Steve and I slowly became friends. We saw each other at meetings and the meeting after the meetings. Kind of group dating. He was many years older than me and the thought of our relationship being any more than friends hadn't occurred to me. He was also "safe", meaning he wasn't trying to hit on me and draw me into a relationship. He told me later that he thought we'd just be friends and I'd eventually find "the right man" and move on.
It took me about a month to finally visit him at the shop. I think he'd probably given up on seeing my face there. I went in one day with the intention of inviting him to lunch, but he was unable to leave at that time. A mutual friend, Susan, was there, and she went to lunch with me instead. It was also around that time he told me he'd been diagnosed with a tumor in his esophagus. He probably told me because I'm a nurse and figured I'd be of help. I was scared because my uncle was dying of esophageal cancer at that time. Steve went for an esophageal dilation and biopsy in the middle of September 1995. A couple of weeks later, he was told the biopsy came back negative. In spite of my education, I really didn't know much about esophageal cancer then. Over the next two years, I was going to learn more than I ever wanted to know. It was that evening he asked me out for the first time. It was "I'd like to take you out to dinner sometime," with the implication that we'd go out as friends. At least, that's how I took it. But it was the first time I even halfway considered him anything other than a friend. Actually, it just kind of popped into my head, unexpectedly. I have to admit I was surprised by those feelings. I went into denial. It was impossible to feel that way for Steve, he was too old. And I knew he couldn't possibly feel the same about me. Even more amazing is the fact I didn't run as fast as I could, to get as far away as I could. I just stayed in denial and came up with all kinds of reasons for those feelings: "I'm vulnerable and he is just a nice man." "I just don't want to be alone and he's there." And anything else I could come up with. And I just kept pushing those thoughts out of my head. Or, I tried to anyway. It was a couple of weeks before Steve and I went out. In the meantime, he had moved into Susan's basement. He told me about it and said he wanted me to hear it from him. Apparently, there was some gossip about it, Susan and I even made some jokes about the gossip that might be heard when Steve and I did go out for dinner. Steve also wanted me to know that he wasn't trying to "hit" on me and he wasn't trying to draw me into a relationship. When we finally did go out, it was for Sunday brunch, after an early morning meeting. Even though the biopsy had come back as negative, he still had swallowing difficulties and wasn't able to eat much. But, I enjoyed his company and was disappointed when it was time to leave. I started visiting him at the shop more frequently, usually on the days I didn't have to work. In fact, it was becoming more difficult to stay away. If I didn't go see him for a few days, he would call and tell me that he'd been spoiled by seeing me and that he'd missed my visits. I was enjoying his company and missed seeing him when I couldn't go visit him.
I still struggled with the feelings that were developing. I couldn't believe I was feeling this way about a man who was 19 years older than I was. I was still trying to deny them, I didn't want to feel this way. But, I wasn't staying away.
