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| Immortal, Cont'd |
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| The end... After everything, she'd really come to think he was truly immortal. Not just the live-an-indeterimate-time-that-might-stretch-to-forever-immortal, but couldn't-be-killed-immortal. She'd taken it for granted. But one-by-one, the survivors had emerged from the school, Buffy last of all ~ without him. And in his loss, she'd had to again adjust her feelings for him. Because this was GONE-gone. And by |
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| choice, but for an undisput- selfless, dusty vampire! How did his sacrifice before? It gave her some trouble was that time, and were supposed to bring a just couldn't seem to find it. again, but in whole new She thought of him all the of them had reached out to time ~ that she'd been less complacent in the face of She wished that she at least But she'd carefully purged anything that might have worship and their eventual She wished...she even come to terms with his she had. Then again, she about him ~ had awakened nightmare or two concern- Though Buffy was much feelings, and being less she was grateful for the unique relationship that it there with Spike. Now she they were that summer betrayal. In the end, he'd So, she grieved for him, around and see his bleached the cherry of his cigarette ness under her window. |
| edly noble purpose. Stupid, change any of what came perspective, maybe. The "perspective", and maturity certain peace. And she She was angry all over ways. time. She wished that one the other while there was petty or that he'd been less her seeming indifference. had some momento of him. her personal belongings of smacked of her earlier hero bond forged in love and loss. wished that Buffy hadn't being gone quite so easily as knew that her sister dreamed her from the throes of a ing his end. better about sharing her own judgey in return...and though change...she missed that seemed had always been could remember the way without the bitterness of made up for that. constantly expecting to turn head over her shoulder, or burning a hole in the dark- She knew she needed to let |
| My Immortal ~ Evanescence |
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| I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me |
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| him go, but...what did that mean anyway? He was gone, and how could she be okay with that? Any more than she could be okay with all the others...except Spike -- with him it was even worse. Because, in the end, he was the one being in all the world she'd really expected would always be there, come what may. And she'd been wrong about that, twice now. In a world where nothing is certain, nothing can really last, what does one use for a foundation? Not parents, not superhero sister, not immortal vampire-friend-protector.... She'd struggled with missing him, and with self-recrimination for not making things right with him, for months. Until a girlfriend, the daughter of an employee at the US Embassy, and a schoolmate, had loaned her a CD. She'd listened to it casually, flipping as she did so through an Italian fashion magazine. But when she got to the track that seemed to have been written for her, alone, the rest of the world fell away. The words induced a revelation, as she lay there on her bed, headphones firmly affixed, tears streaming from her eyes. She suddenly understood that some of the essence of growing up was learning to live with your sorrows unresolved ~ absorbing your damage into the saddlebags that are your life, and continuing the journey. Her feelings for Spike weren't ever going to be tied up with a nice tidy bow, so that she could then go back to being regular old Dawn. Her foundation had to be herself, something she now recognized as inherently impermanent: someone new was born each time she knew a joy or a heartbreak ~ someone into the fiber of whose being had been woven the emotional and physical sensations of those highs and lows ~ someone that hadn't existed before because the parts that carried those experiences hadn't been fashioned yet. Those monks may have made her, and given to her and everyone around her a lot of memories to make it seem that she'd been there all along. But because they'd chosen to make her human, and not a ficus or an amoeba, they hadn't left behind a completed work. So, in a way, Spike would always be a part of her, not in that hackneyed way that everyone said when there was a death, because you "carry the memories." But because over and over again, he had helped to forge her into her new self. And even though she couldn't stay this Dawn forever either, no one could ever take away what he'd been for, and to and with her. For good and for ill, she was herself, because of him, and everyone else that had ever caused her to love or laugh or suffer. She wept for a long time, tears of exhausted gratitude that she had at last figured out that she didn't have to "get over" her heartaches, as long as she didn't let them hold her back, or make her less than she had been. As long as she made sure that what happened to her ultimately built on what was there before, it was all okay, and happening the way it was supposed to. So, in the end, even with all the missed opportunities and the regrets, she would always be Spike's Nibblet. And he would always be her Immortal. |
| This story nominated at: |
| Acknowledgements ~ - Thanks to WeBoB-er PJzallday for her beta. Check out her website...it's very cool! (For those not in the know, WeBoB stands for We Band of Buggered, a YahooGroup of Spike fans) |
| ~ fin ~ |
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