| Apr 3, 2003 I deleted the actual entry that I had here. I dont know what I was thinking when I typed it. I dont know... I just dont know. Stupid shit is happening and all I can think about is some one. I dont know if it's because I find comfort talking with her, or what. Im really holding back on what I want to say. Im feeling the need to stop being so damn contradicting. If you didnt know me and you read my journal entries, you would think I'm pretty fucked up. And I am. At school, Im this helpfull, happy, generous person. Nothing wrong with that. Thats me. But thats all you see of me. I have this wall that ive put up so no one can hurt me, but me. I've let acouple people past that wall, but it still bothers me when Im that happy go lucky 24/7. I feel like im lying to every one. Some one asks me how im doing, Ill be like im fine "insert funny joke here". When really I want to say something like fuck off. Another thing that is really bothering me is Ms Smiths class. She is really cool but half the class wont shut the hell up. I keep thinking, tell them to fucking shut up. You are very, very, patien with all of people and if the see you finaly had it, mabey the will be quiet. I'm totaly emotionaly drained. I got alot of shit going on. Alot of different emotions running on high. Alot of frustration that I really dont want to missdirect. Thats probably the worst one. I remember, sometime last week, I was sitting next to Patty and she was poking me. I turned to her and I told her to quit it. You could tell from my tone of voice that I really ment it. I got so freekin mad over her poking me. I do know how to control my anger pretty well. I guess I just slipped up. I've been getting alot of sleep, but it doesnt help. I'm just so tired of alot of stuff that it's take alot out of me. Things are just gonna get worse and I'm gonna be pushed to my limits. |