| Do you know what it feels like to never be able to say the way you truly feel, because you're too scared to? Because everybody thinks your opinion is not right, your friends will tell you to change and won't accept you the way you are? The worst thing in that situation is you can't even change yourself, you'd love to, but it's like you would want to change the color of your eyes. Sure, you can put contacts on your eyes, but they are just fake, it's not the real you and sooner or later you will have to take them off again and then everybody can see who you really are. Well, I've been living in this situation for over a year now and it all begun when I realised I wasn't like the others... Me and the guys hung around in Joey's room, Justin begging for the Whisky, Joey shared with everyone (except of Justin) or trying to steel something from our glasses. He just wouldn't want to accept the little fact that he was the youngest and couldn't do what he wanted to, was an irresponsible teenager and wasn't able to take care of himself. We all loved to get on his nerves with that, but then he'd complain how old and boring we were and that he was forced to share his innocent life of youth and freedom with such uncreative, pity needing creatures as me and the three other guys. But we all just fooled around, I guess. At this night something strange happened to me, something I hoped never to think about. Joey laid on his bed and told smiling about a girl he had met a few weeks ago. We all listened to him, Lance with jealousness, Justin only amazed, Chris thinking about a comment to embarrass him and well... me... I don't know what I thought. I probably just listened, because all the others did so or maybe I had nothing better to do right at the moment. And suddenly this thought crept out of the blue into my mind and wouldn't let me rest the whole night. Why did Joey have a new girlfriend, why did Justin flirt with every fan over 15 years, why was Lance sad, because he ain't have no lover and why did Chris have a strong, never seeming to end relationship? Why I didn't long for a girl to cuddle into to, why I never went into a disco with the thought of getting a lap dance from some horny woman and then I just noticed my hands were shaking. "Jace, are you OK?", Chris asked worried and put a hand on my forehead to test if I had fever. I jumped, looked up surprised and snapped out of my little world. "Yeah, I just... don't feel too good. Excuse me for a minute..." A wave of panic swapped over me, I stood up fast and hurried out of the room with the guys looking after me confused. the door closed silently behind me, I stood all alone in the dim light of the hallway and stared off into space. I don�t exactly know how long I stood there, but it sure was no fun, a million question seemed to torture me and I soon decided going back inside before they came to get me. I felt all eyes on me when I opened the door again and took a few steps into Joey�s room. �You are pale.�, Justin noticed and tapped the spot next to him on the mattress. �Come here and relax for a while." That didn�t sound too bad to me, so I walked over to the bed where Justin was laying, sat myself down next to him and yawned. �You sure you�re OK?�, Justin whispered soon into my ear, as Joey had started telling about his girl again. His hot breath hit the skin on the side of my head, I shivered harder, a goose bump crept up my arms and I swallowed hard. �I think so.� He was so close it was scaring me, I inhaled his scent, wanted to be able to remember this wonderful moment forever and suddenly felt ashamed. What did I do here? I wanted to throw up, wanted to run and hide in a dark corner, because I just realised I had fallen in love with one of my best friends. ~*~ I laid all alone on my bed in the icy room, my eyes fixed on the ceiling and my hands gripping the cold fabric of my sheet. Sweat pearled down my face and I thought I felt a hundred eyes watching me out of the dark. �What just happened?�, I whispered to myself with a shaky voice. The events of my dream slowly came back into my mind� �Justin, I need to tell you something.� I shifted nervously from one feet to the other one, scratched my head and bit my lower lip. He turned to me, looked me up and down and nodded. �Sure Josh. What is it?� Joey watched the two of us from the couch, I hardly could make him out through the silver fog, but he was the only one in the group with the black beard. Justin suddenly shook me at my shoulders, looked at me with his wonderful blue eyes and I remembered again, what I wanted to say. �Justin, as you know� I � uhm� haven�t had a girlfriend in quite a long time.� He nodded, looked at me seriously and urged me to continue. I wasn�t sure how he would react, if I told him my feeling toward him. Would he look at me in anger, turn away and walk out of my life? Would he wrap his lovely soft arms around me and whisper all my dreams and wishes into my ear? Probably he would beat me up, get the rest of the guys, tell them what I just had said and then they�d kill me? I had no clue and I would of never find out, if I didn�t do this tonight. �I think I know the reason,� why I don�t feel so attracted by girls.� He laughed, shook his head while looking down, but calmed down quite quickly again. �What do you mean? Are you gay or what?� His eyes flashed dangerously, when I didn�t tell him he was wrong and suddenly I was surrounded by my four best friends, or may I say ex-friends. �JC, tell me this is not true!� �I�m sorry, Justin.� I looked down ashamed, tears rising in my eyes and anger uncurling in my stomach. Why couldn�t I just shut my damn mouth? Four pairs of blood red eyes stared at me, they came closer and I was smashed down by a fist in my face. I felt a salty liquid in my mouth, spit it out and blood came dripping down my lips. There was no chance on getting on my legs again, they kicked me, spat words that hurt more than their fists at me and before the pain could numb all my feeling darkness fell over my eyes, their voices disappeared slowly in the background and the noise faded into silence. That�s when I woke up. That�s when I woke up and decided I may never tell Justin, Lance or whoever my feelings towards a specific sex. And that�s what I did the rest of the night. Laying in my bed, feeling lonely, hating myself for what I felt and deciding to hide the fact I was gay as good as possible from everyone in the whole wide world. As I tossed and turned in my bed and wished the morning to come fast another thought crept slowly into my mind. What if he felt the same? What if Justin wasn�t the perfect guy he always pretended to be? I think I didn�t sleep much that night. I