======================================

*Act 1 *

/(The front curtain is down, showing an image of a waterstained curtain.
A bass note is played as the Queen image on the curtain is replaced by a
series of dates, one after the other)/

1956 - Elvis releases Heartbreak Hotel
1964 - The Beatles conquer America
1969 - Woodstock
1975 - Queen release Bohemian Rhapsody
1977 - Sex Pistols banned from the BBC
1981 - Bucks Fizz win the Eurovision Song Contest
1990 - Jive Bunny ruin 12 songs on one record
1993 - Mr Blobby goes in at number 1
2001 - Hearsay manufactured

/(The bass becomes recognisably the introduction to 'Innuendo'. The
timeline continues:)/

2002 - Hearsay disintegrate
2007 - First digitally created cyberstar tops the chart
2009 - Ugly people banned from the charts
2021 - Radio 1 plays the last non-computer-created tune
2030 - Kids require a licence to own electric guitars
2046 - ALL MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS BANNED

*Hey!
While the sun hangs in the sky and the desert has sand
While the waves crash in the sea and meet the land
While there's a wind and the stars and the rainbow
Till the mountains crumble into the plain
Oh yes, we'll keep on trying
Tread that fine line
Oh, we'll keep on trying
Till the end of time
Till the end of time
Till the end of time*

/(The tabs go up. POP is sitting alone on a dark stage, reading a
magazine. He takes out a recording device and speaks into it) /

POP:

Central state library, stardate (whatever the date is plus 300 years). I
must make haste, for I fear my arrest is imminent. Although I never
discovered the exact day on which the music died, it is clear to me that
an ancient entertainment phenomenon known as Pop Idol played a central
role. It seems that the Globalsoft Corporation acquired the franchise
and replaced the human contestants with computer generated cyber
celebrities. With no cultural stimulation, the kids stopped caring.
Democratic government collapsed - and the age of GaGa had dawned.

/(A green cage of laser light appears around POP. KHASHOGGI and two
MINIONS appear behind him) /

KHASHOGGI:

Oh my. Oh my, oh my, what's this? Do I see a little silhouetto of a spy?

POP:

Bummer.

KHASHOGGI:

Tell me, old man. Why do you concern yourself so much with what is past?

POP:

Because it is only the past which gives us hope.

KHASHOGGI:

But you've read the secret histories. Surely you've learnt that there is
no hope.

POP:

There is always hope!

/(He waves his arm and burns it in the green laser) /

Hope is our birthright!

KHASHOGGI:

Then where is it? Where is this 'hope'?

POP:

Any way the wind blows.

KHASHOGGI:

What do you know of the term 'living rock'?

POP:

No more than that which the legend promises. That salvation is to be
found there, at the place of the champions, and that a bright, bright
star will show the way!

KHASHOGGI:

Oh, god, I hate hippies! Consign this miserable creature to the Seven
Seas of Rhye. //

/(the MINIONS put an orange helmet on POP's head) /

POP:

Make love, not war!

/(POP and the MINIONS descend into the stage. KHASHOGGI waits to one
side for a moment to watch the school steps slide on stage, then leaves.
Standing on the steps are three TEACHERS and the GAGA KIDS) /

TEACHERS AND KIDS:

**

*We sit alone and watch your light
Our only friend, through teenage nights
And everything we want to get
We download from the internet *

*No need to think, no need to feel
When only cyberspace is real
It makes us laugh
It makes us cry
It makes us feel like we can fly
(Globalsoft)

Hope to record our life online
Touch any key, the world is mine
We're lost in space
But we don't care
Without your light our world's not there

Complete control, you are the power
Our lives are programmed by the hour
Globalsoft (Globalsoft)

All we hear is radio Ga Ga
Video Goo Goo
Internet Ga Ga
All we hear is cyberspace Ga Ga
Marketing Blah Blah

Always something new
Globalsoft, all your world loves you

We watch our shows
We watch your stars
Across our screens for hours and hours
We hardly need our eyes or ears
We just log on and dreams appear
(Globalsoft)

We're not alone
We have our friends
On cyber love we can depend
So stick around cos we'd all miss you
We need our graphics
Need our visual

Complete control, you are the power
We use our lives up by the hour
Globalsoft (Globalsoft)

All we hear is radio Ga Ga
Video Goo Goo
Internet Ga Ga
All we hear is cyberspace Ga Ga
Marketing Blah Blah

Always something new
Globalsoft, all your world loves you
Loves you*

/(GALILEO comes on stage and lurks behind the pillars) /

VOICE:

Students of Virtual High, school's out. Get out there and have some fun.

GAGA KIDS:

Hurrah! Hurrah!

/(the KIDS and two of the TEACHERS leave the stage. One TEACHER remains
and addresses GALILEO) /

TEACHER:

Hey mate, go out and celebrate! School's finished - your life is just
beginning!

GALILEO:

G-g-good! The s-s-sooner it begins the s-s-sooner it's over with.

TEACHER:

Oh, come on, mate! You have so much potential. You could get a job in
any division of Globalsoft you choose, yeah? How about - music programming!

GALILEO:

I don't want to programme music. I want to make music, real music, my
own music!

TEACHER:

Hey mate! Cool it! Now listen, www/[email protected].

/(everyone in the audience who's even vaguely internet-savvy cringes)/

GALILEO:

My name is Galileo Figaro.

TEACHER:

No, nobody is called Galileo Figaro. Where on Planet Mall did you come
up with that?

GALILEO:

I found it. In a dream. I have these dreams, see:.and I hear noises.
Screeching, thudding, b-b-banging noises:.and words. Words just drop
into my head. Too many words. Help - I need somebody. /(GALILEO clutches
at TEACHER) /Help! Not just anybody!

TEACHER:

I understand. I feel your pain. But come on, mate! You live in a perfect
world. What more could you possibly want?

GALILEO:

**

*I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self-satisfied, I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free
*

/(TEACHER exits, shaking her head) /

*I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
In love with a world that's for real
I've fallen in love, yeah
God knows, God knows I've fallen in love

It's strange but it's true
I know I'm different and there's some things I have to do
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free, baby
Oh yeah, I've got to be free
Oh yeah, I want to break free

This existence is wrong
I can't get used to living without, living without
Living without hope, it's a lie
I don't want to live alone
God knows, I've got to make it on my own
So people can't you see
God knows I've got to
God knows I need to
God knows I want to break free
*

/(green laser cage appears around GALILEO. KHASHOGGI and TEACHER enter
stage right) /

KHASHOGGI:

You say this boy wants to make his own music?

TEACHER:

Yes. The little freak says he hears it in his dreams.

KHASHOGGI:

And he is aware that music other than that programmed by the Globalsoft
Corporation is illegal? The act of an individual?

TEACHER:

Of course - but he doesn't care.

KHASHOGGI:

Has he ever tried to make a musical instrument?

TEACHER:

Once, in technicial studies. He was caught trying to stretch plastic
string across an empty lunchbox.

KHASHOGGI:

Did he:.pluck it?

TEACHER:

Yes, but claims he didn't know why.

KHASHOGGI:

I think I shall have to talk to this boy.

/(the green lasers disappear and GALILEO sinks into the floor) /

TEACHER:

Goodbye - mate!

KHASHOGGI:

Are there any other potential Bohemians in this year's graduation group,
or is he the only one?

TEACHER:

I'm sorry to have to report that there is one other. A repulsive
creature - a girl.

/(SCARAMOUCHE enters on the school steps stage left, as KHASHOGGI and
TEACHER exit stage right) /

SCARAMOUCHE:

*I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self-satisfied, I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free
*

/(five GAGA GIRLS enter. They're all wearing different colours so that's
how we'll identify them) /

PURPLE:

Check out the weirdo, girls!

YELLOW:

Don't your mum download you anything decent to wear?

SCARAMOUCHE:

I make my own fashion statements!

PURPLE:

What's today's statement, then? 'Hello, I'm a pathetic ugly little zero?'

BLUE:

How will you ever get with one of the boys from the boyzone dressed up
like some sort of freak?

GREEN:

You're a disgrace to the GaGa girls!

SCARAMOUCHE:

I ain't no GaGa girl! And I'm not interested in the kind of boys-r-us,
duh-brain zone-clones you hang out with!

PINK:

You are such a sad loner!

SCARAMOUCHE:

Well, you sure are right about that - bitch!

GAGA GIRLS:

Oooh!

SCARAMOUCHE:

*Can anybody find me somebody to love? *

/(laughter from GAGA GIRLS) /

SCARAMOUCHE:

*Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet (take a look at yourself)
Take a look in the mirror and cry (and cry)
Lord, what you doing to me
I spent all my years to believe in you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord
Somebody (somebody), ooh somebody (somebody)
Can anybody find me somebody to love
*

PURPLE:

Somebody to love you? Yeah, right!

BLUE:

Hello! That is SO not going to happen.

PURPLE:

Stop daydreaming and get a virtual life!

SCARAMOUCHE (& GAGA GIRLS):

*I work hard (she works hard)
Every day of my life
I work till I ache in my bones *

*At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my broken heart all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray (praise the lord)
Till the tears run down from my eyes (oooh)
Oh somebody (somebody), ooh somebody (somebody)
Can anybody find me somebody to love

Everyday (everyday)
I try and I try and I try
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm going crazy
They say I got a lot of water on my brain
I got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah! *

*
Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat (You just keep losing and losing!)
I'm OK, I'm all right (she's ok - she's all right)
And I ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell (prison cell)
One day I'm gonna be free, Lord!

(Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love)

Find me, find me oh...

(somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody
Somebody find me somebody to love)

Can anybody find me somebody to love
Somebody to love!
*

/(KHASHOGGI and two MINIONS enter. GAGA GIRLS scatter and exit) /

KHASHOGGI:

How very touching, young lady. But surely you understand that the
company loves you. Arrest her.

