5/22/03
NEW HAVEN - New Haven Traffic Cones GM Jeff Stanley continued to shock 
the NECBEL today as he approved the trade of injured keeper Randy 
Johnson to the Woosta Pimp Roostas.  In return, the Cones received 
Montreal closer Rocky Biddle.

"I guess I just got frustrated with Randy this season.  This team has 
invested a lot into him and he's really disappointed this season.  
Even before he went under the knife, his production was pitiful and 
we just can't handle anymore wasted space on the bench.  I had already 
determined that he would not be a keeper at the end of this season, 
especially with the effectiveness of our all-closer rotation and 
all.  I mean sure, Biddle plays in Canada, but well, his name is 
Rocky, so that's gotta be worth something, right?  Anyone?  Right?  
Bueller?  No?  OK, screw you guys..."

Johnson could not be reached for comment, although rumors have been 
circling the Cones' clubhouse that he was aware of his loss of keeper 
status and was going out of his way to be a thorn in Stanley's side.

Conversely, Yankees closer Mariano Rivera, who has also been rumored 
to have lost his keeper status has been showing efforts to pick up his 
production recently.  Neither Rivera nor Stanley had any comments on 
the rumors, apart from stating that it was way to early in the season 
to be discussing keepers.

Along with the trade, Stanley also executed several hair-brained free 
agent moves in an apparent attempt to, well, win.  Along with Biddle, 
thus far this week freshly ironed Cones jerseys were handed out to 
Vinny Castilla, Eric Byrnes and former Cone Edgardo Alfonzo.  Stanley 
anticipates more roster moves later in the week.

In other news, the Traffic Cones' parent company, Yelnats, Inc. has 
announced it will be moving its home offices from Connecticut to 
Florida in the coming week.  Stay tuned for further information 
regarding the move, in the coming days.