Scene 1
Narrator - (Behind mirror) Once upon a time, in a land not so far from our own there was a boy named Al. He was quite the average boy. He was of average height, mind you the people of his land were somewhat shorter than the people here, he looked normal... I guess, and he was bright enough. Al was pretty well the average Joe except for one little facet of his personality. Al had an abnormal fascination, a fetish if you may, with ears. He loved the subtle curves of the outer lobe and the way the ear arched was simply divine. Perhaps this was why Al decided to go for a career in the rabbit farm industry, although I think it was those Cadbury commercials with the rabbits laying cream eggs, or maybe he just liked carrots, we will never know. One morning Al noticed one of his rabbits had gone missing. He didn't know it but Al's life was about to get a little more normal.
Al - (Walks out onto stage right from behind mirror appearing to be looking for something) Whitey? Whitey! Where is that darned white rabbit. I sure hope I didn't let him get away. He had such lovely ears, Ahh.... (Melts as he looks far stage right)
Alice - (Behind mirror) Mister Rabbit? Please come back. I just want to take you home.
Rabbit - (Comes out from below mirror attached to a string, wiggles around a bit)
Al - Whitey! Come back here.
Rabbit - (Is pulled back under mirror)
Alice - (Behind mirror) There you are. Mr. Rabbit, may I please pet your ears?
Al - Ears! I know just what kind of person this rabbit-thief is!
Narrator - A perverted ear freak?
Al - (Happy) Yes! (Short pause. Starts pacing back and forth) I know just what I'll do. I'll follow my rabbit, and get the rabbit and the girl. I don't know any other ear lovers. It must be meant to be!
Audience Volunteer - (Raises hand) Excuse me Al. I like ears. (Flutters eyelashes)
Al - That's nice. Now... (With enthusiasm) I'm off to find my true love! (Crawls under mirror)
Scene 2
Narrator - Al followed the rabbit's trail along the road until he came upon a popped open manhole.
Al - (Walks out from behind onto stage right) What a weird place for a girl to take a rabbit. I thought girls hated sewers... she must be awfully special. (Mimes leaning down to the manhole and climbing down. Starts spinning slowly) Woah.... it feels weird in here...
Rabbit - (Comes out from behind mirror onto stage left. Is being carried. Waves around. Flattens out and stops moving) 3... 2... 1... Pstoo (Runs towards Al and hits him)
Al - (Falls down)
Rabbit - (Runs behind mirror on stage right)
Al - Ugh... (Sits up and looks around) Where am I?
Door - (Walks out from behind mirror marching. Stops behind Al. Creaks) Normalland
Al - (Looks around confused) What?
Door - (Looks at Al silently. Short pause)
Al - (Turns around again) All right... So where should I go now...
Door - (Creaks) Through the door
Al - (Looks around nervously. Looks at door suspiciously. Rubs chin then shakes head) No, couldn't be.
Door - (Shakes head. Creaks) Uh-uh
Al - What a creaky old doorknob. Someone should really oil that thing. I wonder who was talking to me... (Short pause) No matter! (Snaps fingers) I must find my rabbit and true love. But where did she go...
Door - (Creaks loudly) DOOR!
Al - I've got it! I'll go through the door.
Audience Volunteer - (Claps and looks to neighbor) My Al... He's brilliant!
Al - (Brushes her off. Yeahs are short and clipped) Yeah, yeah, thanks. Bye. (Turns Door's head and goes through)
Scene 3
Door - (Goes behind mirror on stage right)
Al - Lookee here, its a pool. I should look in there for my rabbit.
Audience Volunteer - (Excited) Yay! He's going to swim... in a swimsuit! (Smiles excitedly)
Narrator - (Behind mirror) Since when do rabbits swim?
Al - Duh. Since always. (Puts arms above head and is about to dive in)
Lifeguard Dodo - (Blows whistle) Not so fast! (Runs out from stage left) I knew it! You were running on the deck! (Blows whistle twice)
Al - (Nervously puts hands behind back and stands stiff) Very sorry sir. I won't do it again.
Lifeguard Dodo - You better not.
Al - May I ask your name?
Lifeguard Dodo - Lifeguard Dodo at your service. I preside over this aquanasium.
Al - Aquanasium?
Lifeguard Dodo - An aquatic gymnasium.
Al - (Mouth hangs open) Uhh...
Lifeguard Dodo - A pool, dumbass. You're vocabulary is appalling.
Al - Ah... So dodo eh? Aren't you extinct?
Lifeguard Dodo - American fool. Its my name, I'm not really a bird. If I was a dodo I would have feathers. Do you see any feathers!?! Huh?!
Al - (Points to paper cone nervously) But, but, isn't that a beak?
Lifeguard Dodo - (Angry) Lordy, you're too dumb to be an American. You must be Canadian or something.
Al - Ontarian to be specific.
Lifeguard Dodo -Ah, no wonder. (Angry) Now as to your foolish question, this (Points to cone) is my megaphone.