/(the MINIONS grab SCARAMOUCHE and they sink into the floor. KHASHOGGI
leaves. Video screens come down displaying the words 'GLOBALSOFT
BOARDROOM') /

VOICE:

Workers of Globalsoft - junior executives, senior executives,
vice-presidents, presidents, chairmen, chairwomen, chairtransexuals and
chair-androgynous-artificially-created-lifeforms. Please prepare to
welcome the chief executive officer of Globalsoft planet-wide -
[email protected]/theWorld //

/(audience cringes anew as a chorus of YES THINGS enters) /

YES THINGS:

*She keeps Moet et Chandon
In her pretty cabinet
'Let them eat cake' she says
Find me on the internet
A built-in remedy
For Kruschev and Kennedy
At anytime an invitation
You can't decline

Caviar and cigarettes
Well versed in etiquette
Extraordinarily nice

She's a Killer Queen
Gunpowder gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Recommended at the price
Insatiable in appetite
Wanna try? *//

/(KILLER QUEEN rises through the floor)/

KILLER QUEEN:

*To avoid complications
I never keep the same address
In conversation I email like a baroness
Met a man from China
Went down to Geisha Minah
But then again incidentally
If you're that way inclined

Perfume came virtually from Paris
For cars I couldn't care less
Fastidious and precise
I'm a
*

+ YES THINGS:

*Killer Queen
Gunpowder gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
*

KILLER QUEEN:

*Drop of a hat I'm as willing as
Playful as a pussycat
Then momentarily out of action
Temporarily out of gas
To absolutely drive you wild, wild
I'm out to get you *

Commander Khashoggi!

/(KHASHOGGI enters stage right) /

The Globalsoft board and I have been discussing your recent security
memo. We want answers. Can you hear me? Is the resistance destroyed?

KHASHOGGI:

Yes - and no, ma'am.

KILLER QUEEN:

What?

KHASHOGGI:

Yes, I can hear you. No, the resistance is not destroyed.

KILLER QUEEN:

Well, what of the old librarian you've been torturing? Do you take the
text that he discovered seriously?

KHASHOGGI:

Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid I do.

/(shocked gasp from YES THINGS. Raised eyebrow from KILLER QUEEN) /

The legend clearly stated that musical instruments still exist somewhere
on Planet Mall, at the place of champions, hidden within the living rock.

KILLER QUEEN:

But which rock, and where? The whole damn planet's a rock, if you didn't
know!

YES THINGS:

Ha ha!

KILLER QUEEN:

And what of this shining star that is supposed to guide us? I have had
the company's finest astronomers combing the heavens for months. There
is no new star!

KHASHOGGI:

Not that we've spotted, ma'am, certainly.

KILLER QUEEN:

Well, star or no star, I intend to blast every rock on Planet Mall to
smithereens, just in case! Stonehenge. Mount Rushmore. The famed
Victoria Beckham Belly Button Diamond. If these grim tools of freedom do
exist, I shall find them!

/(synchronised double clap from YES THINGS) /

KHASHOGGI:

As always, ma'am, you leave me limp with excitement.

/(he leaves) /

Killer Queen:

And now, let us return to the real business of Globalsoft. The business
of the complete appropriation of the imagination of every kid on Planet
Mall. Take a memo! Email to all consumers planetwide. 'Dear everybody in
the world - get online you pleasure seekers, and download the Killer
Queen!' **

*Open up your mind and let me step inside
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide
It's so easy when you know the rules
It's so easy all you have to do is fall in love
Play the game
Everybody play the game of love

When you're feeling down and your resistance is low
Take a cyber-shopping trip and let yourself go
Give me your life
Don't play hard to get
It's a free world
All you have to do is fall in love
Play the game
Everybody play the game of love

My game of love has just begun
Love runs from my head down to your toes
My love is pumping through your veins
(Play the game)
Driving you insane
Come, come, play the game
Play the game, play the game, play the game *

/(the rotaty bit rotates. It looks cool so I thought I'd mention it)/*

This is your life - don't play hard to get
It's a free free world
All you have to do is fall in love
Play the game
Everybody play the game of love *

*Of love, of love, of love, of love *

/(Fade to black. Exit KILLER QUEEN and YES THINGS. Lights up to reveal
GALILEO, seated in the green laser cage, and KHASHOGGI and two MINIONS
standing behind him) /

Khashoggi:

We found your laptop, boy. And read the notes you keep.

Galileo:

So pigs can read! You'll be flying next.

Khashoggi:

What does 'a-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-lop-bam-boo' mean?

Galileo:

Isn't it obvious? It means 'a-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-lop-b-b-bam-boo'.

Khashoggi:

Do you really have a girl named Daisy who almost drives you crazy?

Galileo:

Of course! And she knows how to love me, yes indeed, you don't know what
she's doin' to me:

Khashoggi:

Then where is she? What is her email address? How does she love you? How
does she drive you crazy? Is she a drug pusher?

Galileo:

You're madder than I am, pig! There is no girl named Daisy! I wish there
was:.I just wrote it, that's all. It appeared in my head!

Khashoggi:

Don't play games with me, boy! I'll make you wish you'd never been born!

Galileo:

Don't you think I wish that every day?

Minion 1:

Where is Penny Lane?

Minion 2:

What are the Strawberry Fields?

Khashoggi:

'Under ground, over ground, wombling free'. What means this dark and
cryptic text, boy?

Galileo:

I wish I knew! Oh, sweet mother, I wish I knew:.

/(KHASHOGGI gestures and the 'cage' round GALILEO disappears) /

Khashoggi:

Tell me, Galileo, do you know what a 'bohemian' is?

Galileo:

Haven't you got it yet? I don't know what anything is!

Khashoggi:

Excellent, excellent! I think I've found you just in time!

/(more MINIONS appear at the back of the stage, wheeling a gurney) /

Minion 1:

The Seven Seas of Rhye, Commander?

Khashoggi:

No, not yet. Eventually, yes. But first I think this boy may have his
uses!

/(the MINIONS pick GALILEO up, sit him on the gurney, and wheel it off) /

Khashoggi to Killer Queen!

/(the video screen descends, depicting KILLER QUEEN. Hands are primping
her hair) /

Killer Queen:

Yes, Commander?

Khashoggi:

Good news, ma'am!

Killer Queen:

It had better be; I'm having my hair done. /(to one side)/ Get me a
skinny latte! /(hands disappear)/ So?

Khashoggi:

I believe the last of the remaining rebels will soon be within my
clutches, ma'am!

Killer Queen:

Then you must crush them without mercy!

Khashoggi:

My, my, ma'am, you are an eager beaver.

Killer Queen:

Just leave my eager beaver out of this! We were discussing the rebels.

Khashoggi:

Yes. The last thing we want to do is worry the GaGa kids. Particularly
now, with summer upon us once more.

Killer Queen:

There are no seasons in the virtual world, Commander!

Khashoggi:

Not online, ma'am, but sadly the physical world still exists. It's hot
out there - hot, and edgy. The rivers are drying up, the lakes are
evaporating, and resistance is growing.

Killer Queen:

The bohemians!

Khashoggi:

But of course, ma'am!

Killer Queen:

Who are these people? What do they want?

Khashoggi:

Oh, they want it all, ma'am, and they want it now. They want their
'rhapsody'.

Killer Queen:

That is a prescribed word, Commander! No such state of being exists!

Khashoggi:

Not yet -

Killer Queen:

Not ever! The bohemian rhapsody is a myth! A myth, do you hear me? Have
you not reported that the euphoria they seek can only be unleashed
through music? Real, live music?

Khashoggi:

That is certainly what they believe, ma'am.

Killer Queen:

Then there will be no rhapsody! For there are no instruments left on
Planet Mall! And the kids will never, ever make their own music again!! //

/(evil laughter. Intro to 'Death on Two Legs' plays. The video screen
ascends and KHASHOGGI exits. MINIONS wheel on two gurneys and depart.
GALILEO is lying on one (stage left) and SCARAMOUCHE on the other (stage
right). They are toe to toe, lying down with bandages round their heads.
They see each other and sit up) /

Galileo:

Hey! G-g-gaGa girl! Who are you?

Scaramouche:

I ain't no GaGa girl! And I don't answer questions. Who're you?

Galileo:

I'm - I don't know who I am. But my name is Galileo Figaro.

Scaramouche:

Cool name.

Galileo:

Thank you!

Scaramouche:

I wasn't being serious. Mind if I shorten it?

Galileo:

Well, I suppose 'Galileo' would be -

Scaramouche:

So, Gazza, tell me, why were you arrested?

Galileo:

Well, because I hear sounds in my head. Words and sounds. I'm mad, you see.

Scaramouche:

I was arrested because they don't like the way I dress!

Galileo:

I think you dress beautifully.

Scaramouche:

That's nice. 'Cept coming from a self-confessed nutter, not. So what
sounds do you hear?

Galileo:

I don't know -

Scaramouche:

Do you know anything?

Galileo:

Yes, I - I know I'm different! That's why the boys in the boyzone hate me.

Scaramouche:

The GaGa girls hate me.

Galileo:

Well, do you know why they hate you?

Scaramouche:

Yeah, they think I'm a lesbian because I don't wear pastels.

Galileo:

No, they hate you because they're scared of you. Because you're
different - you're an individual.

Scaramouche:

What do you think they did to us?

Galileo:

I don't know!

Scaramouche:

Do you think they'll ever give up? And just leave us alone?

Galileo:

Don't you see? We're a threat! A virus on their hard drive. And they
won't give up until they've pointed their little arrow at us:

Scaramouche:

:and dragged us to trash!

Both:

*Pressure! Pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure*

Galileo:

*That brings a building down
Splits a family in two*

Scaramouche:

*Puts people on streets *

*Um ba ba be
Um ba ba be*

Galileo:

*De day oh
Ee day oh*

Scaramouche:

*That's okay*

Galileo:

*It's the terror of knowing what this world is about*

Scaramouche:

*Watching some good friends screaming*

Both:

*Let me out!*

Galileo:

*Pray tomorrow gets me higher*

Both:

*Pressure on people, people on streets*

Galileo:

*Day day de mm hm
Da da da ba ba*

Scaramouche:

*Okay*

Galileo:

*Chippin' around - kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours
Ee do ba be
Ee da ba ba ba
Um bo bo
Be lap *

*People on streets - ee da de da de
People on streets - ee da de da de da de da *

*It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends screaming*

Both:

*Let me out!*

Galileo:

*Pray tomorrow gets me higher and higher*

Scaramouche:

*Pressure on people, people on streets*

Both:

*Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work*

Galileo:

*Keep coming up with love but it's all slashed and torn*

Scaramouche:

*Why - why - why? *

/(they leap off the gurneys, push them off stage, and rip the bandages
from their heads) /

*Love love love love*

Galileo:

*Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking*

Scaramouche:

*Can't we give ourselves one more chance*

Galileo:

*Why can't we give love that one more chance*

Scaramouche:

*Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love
Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love*

Galileo:

*'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word*

Both:

*And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night *//

/(they are now at opposite sides of the stage. They turn and start to
walk towards each other) /

*And loves dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves
This is our last chance
This is our last dance*

Galileo:

*This is ourselves*

Scaramouche:

*Under pressure*

Both:

*Under pressure

*/(standing face to face, they almost kiss but turn away at the last
moment)/*
*

*Pressure *

Scaramouche:

So - where do we go?

