4/23/03
New Haven - New Haven Traffic Cones Coach Stanley finally held his 
weekly press conference this afternoon, two days later than usual.  
Stanley attributed the delay to "doing stuff."

Late last week Stanley did find the time, however, to classify his 
team's efforts as "the worst ever."  The week's final tally, however, 
revealed that, while still loosing, the Cones did manage to avoid 
their worst performance ever, actually losing a fairly close series 
to Speedway.

As the fourth week of the season gets under way, the 12-15 Cones injury 
troubles mount.  Keeper ace Randy Johnson is the fourth Cone to be 
placed on the DL.  Two other keepers, Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter 
are already on the DL, joining top pick Rob Nen, making four total 
keeper-quality players who have instead opted to play on Yelnats, Inc.'s 
wheelchair baseball team, set to debut during this summer's Special 
Olympics.  Some have complained that it is unfair that Stanley's 
wheelchair baseball team is stacked with so many potential all-stars, 
but Special Olympics judges allowed the team, citing the players' 
performances thus far this year are on par with other Special 
Olympics competitors such as Michael Moore, Jaime Kennedy, Andy Dick, 
Christina Aguilera, France, Kathy Griffin, Warren Sapp, Vin Diesel, 
and the Dixie Chicks.

That said, here's the Cone's week four lineup:
C - Mike Matheny - A 6 RBI week makes Matheny the first T-Cone catcher 
to start consecutive weeks
1B - Rafael Palmeiro - No surprise here
2B - Jeff Kent - With a name like Jeff, how can you go wrong?
3B - Ty Wigginton - Right now, Alfonzo ain't much better
SS - Rafael Furcal - A satisfactory Jeter replacement
OF - Shannon Stewart - Doing well, but it'd be nice if he hit some out
OF - Hideki Matsui - Godzilla continues to be clutch despite a diet 
of raw fish and rice
OF - Jim Edmonds - Pattern of inconsistency says this should be a big 
week for the veteran
OF - Raul Mondesi - 4 dingers last week makes this a no-brainer
CI - Derrek Lee - Rackin' up the RBI
MI - Alex Gonzalez - Hits well when he plays
Util - Chipper Jones - He's gotta start hitting soon...right?
Util - Rondell White - Will this new Cone continue his hot streak?
RP - Keith Foulke - 3 pitchers on the DL works to Foulke's advantage
RP - Ugueth Urbina - You think they miss him in Boston?
RP - Mike MacDougal - As long as the Royals win...
RP - Jose Jimenez - 4 ER in 2 IP, but umm, 1 save
RP - John Smoltz - So who decided to bench this guy last week, anyway?
RP - Jorge Julio - Is that pronounced G-orge or Hor-hey?