By Wolven
i came to a life-nothening realisation, last nyte/this morning. We all search for balance. Be it in our love lives, our homes, our work place, whatever, we all search for that perfectly balanced moment, that thing that says, "This is what all the work was for." And, for the most part, we will keep working through the tedium, even if we never find it. We have hope hardwired into our brains, and it’s that thing that says never let go, never give up, it will get better. Ane more often than not, we listen to it. In our lowest parts of emotionality, when we’re feeling like there is nothing that understands us, truly, when we see it all as a series of bad things, with a few scattered good things, we continue on with it out of the idea that it May get better. People around us make attempts to help and, though we may not see it at the tyme, help just through the trying. Ultimately, we seek something to balance us out.
There are tymes when we indulge in our dark moods. We often wish that, somewhere, there was that perfect person or thing that felt the same as us, that was thinkng the same thing, and was wanting to do the same thing. An externalisation of the voice on the other end of our internal conversations. When we see the Karmic Sine Wave as down-up-down, instead of up-down-up, we wish that there was someone whose patterns matched our own. And we want them to be right here, with us, right now.
It is rare, indeed, that you will find these qualities, in one person. We often must settle for having these various functions fulfilled by a number of people.
(6.12.01) Shite. This is about emotionality, right? so i should speak of emotions right? Not Sine waves and functions and graphs. Ok, so, there are tymes when life sucks. We feel neglected, hurt, downcast, and overally shitty. We grasp at the nearest thing to us to carry us through these tymes, and we cling for dear life. We are drowning in a sea of emotions, and we all need life-rafts. We need something that can help us stay afloat, something that can prevent us from sinking into those murky depths. This is going to get a little disjointed, right about now.
Suicide. That’s a touchy, touchy subject for many people, i know. But it needs to be talked about. The many reasons for various suicides, tend to boil down to one set of circumstances: people feel like they have no where to turn. People feel like they can’t talk to their peers, or their families, or anyone in athourity, about any of their problems, and so, seeking a way out, they take the permanent door. Some of these problems, to the outside observer, may seem fairly minor. Others of them may seem huge. The problem is, that it doesn’t matter what they look like to us, because we aren’t living them. We do not have the same wiring, the same perceptions as the people in these situations, so we are in no place to lay judgement. All we are able to do is try to listen and understand, and give a fresh perspective, if asked. If we aren’t asked, then we do our best to let people know that we’re there. As for being there, any of you reading this, who may be thinking about suicide, stop. Look around you. Really look. Who is there in your life who has talked to you, listened to you, held you while you cried, helped you, loved you? These people are your friends. They may not understand, but damnit, they are trying. Give them a chance, tell them about what’s going on with you, make them listen. Counselors, parents, friends, priests, priestesses, shamans, anyone, find someone. They will do their best.
Love. Love hates me. i like Love. i like being in love, though this has only happened once. i like loving people. My friends, my family, strangers on the street. i like being able to look around me and say that i love the world and that i love everyone in it. Love is not easy. Love takes tyme and work and effort on all sides. If you love someone, you will do that. You will take that tyme, you will make that effort, and you will beat down, bend, destroy, or manipulate any obstacle in your way, to make sure that you can. That is what love is. Devotion, happiness, friendship. Sometymes the people you love may not like the other people you love. Sometymes there is animosity between various factions. If the people you love truly love you, then it won’t matter to them if you love people they don’t like. Wow. That was almost redundant. Glad i stopped. You have to work at love. You cannot expect it to fall in your lap and start doing tricks. It takes tyme, it takes work. Etc. Etc. Love.
Anger. Anger can be a beautiful, wonderful, helpful tool, if properly channled. If you use your anger towards a change of some sort, if you use it to make your life better, to make yourself progress, then anger is a great thing. Letting it seethe and sit and fester, that is when anger becomes a hindrance. When you are bounded in on all sides be a red fog, a palpable haze that prevents you from seeing life as it is, and only allows you to see what is pissing you off, then you are doing nothing, and your anger is useless. Ineffectual anger is one of the most frustrating things in life, and it comes from sitting on your ass, thinking that, Just because you want it to, things will get better. This is not the way the universe works, mein freund. Not for the most part, anyway. You are required to at least make some effort toward a better mood, or a change, or something, DAMNIT! You are nothing if you don’t try to change yourself. We, as humans, frustrate ourselves infinitely in our paths toward happiness. The problem, here, is that you have to see it as for every one step backward, you take three forward. Useless fucking sacks of waste are we, when we sit around doing nothing to change ourselves. And that’s really all there is to say, there.
Depression. One might say that this is better suited, up by suicide, but i’m writing these things as they come to me, so slag off. Depression is a pervading and consuming thing. It eats our tyme, and our lives, and we sit around doing nothing, for days, on end. Like anger, some good things can come from depression, but it has to be used to that end. You have to use whatever talents you have to get it out of you. And gods help you if you use it the other way around. Realising that depression can greatly aid a number of the arts has sent many an artist into a vicious cycle of causing depressions, that they may better express themselves. The real test of skill is to be able to encompass the entire scope of the mood spectrum, with whatever art you claim. Forced depression is a useless thing. Eventually it becomes empty and, when one prolongs a mood, too long, it becomes pretentiously heavy. People stop caring. It’s a harsh and wrong thing, in some eyes, yes, but look at it from the view of the outsider: The main effect of the thing which has hurt you is gone. All that remains is your clinging to the pain, rather than letting it go, for fear of what comes after. Depression is a gorgeous thing, for as long as it lasts, but, eventually, one must drag oneself out of the mire and dust off the clinging vesps of filth.
i’m Spent. These are the emotions about which i care to talk, just now. There are others, of course. Happiness, loss, joy, enlightenment, Hope. There are all of these things, and they are all embodied in you and me, and him, and her. Everyone. We all have, in us, the same emotional set, and they are all awakened into action by different things. The goal is to understand each other, not be exactly the same. Sameness is boring. Understanding differences is not. i think this is over...
Yeah.
It’s over.