DIGITAL FISH
By Jonathan Williams

Digital Fish
Jonathan Williams
April 2005
Perhaps it was the spring-time feeling of newness and rejuvenation in the air that prompted Dad to buy the DVD player. Only a few days before, though, Dad had found out that DVD players could play CDs as well.
This was good. Dad was looking for a replacement for his broken CD player and he was the sort that could never pass up a two-for-one offer. He bought the DVD player a few days later. 
	“Let’s test it out,” I said.
	Dad put a CD of Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos into the DVD player. The classical music began playing instantly.
	“Oh good,” Dad said. “It works.”
I noticed Dad’s qualifications for a working DVD player were a little different from mine.
	
The next morning, I told Dad to pick up a DVD movie on his way back from work and spent the rest of the day in keen anticipation. What sort of DVD would Dad get? Hopefully he would pick a new release full of high-tech special effects and sound to show off DVD technology at its best. Knowing Dad, though, it would probably be some classic epic such as The Ten Commandments or Ben-Hur. 

Meanwhile, Dad was standing at the counter of the video store with his freshly-picked digital video disk in hand. 
	“Hi,” he said to the girl. 
He placed the DVD on the desk, smiley-face $1.00-rental sticker facing up. 
“I just got a DVD player so I thought I’d try it out.”
	“Oh,” the girl said, placing the DVD in its rental case while Dad counted out his quarters and dimes. 
	“Have you seen this one,” Dad asked as the movie was handed back.
	The girl shook her head lightly. 
“Uh…no, I don’t think I have.” 

The moment Dad entered our front door I was there to meet him.
	“Did you get a DVD?” 
	“Yep,” he said handing me the case.
	I looked at the disk inside. It was titled Discover the Deep.
 “Um…what is this?”
	“I think it’s like an IMAX or something,” Dad said.
	“Oh.”
I had been looking forward to watching an actual movie. This was a bitter blow but I tried not to show my disappointment. 

	I inserted the DVD into the player and the opening menu swam onto the screen…literally.
	“How do we make the movie start?” Dad asked.
 I handed him the player’s remote control. 
 “How do you use this thing?” he said.
	Five minutes later, after Dad had managed to shut the player on and off several times and turn on Spanish titles, I finally started the Feature Presentation.
	The movie opened with a shot of a coral reef set to synthesized music and bubbly sound effects. Watery shadows rippled over white sand. Anemones undulated and waved as clown fish swam in and out of their tentacles. 
	We peered at the television screen, waiting for the show to actually start. The shot of the anemones dissolved to a scene where several damsel fish seemed to be playing a game of hide and seek amongst the coral. 
Five scenes of the reef later, we still couldn’t find any point to the video. There wasn’t even the smooth voice of a narrator explaining the life-cycle of the blue-lined snapper. 
	Finally, my younger brother stated what Dad and I couldn’t bring ourselves to admit.
“This is just a bunch of fish.” 
He was right. Dad’s DVD was nothing more than scene after scene of coral fish and cheesy music. I began to think that we could have done better if we’d sawed off the top of the TV and filled it with water. 
“But it said on the case something about the stunning digital quality,” was Dad’s excuse later when we asked him what possible reason drove him to pick this embarrassment to entertainment. 
“They made it sound so interesting. No wonder the girl at the counter said she hadn’t seen it.” 
“Why didn’t you get a good movie?” my brother said walking out of the room.
Dad was in trouble now. He knew that unless he found something of redeeming value on the dreadful DVD we would never let him live this event down. I felt partially responsible since I told Dad to get a DVD in the first place.  There had to be a way to come to Dad’s rescue. I fast-forwarded through the disk. It was all just fish. 
What a rip-off, I thought. DVDs were supposed to be exciting, high quality movies with loads of special features. 
I suddenly grabbed the remote control. Of course! Special Features. Why didn’t I think of it before?
 I loaded up the main menu. Sure enough, Special Features was on the list. I called my brother back in and we all held our breath as the Special Features loaded up.
A screen appeared showing several bubbles on a blue background. In the center of each bubble were some words. Dad, my brother and I leaned in closer to read them.

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales!

What fish can be adjusted to play music?
The tune-a-fish!
	“These are fish jokes!” my brother said.
	There was nothing more I could do for Dad. These jokes were the final trout that broke the fishing tackle. I got up and left the room, leaving Dad staring sadly at the television.
Why did the trout cross the ocean? 
To get to the other tide!