JOKES

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sorry... don't have any decent jokes up here just yet... and when I get some more, I'll start putting them in separate pages etc. so please... bear with me!!

Baby Boy
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later
delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of
that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Fire Dog
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

Then a third child brought the argument to a close...

"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

You Might Be A Bad Driver If...

- You've ever changed a full set of clothes and/or re-done your makeup while on the freeway.

- You slow down when coming to green lightss... and speed up on yellow.

- You take your eyes off the road and both hands off the steering wheel to help your passenger put on their seat belt while driving 65 MPH down the freeway.

- You rear end someone at a stop light and then jump out screaming, "Whiplash!!!"

- You use your knees for steering more thann your hands.

- The police department knows your plate nuumber by heart.

- You think red lights & stop signs aree a suggestion.

- You replace your airbag more often than yyour oil.

- You walk into traffic court and everyone shouts out your name.

- You get pulled over for drunk driving andd you are stone sober.

- Curb? What curb?

- You are the only car in the parking lot aand you STILL hit a light pole.

- You stop on an on ramp and wait for "enough room".

- You have ever hit the car in front of youu while YOU were trying to BACK UP.

- You swerve to miss a tree... and it's youur air freshener.

- All anyone can see when you drive is yourr knuckles.

- Your turn sign signal is always blinking in the direction opposite to the one you're turning.

- You drive 90 MPH in bumper to bumper trafffic and always pass on the right.

• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  

- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

- And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

-No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

-When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

-Never lick a steak knife.

-Take out the fortune before you eat the coookie.

-You will never find anybody who can give yyou a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

-You should never say anything to a woman tthat even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

-There comes a time when you should stop exxpecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

-The most powerful force in the universe iss gossip.

A Man's Cycle
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed
a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an
emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time. So I decided I needed a
girl with some stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided
I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous
things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as
happy. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the
ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.

Now I am 40 and all I want is a girl with big tits.

Over and Out!
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other
goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he
leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling,
would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Horny as hell he says "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off the intercom!"

The Plane
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms-both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at The edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin-but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Name Game
- A pregnant woman gets in a car accideent and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'" she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

Nuts!
An Olympic wrestler from the United States is about to face the international champion. As the match is about to begin, his coach warns him, "Don't let him get you into the Double Pretzel Bend - no one can get out of that hold!" The wrestler agrees to do his best.

Well, the match starts and as things would go, the American finds himself caught in the double pretzel bend. His shoulder blades are getting pushed closer and closer to the mat - it's almost over.
He looks up towards the ceiling and sees this guy's testicles hanging inches from his face. So he thinks, what the hell, I'm about to lose the match - so he chomps down... HARD!

The next thing you know, there's an unnerving scream of pain, the wrestlers seem to explode off the mat, and when the all is said and done, the American ends up on top of the champ and pins him.

As he walks off the mat, his coach greets him and says, "That was incredible, I've never seen anyone escape the Double Pretzel Bend. How in the world did you do it?"

The American wrestler replies, "Anything is possible after you bite your own nuts!"

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