Galileo:

Well - out into the night! Out into the streets! We're rebels now!
'Cause baby, we were born to run!

Scaramouche:

Don't call me baby!

Galileo:

I'm sorry, it was just a phrase I heard in my head -

Scaramouche:

Yeah? Keep it there.

/(they leave. A video screen descends, showing a TV PRESENTER standing
in front of Stonehenge) /

Presenter:

Stonehenge. Ancient monument to antiquity. Constant and unchanging, its
mighty rocks will stand forever -

/(Stonehenge explodes, throwing the PRESENTER to one side and
off-camera. KILLER QUEEN and KHASHOGGI enters stage right) /

Khashoggi:

We've searched the rubble, ma'am. And what's more, no instruments were
found.

Killer Queen:

Then we've won, Khashoggi. The bohemians will never achieve their rhapsody.

Khashoggi:

With respect, ma'am, the bohemians remain dangerous. All they need is a
leader, that's all it takes. One young rebel, one crazy kid with a
dream, a guitar, and a bad-arsed babe to fight for.

Killer Queen:

Could such a hero exist?

Khashoggi:

Oh, but he does already, ma'am. He just doesn't know it yet. He doesn't
know himself at all. But I don't know, I've always had a talent for
spotting potential.

Killer Queen:

And crushing it!

Khashoggi:

Well, that is my job, ma'am! And with the last dream extinguished,
there'll be nothing left on Planet Mall but entirely untrammelled
marketing, and completely uncritical consumers. You put them together
and what do you get?

Killer Queen:

Alchemy, Khashoggi! Pure alchemy!

*One dream, one soul
One prize, one goal
One golden glance of what should be *

/(enter chorus of YES THINGS) /

Yes Things:

*It's a kind of magic*

Khashoggi:

*One shaft of light that shows the way
No mortal man can win the day*

Yes Things:

*It's a kind of magic*

Khashoggi:

*The bell that rings inside your mind
Is challenging the doors of time*

Killer Queen:

*The waiting seems eternity
The day has dawned of sanity *

*Is this a kind of magic?*

Yes Things:

*It's a kind of magic*

Both:

*There can't be only one
This reign will last a thousand years
We will live on*

Killer Queen:

*This flame that burns inside of me
I'm hearing secret harmonies*

Yes Things:

*It's a kind of magic*

Killer Queen:

*There rings a bell inside your mind*

Both:

*We're challenging the doors of time *//

/(rotaty thing does its stuff) /

Yes Things:

*It's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic*

All:

*This is (this is) a kind (a kind) of magic (yeah)
There can't be only one
This - - - - that - - - - a thousand years
Will soon be done
Now we are one! * //

/(fade to black. Stage clears. We hear voices from off stage) /

Brit:

It's pretty clear up there, Meat!

Meat:

Are you sure the cops have gone?

Brit:

I'm going up to the surface!

Meat:

Be careful - I'm coming up too!

Brit:

No!

/(The backdrop is now of a field of streetlamps and there is a broken
van to stage right. BRIT enters through a trapdoor stage right. MEAT
enters through a trapdoor stage left. BRIT crosses to MEAT) /

You are so stubborn!

Meat:

Yeah - but that's what you love about me!

Brit:

So, what we got?

/(MEAT drops a rucksack on the ground) /

Meat:

Not much. It's mainly plastics and hydrocarbons. But, we got a sheet of
tin that we can wobble. Some pebbles that make a nice rattle, and a
bottle we can blow across, and a piece of wire to twang.

Brit:

Sweet, sweet music! If only we could find another bit of wood to bang
against the one we've got.

Meat:

Yeah!

/(she throws her arms round him, then backs off and puts her hands on
her hips) /

Oh, you naughty boy! I think I've found a piece of wood right here!

Brit:

Oh yeah! No. Your job is to take this stuff back to the Heartbreak.

Meat:

But Brit -

Brit:

No. I travel alone. You know that. How can I do the things I have to do,
if all I'm thinking about is you?

Meat:

Sometimes I wish you didn't care so much about this stuff. Sometimes I
wish we'd never even heard of 'the vibe'.

Brit:

You don't mean that!

Meat:

No, I suppose not. But I miss you so much, baby - it's tougher every
time you go away.

Brit:

I'll be back - I always come back! And one day, I'll bring the Dreamer
with me.

Meat:

Sometimes I think it's us that's dreaming. Perhaps the music really did die.

Brit:

It's only sleeping, babes! It's in a deep, deep sleep. It won't be me
that wakes it - but one day, I'll find the man who can. And if I could
just find it, that lost vibe, then we could share our love with the
whole world! And you know what we get then, don't you babes? We get it
all! **

*Adventure seeker on an empty street
Just an alley creeper, light on his feet
A young fighter screaming, with no time for doubt
With the pain and anger I can't see a way out *

*It ain't much I'm asking, I heard him say
Gotta find me a future move out of my way
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now*

Both:

*I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now*

Meat:

*Listen all you people, come gather round
I'm gonna get me a game plan
Gonna shake you to the ground
But just give me what I know is mine
People do you hear me, just gimme the sign*

*It ain't much I'm asking, if you want the truth
Here's to the future hear the cry of youth*

Both:

*I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now *

*I want it all, I want it all, I want it all*

Meat:

*And I want it now!*

Brit:

*I'm a man with a one track mind
So much to do in one lifetime *

*People do you hear me*

Meat:

*Not a man for compromise *

*And wheres and whys and living lies*

Brit:

*So I'm living it all*

Meat:

*Yes I'm living it all*

Brit:

*And I'm giving it all*

Meat:

*And I'm giving it all*

Both:

*I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it
I want it, I want it, I want it now
I want it all! *

/(we hear voices off stage. BRIT and MEAT hide behind the van. GALILEO
and SCARAMOUCHE enter from the back of the stage. GALILEO is jumping
about enthusiastically, SCARAMOUCHE is just mooching along) /

Galileo:

My whole life, I mean all my life, I've always known that I had some
kind of purpose, y'know, some special destiny! That has to mean
something, surely.

Scaramouche:

Oh, it does. That you're a self-important, arrogant arsehole.

Fine - what 'special destiny'?

Galileo:

It has to do with the stuff I dream. The voices - they always come back
to the same thing. Well - I see a big, wide space. And people - people
everywhere. And noise - huge, huge noise! And then - then come the words.

Scaramouche:

Ooh, what words? /(sarcastic)/

Galileo:

'Seek out the place of living rock. A bright, bright star will lead the
way. Go to where the champions played!'

Scaramouche:

Sounds like bollocks to me.

Galileo:

Hey! Y'know, I dreamed a name for you too, I think.

Scaramouche:

How could you do that? I mean, you only met me today.

Galileo:

Yes, but I always knew I'd meet you. I always knew there was another
rebel rebel out there, another wild thing.

Scaramouche:

Okay - so what do you want to call me?

Galileo:

Scaramouche.

Scaramouche:

Scaramouche? Isn't that bit - sort of - crap?

Galileo:

Well, I did dream some others, but frankly I thought it was the best.

Scaramouche:

What were the others?

Galileo:

Long tall Sally. Honky-tonk woman. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Or
fat-bottomed girl.

Scaramouche:

Okay, I'll take Scaramouche. Scaramouche! Actually, I quite like it.
Sounds kinda anarchic. It's almost like what I think they used to call a
'tune'.

Galileo:

A tune? Yeah:

Scaramouche, Scaramouche - will you do the fandango?

Scaramouche:

You trying to get in my pants?

Galileo:

No!

Scaramouche:

What's doing the fandango?

Galileo:

I think perhaps it's dancing.

Scaramouche:

You mean like GaGa moves? Excuse me while I puke. Globalsoft write the
songs, then work out the steps, and every kid on Planet Mall does
exactly the same thing.

Galileo:

No - I think that there was a time when dancing wasn't like that. When
it was more free. You know? Kind of individually expressive.

/(GALILEO dances, allegedly) /

Scaramouche:

I don't think I've ever seen anything quite so embarassing in my life.

Galileo:

Well, it looks better when I'm holding a tennis racket.

Scaramouche:

It would have to!

Galileo:

Look. Maybe doing the fandango is just about being friends.

Scaramouche:

Friends? Well, I never had a friend.

Galileo:

You amaze me.

Scaramouche:

I always thought I'd quite like one, though.

Galileo:

So, we are friends then?

Scaramouche:

If you want.

Galileo:

Oh, I do, I really do!

Scaramouche:

Okay - so we're friends.

Galileo:

This is so cool!

Scaramouche:

As long as you promise to work on your dancing.

Meat:

Let's get them!

/(MEAT and BRIT run out from behind the van. BRIT grabs GALILEO and
shoves him against the side of the van. MEAT tries to grab SCARAMOUCHE
but has less success) /

Meat:

Quick, bitch! Where'd your boyfriend get those words?

Scaramouche:

What words?

Meat:

He calls you Scaramouche! He's read the fragments, he knows the holy texts!

Galileo:

I don't know any holy texts, I don't know what you're talking about!

Brit:

Long tall Sally! Honky-tonk woman! The words, man, the words from the past!

Meat:

You've seen the fragments - you've been to the Heartbreak Hotel! You're
a spy!

Galileo:

No, I said I don't know what you're talking about, I hear these words in
my head, that's all!

Brit:

Who are you?

Galileo:

I don't know! Why do people keep asking me that? I am the walrus! This
is Major Tom to Ground Control. Can you hear the drums, Fernando? I am
the dancing queen!

