THE MACHINE

Written by Jonathan Williams
Edited by Peter and Jeremy Williams

NARRATOR:	It all began in Oakville one Sunday afternoon when two women were walking down Edison Street.

Miss Picklefoot: Have you heard that Rodger has a crush on Sylvia? But Sylvia doesn’t like him because his breath always smells like peanut butter. And guess what? Chad Pearson has a receding hairline.

(Women laugh)

Mrs. Pepperadish: Well I heard from Mrs. Magillicutty who heard from Gloria who heard from Sara that…

SOUND EFFECTS: Loud Bang

MRS. PEPPERADISH: What was that?

MISS PICKLEFOOT: Oh, I forgot, you just moved in. It’s just the A.M.P’s blowing up their lab again. Don’t worry about them. No one ever does. Now; as I was saying--

MRS. PEPPERADISH: Who are the A.M.P.s?

MISS PICKLEFOOT: The A.M.P.s are the Absent Minded Professors: Prof. Brilliant and his assistant Einstein.

NARRATOR: Actually it was the A.M.P.s, but they weren’t blowing up their lab. What happened was that the two scientists were trying to fix an old automatic composter, when Einstein accidentally flipped the switch while Prof. Brilliant was holding the wires, receiving a minor electric shock resulting in a loud “bang!” 

PROF. BRILL. (Coughing and sputtering)  What did you do that for Einstein?

EINSTEIN: Well I was just seeing if you had fixed it yet.

PROFESSOR BRILLIANT: Well, I haven’t and what’s the big idea by wrecking my machine? Can’t you see it’s already busted? (Pause) Hey! The red light on top is on. Einstein, I think you’ve fixed the machine! Now all we should have to do is push this button. 

EINSTEIN:	Can I press it? Pleeeeease!

PROFESSOR BRILLIANT.	Oh all right, go ahead, but don’t expect anything to happen, it never has done what I intended it to do.

EINSTEIN:     Oh well, it’s worth a try. Here we go.

SOUND EFFECTS:	Machine noises

EINSTEIN: 	Hey that’s my banana! Give me that back.

PROFESSOR BRILLIANT.	Amazing! It just took your lunch right out of your hand and… (machine noise) it dropped it into its intake funnel. Incredible!!!

EINSTEIN:	Some invention… it steals people’s lunch, and then,  (SPLAT) spits out the compost on… My New Shoes!!!

PROFESSOR BRILLIANT. :	Forget about your shoes. We’ve just fixed our composter.

EINSTEIN:	But what about my banana?

PROFESSOR BRILLIANT.:	Forget about your soggy banana! For goodness sake, have mine if you like.

EINSTIEN	Thanks. So, when are we going to have some, you know, fun with it?

PROFESSOR BRILLIANT.:	What, my banana?

EINSTEIN:	No, the machine.

PROFESSOR BRILLIANT:	Well, we’ll have to run more tests before it gets publicity.

EINSTIEN:	So, in other words for now we’ve got to hide it from the public?

Sound Effect:	door opening

DERN: Hide what from the public?

EINSTEIN:	Oh, no, the reporters.

DERN:	My friend Ryan and I as you probably know are reporters for the Oakville Blab, and we just happened to be walking down this particular street when we heard a rather dangerous sounding bang, I hope nobody got hurt, (snicker) so we came in to find out exactly what’s going on, didn’t we Ryan?… Ryan? What are you gaucking at?

RYAN:	Dern I think we may have found out what these two gerkins are up to. Look.

Dern:	 Fancy contraption. I wonder what this button does.

Sound Effect: 	machine noise

Ryan:	Hey, (choking) it just took my tie. I want it back. Where did it go?

Einstein:	I know where it went. It should come out the back right here.

Sound effect:	SPLAT

Einstein:	Here you go.

Ryan:	My new tie!

Dern: So, is this some kind of a theft machine that steals people’s stuff and then composts it? I think this will make a great story for the eves dropping section in the paper. Come on Ryan, let’s go.

Ryan:	My tie gets composted. Some story. I can’t believe it. $29.99 down the drain. 

Dern:	Good day gentlemen.

SOUND EFFECTS: Door closes.

NARRATOR: 	The next day in a magnificent mansion on Richardson Street, a very rich man named Dr. Evilon sat reading the newspaper.

DR. EVILON: Johann! Johann! Where has that robot gotten to now!

JOHANN: 	Robot Johann waiting for orders.

DR. EVILON: Look, here in the newspaper. Those two so-called A.M.P.’s have invented a robbery machine. Looks like those two idiots have finally invented something worthwhile. It’s just what I need, if you know what I mean. 

JOHANN:	 What is your plan of taking ownership of the mechanical device? 

