jan24

Jan 24, 2003
"A place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind. So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times. I once contemplated suicice and woulda tride, but when I held the 9, all I could see was my momma's eyes. No one knows my struggle, they only see the trouble. Not knowin it's hard to carry on when no one loves you."

It's strange. Well not strange. I just don't know why. Ever since I can remember, I've had friends come up to me for advice and shit. I was the guy you could talk to. From what I can tell, talking to me helped them. What I don't get is how I was able to talk to them. I have no way to relate. My parents aren't divorced. All though they act like it. I don't have any dead relatives or anything. Any that did die, died when I was really young. I don't have trouble in school, i'm just lazy. I can't say I don't have any friends. I don't have any real way to relate to people alot of the time. (I know this will sound kinda funny cuz I joke about it so much) My parents don't beat me or anything. There's no way for me to relate to others. Other than shared interest, like music and shit. Sometimes I think about it. I don't know if I want something like to happen so I can relate or what. I don't know if that's like an evil thing to say. I know acouple people that have some serious problems right now, and there's no way for me to help. I can't even talk to them about it. But I want to help them so much. It just makes me feel so bad when I see my friends hurt. I guess this is why I'm always trying to keep a positive attitude. I just think that if I can help in some way, this is it. I'll try to make them laugh, or make them feel better.

But, sometimes I feel like talking to some one about everything thats been bothering me the past couple of months. I came so close today. I was just about to say it. It was at the tip of my tounge. I was like "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Just tell her!!!! You can tell her!!!!!!!" But then the urge to say it went away. There's only 3 people I feel I can really talk to. It's not that I don't trust every one els, I don't know what it is. I guess it's cuz they've shared some personal stuff with me, despite our history.

I think Jen is mad at me cuz I'm not doing as well as I should be in school. I think she can tell that I don't really care about school. I know if I gave it my all, I could easily pass all my classes and all that crap. I have the "potential" teachers always say students have. I know I sound kinda cocky and all that, but it's true. All you got to do is memorize the essentials in class. Like how to solve a math problem or notes you wrote down during class. It's kinda like memorizing how to spell word to prepare for a spelling bee. You know you'll forget most of the words in acouple of days. But as long as you can remember it long enough to win the spelling bee, you will succed. I sound realy stupid right now. I just want to get school over with. I'm just doing it to cuz I have to. I still don't know about college. But that's only because I don't know what I want to do later on in life. I do have an interest in radio and thats kinda my goal for now. I really don't want a job that doesn't invole scocializing. In the radio biz, you get to talk to people, answer peoples questions, meet the rich and famous. Plus you get to listen to music all day. People tend to think highly of when it comes to school and shit like that. I don't consider some one as smart when they are good at repeating facts.

I want to get away from it all. Far, far away. But I also feel like bringing part of it with me. I'm gonna start saving up and plan for my road trip. I plan to drive around the state and see the sights. This is gonna be the summer after I graduate high school. I know every one wants to go sky diving on their 18th birth day, but I seriously am going to go sky diving during my trip. I'll be 18 by then. My car gets good milage and is still in good condition, even though its like 13 years old. In about 50 years, my little Honda Civic will be as classic as a '64 Chevy Impala!

I grew up thinking, I would never be like those guys that break the law and drop out of school. But I kinda see my self heading in that direction. I know i'm gonna get pulled over some time and then get damned to hell for not having a license. I'm not even trying any more in school. Just passing the time. I'm a rebel with out a cause!!!! I don't think this is a good idea, but ima say it any ways. While walking home after school, just before Jen picked me up, I picked up acouple of rocks and started throwing them in to the water. I was walking behind Toys 'R' Us and all them stores. I had the last rock in my hand wondering if I could make it across the river (I wonder if that is a river)? Then I saw a parked car nearby. I though, I wonder if I can hit the car???? I threw the rock as hard as I could and hit the side window. I have no idea why I had the urge to do it. But I did. And I just walked away. Pedro called me and said he was with Jen and Patty, and they wanted to know where I was so they could give me a ride. They came by and thats it. I've done it before, but I don't know why. I was kinda mad at the time cuz of Gripkey not signing the thing for Out Door Ed and I guess it was me just venting out some anger.

Damn this is a long one! I feel much better after everything I just said. Getting all that off my mind. It's like sticking your head in the freezer, taking a deep breath, and enjoying the good feeling. I wonder who reads this? I still have way more to say. So much more to comment on. So many questions. Notice how at the begining of this entrie, I was very serious, then towards the end, I kinda lightend up. When I grow up and have kids, and one of them tells me he's having problems, ima slap him up side his head so hard!!!! Then ima tell him my stories of when I was young. My final thought: I really wanna know what people think of me. Good or bad. I wanna know what their first impressions were. I wanna know why some people act different around me then they usualy would. Every one does it, even me. It is 4:17 AM. I must go to sleep. I have to work today. Later today. Yeah...