the pile of things inside the box. It was all Shinya�s things and they made him sad and a bit bitter whenever he saw them. Better to just return them to him. That way, at least, he won�t be reminded of him, Die thought as he reached for the photo frame on top of the pile.

" Shinya�" he stroked the photo. It was the first time they took a photo together that�s not taken during band�s photo-shoots.

Sighing another time, he placed the frame back and waited for Shinya to arrive.

***

The liquid scoured his throat as he downed it. He made a small sound at the sour bitter taste. Kaoru�s eyes burned into the glass goblet in his hand. It was his third one and it was empty and he was not drunk enough.

" Another!" he lazily pushed the glass towards the bartender and it stopped just a mere 2 millimetres away from falling over the edge. The bartender, a young man with black hair slicked back, eyed him warily as he retrieved the glass to refill it.

-�Go to Shinya� huh? �Our relationship is over� huh? So is this your way of dumping me, Toshiya???-

Kaoru�s eyes grew teary and he wiped them dry almost viciously. The pain in his heart was making itself known.

-Is this it? Is this the end of our relationship? Just like that?-

The bartender returned with his drink. Kaoru brought the drink close to himself, his hands stroking the cool glass in a tender manner.

-Toshiya�-

******

The darkness stared back at him. He couldn�t get to sleep. He turned around and was faced with an empty bed. Stretching, Toshiya stroked the smooth sheets tenderly, wishing Kaoru was back here, in bed with him, instead of whatever he was doing with Shinya now.

He told himself he had to go to sleep. Tomorrow he would search for a new place to move to. Now that Kaoru wouldn�t really welcome him in his apartment anymore�coz he�d probably want to invite Shinya or somebody over some time.

Burrowing deeper into the blanket, he willed himself to sleep but he barely dozed off for a few minutes before the doorbell woke him up.

He frowned. "Who???" he croaked as he climbed out of bed, annoyed.

In a sleeping robe, he tiptoed cautiously to the door. It could be a robber or a sex maniac or a psychopath killer. Toshiya peeked through the small hole but saw nothing.

" ???" He opened the door and peered outside.

Kaoru was slumped down against the door, asleep.

***

Heaving the big box in his arm, he made his way to the hall.

" Everything�s there?" Die asked.

Shinya nodded solemnly.

" Sorry to bother you so late but I was clearing up the place and I thought maybe you�d want your things back and�" Die babbled but Shinya paid more attention to everything but the words. They seemed meaningless to him now.

-I don�t want to leave�I want to be here with you, to have you near me�I don�t want to go!-

" Are you okay?" Die waved a hand before Shinya�s face, startling him out of his reverie.

" Huh? Yeah, sure!" Shinya forced a bright smile.

" That�s good. You and Toshiya�you guys having something you can�t settle?" Die asked but then suddenly wished he had not.

Shinya kept quiet for a moment.

-Bitch!!!-

Toshiya�s word rang in his ears.

" No," Shinya said.

He tightened his arms around the box lest its contents spilled out. "I better get going now."

" Okay, see you." Die opened the door for him as he struggled with the package.

" See you, Die," Shinya said.

Die smiled and waved at him despite the growing ache in his heart. He was sending away the person he loved with a smile on his face. Sending him away into the arms of another man.

Shinya turned around and was about to walk off when he stopped abruptly as if he remembered something important.

" Die?" he called.

" Yes?" the guitarist paused.

" Don�t smoke so much ne? It�s bad for your health," Shinya said, a sad smile gracing his delicate features. "Bye."

Die thought he saw the reflection of tears in Shinya�s eyes as the drummer turned and left.

***

Toshiya came out of the toilet with a damp towel in his hands. He strode to the bed, climbing onto the mattress next to Kaoru who was groaning in drunken slumber. He pressed the wet cloth to his forehead.

" Uh�" Kaoru swat his hands away.

Toshiya pulled back. Sitting in the moon-lit room, he gazed at his sleeping lover. He could feel his eyes water.

-What lover? It�s only a one-sided relationship.-

When Toshiya was about to go away, Kaoru suddenly grabbed his arm. He gripped rather hard and Toshiya yelped in pain.

" Kaoru!" Toshiya tried to pry his hand off but it only managed to make Kaoru hold on harder.

