options

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events that lead to his death with a suicide intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not change his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicide intent would not have been successful under any circumstance caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun because of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he could not hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking the decedent.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man was confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore, the killing of the decedent appeared then to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

But further investigation turned up a witness that their son was seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady) had cut off her son's financial support and her son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first, confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't going to help, you can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking and after about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton on the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking, as Saddam falls about laughing. A few minutes later the second button is pressed, and this time a big boot comes out a kicks Clinton in the shin. Again, Saddam laughs,and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the balls, he's finally had enough.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later, he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Sod this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

MI5 (the British Secret Service) is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. "Do you love your wife?" "Yes I do, Sir." "Do you love your country?" "Yes I do, Sir." "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" "My country, Sir." "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, same scenario. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is following by a bunch of screaming adn crashing sounds that end after a few minutes.

The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!"

"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The American says,"Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The American looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, suckers!"

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice?

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

&

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

There were three guys stranded on an island. They'd been there a long time. They had plenty of food and water but had no way to get off the island. One day a big box drifted up to the shore. They excitedly opened the box, only to find a bunch of trash and old rags. At the bottom, though, they found a magic lantern. Remembering the story of Aladdin, they rubbed the lamp furiously, and lo and behold a genie popped out. The genie was very glad to be out of the lamp and agreed to grant each of the guys one wish.

The first guy said, "You know, I was rich and powerful back at home. I had a multi-million dollar corporation, fast cars, faster women. I jet-setted all over the world, eating fine food, drinking fine wine, seeing the world's wonders. My wish is to return to the life I had."

POOF! He disappeared.

The second guy said, "Well, I didn't have what that guy has. I just had a job down at the local gas station. But I have a beautiful wife, three beautiful and wonderful children - a really nice and fulfilling life. My only wish is return to my home."

POOF! He also disappeared.

Now it was the third guy's turn, "Gosh, I didn't have a life at all like either of those two. I'm not rich. I'm not powerful. I'm not married. I'm not anyone's dad. I didn't even have a job or a girlfriend. My life was pathetic. The happiest days of my life were spent right here on this island. You know, my wish is for my two buddies to come back."

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrahs."

So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrahs. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The voice says, "Crap!"

P is for the popcorn you pop so you have something to eat in your hands soyou can't type your paper

R is for all of the reading that you are afraid to start because you know that you won't remember it tomorrow anyway

O is for the overwhelming amount of time that one can manage to waste in an evening instead of doing work

C is for the crying you will do when you realize what types of grades you are going to get because you haven't done your work

R is for the radio dial that you are playing with so that you know when you do start your work there will be good tunes on

A is for the the grade that you won't be getting on the paper that you are trying to avoid writing

S is for the soup that you make when you are done with the popcorn so you continue to have something to occupy your hands

T is for the test that you have at 9:00am tomorrow and you haven't yet began to study for

I is for the insane amount of time that you are wasting by reading this email

N is for the nodding off in class that you will be doing tomorrow after staying up all night avoiding your work

A is for the amazing typing skills that you have developed since you have become an email freak

T is for the terrible grade that you know that you are going to get anyway, so why bother studying

I is for the inevitable fact that you just know that your work isn't going to get done tonight

O is for the outstanding organization of your desk that you have managed to accomplish while "getting ready" to work (we all heard that one before!)

N is for never giving up on the belief that you will eventually do all the work that needs to be done.

Honk if one of the kids fly out.

I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.

CAUTION! I drive like you do!

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Life is too complicated in the morning.

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

Women are proof that men can take a joke.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

If we aren't supposed to eat amimals, why are they made with meat?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

My wife said "If you skydiving one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.

Today's subliminal message is: ( )

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.

Welcome to California. Now go home!

HANG-UP & DRIVE!

BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.

Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.

I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.

I can only please one person a day, and today ain't your day... (tomorrow ain't looking good either).

Men are idiots and I married their king.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician

The more people I meet, the more I like my fish.

Work is for people who don't know how to steal.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Hardwork has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now!

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.

Have a nice day... somewhere else.

I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.