by Katsue
Sometimes words weren’t enough, weren’t needed, sounds that drifted across the surface, unable to express the depth and fullness of their intended meaning. Silence could be peaceful, comforting, a tacit understanding that needed no clumsy attempts to translate its subtle textures into something more rigid, less expressive. This was something that Hisoka had come to understand very well – finding the right words wasn’t easy when you’d spent most of your life knowing that your feelings, at best, didn’t matter, and at worst were a vulnerability to be exploited and abused. Withdrawing further into himself, he had found solace in an imaginary special person, someone who understood, who cared, who loved and comforted him, who wanted to protect him. He had never really expected to have that person become flesh and blood, to be able to hold him in his arms and feel whole at last, and yet here he was, very real and warm; gentle, sad and aching, dark head nestled against Hisoka’s chest – Tsuzuki.
They had just returned from a mission that neither of them had wanted to go through with – taking the life of an 18 year old girl fatally injured in a car-crash but who refused to let go of life because she couldn’t bear to see her father so distraught. By a cruel twist of fate, the father had been stuck in the queue of traffic that had built up behind the accident, on his way over to see his daughter, cursing the delay and unaware of its cause until he finally passed the mangled metal wreckage that the police were preparing to tow away, and recognised it as the remains of his daughter’s car.
There was no way that the girl could have lived on for very long with the severity of her injuries, internally haemorrhaging, and it would have been inhumane to let her carry on like that, but that didn’t make taking her life any easier. Tsuzuki had been unable to face her father afterwards and Hisoka had fumbled for words to offer the grieving man, knowing that words would not bring his dead daughter back.
Returning to Meifu in silence, the two shinigami felt bleak and Tsuzuki definitely wasn’t up to going into the office and faking a cheery smile. “Back to my place?” suggested Hisoka, “I’ll phone and let Tatsumi know what’s happening.” Tsuzuki nodded gratefully, and managed a small smile. There was no need for explanations or pretence between the two of them, they had long since moved past that point, an unspoken understanding between them that they would get through everything *together*.
Hisoka tightened his hold on Tsuzuki, pulling him closer and burying his face in that soft silky brown hair. It was an effort for him not to break down in tears himself as he held his sobbing partner to his chest. He couldn’t remember when they first found themselves falling into a pattern of finding comfort in each other after a difficult case, but it seemed so natural that he wondered why they hadn’t done it sooner. He had always known how much Tsuzuki hated himself for accepting immortality while taking the lives of others, but it had taken time for the trust between them to become strong enough that they didn’t have to hide behind defensive facades and emotional shields when they were alone together.
Often they would just sit quietly together at times like this, each knowing that the other understood and cared, and sometimes that was enough, but there were times like now when the comfort of physical contact was welcome. Tsuzuki found cuddling easy and enjoyable, but it had taken Hisoka longer to accept and offer this sort of closeness. Right now, he couldn’t imagine doing anything else – it would have seemed so wrong to just leave Tsuzuki to crumble inwardly or cry without reaching out for him. He had often longed to be able to protect his partner, had felt like a burdensome child due to his lesser abilities, but now he realized the importance of just *being there* for Tsuzuki, accepting him and caring about him.
It had momentarily seemed strange to have someone so much larger, older and more powerful than himself sobbing in his arms like a small child, but it somehow felt right. Hisoka gently ran one hand along Tsuzuki’s back, a soothing caress that came all too easily, Tsuzuki’s gratification at being stroked surging up to meet Hisoka’s shyness and slight anxiety at realising that the tenderness of his caress, the way his face was buried in Tsuzuki’s hair expressed something more than close friendship. Even their position, Hisoka half-sitting, half-reclining on the cushion at one end of the couch, Tsuzuki lying down with his head against Hisoka’s chest and his arms wrapped around the boy, seemed to suggest that they were lovers rather than partners. Tsuzuki’s hands had somehow wormed their way inside Hisoka’s black vest top and with each movement either of them made, the fabric rode further up, the strip of exposed milky-white skin between the waistband of his jeans and the hem of his top gradually growing wider.
