I sometimes get cold even
looking out the window. It's
kind of depressing really. It
never helps that I only look out the window when I'm longing for
something... or someone. I
used to look out this window all the time when I was trying to sort out
my feelings not so long ago. I
can't believe it took either of us so long to find out that we liked
each other, though we didn't help it any by him always teasing me and me
always pushing him away.
It amazes me
still that we finally got together, though I now know that I don't think
I would've lasted long without him anymore, especially now that I know
what it's like to have him. But...
that's the problem right now.
It's
raining.
I'm cold.
He's not
here.
Not that we
had a fight or anything, mind you, but we don't live with each other.
Heck, we've only been together for... well, today is our six
month anniversary. I don't
mind that he forgot, it's a typical guy thing to do and he is definately
the guy in this relationship.
I would've
called, and I tried, but his phone just wouldn't pick up.
He probably went to the bar or something and forgot his cell.
He does that alot.
I would call
one of the others to come over and watch a movie or something so I
wouldn't be so lonely, but I want to have him here with me.
I want to snuggle up into his chest and feel his strong arms
surround me as I breath in the familiar scent that is him.
Just thinking about him, I can faintly smell it in the air, that
masculine scent. The
lingering smell of tabacco and sweet sake.
I would cry,
because I feel so sad, but even though I am feminine to an extent, it
takes alot to make me cry, as I'm still so much a guy as well.
But, I see my expression reflected in the frosty window pane and
I swear there is never a more depressing picture.
I touch my own lips, missing the feel of his on them.
It's been so long... a couple weeks.
We don't get to see each other much out of practice, and since
the band is taking a winter break for the holidays, he and I have only
really talked on the phone at night, to tell each other
"oyasumi" and "ai shiteru".
Of course, I'd never admit it to him, but as I hang up, after I
hear the click on his end, I say "miss you..." as well.
I do miss
him.
Alot.
I hug my
knees, suddenly feeling the need for comfort.
The rain doesn't look all that bad, I decide, so I might as well
go take a walk, get out some of this before it builds up in me.
Slowly, I get up and grab a jacket, wrapping it around myself
tightly and taking my umbrella before walking out of the apartment and
into the elevator, quickly getting off at the lobby and walking into the
rain.
Only idiots
do things like this.
I'm an
idiot.
Especially
since I just walk.
No
direction.
Until I'm
lost.
I don't
panic, of course. I just
keep walking until I get to something familiar, but nothing seems that
way. I get colder and
colder and wonder why I went out in the first place.
I'm surely to die of the cold.
Die.
I can't
die... I need to see Die...
I muster up
my strength and bite the wind to keep going; besides, it can't be that
long until I can find someone or something to lead me home, right?
I pass by some cafes. I
want to go in, but I forgot my wallet and it's rude just to stay in
there for the warmth, so I keep going.
I pass by a flower shop and look at the blood red roses, and
think of Die.
It makes me
smile to think of his hair. It's
so spikey and like a Koosh ball. I
even bought a Koosh once when I was at the store thinking of him.
It sits by my bed and I pet it in the morning.
I feel like a damned sixteen year old when I do it, but I don't
care. I never really had a
childhood, so why not live it now?
Damn, it's
colder now. The rain has
turned to snow and flakes cling to my hair.
I'm starting to sense someone is following me, which is not good.
I look like a freaking girl, so I'm a target.
I quicken my pace, and I hear my pursuer call out something, but
his voice is muffled by the passing of a car.
Great, so
he's determined to catch me now.
I take that
as a signal to start running.
I run, but
my feet are numb even and it's no use as I hear him running as well and
catching up. I scream as he
grabs my arm and squeeze my eyes shut as I hit on his arm, flailing
uselessly at him until I hear a familiar voice.
"Stop
Shinya! It's me!"
I stop and
stare at him in shock. It's
Die! "Die!"
I cry out happily and throw myself at him, feeling his arms
around me I seek to be thawed out.
I feel a poking at the back of my neck and turn to see he has a
rose in his hand. "Die?"
He smiles.
"I bought this, for you, and was going to go to your apatto
to visit you, but I saw you walking by as I was in the flower shop and
followed you." He
notices I'm shivering and the icy feel of my hands.
Immediately he hugs me tighter.
"Let's go to my place and warm you up, okay?"
I smile and
nod to him. He's always
taking care of me, and I love him for it.
