Francis Chantree Fragrances

Francis is a much travelled man. He has sampled the spices of the Orient, the perfumes of Paris and the armpits of many people in economy class on Easyjet. He has put his experience into creating an exciting new range of (rather obsessionally self-referential) fragrances pour l'homme. Find the fragrance for the man you are!

Lord Francis

The gentleman's fragrance. For the man who has the understated style and impeccable manners of a true Englishman. A classic blend of musk, sandalwood and hypocrisy. 5 fl. oz.: £30 10s 6d.

Frankie!

The young fragrance that always wants to party! An exciting blend of citrus, Bacardi Breezer and spermicidal lubricant. 1½ Litres: £19.99 (£3.99 duty free).

Methadone

For the man who has dared live life to the full. Evocative of the high times (though never very satisfactorily). 50mg daily: £6.40 (prescription only).

Ambiguity

The classic Francis fragrance. The scent for whichever mood you are in. A confusing blend of patchouli, frangipani, amphiboly, polysemy, homonymy and despondency. Be it! 150ml: Your sense of identity.

Franco

Inspired by Francis himself, this is the fragrance for the Latin Lover in you! An unsubtle blend of bull's semen, testosterone, motor oil and Spanish fly. 100ml: 59.99 euros.

Irrelevance

The post-modern fragrance for the young radical. A pointless blend of senselessness, inanity and vacuity. 0ml: You couldn't afford it.

Francis/Frances

The unisex fragrance for both him and her. Show how much you love your partner by smelling just like she does! A worrying blend of jasmine, lavender, Babycham and oestrogen. 50ml: £25.99

Why not buy our coffret* containing samples of all the Francis Chantree range of fragrances, and attract virtually anything that moves.

*(Yes, that it what it's called. It's French, apparently.)