Brit:

You just hear these holy words, in your head?

Galileo:

Yes! I don't know where they come from! It's driving me mad, all these
phrases and sounds, just stupid, useless phrases:.I mean, what the hell
is a tambourine man? What's the story, morning glory? Who WAS the real
Slim Shady? It's torture! But all I know, and I don't even know why I
know it, is that I really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig-ah.

Brit:

Meat, I think we've found him! This dude's the one! He's the man!

Meat:

I say he's a spy!

Brit:

No! He's the Dreamer! The one we've been waiting for!

Meat:

Then test him! And his chick!

Scaramouche:

His 'chick'? What am I now, poultry?

Meat:

Test him!

Brit:

*Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead *

/(BRIT points at GALILEO, who hesitates before continuing) /

Galileo:

**

*Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away *

Brit:

He knows the text - but he's never read it! He's the man!

Meat:

But what does it mean? Tell us! Who is Mama, who's been killed, why has
it all been thrown away?

Galileo:

I don't know!

Meat:

We've been searching for the meaning all our lives!

Galileo:

I said, I don't know, I see these things in my mind, that's all! **

*Mama, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh - *

/(MEAT and BRIT grab him to shut him up) /

Brit:

You have to come with us.

Meat:

Not her. We don't need her.

Galileo:

Hey, I'm not going anywhere without Scaramouche.

Scaramouche:

Who says I want to go anywhere? These people could be killers!

Brit:

We are, baby! Killers, thrillers, and bizmillahs!

Meat:

We're the resistance - the last hope!

Brit:

We are the bohemians!

Meat:

And now you have a choice. Are you ready to break free?

Brit:

Do you want it all?

Meat:

To be a shooting star, a tiger?

Brit:

Defying the laws of gravity!

Meat:

Are you ready to be champions!

Scaramouche:

Nah, sounds a bit boring if you ask me.

Galileo:

What?

Scaramouche:

I'm joking, Gazza, of course I want to go!

Brit:

Then understand this! If you come with us, if you join the bohemians,
there's no going back to GaGa land. You'll be an outcast, forever, no
longer a member of the consuman race.

Scaramouche:

Sounds perfect. Let's go!

Meat:

*And you're rushing headlong, you've got a new goal
And you're rushing headlong out of control*

Brit:

*And you think you're so strong
But there ain't no stopping and there's nothin'
You can do about it*

Both:

*Woo! There's nothin' you can do
No there's nothin' you can do about it*

Brit:

*No there's nothing you can*

Galileo:

*Nothing you can*

Scaramouche:

*Nothing you can*

Meat:

*Do about it*

All:

*And you're rushing headlong you've got a new goal
And you're rushing headlong out of control
And you think you're so strong
But there ain't no stopping*

Galileo & Scaramouche:

*And there's nothing you can do about it*

Meat:

*He used to be a man with a stick in his hand*

All:

*Oop diddy diddy, oop diddy doo*

Brit:

*She used to be a woman with a hot dog stand*

All:

*Oop diddy diddy, oop diddy doo*

Meat:

*Now you've got soup in the laundry bag*

Brit:

*Now you've got strings, you're gonna lose your rag*

Meat:

*You're gettin' in a fight and it ain't so groovy*

Brit:

*When you're screaming in the night
Let me out of this cheap B-movie*

All:

*Headlong down the highway
And you're rushing headlong out of control
And you think you're so strong
But there ain't no stopping*

Meat:

*And you can't stop rockin'*

All:

*And there's nothin' you can, nothin' you can
Nothin' you can do about it
*

Scaramouche:

Where're we going?

Meat:

We're going down! //

/(the van and the streetlamps disappear. A collage of sweet, fast food
and clothing logos scrolls up and the Heartbreak Hotel forms at the back
of the stage as the song continues) /

Galileo:

*When a red hot man meets a white hot lady*

All:

*Oop diddy diddy, oop diddy doo*

Scaramouche:

*Soon the fire starts to burn and gets 'em more than half crazy*

All:

*Oop diddy diddy, oop diddy doo*

Galileo:

*Oh, now they start freaking everywhere you turn
You can't start walking 'cos your feet got burned*

Meat:

*It ain't no time to figure wrong from right
Cause reasons out the window, better hold on tight*

All:

*Headlong down the highway
And you're rushing headlong, out of control
And you think you're so strong
But there ain't no stopping and there's*

Brit:

*Nothing*

Meat:

*Nothing*

Galileo:

*Nothing*

Scaramouche:

*Nothing*

All:

*Nothing you can, nothing you can
Nothing you can do about it
Headlong! *

Brit:

Welcome to the Heartbreak Hotel!

/(the Heartbreak Hotel turns out to be the old, broken down Tottenham
Court Road tube station. Other BOHEMIANS come on stage) /

Big Macca:

Who're these two, Brit?

Brit:

I think I've found him. The one we've been waiting for.

Big Macca:

The Dreamer? Just because he has a leather jacket does not make him the
wild one. Looks like a clone from the 'zone to me.

Brit:

He calls himself Galileo.

Big Macca:

Galileo? Then he must have seen the texts! He's a spy!

Meat:

That's what I said!

/(BOHEMIANS head towards GALILEO, threateningly) /

Brit:

Look, anyone who wants to kill the dude has to come past me!

/(the BOHEMIANS are suitably scared, and back off) /

He hasn't seen the texts. How could he? We guard them with our lives!

Meat:

He says he dreams the words.

Brit:

He calls the chick Scaramouche.

Scaramouche:

What is this chick business? Do I have feathers? Do I lay eggs?

Big Macca:

Hey! Baby! We believe there was a time, when if a cool dude wished to
refer to his red hot momma, he would use the term 'chick'. It was a mark
of respect. Second only to 'bitch'.

Scaramouche:

Something tells me you've got that wrong.

Big Macca:

Well, well, we're getting off the point here. The point is that this
dude is a spy.

Galileo:

I don't know what you're talking about! I didn't ask to be brought here!
I don't know who you people are, or anything about your stupid texts!

Brit:

Look, he just knows the stuff! It's in his head!

Galileo:

What are these texts, anyway?

Big Macca:

Just fragments, nothing more. Stuff that we, and other bohemians across
the Global Shopping Precinct have found.

Aretha (?):

Yeah, tons of stuff. Magazines -

Scaramouche:

What? Mag-a-zines?

Big Macca:

They were like websites, but made of paper. You could touch them. And
posters, which were weird, static commercials, stuck to walls. We take
our names from these clues to the age of rock.

Aretha:

I'm Aretha.

Big Macca:

And I am Paul McCartney. They call me Big Macca.

Meat:

I'm Meat. Meatloaf.

Madonna:

I'm Madonna.

Prince:

They call me Prince.

Cliff:

I'm Cliff Richard.

Jackson 5:

Jackson Five.

Bob:

And I'm Bob. Bob the poet; Bob the rebel; Bob the prophet - I am Bob the
Builder.

Galileo:

And who are you? /(to BRIT)/

Brit:

Me? I'm the biggest, baddest, meanest, nastiest, ugliest, most raging,
rapping, rock'n'roll, sick, punk, heavy metal psycho bastard that ever
got get-down funky. They call me - Britney Spears.

Galileo:

And what is this place, this Heartbreak Hotel?

Big Macca:

It's a rebel base! The last free-thinking zone on Planet Mall!

Scaramouche:

But how'd you get all this great stuff?

Meat:

We find it! We're scavengers. There's tons of it if you know where to
look. Here, help yourself if you like. /(indicating a shopping cart full
of clothes)/

Scaramouche:

Like? I used to dream about getting my hands on gear like this!

Meat:

Well, get some on you! You're a bohemian now!

Scaramouche:

Ooh, what do you think about a red corset?

Meat:

Oh, that is so you -

Big Macca:

Girls, please! I am talking to the man!

Meat:

Makes a change from talking out of your bum. /(to SCARAMOUCHE)/ Go on,
hen, there's loads back there.

/(SCARAMOUCHE exits) /

Big Macca:

As I was saying. This is a rebel base. But it is also a shrine. A shrine
to everything we believe in. And, a place to remember the long dead king.

Galileo:

What king?

Big Macca:

Little is known about him, except that his name was Pelvis. A kid from
nowhere, who sang like an angel, and danced like the devil. A teenage
truck driver who broke free to become a mighty rebel - a rebel that
spawned a thousand rebels!

Prince:

But he was too wild, too free. And when he wiggled his hips he made the
kids feel good about themselves! So they took him and they cut off his hair.

Big Macca:

They shaved off his cool, greasy, standup quiff, like he was a convict:

Prince:

:and they put him in the army.

Aretha:

Then they humiliated him. The king was forced to make foolish movies,
singing nursery rhymes to gangs of grinning children. He was ashamed. It
broke his spirit. He took refuge in drugs, pills and fast food.

Big Macca:

Just like a million kids that followed. The king was dead, and many
kings and heroes died thereafter. Their songs are lost, but their names
live on. We remember the ones that died young. Buddy Holly. Jimi Hendrix.

Aretha:

Kurt Cobain.

Bob:

Janis Joplin.

Prince:

Jim Morrisson.

Big Macca:

Bob Marley. John Lennon.

Meat:

Freddy:

*A hand above the water
An angel reaching for the sky
Is it raining in Heaven
Do you want us to cry

And everywhere the broken-hearted
On every lonely avenue
No one could reach them
No one but you

One by one
Only the good die young
They're only flying to close to the sun
Life goes on
Without you

Another tricky situation
I get to drowning in the blues
And I find myself thinking
What would you do?

Yes, it was such an operation
Forever paying every due
Hell, you made a sensation (sensation!)
You found a way through (found a way through)
*

All:

*And one by one
Only the good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun*

Meat:

*We'll remember, forever

And now the party must be over
I guess we'll never understand
The sense of your leaving
Was it the way it was planned?

And so we grace another table
And raise our glasses one more time
There's a face at the window
And I ain't never, never saying goodbye *

All:

*One by one
Only the good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun*

Meat:

*Crying for nothing
Crying for no one
No one but you *

Galileo:

So - you mean all those heroes died for rock'n'roll? But what is
rock'n'roll?

Brit:

Gazza, baby! Rock'n'roll is anything you want it to be!