" No�" Kaoru was talking in his sleep. "Don�t leave�" He was breathing heavily and tears began to run down his face, wetting the flushed cheeks. "You can�t leave. Toshiya�"

" Kaoru?" Toshiya relaxed and sat back down on the mattress.

-Kaoru is crying!- Toshiya stared wide-eyed at the usually sober, strong guitarist who was now whimpering his name and curled up near his legs.

" I�m sorry, Toshiya�I love you�Toshiya�Toshiya�"

Kaoru�s wet cheeks touched his hands. Gently, Toshiya patted him on the back, running his hair past the tangles of his long hair. Kaoru wrapped his arms around the bassist�s waist, burying himself in his body warmth.

" Shh�don�t cry. I forgive you ne�coz�" Toshiya kissed the top of Kaoru�s head, smelling the shampoo scent on his hair. Eyes closed, he whispered softly, "�coz I�m stupid and I love you�"

Cradling Kaoru in his arms, Toshiya soon fell asleep.
********
The reflection of the full moon shimmered in the rippling waters of the sea. Shinya sat on the sand, his bare toes playing with the grains of sand that sneaked between. The night was breezy despite it was summer and he wrapped his arms around himself to keep warm as a breeze, carrying the salty scent of sea, passed by and made his hair dance.

" Full moon�just like that night�" he whispered to no one in particular.

Resting his cheek on his knees, he drew a circle in the sand with a dried twig.

" I love you�"

Then Die had kissed him. They had made love on the sand, with the full moon as their witness, as their limbs entangled with each others and they became one.

Shinya smiled. He let the flood of memories drown him, memories that were so sweet and made him blush. But then, when he remembered they were nothing but memories, tears collected at the rims of his eyes. He closed his eyes, wiping them away before they could fall.

" I love you, Die�" he said. He felt his heart throb painfully in his chest. "Why don�t you love me anymore?"

His question was unanswered but the breeze continued blowing.

" Maybe you still love me�" Shinya smiled again. "Maybe you�ll forgive me. I promise I�ll never let anybody touch me again�just you�"

Shinya began to talk to his imaginary-Die. Saying what he couldn�t bring himself to say before the man. He let that night replay in his mind; how gently Die touched him, how much love he showed him�how he confessed his love for the first time to Die.

And it was the last time they made love too.

" Why is it so hard to just love? I just want to belong to someone, to just have someone to hold me and love me�" Shinya�s vision was blurred with his tears. "Why can�t you be that someone, Die?"

" But you don�t love me anymore. Nobody wants me now�Toshiya�s right. I�m nothing but an awful selfish bitch�but�" He wiped his tears. "�I feel so lonely�"

" I don�t want to be alone anymore�"

***

Die closed his eyes, puffing out tendrils of cigarette smoke from his mouth as he flicked the ashes out of the car. The while in the background was the crashing of waves against the sandy shore.

-Of all places to drive to when you want to forget him!- he berated himself.

He didn�t know what to think now. It seemed as if his mind has totally gone blank, his heart empty. He missed Shinya. It had been so long since he embraced him in his arms. He probably would never have the chance again.

If only he could turn back time�

If only he had stayed over at his cousin�s like he had planned to�

If only he didn�t go back�

Then Shinya would be here in his arms, they both enjoying the night breeze on the romantic beach under the gaze of the lonely moon and shining stars. What he didn�t know couldn�t hurt him, but now that he knew�he just couldn�t forget it just like that. Even though he loved Shinya�

"You love Shinya, don�t you?! Why do you care about everything else? You should try to make him happy!"

Kaoru�s words bugged him.

" What the hell do you know, huh, Kaoru? You know nothing but screwing around and cheating the ones who love you!" Die swore at the other guitarist, letting his frustration build up.

" Okay, calm down�" he told himself as he took in deep breath and exhaled before taking in another deep breath.

He opened the car door and dropped the half-smoked cigarette to the ground.

" Don�t smoke too much, it�s bad for your health�"

Frowning, he stepped on the stub.

Shinya doesn�t love me. He wants Kaoru, ne�so obvious! I�m just trying not to see it. But at least I made the right choice. I let him go�better than having his body and not his love.

Die reasoned everything out for himself.

Okay, I�ll allow myself a little self-pity. And go for a nice walk and wake up late tomorrow.

He hummed mindlessly and climbed over the railing to walk along the sand. He looked up. The moon was a perfect circle.

