But now I'm going to have to go to penance the next morning, and of course this'll be a heavier penance because of what I'd done already. And when the Mother Superior says, �We're going to do penance the next morning," I'm going to be initiated as a Carmelite Nun. And I remember when she walked with me down into that particular place it was a dark room. Now remember, I lived above on the first floor until my Black Veil. After the Black Veil, they take me one story under the ground. And I live there from then on until God delivered me. I didn't live in the top part of the buildings at all.

But you know, as we walked into this room it's dark and it's very cold. And when we walked in, we came from back there somewhere. We come walking towards the front. And I walked along beside the Mother Superior. And when I got near the front I saw those little candles burning. Anywhere in the convent you'll find the seven candles burning. And when I came a little closer I saw the candles, but I couldn't see anything else. And I wondered what is she going to do to me. That's the thing in our hearts and we can't get away from it, because we had fear.

And when I come a little closer I saw something lying on a board there. And, you know, when I came real close then I realized here's a little Nun lying on that board. I called it a cooling board because it was that. And just as long as her body. And there she was. And when I could see where the candles flickered down on her face I realized that child is dead. And, oh, I wanted so much to say, "How did she die? Why is she here? How long do you keep her here?" But, you remember, I signed away every human right. And so I can't say one word, but I stood looking.

And then the Mother Superior said, "You stand vigil over this dead body for one hour." And at the end of the hour a little bell is tapped and another Nun will come to relieve me. And may I say, I was advised every so many minutes I would have to walk out to that little body and sprinkle holy water and ashes over the body and say, "Peace be unto you." And I did exactly what they told me to do. Oh, it was a terrible feeling. I'm not afraid of the dead. Its the live people we have to be very cautious about. And I wasn't afraid of that little dead Nun, but, oh, my heart ached for her.

And you know after the bell tapped and I realized my hour had gone, the Nun who come to relieve us comes back here somewhere. And of course we walked on our tip-toes. No noise was made in the convent. And they don't speak, they just touch you. And of course, my being down there with that little dead Nun, and I was full of fear, when that girl laid her hand on my shoulder I let out a scream -- a horrible scream - from fear - just fear.

And, you know, I didn't mean to do it. I didn't break that rule on purpose, but I was scared. And immediately, of course, I had to come before the Mother Superior and that's when I first learned to know, one of the first times, about a dungeon. They didn't tell me there were dungeons in the convents. And she put me in such a dirty, dark place, with no floor in it for three days and nights. And I didn't get any food and any water. And I'll assure you I didn't scream any more. I tried so hard not to break the rules of screaming, because there is a dungeon and I know they'll put you in it. And, let me tell you right now, it's not a nice place to be. After you've been in one of those places you'll know what it feels like.

Alright now. I'll say this before I go any farther that Popery is a masterpiece of Satan. I said it's a masterpiece of Satan with his lying wonders and its traditions and its deception. It's a terrible thing when you know about it. And so as I come down into this room, she took me, and let me look at this little girl, the penance is over, the very next morning she said again to me, "Charlotte, you're going to do penance." Not the next morning -- it was three days after because I spent three days and nights in the dungeon, the fourth, fifth morning, whichever it was, she said, "You're going to do penance." She took me down into another room - not the same room. And when we come walking down this time I could see that big piece of wood, but I didn't know what it was. And when I came a little closer there was a cross. It was made of heavy timber. I might say it was maybe eight or ten feet high. Very heavy. And that cross was sitting on an incline like that. And she had me walk over here at the base of the cross, and she said, "Now strip your clothes off." And I took my clothes off. And then she made me -- down to my waistline -- then she made me drape my body over the foot of that cross, and she pulled my hands underneath and bound them to my feet. And then, you know, that's where I learned to spill my blood. And she had not told me how, and neither could I ask how I would spill it.

And she gave two little Nuns that came with her a flagellation whip. I might call it a bamboo pole. It's about this long�it's about that big around. And it has six straps on it about this long. And on the end of either of those straps is a sharp piece of metal. And those little Nuns, either was given one of these whips, and they stood on either side of the cross. Now, at the same time those girls began whipping my body. And I mean when that metal hit my body it would break the hide, of course. It would cut into the flesh and I spilled blood. And it was running down to the floor. That's my flagellation whipping. That is where I spill my blood as Jesus shed His upon Calvary.

And of course I'm human. It wounded. It hurt. It was very painful. After the whipping is over they don't bathe my body. They put my clothing back on my body and I have to go the rest of the day.