With a little wriggle, Tsuzuki moved downwards a few inches until his face rested against Hisoka’s now-bare stomach. He was still crying, clinging, burrowing as though he wanted to completely meld with Hisoka, find the place where he belonged, deep inside of him. Hisoka whimpered as he felt Tsuzuki kissing him, gentle but insistent, full of longing, the wet warmth of his tongue caressing smooth skin. He reached out one trembling hand to stroke Tsuzuki’s hair, a painful-sweet ache slowly building deep down inside, cramping his insides and sensitizing his skin to even the lightest of touches.
Hisoka gave a little gasp as he realized that Tsuzuki was pushing his top further up, as far as it would go, and when he felt his partner’s fingertips softly stroking a now-exposed nipple he cried, an incoherent, long-drawn out wail of pleasure. Doing anything other than completely giving himself to Tsuzuki was unthinkable at this point. Trying to pull him even closer, he could feel that warm strong body shaking, strange emotional sounds that were halfway between a sob and joyous laughter muffled against Hisoka’s stomach.
“Tsuzuki?” Hisoka whispered, a soft strangled sound, choked with feeling. Tsuzuki looked up, and moved so that his head rested beside Hisoka’s on the large cushion. Hisoka looked at his partner in dazed awe – he’d always known that Tsuzuki was beautiful, even though he would have vehemently denied having such thoughts, but that beauty had never quite affected him as it did now, making his heart ache and the longing twisting inside him grow all the more acute. Those gentle amethyst eyes were so expressive, and now, fringed with tear-soaked lashes and darkened with emotion, they made him look so vulnerable that Hisoka wanted to hold him and never let go, wanted to protect him from all harm, was glad that his empathy allowed him to share everything that Tsuzuki was feeling, no matter how painful. Tsuzuki had been there for him, protected him, cared about and understood him, often better than he understood himself, for so long now that Hisoka needed him as much as he needed air, food and water. And he needed to express that feeling so badly right now.
Slipping forward those few inches across the cushion, Hisoka cupped Tsuzuki’s face in his hands and softly captured those warm, smooth lips with his own, trembling slightly at daring to do something so openly affectionate and giving. The answering damp nuzzle of Tsuzuki’s mouth told him that it was ok, that this was the right thing to do. Hisoka’s lips parted in response to gentle prising from the tip of Tsuzuki’s tongue and then the world lost focus as that tongue surged forward into his mouth, tenderly probing and exploring. Tsuzuki was radiating such desperate need, an ache that encompassed but went so far beyond sexual desire that it was almost overpowering.
Cradling the back of Hisoka’s head with one hand, Tsuzuki used his other arm to pull Hisoka’s slender frame closer, to press their bodies tightly together, encouraging Hisoka to arch into him and holding him like that, a willing captive, writhing and whimpering, hips rocking into Tsuzuki’s, mewling as their every movement ground his throbbing erection against his partner’s answering hardness, sending wave after wave of fresh arousal washing over him, through him.
A pause, a moment of brief respite – Tsuzuki was tugging at his top again. “Is it allright if I take this off?” he asked, violet eyes pleading with Hisoka. Hisoka nodded mutely, stretching his arms above his head. He felt the whisper of fabric as his top brushed upwards over his chest, against his face and then disappeared off somewhere over the edge of the cushion, and raised his head to look at Tsuzuki. He didn’t need to see Tsuzuki’s wide-eyed, amazed gaze to know that he liked what he saw – he could feel it. Fingertips brushed lightly over his chest, stopping to tease a nipple on the way, then stroked downwards, coming to rest against the waistband of his jeans, taking hold of the metal button. Hisoka stared, stunned, meeting Tsuzuki’s pleading gaze. So sudden, so... The thought caved in on itself as Tsuzuki extended a finger under the waistband and into Hisoka’s boxer shorts. “No” wasn’t really an option and certainly not the option he wanted to take. Trying to catch his breath, he managed to whimper his assent, his eyes fluttering closed as he felt the warmth of Tsuzuki’s hand enfold his arousal then delicately lift the fabric of his boxers up and over the swollen and aching flesh, freeing him. His jeans were pushed down to his knees, a tender lick bestowed on the tip of his cock and then he felt himself being lifted, one hand under his shoulders, the other under his hips, and Tsuzuki’s mouth came down on him. Hisoka submitted helplessly, arching upwards against the damp warmth that seemed to be everywhere at once, sucking, licking, nibbling and kissing.
