NEW HAVEN - It was announced this morning by the New Haven Ghetto 
Thugs that the week 5 New York Mets Underachiever of the Week Award 
went to running back Mike Alstott. The award was presented by Mets 
first baseman Mo Vaughn who commented, "I pity the fool who coaches 
this team!" 

Alstott contributed an impressive 0 points with his 9 rushing yards 
and 6 receiving yards.  Coach Stanley had challenged the spot after 
one of Alsott's runs hoping to gain the extra yard and one more point 
for the team, but referee Harold Reynolds (you know who I mean) 
disagreed.
In other Ghetto Thugs news, Stanley announced that there will be no 
more Subway sandwiches for the team as last week's treat apparently 
went to running back Lamar Smith's head (or ass), as he contributed 
a season-low 5 points.

When asked about the G-Thugs' 1-4 performance thus far this year, 
Coach Jeff responded, "It's just embarrassing right now.  I'm looking 
ahead to week 7.  LA is the only team in this league that I think we 
can compete with.  But who knows, they'll probably go into that week 
on a 2-game winning streak and destroy us."  New Haven visits the 4-1 
North Adams S&M's next week.

In related news, Chris Mortensen has reported that rumors are 
floating around the KFL offices that the Ghetto Thugs may move new 
season.  It seems that New Haven is a crappy enough city and they 
don't need a losing football team to add to the pile.  Stanley had 
no comment on the move, although he did agree that New Haven 
certainly is a crappy city.