When the night comes and I stand in front of my cell, there -- I have to stand there to undress with our backs to each other. And then when I went in, oh... I couldn't sleep that night. I just wasn't a bit sleepy because I couldn't take off all my clothes. They had dried in those wounds. And it was terrible. I didn't take them off for several nights.

And, I'll assure you, when I came before my food, I didn't want my cup of black coffee. In the morning we get a cup of black coffee they serve in a tin cup. We can have no milk and no sugar of any type. And we have one slice of bread that's made by the Nuns of the Cloister. They weighed it. It weighs four ounces. That's all I get for breakfast. And then of course in the evening I get a bowl of soup. And that's fresh vegetables cooked together. There's no seasoning in the soup whatsoever, and a half a slice of bread. And three times a week they give me a half a glass of skim milk. That consists of my food three hundred and sixty five days in the year. And I began losing weight very rapidly, I'll assure you, because I didn't have enough food to eat. I don't know the day I went to bed without a hungry stomach. Sometimes it would be so hungry I couldn't sleep. The pain was gnawing. You can't hardly stand it. And you know you're only going to get that one slice of bread the next morning. That doesn't fill you up. And of course we have to work hard all day long. And I'll assure you... those little Nuns, and I covet your prayers for them. They need your prayers in more ways than one because you'll go to bed with a full stomach tonight. And you're very comfortable right now. But I'll assure you there's not one of them that's comfortable. They're hungry and they're sick and they're wounded and they're hurt and they're heartsick and homesick -- and discouraged. And worst of all, seemingly, they have no hope. No hope.

You and I are looking forward to the day when we're going to see Jesus. They have no hope whatsoever. And I surely hope you don't forget to pray for them. Alright. That was terrible, I'll assure you.

And then in a few mornings after this the Mother Superior is taking me back for another initiation. And when I go into the penance chamber this morning -- we come from a place up here-- and we're going to walk back along like that clear to the back. And you know it's quite a ways back here, and I went - part of it's a tunnel. And then I come out into a room. And I walk through into that room. And when I get way back there I see those candles burning. And I see something else. There's ropes hanging down from the ceiling. And, oh, I'm so scared. I wonder what the ropes are for, and what's she going to do? After these two penance you begin to have a lot of fear in your heart.

And so I can't say anything and I walk back there. And you know I saw the ropes. Real plain. What are they doing hanging down from that ceiling? Then she tells me, "You go over there against the wall." About that close to the wall. And I have to stand sideways like this. And she asks me to put up both of my thumbs. And I did. And then she pulled one rope down. And there's a metal band fastened securely. And she fastens that around the joint of my thumb. Then the other one comes down and it fastens around this thumb. And there I am standing there like this facing the wall. And then, you know, she comes over here to the end - there's a...whatever you want to call it, she starts winding. And I start moving. And she's taking me right up in the air. And, you know, when she gets me so just my toes are on the floor - just on my tip-toes - she fastens it. And there I hang. And all the weight of my body is on my thumbs and on my toes. Not a word is said. No one speaks a word. And she walks out of that room and locks the door.

If you know what it means to hear a key locking a door, and know that I'm strung up there like that... you'll never know unless you're a Nun. And when that woman walked out I didn't know how long I'll stay there -- how long that woman will leave me there.

And you know, they didn't come to give me food. They brought me no water. And I thought, "Is this it? Am I going to die back here just like this?" And within a few hours... you can imagine. I'm still a human being. My muscles began to scream out with the pain. I was suffering. And that woman let me hang. And no one come near. And what good would it do for me to cry? You can spill every tear in your body. Nobody will hear you. There's no one there to care how many tears you spill.

And so I just hung there. And finally I began, seemingly I felt like I couldn't stand it - I'll surely die if they don't come and get me quickly. And I felt as if I was beginning to swell. I don't know how long went by, and she opened the door one morning and she had something for me to eat. And the water was in a pan. And it was potatoes. And those potatoes were not good to eat. They were in a pan. And there's a shelf over there on the wall that she can adjust to the height of the Nun. And, you know, she pulled it out. Now, I'm not against the wall. I'm about this far from it. But to get that food... she puts it there, and she said, "This is your food." And she walks out. Now, how am I going to get it?

She didn't let my hands down. But this is what you learn. And you struggle to get it. I'm hungry. I mean I'm so thirsty I feel like I'm going mad. And to get it I discovered that this hand goes high and this one will come down a little bit. And I'll keep right on going higher if I lean. I have to reach higher with this one, this one will automatically let down. And to get that water and that food, I mean, I had to get it like the dogs and cats. And I lapped as much of it as I could because I'm so thirsty. And get those potatoes I tried as hard as I could because I'm hungry. I mean I'm hungry. And I got as much of it as I could, naturally. But I was hungry.