DR. EVILON:	 Buy it from him, of course. And I’m expecting you and Riley Thomson to do just that.

JOHANN:	I’m deeply sorry master, but that is beyond my capability. Your worker Riley Thompson was arrested for robbery and sentenced for two years in prison.

DR. EVILON: 	Blast it! I forgot! How could he do this to me… again? There’s only one alternative; you and I must go to their dump of a workshop and make the offer ourselves.  I think $1000 dollars is an offer they can’t refuse. 

NARRATOR:	When they got to the lab they climbed out of their sports car and rang the doorbell.

EINSTEIN:	I told you two reporters to get off of our property and go back to where you (door opens) came fr… Oh, hello, what can I do for you?

PROF. B.	Who is it Einstein? If it’s some stupid reporters send them away. If it’s someone else, let them in.

EINSTEIN:	Are you reporters?

Dr. E:		No.

EINSTEIN:	In that case, come on in.

Dr.E:		Good morning gentlemen. I’m doctor Evilon and this is Johann my robot butler.

EINSTEIN: Professor Brilliant, The doctors here to give you a check up. (To Doctor) He’s been worrying about his cracked filling for weeks.

Dr.E:	Actually I’m not a dentist or a medical doctor. I meant “Doctor” as in “P.H.D.”

EINSTEIN: Oooooooooooh. A Pathetically Hilarious Dope.

Dr.E: 	Aaah; never mind. 

PROF. B.:	(Entering room)  I’m Professor Brilliant and this is Einstein.

JOHANN:	Pleased to make your acquaintance.

DR. E.:		We came to buy your machine.

PROF. B.:	But it’s not even for sale yet we have to run more tests before selling it.

DR. E.:		Well then, why don’t you simply test it now.

EINSTEIN:	Oh, no. All testing has to be done between the hours of ten and twelve on the testing table on Tuesdays only. And if you don’t want to tarry for tea then ta ta.

DR. E.:		 Come on Johann. Let’s go.

SOUND EFFECTS:	Door open and close.

NARRATOR: 	Later that night at Dr. Evilon’s house…

DR. EVILON:	Well they’re not going to sell their machine to me.

Johann:		How do you know?

DR. E.:		Well, I could tell – especially when they got to that part about testing it on Tuesday’s only. So I have thought of a different way to get it. (claps three times)

NARRATOR:	At that moment from a small stone slot in the wall, a tiny flying saucer glided through and it landed on the table next to the Dr. From the bottom of the craft slid out a ladder and a miniature robot about 4 in. high with pointed ears stepped out.

ROBOT:	What do you want master?

DR. E.:		I want you to take this radio controlled devise and clip it on to the circuit board of their machine. It is called Robo-Destruction and it is designed so that practically anything I press on my joystick will make it go nuts. I will be able to control their machine with my computer. I think you will be small enough to do the simple task.

ROBOT:	I will try my best master.

NARRATOR: 	With that the little robot took a deep bow, stepped inside his craft, fired up his tiny rockets, and flew off with the devise.
		The little robot was better than his word and inserted the devise into the machine without being seen.

NARRATOR:	The next day at 11:00 the two scientists were ready to test their machine.

EINSTEIN:	I don’t think we should do this because I only have one banana left and it’s for me.

PROF. B.	Oh, it’ll be fine. Are you ready? Here we go.

SOUND EFFECTS:	Machine noises

EINSTEIN:	It looks like it’s getting ready to grab something. Oh no! Its arm is coming straight at me!

SOUND EFFECTS:	SLAP!

EINST.	Ouch! That hurt! Turn it off!

PROF. B.	I’m flipping the switch but it’s not doing anything. Now it’s chasing us.

EINST.	Let’s run for it!

SOUND EFFECTS:  SMASHING AND CRASHING.

PROF. B.	Oh no. It’s destroying my lab!  Not my new microscope!

SOUND EFFECTS:	SMASH!

EINST.	Don’t look now! We’re cornered!

PROF. B.	Not yet.

SOUND EFFECTS:	door open

EINST.	The laundry chute?

COMBINED VOICES:	whoooooooooooooooah!  Uh!

PROF. B.	We’re surrounded by laundry.

EINST.	Dirty laundry.

COMBINED VOICES:	Eeewww!

EINST.	Hey! I found my Minnie Mouse shirt. I’ve been looking for this for weeks.

PROF. B.	 Oh! Come on! Let’s run out the basement door. And don’t stop till were at the police station.

NARRATOR:	All the while Dr. Evilon was controlling the machine on his computer. He was having a magnificent time watching his 23-inch monitor screen controlling the machine’s movements with a joystick. 