***

The waves gently lapped against his ankle. The water was cold but he ignored it.

� Hey, wanna go for a drink, Shin-chan?�

The tears had dried on his face, but the traces were still visible.

� No, I can�t, Die�I�m too tired.�

They were standing in the studio corridor; Die throwing the cigarette on the floor as he invites him for a drink.

� But I�m so alone..! Just tonight okay?�

Shinya smiled, reminiscing the start of their relationship. That morning he woke up with a hangover to find himself sleeping naked in Die�s arms.

� You raped me!�

�it started with drunken passion and ended the same way, with alcohol-induced lust.

Sweet Die�who once loved him so much, but now no longer do�

� I want to give us a chance���

The memories haunted him, making his hurt deeper.

� I love you, Die��

The water was touching the tips of his fingers now, wetting them as his feet sank into the soft sand with every step.

***

The small white car parked on the sand caught his eye. It looked suspiciously similar to Shinya�s. Instinctively, Die walked towards it, wondering if fate had brought them together again. The wind picked up, howling cruelly at Die, making long strands of red hair snap against his face irritatingly.

There were no signs of Shinya, Die noted with disappointment. He rested on the car�s bonnet which faced the sea.

At first he saw the black sky and dark sea merged together but then noticed something else. There was a white figure in the water.

" Shinya?" He squinted to make sure. It was too far for him to see but he felt his heart leaping and pounding against his chest. "Shinya!!!"

He didn�t know what he did except that now he was running towards the water. The closer he got, the more panicked he became as the figure sharpened out to be the drummer. But Shinya didn�t look back when he called, just continued walking steadily.

" Shinya!!" he yelled desperately, ignoring the wind whirling into his face or the water now soaking his sport shoes.

***

Shinya thought he heard someone call him by his name. It sounded very much like Die. He turned around and saw the red-head chasing after him. For a moment, he stopped there, letting the waves roll at his chest. He smiled.

" Die, I�ll love you forever�" he whispered softly in the wind, as he inched backwards and the sand gave way and then he saw nothing but the black water and little bubbles caressing his face. But in his heart, he heard Die calling him affectionately and whispering soft promises of love in his ears.

He did not struggle but merely closed his eyes, falling deeper. As he dreamed about a perfect world where he was in Die�s arms, looking at the perfect round moon, as they exchanged their vows of love.
***********
Shinya felt the water tendrils caressing him, slipping through the clothes. His eyes stung with the salt water so he closed them, his arms floating in the waters. He thought he heard someone call his name.

Shinya!

It sounded like Die. His mind went back to the night they made love on the beach. Die�s gentle touches, his passionate kisses, his tender words�

***

Die dove into the water, searching for his love. He forced his eyes open but it was too dark for him to see anything except bubbles and the black water. He emerged from the waves, taking a deep breath before sinking down again. He was swimming deeper and deeper, his feet no longer could touch the sand beneath. But he only heard the panicked shrieks in his heart.

He held his breath and plunged deeper. Still nothing.

I won�t let Shinya die like this! I still have so many things to say to him! So many things we haven�t done! So many things left unsettled�He can�t leave! Shinya!

Die felt his heart leap when his hand caught something. He pulled and realised it was Shinya�s hair.

***

The full moon hid behind the black clouds as two bodies climbed onto the sandy shores. Die�s hair hung dripping wet and his clothes clung to his body; an unconscious Shinya on his back. Breathing heavily, he laid the frail man on the sand.

" Shinya!" he called in attempt to wake him. But the drummer didn�t flutter even an eyelash. His hands felt cold and clammy when Die held them, his face pale and ghostly as the moon cast its glow down.

" No�" Die put a finger under Shinya nostrils. He was not breathing. Mind in a blur, Die placed his hands on the man�s chest and pressed down again and again. Water spurt out from Shinya mouth but when Die tested again, he was still not breathing.

" Shinya!!!" Die felt salt water running down from his face, not knowing if it was from the sea or were his tears. " Please!" Fear, finally identified, attacked Die. But Shinya did not hear.

Thinking of all ways to revive Shinya, Die tried to resuscitate Shinya but only to end up more desperate and aware that time was slipping away and he could just be too late to save Shinya. He was the one who failed Shinya. The one who forced him to this end.

Die broke down. Tears rushed down without control. "Shinya!"