Cliff:

It's sex!

Prince:

It's style!

Brit:

It's rebellion!

Big Macca:

It's freedom!

Galileo:

Yes, but - what actually is it?

Big Macca:

We don't know.

/(enter SCARAMOUCHE, newly attired) /

Scaramouche:

Ta da!

Meat:

Hey, this girl has taste!

Scaramouche:

What do you mean? It's all your stuff!

Meat:

Yeah, but it's all about the combinations! Isn't that right, Prince?

Prince:

Right! Exactly!

Big Macca:

People, please! I'm talking to the man!

Brit:

You tell 'em, Big Macca!

Big Macca:

All we know is that there came a day when rock'n'roll - died. But, we
all believe that in time, there will come a man who carries the past
within him. Someone who can remember. Somewhere on Planet Mall there are
instruments, there must be. If Britney is right, you are the man who can
find them.

Galileo:

But I don't even know what they look like!

Brit:

I do!

/(BRIT goes off stage and returns with an instrument made out of a tea
chest, a pole and some wire) /

I've been working on this for months! Can't play it though. //

/(another bohemian takes it and plucks a few notes) /

Sweet, sweet noise! And when you get that vibe, all you need is your
baby! You see, Galileo, what passes for music these days is only created
for money, which is why it has no soul. But when rock'n'roll started, do
you know why they did it?

Galileo:

No, why?

Brit:

They did it for their babies, of course! They did it for a crazy little
thing called love! Oh yeah! **

*This thing called love I just can't handle it*

Meat:

*This thing called love I must get round to it*

Brit:

*I ain't ready*

Both:

*Crazy little thing called love *

Meat:

*This thing (this thing)
Called love (called love)
It cries (like a baby)
In a cradle all night*

Brit:

*It swings (woo woo)
It jives (woo woo)
It shakes all over like a jelly fish*

Both:

*I kinda like it
Crazy little thing called love *

Brit:

*There goes my baby
She knows how to rock 'n' roll
She drives me crazy
She gives me hot and cold fever
She leaves me in a cool cool sweat *

*Oh yeah *

*I gotta be cool, relax, get hip
And get on my tracks
Take a back seat, hitchhike
Take a long ride on my motorbike
Until I'm ready
Crazy little thing called love *

Galileo:

*I gotta be cool, relax, get hip
And get on my tracks*

Scaramouche:

*Take a back seat*

Galileo:

*Hitchhike*

Scaramouche:

*And take a long ride on my motorbike*

All:

*Until I'm ready
Crazy little thing called love *

*This thing called love I just can't handle it
This thing called love I must get round to it
I ain't ready *

*Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love *

*Oh yeah! *

/(sirens sound. KHASHOGGI and several COPS appear in and around the
Heartbreak) /

Khashoggi:

Oh yeah indeed. So finally I'm checking into the Heartbreak Hotel. So,
Mr McCartney, I say hello, and you say goodbye:

Brit:

No! You'll never take the Dreamer while I'm alive!

/(Fight, to the intro of 'Ogre Battle'. The COPs herd the BOHEMIANS off,
and fight BRIT, who collapses to the floor. Lights out, safety curtain
down, house lights up for the interval)/

======================================

*Act 2 *

/(the curtain rises on two rows of CONSUMERS, one on a tier above the
other, in front of the video screens) /

Consumers:

*One plan, one goal
One mission
No heart, no soul
Just one solution
One flash of light
Yeah, one God, one vision
One flesh, one bone
One true religion
One voice, one hope
One real decision
Wowowowowowo
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah *

Galileo (v/o):

*I had a dream when I was young*

Scaramouche (v/o):

*A dream of sweet illusion*

Galileo (v/o):

*A glimpse of hope and unity*

Scaramouche (v/o):

*And visions of one sweet union*

Bohemians (v/o):

*But a cold wind blows
And a dark rain falls
And in my heart it shows
Look what they've done to my dreams *

Consumers:

*One vision
Give us your hand, give us your heart
Ready? There's only one direction
One world, one nation
One television*

*No hate, no fight
Just excitation
All through the night
It's a celebration
Wowowowowowo yeah
One one one one one one one*

*All we hear is radio Ga Ga
Video Goo Goo
Internet Ga Ga
All we hear is cyberspace Ga Ga
Internet Ga Ga
Marketing blah-blah
Oh, oh!*

*One flesh, one bone
One true religion
One voice, one hope
One real decision*

*Give us one light, yeah
Give us one hope, hey
Just give us
One plan, one scam
One star, one night, one day, hey hey
Just gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme
Fried chicken
(vision, vision, vision, vision, vision)*

/(the video screens disappear and the van is back, plus a backdrop of
graffiti'd concrete. GALILEO and SCARAMOUCHE climb up through a trapdoor
stage left) /

Galileo:

How did Khashoggi find the Heartbreak Hotel?

Scaramouche:

He must have some way of tracking us!

Galileo:

The hospital! When they operated on our heads!

/(he peers at SCARAMOUCHE's hair)/

I think I've found something!

/(SCARAMOUCHE produces a penknife and hands it to him) /

Scaramouche:

Cut it out!

Galileo:

What?

Scaramouche:

Gazza, if there are bugs in our heads, then the police will track us
down in hours! Cut it out.

/(he does) /

Galileo:

He's had us from the start! He's heard everything!

/(SCARAMOUCHE takes the bug from him and talks into it) /

Scaramouche:

Hello! Pervert! It's a short sentence, the second word is 'off'.

Galileo:

All right, now me.

/(she does so and peers at both the bugs) /

OK, crush them.

Scaramouche:

What, a couple of state-of-the-art micro-transceivers? No way, I'll just
activate the maximum negativity spectrum.

Galileo:

What?

Scaramouche:

I'll turn them off.

/(they sit on the edge of the mattress that is, conveniently, inside the
van) /

Galileo:

It's over, Scaramouche. Do you realise that? The bohemians are finished.
The Heartbreak Hotel is destroyed. Only we escaped.

Scaramouche:

Britney Spears died to save us. To save you.

Galileo:

And he will not die in vain! It's up to us, now. We're part of the
underworld, Scaramouche. You, and me. Cast adrift. There's no turning
back now. Not ever.

Scaramouche:

I never belonged anyway. Did you notice - you've lost your stutter?

Galileo:

Well, I feel different.

Scaramouche:

We're both different. For the first time in my life, I don't hate myself.

Galileo:

And I don't want to die. I've found something to live for.

Scaramouche:

The dream?

Galileo:

No, you!

But:..we will be caught in the end. You know that, don't you?

Scaramouche:

Yeah. I know. And probably killed.

Galileo:

I love you, Scaramouche.

Scaramouche:

I love you too, Gaz.

Galileo:

Do you think, just this once, you could use my full name?

Scaramouche:

I love you too, Gazza:.Fizza:.

Galileo:

Then if I have your love, time doesn't matter much at all, does it?

Scaramouche:

**

*There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams
Yet slips away from us *

*Who wants to live forever*

Both:

*Who wants to live forever
Who *

Galileo:

*There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us *

*Who wants to live forever*

Both:

*Who wants to live forever
Who
Who dares to love forever*

Galileo:

*Oh, when love must die! *

Scaramouche:

*But touch my tears with your lips*

Galileo:

*Touch my world with your fingertips*

Both:

*And we can have forever
And we can love forever*

Galileo:

*Forever is ours today *

Both:

*Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever*

Scaramouche:

*Forever is ours*

Galileo:

*Who waits forever, anyway? * //

/(they kiss and disappear inside the van. Fade to black, then lights up
to reveal six BOHEMIANS (including MEAT and PRINCE), seated, each with a
MINION to their right. KHASHOGGI is suspended in, well, a ship) /

Khashoggi:

What do you know of the phrase 'living rock'? Where is the place of
champions?

Bohemian 1:

They're freedom words, pig! Words the Dreamer used! We don't know what
they mean!

Minion 1:

He tells the truth, Commander Khashoggi. I've applied a search program
to one of his brain functions and I find no evidence of deceit.

Khashoggi:

Pity! Hurt him anyway! //

/(the BOHEMIAN jerks backward) /

Bohemians:

*Flash! Aah!*

Khashoggi:

And I would rather you did not call me 'pig'.

Bohemian 2:

Pig's too good for you!

Khashoggi:

Hurt her, too!

Bohemians:

*Flash! Aah!*

Khashoggi:

In fact - hurt them all!

Bohemians:

*Flash! Aah! *

Khashoggi:

For what it's worth, your 'Dreamer' knows no more about the place of
living rock than you or I. He's just a poor idiot, parroting phrases he
does not understand. Still, he lead me to you, and for that I am grateful.

Prince:

Are you going to kill us?

Khashoggi:

Please, Mr Prince! Globalsoft is not some medieval inquisition! We're
merely going to kill your souls - and empty your brains of such absurd
notions as real music and individual thought.

Bohemian 1:

You're sending us to the Seven Seas of Rhye!

Khashoggi:

Precisely. Prepare the helmets.

/(each MINION places an orange helmet on a BOHEMIAN's head) /

Meat:

Dreamer! Follow us! Bohemians, give him your power! Make your last
thoughts the Dream!

Khashoggi:

Good night, Miss Loaf:.

Bohemians:

Noooooo!

Khashoggi:

*Fear me you lords and lady preachers
I descend upon your Earth from the skies
I command your very souls you unbelievers
Bring before me what is mine
The seven seas of Rhye *

*Can you hear me you peers and privy councillors
I stand before you naked to the eyes
I will destroy any man who dares abuse my trust
I swear that you'll be mine
The seven seas of Rhye
*

*Sister - I live and lie for you
Mister - do and I'll die
You are mine I possess you
I belong to you forever-ever-ever-aah *//

/(KHASHOGGI leaves his ship and dances past the row of BOHEMIANS. One by
one, their minds are emptied) / **

*Storm the master-marathon I'll fly through
By flash and thunder-fire and
I'll survive - I'll survive - I'll survive
Then I'll defy the laws of nature and come out alive
Then I'll get you
Be gone with you - you shod and shady senators
Give out the good, leave out the bad evil cries
I challenge the mighty Titan and his troubadours
And with a smile
I'll take you to the seven seas of Rhye *

Bohemians:

*Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside
Oh, I do like to be beside the sea
There are lots of girls beside, oh I do like to be beside
Beside the seaside, beside the sea *//

/(fade to black, then lights up to show the van again. It is the next
morning) /

Galileo:

Meatloaf - no - Prince - argh! The Seven Seas of Rhye! //

/(he throws back the curtain and sits up. SCARAMOUCHE wakes and sits up
beside him) /

Scaramouche:

Well, good morning Gazza! Or perhaps I should use your full name -
Shagileo Gigolo:.