DR. EVIL:	Ha Ha. Look at them run. I haven’t had this much fun since I put ice cubes in my auntie’s waterbed. There they go around that corner. I’ll just keep following them… Huh? Where did they go?

COMBINED VOICES:	PANTING.  EXHAUSTED, HEAVY BREATHING.

EINST.	My legs are going to fall off if we don’t stop. I can’t make it.

PROF. B.	 Come on. There’s a police station up ahead.

COMBINED VOICES:	PANTING.  EXHAUSTED, HEAVY BREATHING

PROF. B.	Knock. Knock.

OFFICER HANK: Who’s there? (DOOR OPENS)

EINST.	Mickey Mouse in his underwear.

HANK:	Ah. Hi, guys. If you’re here for lame jokes I think you should go home and take a nap. If you’re here for a good reason, well, what’s the problem?

OFF. MURPHY (entering room:) Oh, hello guys… Gee you look like you’ve been running for two kilometers.

BOTH:	 We have!!

HANK:	Well, maybe you should sit down and tell us what’s wrong. Murphy, go get the cool-aid.

PROF. B.	 You see, it’s about our new machine…

HANK:	Let me guess. It’s destroying your lab.

EINST.	How did you know?

HANK:	 Well, what is this now? The third time something like this has happened?

PROFF.B: 	Forth!

MURPHY:	It’s kind of obvious. Anyway, here’s the cool-aid.

EINST:	So are you saying you’re going to help us?

HANK:	Well, all right.

MURPHY:	But we have to be back by 1:00.

HANK:	Because “Detective Sam” is going to be on TV

PROF. B.	Then we’d better get moving. Come on.

NARRATOR: Later at the lab…

MURPHY: We searched the whole building, which didn’t take long, but we couldn’t find the machine.

HANK:	Did you leave any doors or windows open that it could have escaped from?

PROF. B.	Oh, no! I always lock the front door and Einstein… always… locks the … back d…
		Einstein. Did you do what I think you did?

EINST.	Well, it’s kind of hard to lock a door when you’re running for your life.

HANK:	Well, what are you two standing around for? If this is a machine you guys invented, it’s probably tearing the town apart. Come on!

PROFF.B:	Thanks a lot.

NARRATOR:	Soon the police car had caught up with the machine.

PROF.B.	Wow. It just went through a red light.

EINST.		I thought that was illegal.

PROF. B.	Oh dear! Look at the mess its making.

HANK:		And it’s spitting everything out that little hole onto the road.

SOUND EFFECTS:	Scwootch, splat etc.

EINST.	Wow! I’ve always wondered what it was like to drive over compost.

MURPHY:	I haven’t

HANK:		I’d better call some more officers on my radio  ‘cause this is getting serious.

SOUND EFFECTS: Radio static 

HANK:		 Hello? This is Hank. I need some help. There’s a machine messing up the town. We’re on Clark St. hurry.

MURPHY:	Hey, we’ve got to get back. It’s 1:00. We’re missing the TV show.

HANK:		 Quick, get out of the car. We’ve got to go.

PROF. B.		Thanks, (car driving away), for nothing. Come on Einstein. We’ll have to run after the machine.

EINST.			Hey, it just turned on to Richardson St.

PROF. B.	It’s crossing the road and it’s heading for that house up ahead.

EINST.		That’s not a house. It’s more like a palace.

DR. EVILON:	 (watching on computer screen)	Yes! It’s turning onto our street.

JOHANN:	Yes. And so are those two experimenters.

DR. EVILON:		What!! Johan, quick, go lock the iron gates. I’ll see if I can shake them and get the machine through the back door.

EINST.	(Outside)	Hey, Johan. What are you doing. Where’s our machine?

JOHAN:		That is not any of your business.

EINST.		Listen, you open the gate or I’ll throw this rock at you. One… Two…

JOHAN:		Okay, Okay. I’ll open the gate.

PROF. B.	Nicely handled, Einstein. Now Johan, where’s the machine?

JOHAN:		It is inside. Please follow me.

SOUND EFFECTS:	DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

PROF. BRIL.	Oooo! Nice establishment you have here.

JOHAN;		I know. The iron cages are especially useful.

SOUND EFFECTS:	CLANG! 

BOTH:		UH OH

JOHAN:		The doctor will be with you shortly.

SOUND:	DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

NARRATOR:	Just as the two scientists were thinking about what would happen next a glass see-through elevator came down form the ceiling and landed next to the cage, and out of it, stepped Dr. Evilon.

DR: E.		Ha ha. I’ve heard that you guys are stupid and all, but this is hilarious. Why, you walked right into my trap.

EINST.		So when are you going to let us out of here?

DR. E.		Oh, you will get out all in good time. Johann!

JOHANN	Yes, Dr.