thought about everything. Being different wasn�t a crime, that was sure. But people don�t like difference, they fear it and try to keep it as far away from them as possible. You can say as much as you want, it�d be like you stuffed a criminal into a crowd of little girls. He�s not the same as the girls, thinks and acts different and the girls will avoid contact with him forever. Various thoughts swept through my head, but I don�t want to mention all of them, god knows what you�d think of my and my the way, if you collected all these thoughts, you could write a book, twice the size of the bible. When sun started rising and I still hadn�t been able to close an eye, what is pretty unfamiliar for me, I just gave it up, stood up, dressed and looked out of my window. The world looked different now. It wasn�t the most peaceful place in universe anymore, it was full of lies and secrets and I would soon become one of those criminals or misfits who had made it what it is. Hell on earth. ~*~ I stood behind the stage, peaking up from behind the covers to the place where we soon would be performing. The lights still weren�t fixed on the stage, so I had a great view at the audience. I didn�t think I could see them while we were performing, so I took my chance now to get a better look at them. Girls. A lot of young girls, talking, staring at the dark stage or just waiting. Suddenly I felt a hot breathe on my neck and jumped slightly. �Looking for hot chicks?�, I hear him whispering behind me. I lowered my eyes to the ground, knowing I couldn�t lie at Justin, but neither tell him that I actually never really looked after �chicks�. �Nah, just checking the audience.� �Pretty large, huh?� He leaned on my shoulders from behind, also looked at the crowd and I could smell him next to me. Did he know about me and only wanted to torture me? A fast glare on my watch told me we still had twenty minutes left, so I inhaled, swallowed hard and felt my eyes watering. When did I start acting like this? I don�t know when this little point came, but I think after a little time I got used to my situation and slowly accepted my feelings. I didn�t want to hate myself, that�s really no fun. The bad thing was, I wasn�t sure, if the guys thought the same, if they were like �just be happy� or� I didn�t know and I actually didn�t even want to think of it. �Sometimes I wish we could perform in front of a thousand 20 years old women, without our mothers watching us and without any cameras or something. God, I think I would rip off my shirt and give them the best show of their life!� �It�s OK Justin.� I couldn�t suppress my chuckle anymore. �Just keep on dreaming.� He looked at me, pouted, gave me those puppy dog eyes again and leaned in closer. �Don�t you think we could manage this??? Come on JC, I know you�d like it!� �Yeah�� His eyes looked into mine, I felt horrible butterflies in stomach and looked at the stage again. �This would be wonderful.� Did he buy it? I tried to sound convinced, but didn�t know if it worked with him. Well, I inhaled his scent, closed my eyes and concentrated on the sounds around me,� around us. There was nothing much to hear but the talking of our audience. Then, when I hold still and moved not half an inch I though I could hear Justin breathe in this more or less hurting noise. �What do you think of Josh?� A goose bump run up my spine, his voice was so close it was scaring me. �I try to calm down.� I felt his head nod on my shoulder and opened my eyes again. �Do think Brit will come?� All my thoughts were blacked out. Brit. God, I prayed for her not to come. I was not sure if the two were �together�, he never told us, but I guess they were. Everybody could tell at the looks they gave each other, the way they talked, just the little twinkle in Justin�s eyes when he told us about her. I wished I had somebody to tell about my feelings, too, but I guess there�ll nobody but me and only myself. �Probably�, I forced myself to answer. �Do you like her?� �The question is if YOU like her. I like all friends of my friends.� The warmth on my back faded, he went off of my shoulders and now slowly walked up to a wood step and sat down. I thought he wanted to get something out, cause he looked nervously at his hands then bit his nails and his eyes were fixed on the floor. I�ve kind of studied him the last time, knew all his behaviours and could read him like a book. This was really entertaining and I was proud of myself, cause not even Lance, the mind reading one could feel with him like this. When my thoughts came to Lance and mind reading I froze. What if he could read me like I read Justin and then one day would come up to me and wanted to talk about having a crush on one of my bandmates. I don�t think this was only a crush. This was much more. I didn�t want to think of that right now, I didn�t want to speak it out loud but still knew 100% that someday I would confess it to myself, then to someone else and in the end I�d stand in front of Justin stuttering about something he might of never understand. �Uhm Josh?� I looked at him slowly and tried to read his thoughts, but it didn�t want to work this time. His eyes still were fixed on the ground, how was I supposed to read a book, if I couldn�t even make out the letters? �Yeah?� �Do you think.. I-� �SHOWTIME!!!!� Chris came running down the hall, hopped around me, threw his arms into the air and just after I blinked he was off down the hallway again. �What was that?� Justin started laughing, his eyes twinkled in this wonderful way again and I grinned. We looked at each other and I suddenly found myself staring into his blue eyes, shining like diamonds or like the waterdrops on green leaves on a foggy morning in fall. Gosh, why did I never realise how beautiful he was. Now I knew what these girls out there were thinking. �Let�s get this done, man.� I stretched my hand out, he grabbed it and I helped him up to his feet. Lance and Joey came up to us now. They just had appeared out of the blue. This is scary how much I forgot the world around myself. �You two ready?� Me and Justin nodded and I thought I could hear Chris yells somewhere down the hall. Fast footsteps were heard, he suddenly appeared from behind the corner and we were complete. I looked at my four friends, we took each other hands and stepped closer to each other. I closed my eyes, felt my forehead pressed against Lance�s and smelt the warm breath of him and I think that big guy next to me was Joey. We listened to his soft prayer, then kicked that hookie sack around and looked nervous up to the stage, when our names were called out and the audience started screaming horribly loud. |
| C'est la vie (You can't change me) |