He was being devoured – there was no other word for it, Tsuzuki’s quest for intimacy seemingly being to eat him whole. He shivered as Tsuzuki lapped at every part of his body he could reach, tongue caressing his stomach, dipping in to taste his navel, surging upwards to curl round first one nipple then the other, nuzzling his neck and brushing outwards and down one arm, licking the delicate area on the inside of his elbow. Tsuzuki’s hair drifted softly against Hisoka with each movement, silky strands tickling his already oversensitized skin. All Hisoka could do was moan as Tsuzuki traced a wet trail along the insides of his thighs, up and along his erection, pausing at the tip to caress the smooth skin there, round and round in unbearable little circles before softly licking along the slit. Hisoka cried out, unable to do anything *but* lie there, suspended in Tsuzuki’s strong arms, making incoherent little noises of pleasure. He squirmed against the wet heat, unable to take much more, fumblingly trying to open Tsuzuki’s shirt. He succeeded but now that too was playing havoc with his senses, drifting against his bare skin as Tsuzuki moved upwards to kiss his mouth then swept back down his neck and across his pale chest to suckle on a nipple, his tongue fluttering gently against the tip. Hisoka abandoned all thoughts of who might hear him as he set up an impassioned wail, unsure if he could stand this sweet torture any longer yet not wanting it to stop. When Tsuzuki’s head settled between his legs, tongue lapping at the base of his shaft, licking slowly upwards, teasingly exploring the tip and then doing it again, Hisoka felt his eyes watering. Was he crying? He didn’t even know himself. All he knew was that the emotional impact from this was as strong, as overpowering as the physical pleasure, Tsuzuki’s longing sucking him deeper and deeper in. “Please?” he whimpered, a barely audible sound. Tsuzuki understood, the warm sheath of his mouth taking Hisoka inside, the sweet hot wetness engulfing him and leaving him panting, unable to think as he reached the point of no return, unbearable arousal toppling over into the pure and shiveringly sweet sensation of orgasm, releasing into Tsuzuki’s mouth.
Tsuzuki held him tightly for a few moments before gently letting him down, laying him on the couch and sinking down beside him. Hisoka nestled against him, feeling Tsuzuki pulling him close again, embracing him. He was amazed when Tsuzuki softly touched his face and looked up at him, his eyes even more vulnerable and pleading than before. “Was that ok?” he asked, almost as though he was afraid that Hisoka would reject him.
“Idiot,” whispered Hisoka, fondly, leaning forward to kiss his partner, “you know it was!”
“I was frightened – frightened that you’d push me away, that you’d hate me for doing that to you,” murmured Tsuzuki, still very unsure of himself.
Hisoka slipped his arms inside Tsuzuki’s shirt and snuggled into him, rubbing his face against the smooth warmth of his bare chest. “How could I hate you for... for...” Hisoka broke off, unable to find words for what had just happened. Hatred was the very *last* thing he felt towards Tsuzuki.
“I came onto you... so strong. I....” murmured Tsuzuki, with a stab of guilt and sorrow. He stroked Hisoka’s hair, his movements gentle and tender. Never want to hurt you...
“I didn’t mind,” Hisoka felt his cheeks colour a little, but he meant his words. He extended one hand across Tsuzuki’s chest, feeling the softness and warmth of his partner’s bare skin – oh, he felt lovely to touch. Doing that felt good, so he ran his fingertips lightly down Tsuzuki’s side and then back up again, slowly. The whimpers of pleasure his actions elicited just made touching him feel even better.
“You didn’t mind? You really didn’t mind?” Tsuzuki asked, in wonderment.
“I liked it.” Hisoka moved so that he was propped up a little against the cushion and could look at Tsuzuki better, but so that he was still able to trail fingertips from Tsuzuki’s neck down to the waistband of his pants and back again. He wanted to touch Tsuzuki as much as possible. Those pants were in the way. Reaching down, he fumbled with the clasp
“I... I held you so that you... couldn’t... get... away..” Tsuzuki’s words came in gasps as Hisoka unzipped his pants, sliding a gentle hand inside his boxer shorts and eased his erection from the confines of the fabric, wrapping his hand around the warm hardness, cupping the head in his palm.