We walk to
his apatto, which isn't more than a block away though some back streets,
and he lets me in as he runs to the bathroom to start the water for a
hot bath. When it's ready,
he comes up to me with a towel and robe, letting me know that I can use
it. I kiss him lightly on
the check before going in and thawing out in the water.
It's a nice feel and I almost fall asleep, but Die knocks on the
door; he wants to know if I want tea.
I tell him
that yes, I do want tea, and I'll be out in a minute.
Slowly, I get up, the water draining down from my body in streams
and I take the towel to dry myself.
I
find one of Die's combs and do my hair quickly, frowning at the thought
that I can't use all my hair products to perfect it as I usually do.
Wrapping the robe around me, I smile as it smells like Die.
I lift the sleeve up to my nose and inhale deeply, closing my
eyes and smiling.
When I
finally get out, he's smiling in the kitchen with a cup of tea just for
me, as well as a nice kiss. We
sit on the couch and sip our tea slowly, wordlessly, until he brings his
hand over mine and I look up.
"Shinya...
it's been long..."
I smile and
nod. "Hai, it has been
long. I... I missed
you." I think I
blushed.
He nods.
"I missed you too."
He says and leans over to kiss me, his warm lips that I've missed
finally coming to my own once again.
We put our tea to the side and he cups my cheek, staring into my
eyes. "Six months
Shinya."
I smile.
He remembered!
He smiles at
my smile, which causes me to smile more.
I know he likes it when I smile, and he's the only one other than
my Puppy who gets to see it anymore.
"Shinya..." he says, switching to a serious look to his
eyes and I wonder if it's for good or for bad.
"Hai?"
"I... I
love you... you know that, right?"
I nod. Of course I
know that, but what is he asking? He
looks down momentarily, then looks back up to meet my eyes.
"Shinya... I... I want to prove it to you... I want
to..." My heart
quickens as I realize that he's about to ask my permission for a big
step, not only in our relationship, but in my life.
"I want to make... love... to you, if that's alright?"
He bites his lip and I soundlessly gasp.
Making
love... to Die? Die as my
first, of course, I would be happy, but... am I ready?
I look to him, and he is waiting for an answer.
I know that whatever I say, he'll still love me, right? Right.
His hand
takes hold of mine and I feel so safe.
Why not? It's Die.
I love him. And he
won't hurt me. I nod and a
smile of relief, love, and happiness washes over his face as he kisses
my hand and I blush.
The bedroom
is not far, and I got up to lift him from the couch.
He smiled and we started to kiss there, his hands in my hair and
mine on his back. His
tongue brushing against mine and making me moan.
Yes, I want him.
I NEED him.
We walk to
the bedroom, still locked at the lips.
He closes the door, even though there is no one else in the
apatto. I take off his
jacket and feel him through his shirt.
It's so warm and I want to feel underneath it.
As his lips go onto my neck, I work on his buttons.
I feel scraping of teeth on my flesh and soft pricks every so
often as he nibbles on me. I
finally get his shirt off and hold onto his pants, stopping for a
moment. "Die?"
"Hai?"
I turn my
head and take hold of his lips once again.
I can't get enough of them and I press harder and harder, pulling
him closer to me as I slip my tongue in as far as it can possibly reach
in Die's mouth. He holds me
close and our tongues play for a bit before I come out and rapidly rid
him of his pants, leaving him completely nude before me.
I breathe in
the sight of him. It's pure
beauty to me and I swear I felt a tear slip out.
I ran my hands over the muscular torso, memorizing the feel, and
brought up my hands to cup his face before kissing it some more.
I felt his fingers undo the robe's tie and then hands slidding
into it, slightly flinching as warm hands came in contact with my still
cool stomach. We both
laughed lightly at my reaction and slowly Die slid the robe off my
shoulders. I heard it
crumple to the floor below me and I could feel Die's eyes taking me in.
I felt
vulnerable, but soon Die made that feeling go away as he led me to the
bed. He slowly laid me down
and covered me with his own body as our lips met again.
His wieght
was comfortable on top of my own and I gasped as he moved.
The friction of his naked body rubbing against mine caused little
sparks in me. Die gave me a
look that said he'd do everything.
It's no secret to me that he has expirience, most people our age
do. I don't because I've
never loved anyone before, so I never had any reason to.
But, when I feel Die's lips take hold of one of my nipples, I'm
glad he's my first. His
tongue flicks at it and I moan as I feel myself grow hard in more than
one place.
