(Lyrics by Nirvana)
"Justin, stop the shit!", JC warned and shot an angry look at him.
"But I am right!", he complained.
He still hold on Joey's arm, but slowly lowered his grip with the rising fear, that uncurled in his hot veins. The guys had caught him. Chris, Josh and Lance stood in a circle around him, eyes sparkling in anger and fists clinching and trembling.
"Get the fuck off of him!", Chris yelled and tried to pull Justin away from Joey.
"NO! That Italian bastard has to learn his lection!"
"What the-"
"Quiet!"
Justin pushed Chris away forcefully and turned to look into Joey's face again. Tears started to run down the darker man's cheeks and he sniffed.
"Stop crying bastard! What the hell are you? A ho?"
He rammed his knee into Joey's stomach and watched him grinning, sink moaning down onto the ground.
"I don't want to hurt you Justin, but-"
Joey was silented by the middlefinger, that Justin showed him proudly and then let himself fell down on his knees next to him, on the thik carpet.
"YOU want to hurt me? You are way too STUPID to hurt me! Go home Joey!!! Go home, back to your fucking Italy and never ever come back! Nobody needs you here!"
He grabbed Joey by his hair and pulled him forcefully closer to his sweety head.
"Not me, meither the guys. Nobody. Just leave!"
His hate filled eyes wandered up and down Joey's body, he spit into his face and then was suddenly pulled back by Lance's and JC's strong arms.
"Get out of here you damned racist!"
They grabbed his limbs and dragged him out of the room, trying not to hurt their friend too bad and then banged down the door in front of his face.
"Are you OK, Joey?", whispered Chris.
The crying man said nothing, he just sobbed and sunk shivering into his arms.
~~~~~
Justin walked smiling along the dark and wet street, the nails, that decorated the soles of his shoes constantly klicking against the shimmering concrete. His dark eyes wandered along the houses, past rubbish cans and over shivering homeless people. The icy wind crawled under his jacket and bit into his blank chest. To distract himself somehow, he turned on his discman and continued the lonely walk.
I'm so happy, because today
I've found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's OK, cause so are you
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care
And I'm not scared
LIght my candles in a daze
Cause I've found god- hey, hey, hey
He stopped next to a puddle and looked deeply into the dirty water. He tried hardly to make out his face, but the moon, that shimmered though the thik mist, spent too less light for his eyes to see.
The match flickered dangerous and lightened Justin's young and innocent face. He knelt down in front of the water, looked at it, stared into the water, but the raindrops, that started to fall from the sky like tears, broke his mirror image in front f his eyes.
I'm so lonely, but that's okey I shaved my head
And I'm not sad
And just maybe, I'm to blame for all I've heard
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there
But I don't care
I'm so horny, but that's OK
My will is good- hey hey hey
His hand slipped through his short hair and he grinned. Just a fwe weeks ago, he had decided to shave his curls away, with the will to show everybody in this world, was kind of person he was, to show everybody his opinion. He wasn't the cute puppy boy anymore. He was 21, he was a grown up, he could take his own decisions.
And his decision was, that he hated everything, that didn't have the white skin, he owned and that he was so proud of. He rubbed his scull with it's blank skin and hoped the wind wouldn't blow too cold.
He knew he was strong, he was pretty aware of it and Joey was, Justin decided, the first person, that had to become to feel all his power, all his anger and hate.
And just because he was a tiny bit darker than himself.
I like it- I'm not gonna crack
At first, Justin liked Joey. Through all the years together, Joey was the bandmate, the friend and the guy, sleeping next to your room and beeing always there for you.
Then he decided he wanted his own opinion to things and of course, didn't want to make exceptions, didn't want to break his own rules and all in all, didn't want to talk to Joey anymore. Didn't want to come along with his afro-american bodyguards, didn't want to talk Gangster slang anymore, his new vocabulary involved words like 'Black bullshit', 'Mexican bastards' or simply 'Nigger' and most of all, he didn't want to know Joey anymore.
I miss you- I'm not gonna crack
"Goddamn, actually why?", he suddenly sobbed, when old memories of him and Joey laughing and fooling around together flashed back to his mind and he put his hands in front of his face, trying to hide his tears.
'Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry!!!!!', it nailed through his head and made his skull hurt terribly.
"Not now Justin!", he cursed himself.
"Be strong. You don't need this bastard. He is ITALIAN, dude!"
Tears splashed down on the knife, that he loved so much and sometimes watched it for hours, reflecting the light and hold it now unsecurely in his trembling hands. He rubbed the tears fast with his sleeve away and looked back the way, where he had just come from.
I love you- I'm not gonna crack
He turned around slowly, boots scratching on the concrete, looked down the sidewalk with dull eyes and then walked , first hesistating, step by step his way back. The smile returned on his face, the closer he came to the hotel and the closer he came to the guys, closer to Joey. He slipped the knive back into the leatherpiece, that held it secure in the inside of it and then let his hand rest on it.
'Beautiful knive', he though deep in his head.
"You pretty little thing."
He stopped in front of Joey's door in the apartment, licked his lips nervously and lit a cigarette. With a smile, plastered in his face, he leaned against the door frame and inhaled the bitter smoke, not caring that it hurted in his lungs, and not spendign just a tiny thought on the guys and Johnny, that had disallowed him to smoke and drink. And actually he really hated smoking, he just did it, because it calmed him down and the smoke felt good, uncurling in his mouth and on his tongue.
His walkman was turned off, but the last phrase of the song he had heard still hung deep in his brain.
I kill you- I'm not gonna crack
He opened the door to Joey's room, looked into it angrily and tears shot into his burning eyes again, when he spotted his best friend, crying in a corner.