(As a fan of FAWN wrestling I�ve always watched religiously on TV. But now that the show is traveling, I finally have the chance to take the action in live. And this match should be a killer. Ivy Belle Armstrong ~ man, is she ever hot ~ against Portia Ophelia Van Buren IV, who is hotter still ~ and much hotter than former President Martin Van Buren. Don�t get me wrong, Martin Van Buren was a good looking man ~ what with those sideburns and all ~ but this Portia is way hotter.)

The lights go out, and the spotlight hits the curtain at the head of the ramp. As .38 Special's "Wild Eyed Southern Boys" pumps through the speakers, a redhead in denim cut-off's and a slightly tattered black babydoll tank with "The South's Gonna Rise" emblazoned across the front tears open the curtains and begins strutting toward the ring, slapping the occasional outstretched hand, a wily grin on her ruby red lips and a mischievous sparkle in her eyes.

One fan holds aloft a sign that reads �THIS IVY'S POISON TO POV,� and he is rewarded with the redhead cupping his cheeks in her hands and planting a kiss on his lips, his knees buckling from the bounty. Ivy saunters up the ring steps and onto the apron. Her cutoffs, already an immodest length, ride dangerously further up as the Southern Belle bends and slips through the ropes and into the ring, making sure to linger in this position for just an extra heartbeat as the camera focuses on her shapely backside.

Once in the ring, she pulls a Confederate Stars n' Bars handkerchief from between her cleavage, dabs nonexistent beads of sweat from her forehead and chest, and then makes a saucy production out of throwing the cloth to the crowd, where a knot of young men fall over themselves attempting to retrieve it.

(This Ivy is definitely poison ~ just like the chick from The Cramps. I wonder if she�ll get the win tonight ~ or if she�ll feel the sting of the �Armstrong Curse.� Well ~ they are all from Alabama. I wonder if she knows old Bullet Bob?)

Heavy orchestral chords flow over the darkened arena and a white-hot pin spot breaks the darkness, falling upon fortune�s favorite, Portia Ophelia VanBuren, Shirley Manson�s distinctive voice surging from all corners of the arena. Portia tosses her shoulder-length mane of strawberry blonde locks and struts down the aisle to the strains of �The World Is Not Enough� by Garbage, hips swaying as she turns the trip into a sashay down the runways of Paris or Milan. White lace panties flash in a Maxim-like version of Morse code from beneath a tennis skirt sufficiently high as to be outlawed by the WTA. Above, her white lace tanktop is sheer enough to be eye-catching on a Monaco beachfront, the ensemble tastefully accessorized with Gucci shades and a diamond tennis bracelet around her left wrist. She removes the shades and tosses them into the crowd, chuckling at the frenzy she creates.

Patrician features held high, Portia barely glances to either side as she makes her way to the ring, doing her best to disregard the cascade of boos and offensive jeers, Charlotte truly proving to be Ivy�s backyard. The redhead�s more ardent supporters squeeze along the restraining barriers and barrage her with a volley of threats and assorted warnings, not a few versions of the Stars and Bars whipping toward the Yankee�s flawless features. Spotting a sign �The stuck-up bitch will learn to kiss grits; Charm her Ivy!�, VanBuren inserts her middle finger between thin ruby lips, sucks on it for a moment, then pulls it out to let the miscreants know where they stand in her eyes. Another banner sprawls across a dozen, or so, fans a few rows up from the ring. �Jeanette will take you to the landfill next time� Portia slaps the ring apron and shouts obscenities at the Rocky Mountain warrior�s supporters. Finally, the slender socialite climbs between the ropes and bounces defiantly around the ring. Darting green eyes eagerly scan the familiar surroundings, the strawberry blonde�s impeccable features and slim form already carry a sheen of perspiration. With the title gone and her aura of invincibility doused, courtesy of LaKeisha and Jeanette, tonight was about redemption, reclamation and the willingness to go to any lengths to achieve them. There was no square inch of Armstrong she would not attack, nor any pain Ivy would not feel before and after the 1-2-3.

Moving to her corner, VanBuren alternately stretches and skips in place, one final deep breath centering her. She sweeps her arms through the air in front of her in a shadowbox combination and moves forward, ready to leave Ivy a beaten, sobbing husk. There were lessons Mama could teach and there was an education only Portia could pass along. The redhead was about to find out there was a huge difference.

(I�m a southern boy ~ and I guess that means I gotta root for Ivy. But boy is that Yankee girl a sight to behold. Well ~ I mean ~ NIETHER of them are Sissy Landers. But hey ~ we can�t all be perfect.)

Ding Ding Ding

(There�s the bell. Time to get this one started. Neither woman looks afraid of the other. In fact ~ they�re almost taunting each other. I love it when Ivy plays the Southern Belle. She does this part so well, hamming it up for the boys. And the Yankee girl ~ she�s all cold and stiff. But it�s a hot-cold. Is there such a thing?

The tie up is always the official start of a match. Neither one seems to be finding the upper hand. Ivy is pushing ~ pushing back. But she can�t ~ Portia gets to a rope. They have to break. Now we wait for them to lock up again. This match is going to blow the roof off.)

�I�m not one of those pussy Mitchells, Red. You�re playing with a whole new breed, bitch, and you�re not ready to handle me.�

(That Yankee girl can get pretty nasty. I don�t know how I feel about her now. Go, IVY! Go ~ and ~ oooooh! That was a cheap shot.)