That's the way she fed me for a while and then she released the bonds on my hands and on my feet. I shouldn't have said on my feet. She didn't release the bonds. She let me hang there for nine days and nine nights. I almost got it mixed up with one of the other penance that I wanna get to you asap; I hung nine days and nine nights in this position.

And let me say, the time came when I was so swollen here, and naturally I could see myself puffing out here. I felt like the eyes were coming out of my head. I felt like my arms were apart. They were two or three sizes their normal size. I felt like I was that way all over my body. And I was like a boil. I was in real suffering.

And then on the ninth day she comes in. And she releases the bonds from my hands and my body. She lets me down on the floor. Now I go down and I can't walk. I'll assure you I didn't walk. I didn't walk for a long time. But you know what, there's two little Nuns that carry me out. One gets under my feet and the other under my shoulders. And they carry me in the infirmary, and lay me on a slab of wood. And there they cut the clothing from my body. And let me tell you right now, nobody but God will ever know -- I'm covered with vermin and filth. Why? I'm hanging there in my own human filth. There are no toilet facilities. Right behind me is a stool. And they have running water in it, and the lid is down and they have sharp nails driven through that lid. If I break my ropes and fall on that, I would suffer terribly.

And this is the life of a Carmelite -- a little Nun behind cloistered doors - after they've already deceived us -- disillusioned us and got us back there. Then this is the life that we're living. And these are the things that we're going to have to do. I'll assure you, it isn't anything funny.

And then I remember, as I lived on in that place, oh, let me tell you, we have to get up out of our bed for 4:30 in the morning. The Mother Superior taps the bell, and that means five minutes to dress. And may I say to you folk, it's not five and a half minutes. You better get that clothing on in five minutes. I failed one time, and I had to be punished for doing it, but I never failed again in all the years in the convent.

And you know when we're finished dressing then we're going to start marching. And we march by the Mother Superior. And that Mother Superior is going to appoint us to an office duty every morning. It might be scrubbing. It might be ironing. It might be washing. It might be doing some hard work. But I have to work one hour. Then we'll go in and gather around the table, and we'll find sitting in front of us our tin cupful of coffee and our slice of bread.

And then, of course, we have hard work to do. I think there were twelve tubs in the convent that I lived in. And we washed on the old-fashioned washboard. We have the old fat iron that you heat on the stove.

And, you know, it wouldn't be so bad if we just had our own clothing in the convent. But the priests bring great bundles of clothing and put them in there because he can get them done for nothing. And we have to do that clothing on top of it. We work very very hard. And they're not able to work because they don't have enough food to keep body, mind and soul together. And those little girls are living under these particular circumstances.

And, I say, we're women without a country. And I mean just exactly what I say. Women without a country. Now we belong to the Pope. Anything they want to inflict upon my body they can do it. And all the howling I do, if I should howl, it wouldn't make any difference because nobody is going to hear me. And they have no idea that I'll ever leave the convent. The plan is that I'll die there and be buried there.

Now you say, "Charlotte, can you go into the convent?" Any one of you folks can go into a closed convent -- into the speak room. And there is an outside chapel that you can walk into of any that I know anything about. But you know, don't you just go in there to wander around not to have some place to go, because you might meet something that you're not expecting. If you go there you go prepared to take food to some little girl that's in there. And be sure that you know who you're taking it to. And when you go, as you walk up toward the front of the building, like this, you'll see a bell. And you know what to do because it will tell you. You press a button there and there'll be a gate swing out. It has about three shelves on it. And, of course, you've brought something for someone that you know in the convent. It might be the mother coming to visit her daughter.

And, you know, when that bell is tapped, the Mother Superior is back here behind the big black veil. Now that's a big black gate there. And there's heavy folds of black material clear across there. And you can't go back there. You'll never see the Mother Superior, but she'll answer you through the black veil.

And you might say, "I've brought some homemade candy for my daughter." And you might ask the Mother Superior to let you speak to her. You can't see her, but you can speak to her.

You know, the mother will call that lovely little girl, and call her out on the other side of the grail, and of course you can't see her. And you know what, the mother will speak to her and say, "Honey, are you happy here?" And that little Nun will say, "Mother, I'm very happy."

You say, "Why did she say that?"

Well, bless your heart, don't you know that the Mother Superior is standing there? And if we didn't say that, after our mother had gone, then God only knows what the Mother Superior will do to the little Nun. And so we just lie to our mother.