DR. E.	I want you to stay here and guard the cage. I know you have your own keys but don’t use them no matter what the circumstances. I’m going to visit my machine now.

EINST.	What do you mean, your ma…

DOOR CLOSES

EINST. (Whispering) 	We’ll never get out of this cage with Mr. Metalhead guarding. Let me see if I have a pick or a pocketknife in my pocket. (Shout) Ewww! What’s this?

PROF. B.	Shhhhhhhh!  What is it Einstein?

EINST.	Oh it’s just the peel from the banana I ate before.

PROF. B.	Quick. Give it to me. I’ve got an idea.

JOHANN	What are you two conversing about? You know you will never get ouuuuuuuuut!

CLANG BANG

EINST.	What happened?

PROF. B.	He slipped on the banana peel I threw out.

EINST.	He’s all in pieces. His head’s fallen off and look at all those wires sticking out of his chest.

PROF. B.	Now, where are they?

EINST.	 What?

PROF. B. 	The keys.

EINST.	They wouldn’t happen to be the shiny metallic objects that fell out of his pocket and are lying at my feet at this very moment?

PROF. B	Give them to me.

TINK TINK

EINST.	And we’re out of here. Come on. Let’s go out this door.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. FOOTSTEPS

PROF. B.	Look at all these doors along these walls. We’ve got to find a room that has a label that has something to do with our machine.

EINST.	 What about this one on the left? It say, “CONTROL ROOM # 1”.

PROF. B. 	 Might as well try it. Oh no. It’s locked.

EINST. 	You don’t really think I would leave the keys in the cage room.

PROF. B. 	Quick. Open it.

SOUND:	KEY IN LOCK. DOOR OPEN.

EINST. 	Wow! Look at all these big screens on the wall.

PROF. B.	Hey. There’s the doctor.

EINST. 	(Yell) Where?

PROF. B.	On the screens.

EINST. 	Ya! And there’s the machine.

PROF.B.	Hey. Look at this nice computer. Let’s see what he’s got on it.

EINST. 	It says on the screen, “ Program paused. Press enter to continue. 

PROF. B. 	Well press enter and lets see what happens!	

	
EINST.	All right. Hey. Look on the screen. Hey there’s the Dr. with our machine. I’m going to try moving this joystick. (Short pause) Ha, Ha, now the machines spinning around the room breaking things

PROF. B.	Look at the expression on the Dr.’s face. Hee hee. Try pressing that little button on the top.

EINST. 	Ok. Wow. It slapped the Dr. just like it did to me.

PROF. B.	Try it again, but this time hold the button down.

EINST. 	. It slapped him again. But look it’s holding on to him. And it’s lifting him off the ground.

PROF. B. 	And it’s holding him over the intake funnel. Turn the machine around a bit. Maybe the view will change so I can see the sign on the door.

EINST. 	Is that better?

PROF. B. 	Ya. It says, OFFICE.

EINST. 	What if the doctor gets composted, and he comes out that little hole all… oh  dear

PROF. B. 	That would be quite disgusting. You’d better turn it off.

EINST. 	Ok. Good. It’s still holding him in the air but the machine’s not moving.

PROF. B. 	Come on. Let’s go to the office.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

DOOR OPEN.

PROF. B. 	Hello Dr. Evilon. You know, you really shouldn’t struggle so much or else you will fall inside the machine and come out as compost.

DR. EVILON:	Compost!? What are you talking about? Get me down from here. Johann!!

EINST. 	I hate to mention it but Johann is sort of busted at the moment. We’ll let you down as soon as the police arrive.

PROF. B. 	Einstein. Go phone the police cars that Hank phoned earlier and tell them where we are. They’re probably scouring Clark St. looking for us.

EINST. 	Ok.

DOOR CLOSE

PROF. B. 	Just in case you haven’t figured it out yet, this machine is an automatic composter.

DR. E. 	Is not! It’s a robbery machine that could have helped me a great deal.

PROF. B. 	Listen buddy, I built this machine. I tested this machine. And I think I know what it is. You can’t always believe the Oakville Blap, you know, especially the Eves-Dropping section.

DR. E. 	Ahhhhhhhh!

SIRENS

DOOR OPENS

EINST.	 The police were just one block away and they just pulled into the driveway.

NARRATOR.	When the police came inside they got the Dr. down, handcuffed him and drove him away. The police also searched through Dr. Evilon’s house and found many stolen objects. As for the A.M.P.’s, they repaired Johann and reprogrammed him. Now Johan is an employee of the professor. The machine was slightly rebuilt and given to the Oak ville School janitor as a clean up helper. The A.M.P.’s were never called the A.M.P.’s again. And they all, except for Dr. Evilon, lived happily ever after… that is until the next month…..