Galileo:

I had this dream! And it was - /(pause) /

Shagileo Gigolo? You - really think so?

Scaramouche:

Oh, yeah.

/(she kisses him but he pulls away) /

Galileo:

No! We don't have time! I have to go to the Seven Seas of Rhye! I had a
dream about Big Macca and the others. I dreamt that there were these
cops, and cages made of lasers, and -

Scaramouche:

Gazza, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, more boring than people
wanting to describe their dreams to you.

Galileo:

No, but really -

Scaramouche:

No, trust me on this. It kills relationships stone dead. The morning one
partner wakes up and says 'it was amazing, there was a rabbit, in a
bowler hat, cooking an omelette' - that is when love dies.

Galileo:

But, Scaramouche, I'm sure of it! The bohemians are headed across the
Seven Seas of Rhye!

Scaramouche:

I know!

Galileo:

I think it's somewhere in the Europrecinct of Planet Mall. And there was
water. Lots of water! And - what?

Scaramouche:

I know about the Seven Seas of Rhye. They're not seas at all, no,
they're rivers. Rivers that supply a lake. They used to call it Lake
Geneva. The spirit of rock is very strong there. It's where they put all
the misfits, the rebels.

Galileo:

But, this is incredible, Scaramouche! We had the same dream! It's like
we're soulmates - split-aparts - kindred spirits!

Scaramouche:

No, Gaz, I didn't have any dream. I just reversed the polarity on these
micro-transceivers. I've been monitoring police headquarters.

Galileo:

Gee. You really know how to make a guy feel inadequate.

Scaramouche:

Bless. You could always let me make it up to you:.

Galileo:

No! I have to go the Seven Seas of Rhye!

Scaramouche:

But it's pretty dangerous! I mean, the police are bound to still be
looking for us. I say we should hide out here, on this mattress, for two
or three days -

Galileo:

No, Scaramouche! I still haven't found what I'm looking for! I want the
world and I want it now! You can't stop until you get enough!
Billie-Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl that claims that I am the
one. The kid is not my son.

Scaramouche:

What?

Galileo:

Nothing. I don't know where that last bit came from. I'm going, but I
will be back for you.

Scaramouche:

Hang on, what do you mean? There'll be police all over the place. I
should go, not you.

Galileo:

Forget it, Scaramouche. This is my fight.

Scaramouche:

How'd you work that out?

Galileo:

Because I'm 'the man'. Britney Spears said so!

Scaramouche:

Exactly! Which is why it's stupid of you to risk your life! I'm
dispensable. You should stay here.

Galileo:

Oh, right. Like I'm going to let my chick fight my battles for me.

Scaramouche:

Let your chick?! Excuse me, but at what point in this relationship did
you take the arsehole pill!

Galileo:

That's it, Scaramouche! Must everything always be a fight with you? I
thought you'd mellowed out!

Scaramouche:

Well, I haven't!

Galileo:

Well, it's really starting to irritate me!

Scaramouche:

Oh no. My heart just broke.

Galileo:

Look, you're my girlfriend! I want to protect you!

Scaramouche:

No, you think just because you got your leg over that you own me, or
something!

Galileo:

You are such a pain with this constant female assertion thing!

Scaramouche:

Fine! Well, at least we know now where we stand!

Galileo:

Yes, we do!

Scaramouche:

Which is not together!

Galileo:

Well - if you say so!

Scaramouche:

Right! From now on, our relationship is purely professional. We've got a
job to do, and we'll do it, and that's all.

Galileo:

Well, suits me! But I'm going to the Seven Seas! //

/(he climbs through the trapdoor stage left and slams it after him.
SCARAMOUCHE climbs halfway into the trapdoor stage right and shouts
after him) /

Scaramouche:

Well, so am I! And if, when we get there, you get caught, and the Dream
is lost, and the kids are enslaved till the end of time - well, you're
going to feel a bit bloody stupid, that's all!

/(she leaves, slamming the trapdoor after her. The scene changes to
KILLER QUEEN's living room) /

Recording:

**

*Are you gonna take me home tonight
Ah, down beside that red firelight
Are you gonna let it all hang out
Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go round *

/(enter the KILLER QUEEN and KHASHOGGI) /

Khashoggi:

Ma'am, I bring splendid news! My officers have been successful in
breaking up the bohemian stronghold! The Heartbreak Hotel is destroyed!

Killer Queen:

But Khashoggi - this is wonderful! Incredible! A triumph! The resistance
is vanquished! We've won!

Khashoggi:

Yes, ma'am. Unfortunately -

Killer Queen:

*Tonight! I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive
And the world is turning inside out
Floating around in ecstasy
*

Khashoggi:

Ma'am, if I might just interrupt -

Killer Queen:

*Don't stop me now! *

Khashoggi:

Ma'am, I hate to do it, but -

Killer Queen:

*Don't stop me, 'cause I'm having a good time
Having a good time
I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky
Like a tiger, defying the laws of gravity - *

Khashoggi:

Maaaaaaaa'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!

/(KILLER QUEEN stops singing and gives KHASHOGGI a filthy look) /

I'm afraid you didn't let me finish. We broke up the bohemian
stronghold, but I fear the Dreamer - and his bad-arsed babe - slipped
our clutches. But I don't foresee this as a problem -

Killer Queen:

You lost them?

Khashoggi:

Lost them only in the sense of, don't know where they are.

Killer Queen:

You fool! You imbecile! You talentless, flat-footed PC Plod! Those two
pathetic losers are making idiots of us!

Khashoggi:

They are individuals, ma'am! The most dangerous enemy of all! I'd rather
face a massed army of nuclear-powered cyber-cops that one crazy kid with
a dream.

Killer Queen:

Don't be ridiculous.

Khashoggi:

All right, perhaps I was pitching it a bit strong. But the point is,
we're currently stretched to the limit! The summer heat is intense.
We're encountering serious civil disorder. The rivers and seas that rose
with global warming are receding again as the planet dehydrates.

Killer Queen:

Who cares? I like hot weather.

Khashoggi:

We're having to drain the lakes simply to supply the coke dispensers in
the multiplexes.

Killer Queen:

That's absurd.

Khashoggi:

Well, have you seen the size of the cups these days? They've been
getting bigger for three hundred years. 'Regular' is now the size of a
dustbin. Only last week a small child fell into her Sprite and drowned.

Killer Queen:

I am sick of excuses, Commander Khashoggi. And I am also sick of you.
With your weary, sneery, posey, schmosey, look at me, I'm wearing
sunglasses in doors crap! Oiling round the place with your snooty little
booty in your Armani suity.

Khashoggi:

Actually, ma'am, it's M&S. They've really rather raised their game
recently, don't you think?

Killer Queen:

Need I remind you, that as well as being businesswoman of the year, I am
also dynamite with a laser beam!

Khashoggi:

Oh, nobody admires you more than I do ma'am, your gentle manner, your
quiet, unassuming sense of style, your kind and forgiving nature -

Killer Queen:

You know what happens to people who dissapoint me! I think Ill have to
blow your mind! //

/(enter chorus of YES THINGS) /

*Hey! *

*She walks warily down the street
With her brim pulled way down low
Ain't no sound but the sound of her feet
Machine guns ready to go
*

*Are you ready, are you ready for this
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat *

*Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust, eh
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust *

*How do you think I'm going to get along
Without you when you're gone
I took you for everything that you've got
And kicked you out on your own *

*Are you happy ? Are you satisfied ?
How long can you stand the heat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat *

*Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust
*

*Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust, hey hey
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust *

*There are plenty of ways that you can hurt a man
And bring him to the ground
You can beat him
You can cheat him
You can treat him bad and leave him
When he's down, yeah
But I'm ready, yes I'm ready for you
I'm standing on my own two feet
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
Repeating to the sound of the beat
*

*Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Yes, another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust *

*Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust, hey hey
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
Yeah, yeah, yeah! *

/(two MINIONS enter, put an orange helmet on KHASHOGGI's head, and
descend with him into the stage. Lights out then up again on a clear
stage with the graffiti'd concrete backdrop. GALILEO walks on from up
stage left, followed by SCARAMOUCHE) /

Scaramouche:

Oi! OI! Slow down, will you!

Galileo:

No! You keep up!

Scaramouche:

I've got shorter legs than you.

Galileo:

Don't worry, your mouth makes up for it.

Scaramouche:

Well, you didn't have any objections to it last night!

Galileo:

That was below the belt.

Scaramouche:

Which seems to be all you think women are any good for!

Galileo:

Hey! This isn't some feminist achievement course we're on, here! It's a
battle as big as the planet!

Scaramouche:

No, it's as big as your ego, more like.

Galileo:

Me? Egotistical? Let me just get a few things straight, all right? You
are a girl. You're slower than me, weaker than me -

Scaramouche:

Cleverer than you -

Galileo:

What? Just because you reversed the polarity on a couple of
micro-transceivers -

Scaramouche:

Yeah?

Galileo:

Well, my intelligence is more abstract. I have the mind of an artist.

Scaramouche:

A piss artist, more like.

Galileo:

A rock artist! And I've got a world to save, so if you hold me up -

Scaramouche:

Hold you up! Listen, mate! We're in this together! And despite the fact
that you are a self-righteous, arrogant little prick - I'm staying.

Galileo:

Well, suit yourself.

Scaramouche:

Don't worry. I will.

Galileo:

Yeah.

Scaramouche:

Yeah.

Galileo:

What?

Scaramouche:

What?

Galileo:

Hey!

Scaramouche:

Hey!

Galileo:

Yeah!