Al - (Pauses) I don't mean to be rude but doesn't it go the other way.
Lifeguard Dodo - (Raises eyebrows) Ah... that would explain some things. (Flips megaphone around. Yells) That's better.
Al - I was meaning to ask you. Have you seen a rabbit and a little girl around here?
Lifeguard Dodo - (Yells) Why yes. I saw a rabbit swim by just a few minutes ago...
Al - Ha, I told you so Narrator. They can swim.
Lifeguard Dodo - (Yells) ... and he was followed by a girl. Mighty fit if I might add.
Al - I knew it! She's beautiful and has an ear fetish. Excuse me sir, I must go! (Hops into pool and swims away behind right of mirror)
Dodo - Wait (Chases him behind right mirror)
Scene 4
Al - (Comes out from left of mirror drying himself off. Walks to floral blanket on stage right) What nice flowers... good they're normal. After all I've seen today I half expect them to start singing.
Flower - (Behind mirror) Oh don't worry we don't sing... we whistle. (Starts whistling "Golden Afternoon")
Al - That's good, because that would have been really weird. (Turns around and walks away oblivious)
Druggie - (Walks out from right of mirror. Smoking) B, D, T, V, R, Q. Q, R, V, T, W, sometimes Y.
Al - Why is that man reciting consonants? Excuse me sir, are you all right?
Druggie - (Blows out) Yeah man, this stuff makes everything all right.
Al - (Exaggerates inhaling. Puts weird look on face and starts spinning around) Woah...
Druggie - (Pulls on green cloth)
Al - (Talks like hippy) Woah... you're a caterpillar man.
Druggie - Yeah man, that happens sometimes.
Al - Dude... (Exaggerates exhaling. Spins around)
Druggie - (Pulls off green cloth)
Al - Woah... that stuff does things to you. Did I just say dude?
Druggie - Hey dude, stop breathing my fumes. Their mine (Wraps arms around air and brings them in. Breathes in loudly.) Ahh...
Al - (Turns around and talks to himself) Say no to drugs... Say no to drugs... Say no to drugs.
Scene 5
Druggie - (Walks behind right of mirror)
Narrator - Al, tired from his search was thrilled with what he saw next. Lost in an alien land far from home, he came across, what else, a Starbucks! Excited and in desperate need of a caffeine boost, Al stopped in for a cup-of-Joe.
Al - (Walks up to table. Looks around nervously. No one is there) Hello?
Mad Starbucks Employee - (Jumps up from beneath table) Why hello! Would you like some tea?
Al - (Startled) Tea? At Starbucks?
Mad Starbucks Employee - Oh my! (Turns to his side) This boy doesn't like tea. Silly, silly.
Al - Excuse me? Sir? Who are you talking to?
Mad Starbucks Employee - Oh, him? That's my hare, little Marchy-Warchy (Brings invisible hare up to face and mumbles baby talk)
Al - (Looks at him confused) That's... lovely. Are you sure he's all there?
Mad Starbucks Employee - Oh yes! He's very smart.
Al - No... I mean physically.
Mad Starbucks Employee - Don't be mad. He's right here. Now, you were trying to ask me something? Tea perhaps? (Holds out invisible cup)
Al - No thankyou, not today. I'd much rather have a Triple Frappa-Mocha-Javachino Latte if that would be all right.
Mad Starbucks Employee - Triple Frappa-Mocha-Javachino Latte? My specialty! (Turns around and begins preparing the coffee. Turns around again) Whip cream?
Al - Sure
Mad Starbucks Employee - (Laughs manically) Don't be silly. Whip cream on a Triple Frappa-Mocha-Javachino Latte? Ha! That's just silly. Now mustard, that is a different story. (Squeezes imaginary bottle. Picks up invisible cup) And a very merry birthday to you!
Al - Birthday?
Mad Starbucks Employee - Un-birthday then. It has to at least be your un-birthday.
Al - Thank you... I think. (Takes coffee and begins to walk away. Brings cup to lips apprehensively. Takes a sip. Scrunches up face in disgust and then smiles.) Mmm... lovely aftertaste. I'm sure I recognize that man from somewhere... Where have I seen a person in a funny hat that keeps on offering me tea?
Narrator - Alice in Wonderland?
Al - I know! Its my Aunt Midge!
Audience Volunteer - (Yells) I love you Al!
Al - Ok then. I'm off to find my true love!
Narrator - But he never did, for in fact his "Alice" was right in front of him and he never realized it. Al's rabbit thief and true love, was none other than our lovely audience volunteer.
Al - Please Alice I'm so sorry. Take me back.
Audience Volunteer - (Mad) My names Taylore and no way. I was throwing myself at you, you dink, you're too late. Come on Whitey, lets roll.
Narrator - (Tosses Volunteer rabbit)
Audience Volunteer - (Walks away)
Al - (Sad) No...
Narrator - The end.