Why? Why did you leave me?!

His fist hit the ground hard but he felt no pain. Only the pain in his heart�

Suddenly he heard a cough. He scrambled next to Shinya who was hacking with coughs.

" Shinya!" Die exclaimed and gathered him into his arms.

The young man whimpered weakly. "�Die�"

***

His body was numb and he couldn�t breath properly. But he kept hearing his name called. He felt strong arms carry him. He opened his eyes and saw the face of the man he loved, framed by flaming red hair; behind him the full moon smiled down.

"�Die�"

***

The moon outside was round and beautiful as it peered into the hospital ward. But Die didn�t notice it. Sitting beside the bed, he gazed at the patient. His eyes traced the sleeping face, slightly pale but circles of pink were surfacing on the cheeks. Die�s fingers lingered over his features as if kissing them.

" Shinya�" his voice cracked from crying. His eyes were still red.

Kaoru was right. I should be making you happy�but I made it worse�

Sniffing, Die wiped at his watery eyes and continued looking at Shinya, looking at the drip connected to his wrist, looking at the screen monitoring his heartbeat, and guilt washed over him. Was Shinya trying to tell him something before leaving the apartment? Why would Shinya be so desperate as to kill himself? Die slowly pondered on the matter but soon decided to give up.

Shinya�s safe now�that�s the important thing ne�

I shouldn�t be caring why did he try to commit suicide! At least he�s still alive, still breathing�

Shinya�s hair felt soft and fine as he fingered the light brown strands falling over his forehead.

�but for who? Is it for Kaoru�or for�me?

�You know, Die�he really loves you.�

Shinya�s eyes stayed close even as Die gently traced his thin arching brows.

Do you really love me, Shinya? Then why didn�t you stop when you saw me running after you? Do you just want to make me feel bad for telling you to leave?

Baka! What if you really died? Then what would I do without you?

Suddenly nothing seemed to matter anymore except Shinya�s existence. Suddenly Die couldn�t care less that Shinya had slept with Kaoru�or if Shinya didn�t love him after all�All that mattered was he could still see Shinya everyday at rehearsals, at concerts, at photo sessions, band outings�

I�d always love him, no matter what�

Die stood up and sat down at the side of the bed, his hand reaching for Shinya�s. He folded Shinya�s petite hands in his larger ones�and sat there for a long while.

After quite some time, a half-asleep Die thought he heard someone cough. His eyes snapped open.

***

The coughs came from his chest and it hurt like hell. Shinya tried to swallow but his throat was too dry. Droplet of tears began to form at the corners of his eyes. He saw a distorted image of a man sitting beside him.

" Die�?" he croaked.

" Shinya!"

***

"Shinya!" Die eyes were wide as tears of happiness came without warning. Careful not to hurt the weaker man, he embraced him in a hug. Shinya let out a small gasp but happily let the older man cry on his shoulder for a few moments.

" Die�?"

" Yes?"

" Can I�have some water please?" Shinya asked. Quickly Die poured him a glass from the jug beside the bed. Greedily, Shinya gulped the water down.

" I�ll go call the nurse, okay?" Die said, getting up as he wiped off the tears of joy from his eyes, feeling a little embarrassed.

But Shinya held on to his hand. "Die�please stay with me for a while??" His voice was soft, almost scared�scared that Die would never come back to him again.

Die smiled, "Okay," and sat back down on the mattress. He was surprised when Shinya pulled himself up and wrapped his arms around him. Die�s body felt warm and safe and he missed it so much. Every night he slept alone, dreaming of these strong arms that protected him now�Shinya tightened his embrace.

" Would you ever forgive me?" Shinya asked, biting his lips.

Die held Shinya�s head against his chest as he stroke his hair. "I�ve already forgiven you�"

Shinya smiled and Die could almost hear it. "Thank you�thank you!" He pressed his body closer to Die�s and closed his eyes. It felt so nice, so comfortable�He wanted to stay like that forever in Die�s arms, never lost, never alone�

" I love you, Shinya�" He could smell the fragrance of Shinya�s hair mingled with the salty tang of the sea as he kissed the top of his head.

Shinya pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. Their eyes locked but Shinya felt his lids flutter shut as Die�s face moved nearer. Their lips met gently; Die pulling Shinya against him while Shinya just ambled in passion of their kiss. Soon Die had him lying on the bed, whimpering his name between kisses.