*Here we stand or here we fall
History won't care at all
Wake the dead, fight the fight
Lady Mercy won't be home tonight
*

Both:

*You don't waste no time at all*

Galileo:

*Don't hear the bell but you answer the call*

Both:

*It comes to you as to us all*

Scaramouche:

*You're just waiting for the hammer to fall *

*Hey!*

Galileo:

*Hey!*

Scaramouche:

*Yeah!*

Galileo:

*Yeah, the hammer to fall! *

Scaramouche:

*Every night, and every day
A little piece of you is falling away
But lift your face, the western way, babe
Build your muscles as your body decays
*

Both:

*Toe your line and play their game*

Scaramouche:

*Let the anaesthetic cover it all*

Both:

*Till one day they call your name*

Galileo:

*You know it's time for the hammer to fall
Hey! The hammer to fall! *

Scaramouche:

*Rich or poor or famous
For your truth it's all the same
Lock your door but rain is pouring
Through your windowpane
Baby now your struggle's all in vain *

Both:

*What the hell we fighting for?*

Galileo:

*Just surrender and it won't hurt at all*

Both:

*You just got time to say your prayers
While you're waiting for the hammer to, hammer to fall
The hammer to fall
Hey? Yeah?
The hammer to, hammer to, hammer to fall *

Galileo:

*Give it to me one more time!*

Scaramouche:

In. Your. Dreams. Mate.

/(She stalks off. GALILEO follows her. POP climbs up through a trapdoor
centre stage, carrying a beer crate) /

Pop:

*Sometimes I get to thinking
I was back in the old days, long ago
When we were kids, when we were young
Things seemed so perfect then - you know?
The days were endless
We were crazy, we were young
The sun was always shining
We just lived for fun
Sometimes it seems like lately - I just don't know
The rest of my life's been just a show *

/(the backdrop goes up and reveal a barroom scene. The back of the stage
and part of the bar are covered in white drapes. The BOHEMIANS sit
slumped at tables. POP puts the crate on the bar and walks around room,
replacing drinks and wiping the tables) /

Pop & Bohemians:

*Those were the days of our lives
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one thing remains*

Pop:

*When I look and I find no change *

*You can't turn back the clock, you can't turn back the tide
Ain't that a shame?
I'd like to go back one time on a roller coaster ride
When life was just a game
No use in sitting and thinkin' on what you did
You can lay back and enjoy it through the kids
Sometimes it seems like lately - I just don't know
Better sit back and go with the flow
*

Pop & Bohemians:

*These are the days of our lives
They've flown in the swiftness of time
These days are all gone now but one thing remains*

Pop:

*When I look and I find
Hope still survives
Oh yeah *

/(GALILEO and SCARAMOUCHE enter, stage right) /

Galileo:

Meatloaf! Guys, you're all here! Oh, it's so good to see you!

Scaramouche:

How did you escape?

Galileo:

This is fantastic! The bohemians are back! The fight is on!

/(the BOHEMIANS look at GALILEO and SCARAMOUCHE blankly) /

Big Macca:

Do I know you, kid?

Galileo:

But - it's me, Big Macca. You know. The man. The Dreamer. Galileo Figaro.

Big Macca:

Nah, never heard of him. Buy us a drink.

Galileo:

What?

Meat:

Come on, you heard the man, buy us a soddin' drink!

Galileo:

Meatloaf?

Pop:

Your friends aren't there, dude. Their bodies are, but their spirits
have gone. They've been processed.

Galileo:

What do you mean?

Pop:

This is where they all come - the guys and chicks who tried to break on
through to the other side, and failed. They come to drown themselves in
the Seven Seas of Rhye. Rhye whisky, man. The last comfort of those who
have rocked.

Scaramouche:

So - why do they come here?

Pop:

You mean apart from in order to get permanently pissed?

Scaramouche:

Yes.

Pop:

There is something about this place. It's as if there's a spirit here.
Long ago, before global warming, the lake was much smaller. Who knows,
perhaps there's something down there, beneath the water. Something these
washed-out mothers need to be close to.

Scaramouche:

So who are you?

Pop:

I was a librarian, astral babe. In the place where they keep the secret
histories. I got a little too interested in the stuff I was reading.

Scaramouche:

Did they process you?

Pop:

They tried to, but I guess I knew too much. They couldn't zap it all. I
may be pretty screwed up, but I'm still the most together guy here at
the Seven Seas. That's why I'm the barman.

Scaramouche:

So you remember something of what you read? Of the secret histories?

Pop:

I remember one story. A legend so strong and powerful they could not
wipe it from my brain. Would you like to here it.

Scaramouche:

Nah, I thought we'd just have a drink and bugger off. Of course we want
to hear it, you hairy old git!

Pop:

Whoa! That is one gutsy chick, man! I bet she takes some handling!

Galileo:

Well actually, she's not my chick.

Pop:

Lucky you, I reckon.

Galileo:

Perhaps you could tell us your story, Mr - er:

Pop:

Pop. They call me Pop.

Galileo:

We'd love to hear it.

Pop:

Well.

/(he gestures the two towards him, and they all sit on the bar stools) /

It seems that long ago, in the first decade of the twenty-first century,
there were those who foresaw the nightmare that was to come. This was at
the very beginning of music homogenisation. A time of boy bands. And
girl bands. And boy and girl bands. And girl bands with a couple of boys
in them that looked like girls. And boys who had left their boy bands to
become just boys. And girls who were still in their girl bands but were
nonetheless doing stuff as solo girls, sometimes in duets with solo
boys. And also -

Scaramouche:

All right, get on with it!

Pop:

They called themselves bands, but they weren't bands. They were just
pretty pretty dancers with multi-track voices.

Galileo:

It's been that way ever since.

Pop:

Exactly! A three hundred year bum vibe! But you see, some people saw
what was coming. Take a look at this. It's a scroll of what I think they
used to call 'celluloid'.

/(he presses a lever and a video screen descends) /

I stole this on the day I was captured, and through ten long years in a
laser cell I've kept it hidden. Don't ask me where. It's only a
fragment, but it's all that's left to us of a much longer, and seriously
heavy message that was laid down for us in antiquity. //

/(he presses a button and the start of the video to 'Bohemian Rhapsody'
appears on the screen, very grainy) /**

Recording:

*Is this the real life
Is this just fantasy
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up the skies, and see -
*

/(the video ends) /

Pop:

That's all there is. Those four young men, singing to us from three
centuries ago, were members of a rock freedom fighter collective known
as 'Queen'. Even then, those young soul visionaries knew that real life
was fast becoming someone else's fantasy. Look - //

/(he cues the video again) /

Recording:

*Is this the real life
Is this just fantasy *

/(and pauses it) /

Galileo:

A fantasy - created by the computers of the global economy!

Pop:

Exactly!

Recording:

*Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality *

Pop:

They foresaw a time when the kids would be caught in a landslide of
computer generated marketing, and there would be no escape from that
reality. All Queen wanted was for us all to:

Recording:

*Open your eyes
Look up the skies, and see - *

Scaramouche:

So that's what it meant. Blimey. Sounded like a pretentious load of old
bollocks to me.

Pop:

No way, crazy lady! These are the words of truth! If only we knew the
rest of the text.

Galileo:

I think I may know some of it! Tell me, old wise one. What does
'Bismillah, we will not let you go, let me go, no, no, no, no, no, mamma
mia, mammia mia, mamma mia, let me go, Beelzebub has a devil put aside
for me' mean?

Pop:

Actually, I think that bit probably was a pretentious load of old bollocks.

But. Having issued their warning - and incidentally spent nine weeks at
number one with it, despite what were quite frankly some rather dodgy
stage outfits - Queen decided to fight back.

/(POP grabs a chair, takes it to centre stage and sits on it. CLIFF, who
had been sitting on the chair, slowly falls over) /

You all right there, Cliff?

/(CLIFF, lying on the floor, gives a thumbs up) /

Don't worry about Cliff Richard, he's indestructible.

/(SCARAMOUCHE and GALILEO sit on the floor in front of POP) /

In order to protect the future of rock'n'roll, Queen decided to bury
their finest instruments against a time when there would be none.

Galileo:

Wait. You mean real instruments still exist - somewhere waiting to be found?

Pop:

Yes. And they remain hidden. Queen wove deep and terrible spells to
protect the precious weapons of freedom, from abuse by those not worthy
of playing them. Even at the beginning of the dark age of globalisation,
Queen knew that when the time was right a hero would be found and the
instruments would reappear. Perhaps you are that man, man.

Scaramouche:

But what happened to Queen?

Pop:

The first of their number died young. Too wild, too beautiful for this
world. The other three rocked on into the next century, but during
Globalsoft's first battles for the soul of the planet, all three were
captured and secretly killed. It is said that the hairiest of the gang -
a man named Bri-Anne - was granted a final wish before execution. He
asked to be able to play one last guitar solo, and was therefore able to
postpone his death by three and a half days.

Where are the instruments, Galileo Figaro?

Galileo:

Me? How would I know, 'man'? A couple of weeks ago I was virtually a
Virtual Highschool dropout. Why would the rock gods tell me the answer?

/(there is the sound of heavy machinery) /

Scaramouche:

What's going on?

Pop:

Don't freak out, sweet lady, they're just draining the lake. They steal
our water all the time now. It's almost down to its original level.

Galileo:

Hey - hey, look! What's that, emerging from the water? A man!

Scaramouche:

A statue.

Galileo:

A hero - made of bronze and rock.

Scaramouche:

Who is it? Who does it represent?

Pop:

I know this man! I saw many images in the secret histories! He is one of
the freedom fighters of Queen, the first to die! The greatest, brightest
star of his time!

Scaramouche:

Star:.bright star! Gazza! Your dream! A bright star, that will show the
way! It's not a star in the sky at all - it's a rock star!

Pop:

Freaky.

Galileo:

But what's it showing us?

Scaramouche:

The way! It must be! The way to the place of living rock. Living rock
isn't granite at all - it's music.

Galileo:

But Queen buried the instruments there. How can they be buried in music?

Pop:

No, man, the place of living rock. Live rock'n'roll music! It's pointing
towards it, dude! The star is facing north! Well, north and a little bit
west, actually. The place he once ruled - the place where people came
together to play together and be together!

Galileo:

The place where the champions played!

Pop:

The place of champions! The old arena, I'm sure of it. The machines may
have destroyed the stands and towers but they could never destroy the
vibe of what they once called - Wembley Stadium.