“I wanted it that way with you,” Hisoka murmured, lifting his head to look into Tsuzuki’s eyes, still caressing the warm flesh that pushed, pulsed and nuzzled into his hand. He hung his head a little, cheeks flushing a deeper pink, eyelashes momentarily fluttering downwards. He opened his eyes again, meeting Tsuzuki’s impassioned violet gaze. Pushing Tsuzuki’s pants and boxers down, he slowly began to work the throbbing flesh in a steady rhythm. Doing this felt as exciting as being touched himself, it felt almost the same, and there was something completely intoxicating about seeing and feeling his beautiful partner so helpless and aroused under his touch.
“I don’t want to get away,” he whispered, leaning over Tsuzuki, “I don’t.. want.. you.. to ... let.. me.. .....get ..away – I won’t let you... get ... away either...” He couldn’t believe he’d just admitted that, but he felt a shudder of pleasure run through Tsuzuki at his words, at the combination of possessiveness and utter submission. Through the endless repetition of blood-hued sakura dreams, Muraki had taught Hisoka to submit, that his will was there to be broken, and somehow, even through all the burning hatred, helpless rage, resentment and shame this caused him, the urge to give all of himself to the one person he really wanted to be with had grown. Submitting helplessly to Muraki’s every touch made his blood boil with frustration; doing the same thing with Tsuzuki had become an unbearably arousing recurrent fantasy. He had fought against and repressed this weakness with all he had, terrified of being hurt, controlled, humiliated or abused again by anybody, but....
He looked down at Tsuzuki, who was writhing and moaning under his ministrations, dark hair falling over his face as his head turned restlessly against the cushion. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. His. The only person he ever wanted to belong to. Hisoka sank down beside Tsuzuki, pressing his body close and resting his head on the cushion. He felt Tsuzuki’s mouth come down on his, soft and wet, and parted his lips to let him in. The kiss heightened his own arousal and brought Tsuzuki close to the edge.
Suddenly, to Hisoka’s surprise, he felt Tsuzuki’s hand on his, gently lifting it off his erection. “Uhhhh??” he mumbled into Tsuzuki’s mouth, only to be silenced by the quivering intensity of the kiss. The next thing Hisoka knew, Tsuzuki had wrapped his arms firmly round his slender torso, and had pulled him on top. His hands slid down to clasp Hisoka’s rear, pulling their bodies tightly together, hips bucking, rotating and thrusting into each other. Hisoka would have cried out at the sensation of their naked erections rubbing together, his own pleasure literally doubled by the contact, but Tsuzuki wasn’t going to release his mouth anytime soon, kissing him more deeply, passionately. It was too much and Hisoka loved it, tears of joy and excitement trickling unashamedly down his cheeks, as his aching hardness ground against Tsuzuki’s again and again. They came together, sliding tremulously against each other through the wetness as the overpowering sweetness of their orgasm subsided.
They lay together in each other’s arms, a dazed sticky mess, for quite some time afterwards, still kissing. They’d broken off the kiss briefly, but the separation had felt too painful in their emotionally open and vulnerable state, so they stayed joined until they both felt halfway capable of speaking or doing anything.
Finally, Hisoka lifted his head to look at Tsuzuki, and was greeted with a whimper. “Don’t go!” said Tsuzuki in a small voice. Hisoka brought his hand up to stroke Tsuzuki’s face. “Not going anywhere,” he said softly, smiling tenderly down at his partner. Tsuzuki smiled back – a genuine happy smile, warm and loving. He reached up to kiss Hisoka again. “Don’t want to be parted from you,” he murmured.
