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| Paper Words, I�ve known you since you were 18, and I know you�ve been thought a lot in your lifetime. The feeling I have is that, you can�t give your heart to someone. I can�t give my heart unless that person can give there heart to me. I guess I�m out. JGM I found this ad in the paper yesterday. I know whom it is from and I know why he put it there. I know why he hurts so much and I know that I did this to him. It�s addressed to me even though you would never realize it. You see his name was Jason Gregory Matthews. And I broke his heart. We met when I went out with his brother freshman year. Then I went out with his best friend junior year. I broke up with his friend to go out with him. I was always doing that, going out with someone for a little while then breaking up with him. I was never really consistent with people. I have never had a good friend for more than a little while. It�s always been this way. I can�t explain why, it just is. Maybe I am flaky maybe I have changed too much over the years. My first childhood friend is now a lesbian and wears pink and goes shopping. I myself am straight (sometimes), wear black and stay home being depressed. My longest relationship with guys was at a running record of four months until I meet Jason. Like I said we started going out after I broke up with his friend. He waited a week and one day before he asked me out. We were having fun. We went out to the junior prom that came a month later and really enjoyed being together. It was during our senior year when the trouble really started. OK so you know I am flaky right? Well I always seem to have crushes on people around me. The first trouble spot was when I liked this girl. She liked me too but knew Jason and I were dating and were pretty serious. But I really wanted to know if I really liked her or I was just playing around with the idea of being with her. So one day I finally got up the courage, after joking about it for some time, to kiss her. It was amazing! I never felt so happy and yet so guilty at the same time. She ended up telling her girlfriend and every one involved got in one huge fight. But if I were to go back and do it all over again, I would. Now Jason knew about my crushes and I guess he was ok with it. But then there was Andy. He was the only person that understood what I felt when I told him I was dying inside. We would talk on the phone for hours on end talking about cutting and all the neat deigns we would carve in our skin. But the attraction grew. He had a horrible luck with girls and as far as I knew I was really the only one who cared for him for a long period of time. One day while talking to him he sent me these pictures of his latest carving endeavor. I was so impressed with it I just had to have one. So I went to his house the next night and he carved me. I was so happy I was on cloud nine. When Jason found out he was so upset. He said things about how I was never there when he was, and how he wanted to marry me and I didn�t seem concerned. I loved toying around with the idea of getting married to Jason but I wasn�t ready to be tied down now. I wanted to have fun with the time I had. I didn�t understand why he didn�t understand. I talked to Jason about waiting to get married until after we had gone out with a few more people. I don�t want to look back and think �Why didn�t I look around, I really wanted to know that person better.� He really went nutty on me. Jason didn�t understand how I couldn�t love him, or at least that is what he said. I did love him, and I did want to be with him. I just didn�t want to wonder later. Why couldn�t he understand that? I think the hardest thing about this dilemma was I didn�t want to break up with him. Our one-year anniversary was coming up; I didn�t want to spoil it. We were planning to go out to a really nice restaurant and have fun together alone. Why was I still feeling like this, I was so anxious and so confused. Eventually we decided that waiting would be the best option and we would cross that bridge when it came. I still wonder though did the bridge arrive? Did I just ignore it? I liked to think I had time to go back. The closer our one-year anniversary the closer Jason and I became again. We talked about everything like nothing was wrong, and we continued to have so much fun. I talked to Andy a little, and my family, and friends about my dilemma. I wanted to go out with Andy so bad. My father kept asking how my second boyfriend was. I wasn�t amused. He treated it like it would never matter to anyone ever. I treated it like I was going to end the world if I didn�t pick the right choice. I finally started to hang out with Andy. He was so much different than Jason. Andy was depressed and went to church like me. We had so much in common. I need to remind you Jason and I didn�t break up, I was going out with both of them. Andy was my second half. We knew everything about each other with out even saying it. We had very similar situations. Jason and I only knew each other well, from being together for so long. They both knew about my past, how my father had beaten me and about why I cut myself. I was an open book to both of them, but with Jason there was a security I didn�t have with Andy. Jason was always there for me no matter what. On the other hand though Andy and I were there for each other because we were each other. Then one day the fateful moment came when Jason found out about Andy. Jason was so mad. He cried, he yelled, he didn�t talk; he went through so many emotions at one time, it hurt to see him like this. It killed me to see him in this pain. I still wasn�t sure that being with Andy was the right decision. I tried to reason with Jason but he just wouldn�t listen. He was so angry and hurt. I wanted to take it back, I wanted to hold him and tell him everything would work out in the end. But Jason wouldn�t listen to me. I finally got to talk to him and he listened to my side of the story. I explained to him that it was an accident, Andy and I, I really wanted to marry Jason and that is how I still felt. Jason told me that he felt that I couldn�t give him my full attention. He didn�t understand why I didn�t want to regret not dating in high school. He didn�t understand that I loved him so much. His feelings for me were so strong; I couldn�t understand that he could only look at me. Didn�t he have other crushes? If he did would he really tell me though? I wanted to think he did and he wouldn�t so maybe he was keeping something from me so he really did understand. Maybe he did know what I was going through secretly. We ended up not talking for a long time. We decided that we should keep in touch and we never did. Jason ended up going to some technology college for computer science. Andy and I stayed together for a while then broke up. I went out to get my sign language degree and start working in a school. My time was mostly taken up by work and schooling for a nurse�s degree so I could work at a hospital. I am not sure what Andy went off to do. (A week later) Jason called me today. Apparently he knew where I was living since I moved out of my parent�s house (they liked him more than they liked me anyway.) He wanted to catch a bite to eat. I told him I was busy but I tried to make the time. He showed up at my house and we went to a local caf�. It was nice to see him again. He told me what he had been doing with his time. He had dated a little but never really felt for those nameless girls as he had for me. He said he wanted me back and at any cost. I told him that I hadn�t even dated anyone in a long time. We both agreed we were happiest when we were together. Even when I was with Andy I wasn�t as happy. After that there was a lot of small talk then a good night kiss. That one kiss woke up something inside me. It was as if the sun had jumped into my body and started emanating through my skin. I was alive with happiness. I called him the next day and we decided to go to the movies and hang out the next Saturday. We started dating exclusively and I wasn�t going to let go of him this time. He was mine and I didn�t want to lose him. (One year later) Now Jason and I are married. We have bought a house in Elmira and we plan on having two wonderful children. We already have one on the way. Jason has a wonderful job in computer graphics and I work for the local hospital as a nurse and in house translator for the deaf. Jason and I have the healthiest relationship. Yes we might fight sometimes but it makes our bond stronger for it. I have yet to see another man that I find as intriguing as Jason. I cannot believe that anyone ever enticed me and made such an impact on me that could ever sway me from being with Jason. He is my life and my soul I could neverr throw that away. |