And then the mother will say, "Do you have plenty to eat?" And that little Nun will answer and say, "We have plenty to eat." But, I tell you that mother will go home. She'll prepare a lovely meal for the rest of the family. But if she could look in and see our table and see what her little girl is eating, if she could look into her little girl's eyes after she's been there three or four years, she'd see those eyes are back in her head. She'd see that her little body's began to waste away. I'll assure that mother that she'll never eat another meal at home. No, never. You'd never enjoy another meal if you could see your child after she'd been in a convent for a period of time. But these things of course are under cover, and we have to take what they give us.

Alright, now they can make us do anything. Here we are, the Mother Superior and I might be down in the laundry room washing. And I told you how we wash. And its a cement floor. And, well, doing the type of laundry we do - some of it's very heavy - the water slops out on the floor. And, oh, it's such a mess. We'd walk in it. And you know, then, here comes the Mother Superior.

And to me, our Mother Superior, I'd just as soon you turn loose a lion that's very hungry and let it come walking down that aisle as to see a Mother Superior in a convent. I was scared to death of her. Every time I saw that woman, somebody had to suffer. And we're afraid of her and she knows we're afraid of her. Because she's cruel. Her heart is calloused.

And here she comes. And, you know, there we are washing. And, I'll tell you, that when she comes - and we know... we feel her presence before we ever see her. We know her footsteps. And, you know, we'll wash a little harder. But when she gets down to where we are, she might address me. And she'll say, "Now, you come out here." And I'm out there like a flash because I'm scared. And then she'll say, "Prostrate yourself down there and lick so many crosses on that floor." That's a cement floor. And, of course, I have to prostrate my body and lick those crosses. And those are not little tiny crosses. As far as I reach, I'll have to lick those crosses.

And she watches my countenance. If I don't like it, and she knows that I don't like it, then she might say, "Ten" - she might say, "Twenty-five." And, you know, then the next morning she may walk back through there again and because she saw something in my face that made her to know I didn't like what she wanted me to do, she may call me again. And my tongue, by this time, is sore. It's bleeding, but I have to lick the crosses on the floor again.

And then they do the same way by compelling us to crawl. They'll compel you to crawl. And, may I say, it could be up and down an aisle like this ten times. And it'll not be on a beautiful rug like this. It'll be on a floor that you know what you're crawling on.

And, you know, I'm crawling, and I have to crawl like this - upright. And my, my... my knees. Don't they hurt! And I might make it five or six times. And then I might not have enough strength to go the other three or four times. And I'll faint. But she'll pour some cold water on me and tell me to crawl again.

And, may I say, then I'll try to finish it out. And maybe the next day she compels me to crawl again. By this time there's scabs on my knees. I mean, those knees are sore. But I must crawl again.

This is the life of a little Nun. We're doing penance. And then she teaches us to believe that God is looking down out of Heaven - He's smiling His approval upon those little girls. And God is made happy through our suffering. And because we are heathens - we don't know any better - we've never read the Bible. We've never had any Scripture. And so those little Nuns are ignorant of the Word of God. You know, we are just raised under the tradition of the Roman Catholic Church. And we know nothing about this lovely Gospel of Jesus Christ. And so we have to do these things.

Then the Mother Superior might walk through the cell door -- by the way, in our cells, there's nothing in there but the Virgin Mary, and, that is, she's holding the baby Jesus. And there's the Crucifix. And then we have a prayer board. And by the way, I'll assure you folks, that you'll never want to lean on our prayer board. We lean on it everyday if we are able to walk under our own power. It is a board about this high from the ground. And there are two leading up like this one. And this one is about that wide. I'm going to drop my knees down on it. And there's sharp wires coming up through that board. And then, this one up here, I prostrate my arms on, there's going to be sharp wires.

After all, I told you we were going to suffer. We're going to do penance. And this is a part of my suffering.

And as I lean on that prayer board, I'm praying for lost humanity. And I'm believing as I suffer that my grandmother will be released from a priest's purgatory sooner, because of my suffering. And I kneel there longer, sometimes. Oh, it's terrible, but we don't know any better. So we do that, because that's all that little Nuns know. And we believe it.

And there we are. And we are locked in our cells. Every night the key is turned in those doors. We can't get up and come out of there. And then, more than that, seven minutes to twelve - we go to bed, at nine thirty the lights are out - seven minutes to twelve, there's two little Nuns appointed to unlock every door. Every little Nun again gets on her feet, dresses in full dress, goes into the inner chapel, and there we again pray one hour for lost humanity.

We don't get very much sleep. That's why. And we don't have enough food and we work hard and we suffer much. That's why our bodies are so broken.

That's why we seemingly don't have enough strength to carry on after we live there.