The Important Rules of PhD Research!
Many wise things have been said about how to get a PhD. A lot of these things are collected in a wonderful book by Gordon Rugg and our own dear Dr. Marian Petre. This book is The Unwritten Rules of PhD Research and is available from all good newsagents for about 12 quid - more, obviously, if you choose to buy the hardback "collectors" edition bound in hand-tooled Moroccan leatherette. However, there is one problem with The Unwritten Rules of PhD Research: true to their word, they haven't written the rules down!! Well, not the important rules. I'm talking about those axioms and moral guidelines that make us who we are, define our humanity, and give us a sense of self-worth (even when our supervisors tell us that we've wasted everybody's time and should have never given up the career at Tesco's). Here are the rules, the important ones, written down, that will help you. (They've been summarized under convenient headings that show you to which part of your rapidly evaporating lifestyle they apply.)
Love
Falling in love is nice at any time of life. However, when this happens during your PhD studies it can be particularly beneficial. Primarily, the tide of emotion that you will experience surging within your eager breast will make you realise just how pointless and insignificant a PhD is in the grand scheme of things. This will help you to stop worrying about it and just get on with it. Also, you'll have more time to do work as you'll will be able to stay awake longer and you won't need lunch breaks. You don't need sleep, food, etc: you're in love. On the downside, several activities may begin to seriously eat into your studying time. Chief among these are writing bad poetry, walking along beaches at sunset with everything seemingly shot in soft-focus, and staring into space grinning. Worst of all though, if you actually have any contact or communication with the object of your affections then you might as well just jack the whole thing in.
Death
The death of a family member, a friend or a much loved pet can have a seriously negative influence on your studies. I speak from personal experience; I'm not being flippant. Keith the Hamster may be a constant source of comfort and succour on long winter evenings when you've returned late from the office, but he won't be around for ever. You'll stagger in one night and draw up a chair next to his thoughtfully feng-shuied cage, just ready for one of those little chats that have kept you sane over the foregoing months. But squeaks will there come none. Then you'll espy his lifeless yet somehow still beautiful body slumped at the wheel. You should never have encouraged him to take up such a rigorous training schedule - physical health is important, but he was always more the artistic type. You realise that now, but it's too late! You will have to bury yourself in your work, constantly strive for perfection in everything you do, and maybe just maybe you'll be able to forgive yourself one day.
Power and Glory
We're talking supervisors here. Yes, supervisors are great. They know everything and yet they've still got time to listen to your drivel. However, slowly but surely they will begin to exert a Svengali-like influence over you and they will expect you to do exactly what they say. There are several ways you can go from there. Doing what they tell you to do will get you a PhD and, ultimately, membership of the golf club and the Freemasons. Pretending to do what they tell you to, but actually doing something more to your liking, will get you some respect from your fellow serfs, but your PhD will take about 3 times as long. Refusing point blank to do what they tell you to do will get you blacklisted, so you'll have to gain your academic reputation by actually doing something important rather than just the usual rubbish. If none of these options appeal, then probably the only course open to you is to "get it on" with your supervisor. This oils the works and should see you home safely, though the decrepitude of many supervisors can make it unappealing. (See the "love" section for further information, should things get out of control.)
War and Peace
With a bit of luck, these should not be issues in early 21st century Milton Keynes. Unless, of course, you're studying the development of the novel as a literary form in mid 19th century Russia.
Cheese and Onion
Crisps play an important role in the lives of most PhD students. Except, of course, in the case of those students from continental Europe and from the colonies who cannot be expected to grasp the niceties of English cuisine. Crisps are cheap, flavoursome and you don't have to cook them. Also, science has proven that they are good for you! Yes, an average serving of crisps contains more than 14 times the recommended daily intake of vitamin B52 for a person of average build and fairly sedentary habits. Prawn cocktail crisps contain genuine artificial prawn flavouring which has been sited as a possible cure for cellulite. In 1997, a certain Miss Annabel Mothball completed her PhD at Upper Wolverton Institute of Sociology and Hairdressing (UWISH), having eaten nothing but crisps for the whole 3 years! She received a special commendation from the examiners for her thesis on the postmodern trichological influences in the Harry Potter films, and a free packet of smokey bacon from the university tuck shop as a token of their gratitude and admiration.
Insanity
It is said that there are many roads to successful completion of a PhD. However, one of them definitely leads to a bed in one of the county's maximum security care facilities and days spent chain smoking and doing 1000 piece jigsaws of Constable's The Hay Wain with a care assistant called Sheila. There are telltale signs that you have embarked upon this particular route, and you should watch out for them. Firstly, computers don't understand what you're saying to them - at least the ones that they give us lot don't. Shouting won't help, and physical violence will mean that you have to go and ask nice Alan in the TBT office to make you another one. Secondly, the other people you meet at the university are actual human beings too and not part of a dream you're having. If you hit them or touch them in inappropriate ways they will tell somebody and you will have to pretend that you were suffering from a momentary lapse of sanity brought on by intolerable stress. Which of course you were. But this'll still get you barred from ever taking out life insurance, adopting children or serving in Her Majesty's armed forces. So it's probably worth it, actually.