Scaramouche:

We must go, quickly! Well, now the stars shown us the way, it can guide
the police there too. There's no time to lose.

Pop:

I'll come with you, I can show you how to get there.

Galileo:

But we need transport. I mean, we need wheels.

Bohemians:

*Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle! *

Scaramouche:

Bugger that! We're going to save rock'n'roll, we can't turn up on a bike!

Pop:

Very eco.

Scaramouche:

But it's not very cool.

Pop:

You're right, crazy lady. We'll take my Harley.

/(black tabs and a video screen come down behind them as a motorbike
rises through the floor) /

Rock's transport of choice. Not as fast, clean or efficient as a
Japanese bike, but it sounds humungous.

/(he starts it and climbs on. To SCARAMOUCHE:) /

Get on behind me, baby.

/(she does so) /

Nice. It's been years since I've felt the soft warm thighs of a rebel
chick wrapped round my skinny white arse.

/(apalled, SCARAMOUCHE jumps off the bike) /

Scaramouche:

Forget it. I'll go in front.

/(she climbs back on, in front of him this time) /

Pop:

All right, but don't blame me if I push the bone.

/(SCARAMOUCHE leaps away from him, right to the front of the seat) /

Scaramouche:

I think I'm going to puke! Gazza, you get on behind me. And don't get
any fresh ideas.

Galileo:

It is time. Time to avenge the mighty Queen. Time to avenge them all!

Scaramouche:

The word rhymes with 'banker'.

Pop:

Get on your bikes and ride!

/(GALILEO climbs on between POP and SCARAMOUCHE. The bike takes off
(apparently) and flies to its destination. On the screen behind them we
see the path of their journey - across the sea, past the remains of
Stonehenge, overtaking Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, past the Millenium Dome
with the Globalsoft logo on it, and finally to the gates of Wembley
Stadium) /

Galileo:

Rock'n'roll!

Pop:

Find me a bat! I want to bite its head off!

All:

**

*And you're rushing headlong*

Galileo:

**

*Down the highway*

All:

**

*And you're rushing headlong*

Scaramouche:

**

*Out of control*

All:

**

*And you think you're so strong*

Pop:

**

*But there ain't no stopping*

All:

**

*And there's nothing you can
Nothing you can
Nothing you can
Nothing you can
Nothing you can
Nothing you can
Nothing you can do about it
Headlong! *

/(at the gates they get off the motorbike, which sinks back into the
stage) /

Galileo:

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Pop:

Bummer.

Galileo:

There aren't any instruments here! There isn't even any rock.

Pop:

Just rubble.

Galileo:

This place must have been destroyed centuries ago. It's no place of
champions any more, if it ever was. I've failed, Scaramouche. I'll never
find where the holy axe was hidden. I'll never play the lost riffs. My
dreams - they never came true.

Scaramouche:

Don't blame yourself, Gazza. It's not your fault.

Galileo:

Thanks, Scaramouche.

Scaramouche:

I mean it's not your fault you're a spineless, gutless, whinging little
crybaby!

Galileo:

Excuse me?

Scaramouche:

I know why you can't find the guitar, mate! What was it Pop said? Queen
wove deep and terrible spells to protect the instruments from those not
worthy of playing them!

Galileo:

You mean me?

Pop:

Ouch.

Scaramouche:

What do you think the mighty Queen died for? What? So you could act like
a pathetic little coward? You wanted to be a rock star? They wouldn't
let you in a boy band!

Galileo:

Hey! Babe! I'm getting a little sick of this self-righteous thing of
yours, all right? We tried, we failed. The instruments aren't here. Get
over it!

Scaramouche:

Then we'll just have to make music without them!

Galileo:

What? A capella?

Pop:

No!

Scaramouche:

If necessary!

Pop:

No! It is never necessary!

Scaramouche:

Isn't that what it was all about? In the beginning? It was kids, doing
it for themselves! They were playing in the streets, in the garages!

Pop:

Yes, it was, it was!

Scaramouche:

So come on, Gazza! Where's the bloke I used to love? Where's the bloke
with the lead in his pencil? Where is Shagileo Gigolo?

Galileo:

Right here, babe!

Scaramouche:

Then prove it! Are we gonna rock, or what?

Galileo:

Yes! Yes we are! I don't need any second-hand instruments to make music
with, I can make music on my own. The music of a human being, and not of
a machine!

Scaramouche:

Right on!

Pop:

Hello, Wembley!

/(silence) /

Galileo:

But not without you, Scaramouche. Don't you remember what Britney Spears
said before he died? Making music is about love. You do it for your
baby. And I can only do it for you. I love you with all my heart. Please
come back to me. Because if you don't, I don't know if I can do this
thing. And the kids'll forever be in chains!

Scaramouche:

Oh, god. Talk about emotional blackmail:

/(she kisses him) /

Pop:

Ooh, I've gone all tingly.

/(they part) /

Scaramouche:

So - let's rock!

Galileo:

Yeah!

I don't know how to start.

Scaramouche:

Well, come on buddy, you're a boy:.

Pop:

Make a big noise!

Scaramouche:

Playing in the street:

Pop:

:gonna be a big man some day!

Galileo:

Wait - that's it. **

*Buddy:
Buddy, you're a boy
Make a big noise
Playing in the street
Gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Kicking your can all over the place
*

Pop:

What a curiously exhilarating collection of words!

Galileo:

Scaramouche - can you hear it? The beat! It's returning!

/(sure enough, we hear the beat. Soon we can hear it all over the
auditorium, as well) /

*Buddy, you're a boy
Make a big noise
Playing in the street
Gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Kicking your can all over the place*

*Singing
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
*

/(suddenly, on the of the gateposts splits open, revealing a guitar) /

Scaramouche:

What's happening?

Pop:

Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening!

Galileo:

An instrument! A real musical instrument!

Scaramouche:

So they do exist, after all!

Pop:

The dream machine! The greatest weapon on freedom known to mankind! An
electric guitar! Seize it, Shagileo Gigolo! For none but the just shall
play the hairy one's mighty axe! None but the kids! //

/(GALILEO takes the electric guitar) /

Scaramouche:

Wow. You're my guitar hero.

Galileo:

Yes I am, baby. And now - let's rock!

/(he tries to play it but is very bad) /

Pop:

Ooh, no, the rebirth of modern jazz.

Scaramouche:

Give me that.

/(she takes the guitar and plays it) /

Galileo:

The hairy one is back. And this time, she's a babe.

Scaramouche:

So - I'll play, you sing.

Pop:

And I'll be a groupie! Would anyone like to see my tits?

Scaramouche:

Shut up, Pop!

Pop:

Message received and understood. But first -

Galileo:

What're you doing, Pop?

Pop:

What do you think? I'm hacking into the Globalsoft mainframe, and
emailing the power of rock to ever GaGa kid on the planet! Soon they'll
all be bohemians!

Scaramouche:

But Pop, Killer Queen will get your message too!

Pop:

Oh, no, man! She just did! She wants to schedule a meeting:.we're all
going to be downsized!

/(a video screen descends, showing KILLER QUEEN) /

Killer Queen:

Who dares to play live rock on Planet Mall?

Galileo:

I do! Me - and my baby!

Scaramouche:

Oi, steady!

Killer Queen:

I've heard your music, boy, and you - you are going to be huge! You'll
make a million trillion zillion! I'm thinking merchandising, spin-offs,
rip-offs, GaGas, go go! Napster, crapster! By tomorrow morning your face
could be on every coke can in the universe! What you need is a manager!

Galileo:

I don't think so, Queen! Shagileo Gigolo only rocks for the kids.

Killer Queen:

You mean, for free?

Galileo:

Yes. Yes I do! Pop, get me my mike.

Pop:

I shall be thy roadie!

Killer Queen:

Noooooooo!

/(her screen ascends) /

Galileo:

*Buddy, you're a boy
Make a big noise
Playing in the street
Gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Kicking your can all over the place*

/(BOHEMIANS enter behind the gates. SCARAMOUCHE shows them the guitar,
and POP breaks the lock so they can all come through) /

All:

*We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you *

Galileo:

*Buddy, you're a young man, hard man
Shouting in the street
Gonna take on the world some day
You got blood on your face
You big disgrace
Waving your banner all over the place *

All:

*We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you *

Galileo:

*Buddy, you're an old man, poor man
Pleading with your eyes
Gonna make you some peace some day
You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Somebody better put you back into your place *

All:

*We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you *

Galileo:

*I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand
Kicked in my face
But I've come through *

All:

*And we mean to go on and on and on and on *

*We are the champions, my friends
And we'll keep on fighting till the end *

*We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the world *

*We are the champions, my friends
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the world *

/(walkdown music and bows. After everyone has taken a bow, the words 'Do
you want Bohemian Rhapsody?' come up on the video screens. After more
applause they are followed by 'Oh:..all right then.') /

Galileo:

*Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away *

*Mama, ooo
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters *

Scaramouche:

*Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
My body's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
*

Galileo:

*Mama, ooo*

Chorus:

*Anyway the wind blows*

Galileo:

*I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all *

Khashoggi:

*I see a little silhouetto of a man*

Chorus:

*Scaramouche, scaramouche will you do the fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning - very very frightening me *

*Galileo*

Galileo:

*Galileo*

Chorus:

*Galileo*

Galileo:

*Galileo*

Chorus:

*Galileo figaro magnifico*

Galileo:

*I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me*

Chorus:

*He's just a poor boy, from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity *

Galileo:

*Easy come, easy go
Will you let me go*

Chorus:

*Bismillah! No, we will not let you go
Bismillah! We will not let you go, let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go*

Galileo:

*Let me go*

Chorus:

*Will not let you go*

Galileo:

*Let me go*

Chorus:

*Never let you go*

Galileo:

*Let me go *

*Never let me go*

Chorus:

*No, no, no, no, no, no, no*

Galileo:

*Oh mama mia, mama mia*

Chorus:

*Mama mia let me go
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me
For me, for me *

Killer Queen:

*So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can love me and leave me to die*

Chorus:

*Oh baby, can't do this to me baby
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here *

Galileo:

*Nothing really matters*

Scaramouche:

*Anyone can see*

Galileo:

*Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to me *

*Anyway the wind blows...*