Author: Greydon Creed 
Title: Rescue Me
Reader: A. Aaronson



Now, I started watching BtVS in the middle of season
2, back when the whole Buffy/Xander relationship was
being seriously dangled and, as a result, I've grown
up as a bit of a closet B/X shipper, so when 'Rescue
Me' came in I made sure I was the person to give
feedback on it. 

The plot
The storyline, in and of itself, is good and dramatic.
Once the premise is in place the plot is simple and
straightforward, all the scenes drive the story
onwards and the heroes are placed in real danger. In
getting the premise in place, however, the story
relies on a lot of plot devices that aren't really
properly accounted for, for example, everyone else who
could have helped happening to have left town for that
weekend and Xander happening to have a previously
unmentioned gun-happy relative. While I see how this
creates the desired situation it feels too artificial
to be convincing. 

On another small note, when I read that Buffy said:

"I'll tell you what.  The day that I get deep into
trouble and you have to blast your way in and bail me
out, not only will I let you rescue me, I'll even give
you a kiss to thank you,"

I figured that this was going to be pretty much the
plot. Though you do refer back to this later for good
reason, when the reader sees it, it's still going to
make him switch off.


Characterisation
On the topic of that last line from the way it's
written it doesn't make it clear that Buffy is being
flippant or joking and so it reads as being seriously
flirty.

The primary character of the piece is Xander and so
his characterisation is the most important, especially
as the story is written from his first person
perspective. For the first few scenes I found the
story's portrayal of Xander very close to the series,
noticing exactly how much of Buffy's thigh is exposed,
exactly how the sweat looks on her, playing video
games in his spare time. He wants to be a hero, he
wants to be able to protect others. The whims of fate
though made him an ordinary person, but that doesn't
apply in a virtual world. I particularly liked the
self-referential comments about avoiding been thrown
against walls and learning to duck for cover.
Unfortunately, as the action proper begins Xander
stops being Xander and starts becoming an action hero.
He wants to be a hero and has some commando instincts
from Halloween but that's not enough to explain why
he's so very casual, not only about strapping on some
heavy duty ordinance but then using it to blow vamps
apart. Xander would feel things, a thrill when he saw
himself looking so dangerous, anxious when it comes to
his first combat and not so very at ease with tying
people up and torturing them for information. Xander
is brave in his own way, his mere involvement with the
Slayer is evidence of that, but this is not his way of
being brave. He's inexperienced and young and
sometimes reckless with his own life and he doesn't
plan ahead. He's not the consummate professional. He
could still do pretty much everything he does here but
the manner he would approach it and what he would feel
after it would be very different.


Writing style
There are a couple of points to be made here. One of
BtVS's strong points is the banter that goes back and
forth between the characters, the story however uses
too much exposition in its dialogue which gives a lot
of the conversations, rather than being natural, a
feeling that they're designed just to give the reader
the necessary information. There's an amount of
exposition in the text as well and, as much as the
specifics of the computer games and the firearms
demonstrate that you know you're stuff, they can be
detailed too closely. The specs of Xander's firepower
might be worth a mention when he equips himself but
later on the references interrupt the flow of the
action sequences. The back story of Uncle Tim and the
computer games are of reasonable significance but a
large chunk of text about it might bore the reader. It
might be better to allow to significant details to
emerge in a different fashion or break them up to
occur with actual events, for example rather than
being told that Uncle Tim is a gun-nut you could
describe the inside of his armoury, perhaps in
contrast to the rest of his mundane and innocent
looking house. The other point is that the story is
written from Xander' perspective, which means most of
the text (especially the more introspective stuff) has
to sound as though Xander himself were describing it,
it has to have his 'voice'. Dark Xander feels to have
been introduced to allow Xander to talk through
problems in his solo scenes, but DX's personality is
far too separate (he came across as a grizzled army
veteran) to really be convincing as Xander's inner
voice. I think he could be a good idea but not for
this story as there really wasn't the need for him,
Xander only has one or two scenes of significance on
his own. He isn't used to bring out how Xander feels
about events (which is something the inner self could
be expected to know) rather he's a smug superior,
somehow knowing the correct answer before Xander
himself does. 

If you want to work on your writing style more closely
I suggest you try and find a beta-reader willing to
help. You can find a list of some of them in the BtVS
writer resources page accessible through the Fic
Feedback links page.

I did like the fact that you included the alternate
chapter. If you had included it in the main text then
the entire story would have to have an NC-17 slapped
on it, which would reduce the number of people who
would be willing to read it. As it is, it allows
prudish mines to enjoy a simple kiss while the B/X
shippers get a little treat at the end.