Boooooooo!

(So Ivy, like the good southern girl she is, goes to lock up again with this bitch and the Yankee kicks her low. Just like that. No provocation or anything. Poor Ivy ~ I hope she can recover. But down on the mat like this her chances don�t look to good.)

�All that home schooling from Mama Armstrong and you�re still nothing more than a different shade of�Kylie Sanders.�

(This New York bitch sure talks a lot. But she�s also a technically sound wrestler and she�s showing it with this head lock. She�s keeping Ivy down on her knees ~ hehe ~ I wonder if she likes being down on her knees? Portia is really twisting the head and neck. That has to be taking its toll on poor Ivy. Come on, Ivy ~ get up! Get off the mat! You can do it! She has to come back ~ I just know she will!

So Portia lets Ivy fall back to the mat, face first, and then ~ youch! Come on! A kick to the back of the neck. Well ~ really more of a stomp ~ but it gets the same result. Ivy is holding her neck and kicking her legs a bit. That looked bad. I hope my girl isn�t hurt. I just want to see the Southern Belle teach the Northern Ho a thing or two! But if she keeps twisting Ivy�s neck like this ~ I dunno. Come on Red!)

Booooooo!

(The folks here aren�t too shy about who�s side they�re on ~ and I don�t blame them. If this match were going down in NYC I bet Portia would be getting the support. But ~ well ~ it doesn�t seem to be bothering her. Instead she just goes right to a Camel Clutch. It seems like Portia wants to get this one over with ~ going to all the submission holds early on. But she�s got it locked on right in the middle of the ring. And with the damage already done to Ivy�s neck�

The ref checks if Ivy wants to give up ~ but of course she doesn�t. She doesn�t give up like some quitter. I knew she wouldn�t. Portia is really tight with the hold, and she�s keeping Ivy right in the center of the ring.

And then it happens. Ivy is no goody-goody, that�s for sure. She reaches up and sticks a finger in Portia�s eye. That�ll get the NY City bitch to let go. Perfect!)

YEAH!

(But she still needs to get off the mat, before Portia does. She�ll only be blinded for so long. Come on, Ivy, get up! Get up! Almost ~ almost! Yeah! Both of them on their feet! Portia takes a big swing ~ nope ~ she�s still blinded. She misses and Ivy ~ oh yeah! Perfect leg sweep when Portia was off balance! That�s the kind of fighting I knew the southern hottie had in her! She�s up ~ and she drops a knee on Portia! Quick ~ Ivy ~ go for the cover!)

1 ~ 2�

(Nope. Kickout. Still too early, I guess. But that was exciting anyway. And here we go ~ Ivy pulls Portia up�)

You�re going down ~ just like you did against Jeanette ~ and LaKeisha!

(Oh ~ that had to sting the Yankee�s pride. And pride seems to be Portia�s number one commodity. Well ~ that and sex appeal. Ivy sends Portia towards the ropes ~ and there�s the clothesline! That just about took Portia out of her boots ~ or Keds ~ or whatever those cute little tennie�s she has on are. Now if my girl can just push the advantage�)

1 ~ 2�

(Aghghghghg! Still too early! Where does Portia get the strength? She looks like she weighs 20 pounds. I tell ya ~ these Yankee girls are tougher than they look. But this�ll take some of the wind out of her sails ~ and I bet those sails were pretty expensive. Ivy�s got her up and in the abdominal stretch. Man ~ this thing has always looked nasty to me. I�d hate to be in this move. And what�s this? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Ivy�s lifting up the little bitch�s tennis skirt and showing off her butt. She�s got a nice butt.)

Ah�m jus� lookin� fer tha �IV� they bran� on them butts a�ya Van Buren girls. Figger ah�ll put a �Y� on�a end o�it ~ so ever�one knows who owns yer li�l ass!

(Oh ~ snap! And she adds a coupls slaps on the Park Avenue snob�s butt for fun. Yeah ~ our fun. I betcha the last time POV got spanked it was her Daddy�s butler doing it. I wish I was her Daddy�s butler ~ I ~ wait ~ what the hell is wrong with me?

Ok ~ Ivy�s had enough of the ab stretch and decides to send Portia back to the ropes for another clothesl ~ oh no ~ double clothesline! Where did that come from? Oh no! Both of them are down! What? This can�t be! Ivy finally had the match under control! Come on ~ I ~ come on and get up! Come on! Come ~ wait! What the? What is she doing here? Why is Sissy Landers out here? She�s just ~ like ~ wandering around ringside. Acting like she�s watching the match. Could this be because of her match next week with Ivy?

But who cares? Ivy flops over and gets an arm across covers Portia! Oh ~ this is it! 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ~ 4? What the�? No! Damn! Why won�t the ref turn around!)

Booooooooo!

(Fucking Landers distracting the ref�s attention! Ivy has this match won! I can�t believe ~ no ~ Ivy don�t take your eye off ~ to argue with the ref ~ no ~ that�s�!)

1 ~ 2 ~ 3!

(What the? When Ivy turned around, Portia got the roll up and the win! This can�t be right! Ivy had the match won! She kicked Portia�s butt all over the ring! And look at Portia strutting around like she owns the world! I�m so mad! Ivy is just stunned! And Landers ~ jumping up and down like she just won the Superbowl! Like she won the match! I hope Ivy fucks her up but good next week.)

I�m going to get a beer.

Winner: Portia Ophelia VanBuren IV