My toes curl
under and my eyes shut as my mouth opens slightly, allowing passionate
sounds to come out. His
mouth works it's way to the other one and I cry out as he nips at it.
He's such a tease, always. I
feel his hand go between my legs and suddenly wrap around my penis.
I gasp and arch up without trying.
His fingers are moving slowly and I feel as though all the blood
in my body is rushing there, which would mean alot of blood because my
heart is beating so fast by now I think my chest will explode.
"Die!"
I cry out and whimper as he rubs at my tip, his mouth now moving
down my stomach and to my navel. He
kisses around it before slipping his tongue in.
I gasp as
the moist object comes in contact and squirm from the funny, yet
arousing feeling. He keeps
licking in that general area for a while as his hand works at my length.
I arch up as I feel his hand pumping me.
I can't open my eyes even if I wanted to and my moans are so loud
that I'm glad these apartment walls are thick.
I feel so much, a throbbing in there, like I can feel my pulse
there, but, suddenly it's gone.
I cry out
and force open my eyes. Die
is reaching for something, a little tube.
He gets it and coats his fingers with it.
I blink at him and he smiles.
"To make it easier."
He explains.
I nod, but
no idea why he puts it on his fingers until his mouth suddenly envelops
me and I feel him lifting me up slightly, his fingers teasing at my ass
hole. I moan as I feel his
tongue swirl around me, but suddenly scream as I feel him push his
fingers inside of me and spread my hole.
It doesn't hurt too much, but it was so unexpected!
He sucks harder on me and his fingers burrow deeper.
I'm
breathing so hard now that I think I'm going to pass out.
I arch into his mouth and thrust into it, aching for more and
whimpering as he only does the opposite.
I'm about to protest when suddenly, I feel an electric shock and
I jolt up. Die starts
sucking again and I feel his fingers push in again, and that jolt occurs
again.
It feels so
good and I moan out Die's name repeatedly, begging to have that spot hit
again and he does! I
shudder as I feel myself almost ready to burst, but he draws away again.
I open my
eyes and see that he is applying the liquid to his own erection.
He smiles and caps the bottle before coming up to my lips again.
We kiss heatedly and when we part, we're forehead to forehead.
"Enjoying?" I
nod. "This might
hurt... do you want to continue?"
I nod.
"I want you..." We
kiss again and he spreads my legs wide.
I wrap them around his waist almost instinctively and he smiles
at me, placing a kiss on my forehead and slowly pushing himself into me.
I scream loudly and grab onto his shoulders.
He's started to kiss my neck and I feel him going deeper and
deeper within myself.
It hurts,
but it feels good at the same time.
I don't know what to feel until he hits that spot again.
It feels so much better with his penis than with the fingers and
I moan stongly, hugging Die as he pulls out slightly and pushes back in.
He does that
over and over. I cry out
his name and he still kisses my neck and shoulders as his hand finds my
penis once again and strokes it. I
throw my head back and feel him nibble at my throat as he speeds up
everywhere. Suddenly, my
body freezes and I feel an explosion as my vision goes white and I grip
onto Die tighter, hugging him strongly and shaking as I'm released.
As my senses
come back, I feel his teeth in my neck and a strange warm feeling
spreading within me.
Soon, all
that can be heard is our panting and we both slowly open our eyes, Die
pulling out of me. I
collapse onto the bed and he follows suit, brushing my sweaty bangs out
of my hair. I smile.
"Ai shiteru..."
He nods.
"Ai shiteru." And
he kisses me quickly.
We lay there
for a while until Die speaks up in that serious tone again and I'm
afraid. Maybe it was true
that the moment you gave in the relationship was over?
I held back
tears and asked what it was.
"Shinya...
we barely see each other... anou..."
No... he's going to break up with me.
I start to cry and he looks confused.
"Shinya, what's wrong?"
"You
don't love me? You want me
to leave?"
"Iie!"
He hugs me. "Shin-chan!
What I mean to say is... I want to see you more!"
He lifts my face and I stare at him.
"Live with me?" He
asks.
I gasp and
smile. Live with him?
I nod happily and hug him.
We fell
asleep like that, without any other words.
The next morning, we started to move my things.
I never regretted that night and never again felt cold when it
rained or snowed. And now,
looking at early morning frost even gives me a reason to smile.
