souled for you. You figured it out the way you had to in order to keep going, but that doesn't mean that the way you wrote it is the way it is. Getting my soul back didn't make me love you any more than I already did. Couldn't have, actually. It was about trying to be less of a monster. Because you couldn't love me that way, and also because I thought I'd already become more of a man, and it turned out I hadn't. And that I wanted to. But I'm not going to let you off the hook for why your feelings for me, and mine for you, were such a struggle for you.
Enough about that ancient history.
Finally, you have to know that the thing that kept me going in that cave with the First and its minions doing their worst, was knowing that you believe in me. What I've done for you is so negligible next to what I've done to you, and yet you can offer me a gift as precious as your faith. It's...beyond what I can describe. Thank you.
This letter was difficult to begin, and now it's difficult to end. I guess in a way, if I keep writing, you'll have to keep reading, and that will put off the time when I'm really gone. I miss you. That sounds crazy, a particular specialty of mine of late, but being where you're not, how could I not miss you? Just thinking about being away from here and you makes me feel empty. So, I won't think about it, and I'll try to pull together what last few things I want to say.
Know what an inspiration you've been to everyone around you.
Know that none of them ever expected you to be perfect.
Know that if people walk out of your life, it's because they're bleedin' idiots, not because there's anything wrong with you.
Let people take care of you sometimes.
Be honest about what you feel ~ honest with yourself and your friends. Sometimes they go in circles trying to figure you out.
Let those goldilocks of yours grow...you're always so beautiful, but never more so than with your hair shining down over your shoulders. It was like having a handful of sunlight...
Remember that Dawn still needs to be reminded that you notice her and that she's special. Kids are that way, needing reinforcement and all.
I can't help hoping you might remember the few good things between us more than the rest of it.
As ever ~
Spike
p.s. Keep any of my things, either in your house or at my crypt that you might want, or pitch them all if that appeals to you. And give Little Bit a pick if she'd like anything for herself. There's a fussy fountain pen in a box under my cot that belongs to Giles...he'll be surprised to see it again. |