" Shinya�" His arms wrapped around his shoulders possessively. "How could I ever think I�ll let Kaoru have you�?"

" Kaoru could never have me�I already belong to you�" Shinya whispered, blushing in the Die�s shadow. "I love you."

And the moon shyly hid behind the veil of clouds as they exchanged their vows of love and sealed it with a kiss.
***************
Shinya opened his eyes to be greeted by the sight of a bunch of pink and yellow carnations before him. He blinked. Suddenly Toshiya�s grinning face popped out behind the flowers, nearly giving the drummer a heart attack.

" Toshiya!" he exhaled.

" Good morning, Shin-chan!" Toshiya chirped. He placed the flowers in the vase.

" Uh, where�s Die?" Shinya squinted. The summer�s morning was bright and cheerful, he noted with a tinge of annoyance.

" Buying breakfast," Toshiya seemed unusually happy, Shinya thought, thinking back about how the bassist almost killed him in anger. He shuddered and slid an inch lower into the blanket. "Shinya?" Toshiya bit his lips, taking a seat beside the ill man.

Shinya pulled himself into sitting position. "Toshiya�"

" I�m sorry!" They said in unison.

Shinya looked down. "I�m sorry, Toshiya�I shouldn�t have�I�It�s not Kaoru�s fault."

Toshiya opened his mouth to speak but only silence came out. Shinya looked at Toshiya and suddenly felt guilt eating him away. They sat still quietly for a while before Toshiya spoke.

" Don�t speak for that baka!" Toshiya made a serious face, scaring Shinya. Then to the young man�s surprise he laughed. He laughed softly too.

Toshiya grabbed Shinya�s hand. "I�m sorry! We�re now even!" Shinya nodded and they grinned at each other.

Just then Kaoru entered. Seeing their weird behaviour, he wondered what happened.

***

Panting, he raised on his elbows and kissed Toshiya�s nose. His heart was racing wildly and his breath was short and ragged. The blanket stuck to his skin which was damp with sweat and something else.

" Are you -still- mad at me?" Kaoru asked, stroking his lover�s hair out of his face.

The young bassist giggled, wrapping his slender arms around his neck and kissed him lightly on the lips. "A bit�" he pouted.

" Still??!" Kaoru pouted, imitating Toshiya. " I�m an old man, you know�"

Toshiya raised an eyebrow, his lips still puckered. "Mou, an old man like you can cook a nice dinner for his �wife�, can�t he?"

" Dinner?"

" Then maybe I won�t be so angry at you�"

Kaoru bend down and pressed his lips upon Toshiya�s. "Whatever you want, my love�"

***

The waves lapped against the shore gently, the moon rippling on the surface of the waters. Tiny stars dotted the black sky. Shinya leaned back against Die as he sipped the red wine, gazing up at the pretty night sky. Die played with his hair, twirling his finger around the strands as he kissed the side of his neck.

" Ne, Die-chan?" he called softly, threading his fingers with the older man�s. He turned around so that their lips brushed against each other�s lightly. Leaving Die�s lips, he found himself melting into his eyes and he blushed.

" Yes, Shin-chan?"

Shinya smiled sweetly and wrapped his arms around the guitarist�s neck, his hands bring his head close to Die�s head close his chest as he rest his cheek against the top of the red hair. " You�re so warm�"

Die smiled, stroking the drummer�s back. Shinya slid down and kissed Die again passionately. Die responded with equal enthusiasm, flicking his tongue into the young man�s mouth. His mouth tasted of the red liquor.

" I want to go for a swim�"

Die�s eyes widened in surprise. "Swim? Here? Now?"

The younger man giggled softly, nodding as tightened his embrace. Die grinned and suddenly Shinya found himself heaved up in his arms. He uttered a short gasp, clinging on to Die.

" Die!"

" What? I thought you wanted a swim!" Die kicked his shoes off and ran to the sea with Shinya in his arms. Shinya screamed when he was dumped into the water.

Die scooped a handful of salty water and splashed them on Shinya who retaliated by doing the same. Soon they were both dripping wet. Die caught Shinya�s waist in one arm and brought him close for a kiss. Shinya closed his eyes and kissed him back.

" I love you, Shinya," Die whispered. Their bodies pressed against each other.

Shinya smiled.

" I love you too, Die.