“Baka. What makes you think I’d let you go?” Hisoka brushed his fingers through Tsuzuki’s hair, looking at him in wonderment. Tsuzuki hadn’t got an answer for that and gazed up at Hisoka, eyes wide and vulnerable, but no longer saddened or afraid. “You’re so pretty!” he whispered, touching Hisoka’s face, brushing the trailing fronds of fair hair aside. Hisoka turned and captured the stroking fingers in his mouth, tongue fluttering delicately over his fingertips. Tsuzuki moaned softly and arched his body upwards in pleasure. Hisoka felt himself twitch to life again and vaguely wondered if they could ever get enough of each other. This was unreal – he’d come twice already and he wasn’t satisfied?? The realization that they would gladly overdose on each other if they could left his head swimming, his insides cramping up with desire. Nuzzling his way slowly down Tsuzuki’s throat, he licked at the pulse point, causing the older shinigami to whine, a soft noise that caught in his throat. Moving lower, Hisoka drew his tongue over Tsuzuki’s chest and closed his mouth over a dusky-coloured nipple, feeling it pebble up and harden under his caressing tongue. Rewarded by a long-drawn-out “aahhhhhhhh!” and Tsuzuki bucking and squirming beneath him, he suckled on the hard little peak, delicately touching the very tip with his tongue over and over again. This felt as sweet as anything that had gone before, as they slipped and slithered against each other in the sticky wetness between them.
“Hisoka?” said Tsuzuki.
Hisoka looked questioningly at his partner.
“Can you wriggle out of your jeans without getting off me?”
“Why without getting off you?” Hisoka asked, teasingly. He knew why and he knew what was coming, feeling a momentary flutter of apprehension and excitement in his stomach.
“Don’t want to let go of you!” murmured Tsuzuki, kissing him and holding him close.
Getting Hisoka’s jeans disentangled from his ankles proved no easy task, especially as they were trying to do so by the dint of using their feet, with Hisoka trying to wriggle his way free of the constraining fabric. He wasn’t sure how they were going to succeed without bringing each other off in the process, either, because the way Tsuzuki was holding him, they couldn’t help but squirm and writhe against each other, and he didn’t think he could hold back much longer. Eventually the jeans slithered to the floor, freeing Hisoka.
Tsuzuki gently touched the side of Hisoka’s face, making him look up. “Spread your legs for me?” he asked. That pleading, vulnerable look was back. Hisoka understood and swallowed down another little flutter of nervous apprehension. He moved so that he was straddling Tsuzuki, and allowed himself to be eased upwards until his head flopped over Tsuzuki’s shoulder and his knees were practically up around his ribcage. The slight discomfort of the awkward position (he found himself kneeling over Tsuzuki rather than actually sitting on him) and any apprehension he felt were obliterated in an instant as Tsuzuki gently tickled the sensitive skin along the inside of his thighs. Hisoka gasped, his legs almost buckling, and clawed at the cushion in an attempt to hold onto some kind of solid reality and not lose all sense of himself, not lose control completely. He was so painfully aroused that the light, teasing touches were almost driving him crazy. He could hardly bear it, and chewed on the cushion as a way of trying to cope. Tsuzuki stroked higher, tracing a maddeningly gentle trail upwards, softly cupping Hisoka’s balls for a moment before moving further up to tease his entrance with one fingertip. Hisoka’s whimper of pleased surprise was muffled into the cushion and he tried to turn his head so he could look at Tsuzuki. The position they were in, it would have been difficult without spraining his neck or tipping himself off the edge of the couch, so he settled for snuggling closer and whining softly with pleasure, He hadn’t realise that being touched there could be so nice. He was disappointed when the touch stopped and he couldn’t feel Tsuzuki’s fingertips on him anymore, but before he could wonder why, that touch was back, wet and slippery, one slick finger gently worming its way inside him. Hisoka breathed in sharply, a little stab of fear gripping his insides. Then the fear was gone, almost before it had chance to settle, and he relaxed, allowing Tsuzuki to slip another finger inside him. The discomfort at being stretched seemed irrelevant compared with the weird and wonderful sensation of Tsuzuki’s fingers moving within him, with Tsuzuki’s gratification at being allowed to explore him so intimately.
Hisoka allowed himself to relax, enjoying the gentle probing, the comforting emotional warmth from Tsuzuki and the relief that this didn’t hurt. He didn’t have to be afraid, everything was going to be ok, they... oh God.... what.... what was Tsuzuki *doing* to him?? He cried out, his whole body quivering, and pushed back onto Tsuzuki’s fingers, sobbing in ecstasy. His legs were shaking, threatening to give way beneath him, but he didn’t want to collapse, didn’t want Tsuzuki to stop touching him *there*, wanted to be consumed by this shuddering, searing sweetness cramping his insides.
