'The Shower'
You Decide
I had been seeing this guy for about a month, and we were in my bed, fooling around. While it's true we had gotten intimate too quickly, he did something that was, at the very least, a bit presumptuous. We were dry humping - fully dressed (I could've walked out into the street, that's how fully dressed I was). In the blink of an eye, he was nude, with neither my help nor my consent. He proceeded to climb up my body as though I were a ladder. He then jerked off to fruition - IN MY EYE. OK, it was really all over my face, and my eye was closed - but his bodily fluids did pool up in the pocket of my closed eye. My arms - which up until this point had been pinned under his knees, hands flailing - broke free and pushed him off me. I said, "Uh-uh. No way" as I shook my soon-to-be-crusty head disapprovingly. I got straight to my bathroom to rinse off. Upon my return to his apparent interest in snuggling, he said, "Wow, you don't like �The Shower'?" At this point it occurred to me; there needs to be some etiquette for freaky sex stuff. How do I let a guy know that there are some levels of intimacy that need approval � before execution?
Signed,
Crusty the Clown
**Based on a True Story**
First things first, 'The Shower'! What I found most disturbing and deplorable is � what kind of man sits around thinking of names for his swine like actions. One must wonder what other �tricks� he has got in his bag of abhorrence. Guys need to know there are certain intimate sexual acts that are strictly 'love� related. Meaning, �The Shower� benefits one individual and one only (hard to believe but true), why would any sane person think that a �newcomer� would appreciate and enjoy this type of atrocious behavior. Even in true love � ten years of marriage plus� this act would still be pretty hard for the �average� women to �swallow� (no pun intended). This story comes awfully close the 'Dirty Sanchez'. It is almost two years to date that I learned of the so-called 'Dirty Sanchez' (not from experience � I repeat - not from experience) � let�s just leave it at: it involves women on top, guys finger goes in somewhere (ass) and then he leaves its �remnants� across the upper lip of one innocent & dumbfounded female. The namesake �The Dirty Sanchez' is attributed to the �The dark mustache� left in its place. Have men gone bat-shit? Where are they coming up with this stuff? Better yet how can we detect it before it�s too late and we ourselves fall victim to bedroom unpleasantries. To answer your question � YES � there should be some proper etiquette imposed for this sort of wicked behavior. Maybe women should create a pre-dry�hump�tial (kinda like prenuptial) for them to sign before the act of intimacy commences. Something that will state what is allowed and what is just not kosher. As for me � I�m drafting my papers as we speak cause that is some stinky foul play and it just ain�t right. Good luck to you on any future endeavors.
Signed: fegolicious �homey don�t play dat� fego