Tsuzuki withdrew his fingers and Hisoka knew exactly what he wanted to do, what they both needed. Wriggling down Tsuzuki’s body, he captured Tsuzuki’s mouth in a wet kiss, and then backed up a little further, his hand reaching unsteadily for Tsuzuki’s cock. Placing the tip against his entrance, he pushed down, slowly, gasping as he felt himself slowly being filled, further, deeper, deeper, feeling Tsuzuki’s hands on his hips, holding him, steadying him. Hisoka still felt unsteady, shaky and overcome, looking down at his beautiful partner in amazement – he had Tsuzuki inside him, where he belonged.
“Are you ok?” asked Tsuzuki, softly, his hands brushing over Hisoka’s slim hips in a soothing caress. Hisoka nodded, and then watched, wide-eyed, as those caressive hands sought out the sensitive junction between inner thigh and groin. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh..... Hisoka squirmed and bucked, wringing a strangled moan of pleasure out of Tsuzuki, who almost involuntarily thrust upwards in response. Hisoka tentatively rocked his hips, causing Tsuzuki to buck up into him again, and it felt so nice that he just had to do it again and again, riding those thrusting hips, wailing as every movement, every impact as their bodies slammed together, brought him closer to the edge. He could feel Tsuzuki’s tremors of ecstasy pulsing through him melding with and heightening his own, exquisite shivers of absolute feeling. He felt almost giddy, clinging onto Tsuzuki’s arms for support as their rhythm grew harder, faster, more demanding, more intense.
Tsuzuki shifted, sitting up against the cushion, pulling Hisoka with him into an impassioned embrace, hips rocking up against him. Hisoka wound his arms and legs around his partner’s back, clinging tightly to him, revelling in the warmth and closeness, the sensation of Tsuzuki’s bare skin against his own. He lifted his head and tipped his chin, beseeching Tsuzuki with damp, parted lips. Tsuzuki’s mouth met his own, their tongues entwining, caressing, thrusting hungrily, almost desperately. Being so close was wonderful, it was almost enough, but he knew now that he could never get enough of Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki slipped one hand into the tight heat between their bodies, enclosing and massaging Hisoka’s swollen, heavy, painfully throbbing erection. Shuddering, Hisoka let out a cry of pure ecstasy into Tsuzuki’s mouth, surrendering totally, convulsing and shivering as his warm seed spilled out over Tsuzuki’s hand, as he felt Tsuzuki release inside of him.
They clung to each other for a few minutes, reluctant to let go even if it was only to change position, eventually slithering down, still holding each other, until they lay together on the couch, Hisoka’s arms up around Tsuzuki’s neck, Tsuzuki holding Hisoka close. Hisoka kissed Tsuzuki again, warm, loving, gentle, and snuggled closer, feeling Tsuzuki reach up to stroke his hair. He felt so happy he could cry. He had been afraid and trapped behind defensive barriers of his own making for so long, and had longed to reach out to Tsuzuki, time and time again, and now...
Now, he just wanted to go to sleep in Tsuzuki’s arms, feeling safe, needed, wanted, loved.
“Wash and bed?” suggested Tsuzuki, softly, and then realising how tired Hisoka was, he continued: “But it’d be a shame to disturb you – you look so peaceful there.” Hisoka vaguely felt Tsuzuki moving and tugging at something, then covering him up with something light and warm – his shirt.
“Can’t let you get cold,” murmured Tsuzuki, tenderly, cradling Hisoka’s small form in his arms. Hisoka nestled into Tsuzuki’s chest, and listened as he heard Tsuzuki singing softly to him – a song that he didn’t recognize but that was so soothing and gentle it could only be a lullaby. With the exception of one of the maids at his house, no-one had ever sung him a lullaby before. Hisoka let himself cry, burrowing into Tsuzuki’s chest, kissing him. It was ok to cry, to feel small and safe in those strong warm arms. There was nothing to be afraid of, he could finally open his heart up and let someone in – Tsuzuki, his Tsuzuki.